DS is 17 months and still wakes hourly I've had NO sleep in nearly 2 years

[StressedOutOctober]

I honestly don’t know how I’m even functioning anymore he is 17 months now and he still wakes every single hour through the night sometimes even more and he will only settle if he is on me or feeding and I’m absolutely done in 😭😭

Everyone keeps saying just stop breastfeeding but if I don’t he screams the whole house down and then DS1 and DS2 wake up and then I’ve got all 3 of them crying at 2 in the morning while DP snores through it like he doesn’t even hear a thing

I’ve tried putting him in the cot he just stands up and screams till he makes himself sick I’ve tried patting shushing white noise nothing works he just wants me and I feel like I’m going mad I haven’t had a full nights sleep since 2023 and I’m starting to feel like I could collapse

AIBU to think some kids just don’t sleep and I’m stuck with it until he decides cos I don’t see how I can do any kind of sleep training when I’ve got 2 others in school who need their sleep as well I honestly don’t know how other mums manage I feel like a total failure right now

Oh I remember this so well, I was going insane. Honestly lowest point in my mental health ever when the first birthday came around and I knew I hadn’t slept for more than 3 hours in a year.
I tried everything as I’m sure you have and eventually at 18 months he was reliably sleeping through. He’s now a fanatic sleeper aged 11! And has never really been up in night except when unwell but I know how awful this feels.

Mine would have been like this at 17 months, 100%. Breastfed +++ overnight if left to their own devices. Both times I made DH take the reins overnight at around 12-14 months as I was at breaking point. They were never left to cry, but it did involved crying a bit because they were unhappy at the change in situation. Night weaning rapidly and massively improved their sleep after a rocky week or so. I think you and your DP need to find a week when he can take over and then you need to leave him to it.

Neither of mine (who both woke every 1-3 hours overnight for a year plus) were in pain or discomfort. Breastfeeding was just an extremely strong sleep association - this sleep pattern is very common amongst breastfed babies who aren’t sleep trained in their first year. I would not jump to seeing the GP before doing simple things at home first.

DS was exactly like this, he would cry until he threw up. I tried the no sleep solution book to no avail, it stopped around his 2nd birthday though from what I remember.

I wonder now if it was because he couldn't breathe well when lying flat. He would only sleep well in a car seat but that wasn't recommended so i couldn't just let him sleep there and lifting one end on the mattress slightly wasn't enough.

I also wonder about silent reflux having read about that too since. He was also much later diagnosed with ASD and dyspraxia which may or may not be related.

It's a nightmare OP, I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it soon.

Can your boys stay with your mum for a couple of nights while you sleep train? You have to take control of it OP - he is unlikely to growth out of it without being taught healthy sleep habits.

Huge sympathy OP, I’m in the same boat with my 22 month old and know that I need to night wean but just dread the thought of the upset that will cause. One thing I am using is Nature’s Aid Bed Time mini drops which contains chamomile and lemon balm. They seem to buy an extra hour or so at the start of the night so I can get at least 2 hours sleep before the first wake up for BF which doesn’t sound a lot but makes a huge difference to me

I went two and a half years without much sleep and walking around like a zombie. One magical night I slept all night and told DD. She said he'd woken her up and she had slapped him hard. He never got me up again. Of course, this action is not to be recommended, but DD was only 5 and tired of his screaming.

My daughter, who was bottle fed, was like this until she was 4. In the end I was suicidal. It was only then my H occasionally got up in the night. Your H needs to get up. His job isn't more important than your welfare or your child's safety.

And if it's not the feeds, and she loses BF to help soothe him, things won't be any better, will they?
My DS was a rubbish sleeper right from birth, grew out of it at 2 (before I weaned) It was just his temperament, he is still like it in some ways but sleep is not a problem now. I got the most sleep by letting him feed and drop off. Sleep training would not have worked with him, he got worked up too fast. And I had no intention of trying it anyway.

@MrsPatrickDempsey that is just irresponsible nonsense, of course he will grow out of it, it's just a question of how long OP can manage until he does, and that's up to her to decide, because it is so difficult.

