DS is 17 months and still wakes hourly I've had NO sleep in nearly 2 years

[StressedOutOctober]

I honestly don’t know how I’m even functioning anymore he is 17 months now and he still wakes every single hour through the night sometimes even more and he will only settle if he is on me or feeding and I’m absolutely done in 😭😭

Everyone keeps saying just stop breastfeeding but if I don’t he screams the whole house down and then DS1 and DS2 wake up and then I’ve got all 3 of them crying at 2 in the morning while DP snores through it like he doesn’t even hear a thing

I’ve tried putting him in the cot he just stands up and screams till he makes himself sick I’ve tried patting shushing white noise nothing works he just wants me and I feel like I’m going mad I haven’t had a full nights sleep since 2023 and I’m starting to feel like I could collapse

AIBU to think some kids just don’t sleep and I’m stuck with it until he decides cos I don’t see how I can do any kind of sleep training when I’ve got 2 others in school who need their sleep as well I honestly don’t know how other mums manage I feel like a total failure right now

You have to stop the feeds. He doesn't need feeding at night. I had to do it with mine. Pick a Friday night, feeds stop. DH took over night settling for a while because it was confusing when DDs could smell breast milk.

I agree, stop feeding and form a plan for sleep training.

Stop the feeds (though make sure he has had enough food before going to bed so he has a full tummy. Porridge can be good) and start sleep training. Might be worth looking into a consultant if you can afford it

I co-slept with mine and bf until they were over three but I really couldn’t have coped with night feeding at this stage. I think you should consider going away for a night or two - or sleeping in another room - and letting DP deal with it to break the habit. You must be absolutely exhausted and in desperate need of a good night’s sleep as well. Could you stay with family for a weekend - maybe with the older children?

I agree with going away somewhere for the night. You need sleep. I had similar with DS and it was incredibly hard. Do you have someone you can stay with for a night over the weekend? It's very hard to make decisions and make a plan when you're so sleep deprived.

To give you hope my extreme non-sleeper is now a teenager and does sleep.

Agree with the others, save for the one that said you go away (I personally feel stopping night feeds AND disappearing is a step too far). Time to stop the night feeds, and perhaps remove yourself from the equation at night for a bit.

My DS was the same, DH had to take over at night and he sat in with him so he wasn’t left to cry. not easy for anyone, but things were so awful with sleep for all, that there really was nothing to lose. That was the only thing that improved his sleep (though still wasn’t great, took time to become somewhat normal). I used to take over around 4 when I’d had a decent chunk of sleep so could somewhat cope with the early mornings. As he started to sleep a bit better that became 5, or whenever I woke up. I did carry on feeding in the day, if that’s a concern.

Stopped as DS started to lose interest sometime after 2. He’s still not the best sleeper, but it only became somewhat of the normal side of rubbish after night weaning.

one thing, my DS was quite a thirsty boy when little, so we made sure water was available in some form throughout night. The 360 cups are quite good once they can use them independently.

I have a terrible sleeper a few months older because of a medical condition now fixed. I recently spoke to a sleep consultant and anything like that will cause a habit of bad sleep op.

It sounds like your LO is waking due to habit and also has no idea how to self settle. It will continue until you actively do something about it.

There's a book called the No-Cry Sleep Solution that is about this situation. My son was similar but had awful eczema as well so if he got upset he would scratch furiously and end up in a pool of blood. I don't remember the details exactly but essentially if they are waking this frequently it is because they are waking every sleep cycle and can't put themselves back to sleep without the feeding association. The book definitely helped us - they had some tricks like holding under the chin when you want to night wean - and I also co-slept/fed lying down as you get more rest if you don't actually get up. Sympathies OP sleep deprivation is awful.

Hourly waking can sometimes be an indication of underlying medical issues. I would consider if he is showing any potential red flags: frequent mouth breathing in sleep, snoring, very restless sleep, dark under eye circles, seeming very tired a lot of the time, signs of potential tongue tie. If any of these are coming up, a trip to the GP could be useful.

Before you do anything, you need some sleep. Is there any way someone, anyone could have him for a whole day?

Get a full days sleep. You will be better equipped to deal with whatever the night has to throw at you.

I had one of these. I remember the feeling so well. Like death, a shell. A permamnent headache. On edge.

It will get better. Even if you do nothing, but pps are right. Night weaning is the first step but I totally understand that you dont get how that's going to work! Find a way to actually get some sleep, get your partner on board and have a think about how you could work it. Solidarity.

I would start with the GP. Habit or not, feed or not, hourly waking is not normal.

I know two peopl who were in a similar situation and they were both prescribed melatonin- this is in the UK. After that the child was sleeping in 4 hour chunks and the parents were able to put other measures in place.

Full sympathy - mine were terrible sleepers and it's hell. Will he take a dummy as they were a godsend for us? Could you take the older two away for a couple of nights in half term and let your dh step up and sort his night time routine out?

Why is your ‘D’ P being allowed to snore through it ?

Thanks everyone I’ve just sat here reading all this with my eyes half shut honestly feel like a zombie 🙈

I know you’re all right about the feeds but I just don’t get how I’m meant to stop when the second I don’t give in he screams till the whole house is awake like DS1 ends up in tears cos he’s so tired for school and DS2 just gets up and starts charging about the landing it’s chaos by 3am and DP just rolls over and snores louder 🤦‍♀️

To be fair he does work shifts so sometimes he’s on nights and I feel guilty waking him when he’s got to be up at stupid o clock but even when he’s home he just says “what am I supposed to do he only wants you” which I know is true but also like maybe try?? Even for half an hour??

