Anyone else's child only able to sleep if you let them cry it out?

[RR24]

My boy is 20 months old. From as early as 4 months old, hes always been tricky to soothe for sleep. Hes goes through phases of being particularly good, and particularly bad.
As of now, it feels the only way we can get him to settle to sleep is by leaving him to cry it out. Me and my husband have always been of the opinion that we didnt want to have to use the cry it out method to sleep train, but it seems to be the only effect way to get him to settle down and sleep.
Hes always been a high energy baby. Hes easily intrigued and so curious and a FOMO baby in general. Its great to see him enough the world around him but its almost like he doesnt know how to switch off. Hes never been able to fall asleep by back rubs or cuddles or by my presence. He seems too distracted by it. Rocking him to sleep worked for a period of time but now that he's bigger and stronger, he just pops back up like a jack in the box when hes had enough.
We never really co-slept- again, to distracted by having us there and wants to play.
The only solution we have found works is to put him in his cot and after some time of shouting and crying and throwing his soother, he eventually gives in and sleeps.
Does anyone have any suggestions to how I can avoid having to repeat this process and get him to go down calmly? Is it something that will correct over time?

You don’t say how long this has been going on for but in my experience he will cry for a shorter time each evening and eventually stop crying at all. Close the door, go downstairs and have a glass of wine.

My impression is that some children need to vent their frustration at having to go to bed, or they need to cry off feelings of over-excitement or stress. A calm bedtime is an ideal to aspire to but not all children will be capable of staying calm at bedtime. Like everything, it's a phase. There are phases where bedtimes are a struggle and phases where they happily go to bed.
If your 20 month old can settle himself after a bit of crying, you are doing really well!

I think it’s more normal than you think, I co-slept with mine as babies because of breast feeding but they both reached a point where they were wriggly and excitable and wouldn’t sleep next to me easily. For all of our children (I have step-children) going in to them constantly or staying just restarted the cycle and crying it out was necessary and now they all sleep like a dream. I think the best thing to do is have a routine and some sort of comfort thing (my eldest still has a blanket, they have a singing light, white noise helps the eldest two. Try a few things like this would be my suggestion but yes let him cry it out.

My son used to scream himself to sleep. When I tried to comfort him it would make him more angry! It did stop but he still doesn’t like going to sleep now.

Yup. DD1 screamed every night before she slept. Any kind of comfort I tried to give her just made it last longer.

DD2 was totally different so I’m fairly sure it wasn’t anything I was doing wrong, just a baby being a baby.

Our daughter often cries and gets angry with us there at bedtime (much worse if we leave) she just wants presence, not cuddles - but it's just because she's tired - and that's what you want! If the crying is relatively short lived and he isn't hysterical then just leave him. It's not nice but if that's what works, then do it.

Yes my DS1 was like this. We used to go back and reassure regularly, but sometimes this annoyed him more to be honest. If we could hear him calming down then we would leave him to it. Once he was 2 and a bit he stopped crying and would go straight to sleep by himself. He’s generally a highly strung child - still is, age 5.

DS2 is a much more chilled character. He rolls around happily and chats to himself while he goes to sleep.

We’ve done exactly the same with both, but yes I think some kids do just need to cry a bit before they can settle down. DS1 wouldn’t have dropped off with us in the room, stroking his back or just sitting there.

Thank you so much for all the advice and reassurance.
He's been going through a period of fussiness at bed time for around 2-3 weeks. He has experienced this on and off but I guess hes getting more persistent with age.
Just reassuring that others are/have been in the same boat and that it improves with time

How long does he cry for before he goes to sleep?

What is it with Mumsnet and wine??!

Honestly think it's just a fact for some kids.

Wasn't a sleep thing but DD gets v stroppy/moody at times, always has done. I've tried sitting with her, naming feelings, offering cuddles, cajoling her out of it, distractions, getting frustrated about it, giving her something to take her frustration out on, pulling her out from wherever we are and going home....etc etc etc

The thing that works? Stoically ignoring her and leaving her be until she's got the bulk of it out of her system. Anything else epically amplifies the situation. Feel like a shit mother leaving her have a tantrum in the middle of a playground/soft play/letting her scream blue murder in her room but that way it lasts a few minutes rather than an hour.

You know your kid at the end of the day.

Yes my son is 19 months and if he’s really upset at bedtime, I find that me trying to comfort him back rocking, cuddles, back rubs etc never really worked beyond the early 2/3 months. Even as a newborn sometimes he wouldn’t settle and if we just put him in his Moses basket he was immediately calmer than with us holding him. I found it a little sad to be honest! But as he got older he just seems to cry so so so much longer with my presence at bedtime, whereas if I leave the room he’ll typically settle himself within a few minutes. Thankfully this is generally rare as he normally goes to sleep without tears. But if something does upset him it’s hard to know what to do, I don’t like leaving him but generally I know he’ll be better off settling himself than with me intervening. I think “cry it out” gets such a bad rep, especially when comparing sleep training methods to the “pop-in”/ferber method, but my son cried for 10x longer when I tried this method of intermittently popping in every few mins for “comfort” than when I don’t (which I tried when we attempted sleep training again a few months later. He just cried for 10 mins first night, 5 mins second night and pretty much ever since no crying at all). Each baby is so different. You have to do what works for your child and try to ignore the internet narrative.

Absolutely,my ds always has to empty his lungs before sleeping. Rocking, patting etc just used to make him cross and he didn't settle.

My dd needed a moan before going to sleep, if I tried to comfort her she just got more upset so it was less stressful to leave her to cry for a bit and then she’d sleep.