I absolutely feel for you. I was still up 4-5 times a night to feed with a 18 month old and during the day she would only nap when I was holding her. I was so sleep deprived I couldn't think straight and I found that my relationship with my DH was affected as I don't think he could comprehend what that level tiredness felt like.
I then read this article about gently changing sleep patterns and I found it very helpful. We decided to try not feeding between 12 and 6 am, the first night my DD cried for most of the night and we took turns holding her whilst we were in bed. The next night she cried but for a shorter time and eventually feel asleep on me and was ok so long as she had a hand on my breast. The third night she slept through from 12 until 6 for the first time. We then made the decision to move her cot into her own room. After that she was a much better sleeper and would sleep from 10ish through to 4.30am when I would feed her and then she would sleep through until 7- which I didn't mind because I knew I could go back to sleep for a while.
This broken sleep when she was a baby hasn't affected her sleeping now she 4. She sleeps like a log and never comes through to our bed. Looking back I wish I had tried to make this change earlier and I also wish I had insisted on DH doing more to help- either getting up early with DD or making time for me to recoup lost sleep at other times.

My DS was exactly like this for years. When he stopped feeding (at 3.5 yrs - I put it off as he would scream house down) he sleeps longer periods but still wakes up multiple times a night at age 4. He sits up in bed and he needs to be made to lie back down again and reassured someone is there. So someone (DH now) still has to share a bed with him. When we’ve tried him on his own he just runs through to our room by bloody 10pm. he does have SEN which has undoubtedly contributed to his sleep issues.

people don’t understand the relentlessness of a child that doesn’t sleep for years on end. It’s utterly miserable

Im so sorry. Sleep deprivation is awful!

i bed shared with my kiddos. BF them into toddlerhood, but stopped night feeding at around 18 months.

here’s how I managed it.

big supper, like porridge.

BF them before sleep and reminded them no more milk until it’s morning.

drinkie cup of water to offer every time they woke

when they woke I said no milk at nighttime and offered drink of water. Every single time!

slept in a high necked tshirt tucked securely into pj bottoms. no access!

they were initially furious, the water cup got thrown across the room a few times.
kept reminding them. No milk at nighttime, time for sleep.

It was rough for a few nights, but I was determined not to give in- as this would make all the upset pointless and confusing for them.

in the morning at a sensible hour (anytime from 5) when they woke we got up straight away, went downstairs- didn’t feed them in bed as wanted that association of waking and feeding to end. Made a big deal of it being morning when they woke , yay up time! Sometimes they wanted to BF as soon as we went downstairs, sometimes they wanted brekkie first.

worked great for both. Few awful nights then they started sleeping through, or just waking for a quick drink and cuddle then back to sleep.

mine kept BF in the daytime for a fair while after this, so doesn’t need to spell the end of breastfeeding if you don’t want it to.

You should kick husband out, and co sleep.

Your kids have school holidays and your partner must have annual leave. That removes the 'they'll be tired for school' and 'he works shifts' arguments.

Now, what's the reel reason you don't want to night wean/sleep train?

DH takes the other two away anywhere for 5 days and you just stop.
Or every night you leave after bedtime and.sleep.away (with or without the others and DH deals.with the baby)

You really need to try OP as hard as it might be. Get your husband to book leave, start on a Fri night so kids aren't tired for school and just try. Offer water and crackers/rice cakes and persevere even for a few nights and see what happens.. your other kids will survive. Imagine if it works, a few nights of hell would be worth it for that. It's not going to change until you change something xx

Is he napping still in the day?

I'm not arguing this with anyone but children that young still need naps.

The two children I've known like this who did not already have clear signs of SEND were said not to need naps so their parents had stopped taking time out of the day to have them nap. On top of that, they believed the sleep issues were caused by too much napping, so they further prevented naps and the kid would be even more overtired and then find it harder to stay asleep.

Nearly every child I've encountered personally (like friends or family) who apparently doesn't nap has napped with me because I have enforced a wind down time and basic comfort so they go off to sleep. I am not talking hundreds of kids here, but it was something that I learned from my foster mother who would regularly have to encourage healthy sleeping habits for young children who stayed with us.

