DS is 17 months and still wakes hourly I've had NO sleep in nearly 2 years

[StressedOutOctober]

I honestly don’t know how I’m even functioning anymore he is 17 months now and he still wakes every single hour through the night sometimes even more and he will only settle if he is on me or feeding and I’m absolutely done in 😭😭

Everyone keeps saying just stop breastfeeding but if I don’t he screams the whole house down and then DS1 and DS2 wake up and then I’ve got all 3 of them crying at 2 in the morning while DP snores through it like he doesn’t even hear a thing

I’ve tried putting him in the cot he just stands up and screams till he makes himself sick I’ve tried patting shushing white noise nothing works he just wants me and I feel like I’m going mad I haven’t had a full nights sleep since 2023 and I’m starting to feel like I could collapse

AIBU to think some kids just don’t sleep and I’m stuck with it until he decides cos I don’t see how I can do any kind of sleep training when I’ve got 2 others in school who need their sleep as well I honestly don’t know how other mums manage I feel like a total failure right now

People have already told you stop feeding her is using you as a soother rather than feeding. It’s be a week of a hard time, or a lifetime your choice. Yes some need less sleep but they don’t wake up every hour they just don’t go down to sleep.

Your DP needs to grow up and stop

a) making out that his job is so important and dangerous to do if he’s tired (how many women have these jobs? I have literally never heard a woman use this excuse)
b) shouting and losing his temper….with a toddler FFS….quickly because he’s tired.

My DS also woke hourly to feed at the same age and I had the same concerns about him waking up the older sibling with screaming and crying. In the end my husband comforted DS through the night while he adjusted to there being no breast milk or mummy available until 7am and it took 2-3 nights before he slept though for 12 hours. And he even managed to go to work and not shout at anyone, can you imagine? Yours can do that too. Be firm.

Have you had his ears, iron and adnoids checked?

My son is the same. I got his iron checked and it was really low which can impact sleep. I also got an ENT appointment and he has very swollen adnoids that need to be removed. I'm waiting for a date for that and I hope it helps.

I'm also still breastfeeding as it puts him back to sleep. After getting his iron sorted it's helped but he's still waking 2-3 times a night.

Everyone says sleep train and stop breastfeeding. But if you stop there's no guarantee it'll sort it out and then you've removed that method to settle him. For me it was a relief to find out there's an underlying reason and he's not just torturing me. 🥴

I'll tell.you the truth.

Even if you had one day off ypu wouldn't sleep.

Your body is so used to the broken sleep. You'll probably spend most of tossing and turning. Waking up every so often. The rest of the time you'd be worrying what was happening with your baby.

It will take a few days at least for your sleep cycle to Improve.

Don't think anyone has mentioned speaking to the HV that Is also an option.

He is still so little. I wouldn’t stop. Ight feeds yet. All you will do is lose the ability to calm him quicker. I’ve just night weaned my nearly 3 year old from July. She still wakes several times during the night! You could try a co-sleeping. It could be that he just wants connection.

I had this too OP and it was so hard because I was too tired to take action so I just kept feeding until I fell over. It took my ten years to recover. I have no idea what to suggest, but I hear you on how hard it is.

It’s half term soon - if you’re worried about the older 2 just get DH to book some time off then agree you will start and expect 3 crap nights then it will be better.

No one needs a comsultat ffs

OP you have my full sympathy I’m a few months ahead of you but could’ve written your post myself. It is truly tortuous. You’ve had good advice, but wanted to double down on a few points from our experience..

I hired a sleep consultant. I didn’t find it useful, in fact quite ideological and textbook formulas that weren’t realistic for me/us. So you’re not missing out IMO (I’m sure there are good ones but it’s nothing you can’t read online)

I had DS checked for everything and as others mentioned, he had low Iron. He’s been on Iron supplements for about two months.

4 weeks ago I went cold turkey with breastfeeding. It had to be done. Needed to do it on a school holiday so older kids weren’t impacted but my partner sat in and comforted and we had a rough week.

however from 3 weeks ago he has lo and behold started sleeping through. I don’t want to jinx it as early days but I feel I’ve broken the cycle of needing comforted. He is 19 months.