I can’t even imagine going to stay at my mums cos she works early shifts and would just moan at me anyway

He does have ear infections a lot someone mentioned medical stuff and now I’m panicking cos he always has dark rings under his eyes and he snores sometimes too so maybe I should ring GP but I feel like they’ll just fob me off again

I’m clinging on to the hope he will just grow out of it cos I genuinely can’t cope much longer 😭 I know I sound dramatic but I’ve had no proper sleep since before he was born and I’m at the point where even making toast feels like climbing a mountain

I had a baby like this: hourly wakings (sometimes every 40 minutes) until 16 months old; it was completely horrendous.

I hired a sleep consultant because I was too tired even to know what steps to take on my own. She was amazing (now retired or I'd link) and it was honestly the best money I've ever spent - can't remember how much but maybe £300ish. DD started sleeping longer periods almost immediately, and went through the night at 20 months.

As PP have said, mine was poorly as a newborn and just didn't get the sleeping thing at the right time; the sleep consultant explained that I just had to teach her how to do it, as I'd teach her how to walk or read...

Good luck: I really hope you get it sorted.

I’d see the GP first to rule out medical issues e.g. enlarged tonsils can cause sleep apnea and frequent wakes but presuming all is ok then I would sleep train. I know it’s divisive but with the other kids in the house I’d strongly consider a quick method like Ferber over something more gentle that will take longer. Start on a Friday and see if you can get the eldest ones to go for a sleepover with mates or GPs, or if that’s not feasible (IDK how old they are exactly) then make a big deal of them getting to stay up late and do a movie night with pizza and popcorn. Maybe they even camp in the living room if that puts them further away from the baby’s bedroom. DH takes the lead on the sleep training because he doesn’t have the boobs and if you start at 7pm it shouldn’t be too bad, and if there are some night wakes that wake the others they can sleep in the next day. Night 2 is Saturday so also fine and you’d expect it to be done and dusted by night 3.

Where’s dad?

It's the breastfeeding that's the problem. I also had this with my daughter until she was about 18 months. Then decided it had to stop. Set up her cot in her room, husband slept in the room with her and comforted her when she screamed and cried for me. It was a tough few days, but when she realised I wasn't going to come, she settled down and slept. By day 3 she slept through the night. It was beneficial for me and her.

I remember this age being really hard. First and foremost you need some respite and your husband needs to grow up and start acting like a parent and husband. Agree a night this week that he will take DS for the full night to give you a break. Have lie ins where he gets up with the DC. If this fails, book yourself into a hotel for the night. Have you tried bedsharing with DS?

Do some research on the health effects on adults with long term lack of sleep.
Dh needs a kick up the arse imo. It isn't only you that has 3 dc...
Stop bf...
Ds was 9 months and I was on my knees... Sent dh in with a bottle of water.. The second night ds had a mouthful. Third night he slept 12 hours and loves his bed still at 11 yo!!

I keep reading all your replies and part of me thinks yes I need to just stop the breastfeeding and do it properly but then I picture the screaming and DS1 and DS2 being awake all night too and I just freeze cos I know how bad it gets when they’re tired for school 😩

I would love to hire a sleep consultant but honestly we don’t even have £30 spare right now let alone £300 the rent’s just gone up again and everything feels like a stretch so it’s just not an option sadly

I’ve tried bedsharing he’s literally been in with me since he was born I put him in the cot he screams till he’s sick so I bring him back in my bed and then DP goes off to the spare mattress in stepsons’s room muttering about never getting any sleep (welcome to my world mate 🙄)

I know you’re all saying “where’s dad” and I agree he should be doing more but with his shifts it always ends up on me cos he’s either at work or sleeping for work and he just says he can’t be tired doing security cos it’s dangerous

I think I will ring GP cos like I said he does snore sometimes and always has ear infections so maybe something else is going on too I just feel like I’m fighting this battle on my own and I’m absolutely shattered

Your DP doesn’t work 7 days. He needs to take his turn. Next time he’s off two days in a row , you and the other two go away.

Dark circles under the eyes in combination with poor sleep can be due to iron deficiency. Frequent snoring or mouth breathing along with poor sleep can be due to issues with the tonsils or adenoids and there is a close relationship between tonsils adenoids and frequent ear infections so I would definitely pursue that too.

I don’t think stopping the night feeds will solve the problem. It didn’t with mine.
I’d speak to the GP. You could try giving calpol for a couple of nights to see if it improves. If it does that’s indicative of pain causing the waking normally. You could also try a solid meal at 10pm ish and see if that helps.
The waking for a bf is usually caused by pain or discomfort and that’s what you need to sort out, even if it’s not easy

You’re right he doesn’t work 7 days I think I just end up letting him off cos when he’s finally got a couple of days off he acts like he’s on holiday and I’m too tired to argue 😒 but maybe I do need to just say right I’m going to my mums with the older two and leave him to it for a night see how he manages then

The iron thing I hadn’t even thought of he does look pale sometimes and always has those dark circles so maybe that is part of it and the tonsils/adenoids too especially with all the ear infections it actually makes sense now someone’s said it

I don’t think it’s just the feeding either I feel like he’s uncomfortable somehow cos even when he’s on me he still tosses about and wakes up again 40 mins later so maybe it is pain or something I will definitely try GP again and maybe calpol tonight to see if it makes a difference cos I honestly can’t keep going like this it’s breaking me