We are struggling.

[Verytireddad1985]

So my wife and I have a wonderful 6 week old daughter (not our first, big sister is 4yo).

However we have an issue, our newest child will not sleep on her back, at all. We've been trying EVERYTHING but within 30 tob90 swcobds of laying on her back our baby is grunting, then chocking then coughing, then screaming. Every time. She'll sleep on her side, sleep on her front, sleep upright, diagonally or whatever angle you like on us, EXCEPT flat.

Currently me and the wife are splitting the night. I stay downstairs on the sofa and our daughter sleeps on me between 8pm and 1am, while my wife sleeps. Then we swap and i sleep 1 am to 6am before i get up and go to work (im self employed i dont get time off), and she stays at home with baby for the rest of the day. This is killing us. We cant take the baby upstairs because that would mean both of us getting no sleep. But atm were exhausted; im bleary eyed in work and cant find tools that are right beside me, im so tired i had a minor traffic accident with the van, wife can hardly keep her eyes open and is teary 24/7.

Weve spoken to the health visitor, the gp and everyone in between they all say its slient reflux and have given us gaviscon and infacol. But its not working, the baby still cant sleep on her back and the wife freaks out about the possibility of her sleeping on the front or side , even with a medical grade O2 monitor.

Any advice?

Wife unfortunately neefd to do more nights while your working. You already had one accident, next one might kill you.

Have you looked at the lullaby trust safe sleep guidance? Could sleeping with her be an option?

Tilting the basket/cot any good?

if you can do the older dd bedtime could your wife get sleep from 7-12 instead and let you get that extra hour?

Is there a granny or trusted friend who would help your wife get time for some naps during the day.

That sounds brutal, and none of this means you're doing it wrong. Here are the things I'd change, most urgent first.

1. Get off the sofa tonight. The current setup is the riskiest part of all this. The Lullaby Trust says sleeping on a sofa or in an armchair with your baby is one of the most high-risk situations for them, and it increases the risk of SIDS by up to 50 times. Babies can also easily slip into a position where they are trapped and can't breathe. As tired as you are, you will doze off at some point. If she's going to end up asleep on a parent, a bed set up for safer co-sleeping is much safer than the sofa: firm mattress, no pillows or duvet near her, and no smoking, alcohol or sedating meds. The Lullaby Trust has a guide on this. Your wife's worry about front or side sleeping is right. Keep her on her back for sleep, and don't use wedges or raise the cot. Inclined sleep isn't advised either.

2. Go back to the GP and ask for a paediatric referral. Grunting, choking and coughing within a minute or so of lying flat, every time, after Gaviscon and Infacol haven't helped, is worth a closer look. Ask specifically about:

• *Cow's milk protein allergy.* It often looks like reflux and doesn't respond to reflux treatment.
• *Laryngomalacia* (a floppy airway), especially if she's noisy or squeaky when she breathes.
• *Tongue tie, latch or bottle flow.* Swallowing a lot of air makes everything worse.

Take a phone video of an episode, because it's far more convincing than describing it. Call 999 if she goes blue or grey, stops breathing, or goes floppy.

3. Feeding tweaks that can help in the meantime

• Give smaller, more frequent feeds. If she's bottle-fed, pace the feeds with a slow-flow teat.
• Keep her upright for 20 to 30 minutes after a feed before you lay her down.
• Wait until she's in deep sleep (limp arms, slow breathing) before you transfer her. Warming the cot sheet with a hot water bottle first helps, but take it out before she goes in.

4. Protect your own sleep. Each of you needs one long block in a real bed. If a relative or friend can do even two nights a week, that changes everything. The adult who's "on" should sit in an upright chair with the lights on and a podcast going, not lie on the sofa. Please don't drive when you're this tired. You've already had one accident.

5. Look after your wife. Being teary all the time at six weeks, on almost no sleep, is worth mentioning to the GP or health visitor in its own right. Postnatal depression and anxiety are common, and they're very treatable.

It's a phase that babies usually outgrow, but you shouldn't have to tough it out on a sofa until then.

Sources:

• [The Lullaby Trust – co-sleeping survey and sofa risk](www.lullabytrust.org.uk/9-in-10-parents-co-sleep-but-less-than-half-know-how-to-reduce-the-risk-of-sids/)
• [Institute of Health Visiting](ihv.org.uk/?p=36813)

It is so dangerous to sit on a sofa whilst holding the baby. please please stop that. Is the lying down the same whether in the cot or in your bed? It would be much safer to plan to cosleep than fall asleep on the sofa. I used to breastfeed lying side by side and let my baby stay asleep on her side against my breast.

We had exactly the same with our 2nd, and it never really improved until he was around 2 years old. We tried lactase in expressed breast milk (didn't help) we tried cranial massage (she said there was nothing wrong and that it was just going to be a tough couple of years) we tried swaddling - I wasn't great at it, it felt cruel and he seemed to be able to wriggle more than he was supposed to anyway. He wouldn't sleep in the car or the pram. He was absolutely fine sleeping on someone. I think he was a tiny bit better, from memory, if I put him on his front on my bed that must have smelled of me, next to me after feeding. He'd sometimes fall asleep and I could walk away in the end. In the night, I'd sleep on the other half of the bed and DH would sleep elsewhere. It's obviously not at all advised to let them sleep on their front, but when you have tried everything and no-one is getting any sleep it gets too distressing in the end. It's how we coped.

Tilting hasnt helped much. Maybe delayed the screaming by 10 or 20 seconds compared to flat.

Will have to look at the potential for changin the routine.

But thank you.

Hi there.

1. Sorry, my bad the baby IS in a cot, next to the sofa. I didnt explain that well.
2. Yes, will do that, tounge tie is in the family, her cousin had it. Will report back with result.
3. Were already on that, some success but the gaviscon has made it really difficult to get burps out of the baby.
4. Recruitment drive starts this evening will see what we can get. Stupidly we both moved away from parents and family. However both sets of parent shave major health issues (my dad had heart attack 3 weeks ago, hers has a permanent heart condition and lives 3 hours away).
5. I'll see whst i can do, she cried at the gp this morning so they might be aware.

Thank you, i appreciate the effort.

I thought co sleeping was also frowned upon?

On the sofa im not falling asleep, the baby is, but shes on me. I have enough horror film to keep me awake (the sounds low enough and the baby is facing me so im not concerned about her being traumatised).

Tbh the idea of co sleeping freaks me out a bit as im heavy and tend to move.

It’s far safer to plan to cosleep in a bed. You are very high risk for falling asleep on a sofa where the baby can get stuck. Please look at the Lullaby Trust website for advice. Health visitors and medical professionals nowadays should be advising on how to cosleep safely. I found it much easier to cosleep just me and the baby, my husband slept elsewhere

I don’t know what the situation is with sleeping but when my daughter was born the midwives wrapped her up like a burrito and they placed her on her side in the cot. There was a rolled up blanket each side of her so she never moved. She is 13 now so this may not be suggested so please speak to your health visitor before trying. By 4 months she was in her big cot and slept in all different positions. I feel for you both. I hope things get better x