Last night was no better even with calpol 😩 he was up at 11 then 12.40 then 3.30 and then again at 5 and by then DS2 had decided it was morning and was charging about like a loon so I’ve basically been up since then with both of them and I feel sick with tiredness

He does nap in the day but only on me if I don’t move a muscle sometimes I get half an hour if I’m lucky maybe an hour at a push but the second I try and put him down in the cot he wakes up and screams so I just sit there trapped on the sofa with the telly remote out of reach feeling like my life is just breastfeeding and CBeebies

I know you’re all saying I need to just bite the bullet and do the night weaning and I do get it but honestly the thought of it fills me with dread cos I know how bad the nights will be and I don’t think DP will cope even if he books leave cos he’ll just get wound up and snap and then I’ve got three crying kids instead of one I just feel stuck

Do you have any other reasons to suspect he might be SEND? Only because many of the autistic children I know had these kinds of sleep/behavioural issues. Inconsolable is how I'd describe them. Ive found out that it is largely because of sensory issues and you cannot care for a young child without an enormous amount of touch.

In these circumstances, diagnosis or at least acknowledgement doesnt change the issue, but it can help to reframe it. In most cases, over time, the amount of necessary touch changes, for example. You dont have to change nappies etc any more.

Your husband was grown up enough to create these children so he needs to be grown up enough to deal with this. I think you need to leave with your two eldest and he has to deal with it. You may find that the youngest clocks this and shuts up. No mummy to give in. My youngest used to wake up every night until he was three. He only woke once and if he woke more than that he got told off - that only happened once. Eventually I put water in his bottle and he gave up. Unfortunately by that time it was habit with me so I would still wake up for a wee. I’m the type that once I’m awake, I don’t sleep again. Husband could sleep through anything. I do think a really firm mindset is needed and at the moment you are broken. Is there any way that you and kids could go somewhere and a granny/grandad could take over at your house. This may also make your husband step up. I think unless you say you are near driving at a brick wall just to get a few days in hospital then no one will realise. Presumably your husband loves you but often they just don’t get it until crisis point comes and then they are brilliant. Activate the brilliant. Good luck.

I have wondered about it sometimes cos he is behind on things like he’s 17 months and still bum shuffles everywhere he’s not walking yet and he only says mama and ba nothing else really and he’s so clingy like he can’t stand me putting him down at all and he gets in these states where nothing will calm him unless he’s literally glued to me

But then people just say oh all babies are different and he’ll catch up in his own time so I don’t know if I’m just overthinking cos I’m so tired all the time and everything feels worse when you’ve had no sleep 😔

It is hard though when you say about touch cos that’s exactly what it feels like he needs to be on me 24/7 and I can’t even pee without him screaming I just don’t know if that’s normal or not

1. Your DH books a few days leave from work
2. You go somewhere else with the other two kids for a couple of nights and he implements sleep training while you’re not therefore
3. Before then, start to inch towards weaning in the daytime. Do what you can to wear him out in the evenings and get him to bed on a full tummy so that you are in the best starting point you can be when your DH has to deal with it

It IS hard, but it won’t change unless you both make the decision to tackle it together for the good of your whole household.

I think you’re right about me being broken cos I just don’t have the strength to be firm with him anymore I’m literally just surviving day to day and doing whatever keeps the noise down and everyone asleep for at least a bit and DP doesn’t see that he just sees me giving in

I don’t know about leaving him with DP though cos honestly I don’t think he’d cope he loves the kids but he gets wound up so fast and if he had DS3 screaming for hours he’d end up shouting and then I’d feel worse I know everyone says men just need to step up but it’s easier said than done when you’re the one that has to pick up the pieces after

The idea of me going off with the older two does sound like bliss though even just one night of actual sleep would feel like heaven but then I feel guilty cos DS3 is still a baby really and it feels cruel leaving him

I do agree though something has to change cos I can’t keep on like this it’s like you said no one really gets it until you’re at breaking point and I feel like I’m nearly there

You have two choices.

Stop the feeds

Don't stop the feeds and wait but I just think at this age, it's very much a habit that you need to break and who knows how long it will continue for if you don't intervene.

I took away night feeds from my babies cold turkey at 13 months and 16 months (I did gradually dilute the milk for a couple of weeks so they are better in the day and weren't hungry at night).

2 nights of screaming and it was done. They both slept through after that. I co-slept with them both so they had my presence for comfort at least. It was such a habit for them, they didn't need it and everyone got better sleep afterwards.

My dd is exactly the same and 23 months. I had shocking heartburn the whole way through pregnancy so didn't get any sleep then either so it's been a LONG time! The way I cope is my husband, Mon-Fri, gets her up in the morning at 6 so I have 2 hours unbroken sleep. Then on the weekend, he takes her out until 1 (music class, soft play and then swimming) while I sleep for as long as I want to recharge the batteries.