I didnt want to do it either but I do think dropping the feeds and checking the iron is a good place to start.

Your baby is soothing himself by sucking. He doesn’t need or want to feed necessarily but associates breast with comfort and going back to sleep. A doctor isn’t going to be able to help as it seems like a behavioural thing is baby is okay otherwise. Also something to turn into on their face such as a muslin can work. You may still have to wake up to do this but then when baby learns to not wake up you won’t have to do this.

If you are worried about the other kids, wait until half term and let the other kids sleep in if it wakes them up.

Offer a dummy of bottle of water maybe to move to something else. You need to break the cycle and it isn’t going to change until you do. Maybe try white noise for your other kids so they don’t wake up. Good luck.

Remember: short term pain for long term gain. Your dh absolutely does need to lead on sleep training and you need to stop night feeds. It might take 3 days of crying more but once that passes, you will be happy you did

Can your other smalls go away for the weekend while you and DH do it. Plan it now for a time when he’s not on nights. Really explain how desperate you are. Tell him that if he doesn’t step up and do this he’ll be in his own doing it forever because you cannot keep doing it alone.

Two of mine were like this and it was caused by Cows Milk Protein Allergy. If there isn’t an underlying cause then you could try sleep training. Give him other cues, along with breastfeeding to get him to sleep so that when you decide it’s time to stop breastfeeding he has other things to help him get back to sleep.

One of you takes the other two dc to a hotel for a few nights. Someone stays home and you stop feeding and if required I would go hardcore cry it out. It usually takes one night but having left it so late I don’t know if it’s harder.

You can’t go on like this, it is no good for anyone!

What about taking him out in the pram? If he naps In a pram it shouldn’t be too hard. That way at least the older 2 stay asleep. I mean it will be a tough few days but it will break the habit. When he is asleep wheel the pram indoors

OP it sounds like you're still co-sleeping? You maybe need to introduce change in phases. I think you need to take the initial step of moving baby into their own bedroom, because you are both waking each other up. It will be hard for the first few nights but it will get better. Your other older children might not be disturbed as much as you think as well, I know mine sleep very soundly once they're over, they sleep through smoke alarms and all the loud things that are normally meant to wake you up.

Both my babies were terrible sleepers when sharing but i had to move them into their own rooms when I returned to work because I just couldn't function at work with broken sleep. Within a couple of nights they slept better and increased to 4 hours rather than hourly. Then after a couple more weeks I stopped offering a feed at wakening and gave water instead. I also could talk on the baby monitor and switch on a lullabye without getting out of bed and that helped settle them. You will get there OP, it doesn't take them long to change habits once the initial shock and indignation subsides

Sending you the biggest biggest hug. This was me with my first. At 14 months old, I had a huge nervous breakdown - I'd had such little sleep for so long (woken every hour since birth) that I honestly was hallucinating, contemplated suicide. It was an extremely difficult time that I think I block out mostly and meant I didn't have another child for five years as I couldn't bear the thought of that level of sleep deprivation again.

Breastfeeding is such a wonderful and strong association for baby but at this age they really shouldn't be hungry overnight so it's a comfort thing - like a dummy, a teddy, a cuddle, a back stroke. They need that thing to resettle. So there are two options, you are either okay with it and you continue on as you are. Or you're not and something changes. Those changes can be slow and steady (habit stacking) or quicker (chair method, etc).

Please do not underestimate how important sleep is to your physical and mental health. Changes are so hard. Imagine your end result, do your research, pick your approach and stick to it.

Day one is hard, day two tends to be easier, day three they sometimes get worse... and then it clicks. I promise. I know it's not for everybody. I know change is hard ❤️

My DD, born this year, has slept through the night since 6 months as I was so utterly traumatised by my first experience that I learned every single thing I could about sleep so it didn't happen again! I think temperament did make a difference for sure but broadly, milk and sleep were separated from the beginning. X

Sending you love. Can your DH take older kids somewhere else for a few nights (grandparents etc) and you train and stick to it if you feel determined? I know the nights could be bad to start with but they catch on very quickly. Would the nights be worse than what they are now? Two days, maybe three, of him having the hump vs an indefinite amount of time as things are? You deserve to sleep. You are a great mum.