Disciplining a child for constant night wake ups

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My DD is 10.

I split from her dad when she was 2 and a half and it was just me and her until she turned 5 when I met my now DH.

We became a very happy family of 3 which is now 4 after our DS arrived in 2023.

There is just one thing that has always been an issue, DD’s sleeping habits. She will settle herself to sleep just fine but most nights will wake around 3am and need me to get her back to sleep.

This is becoming a big issue between me and DH. He believes I should be punishing her for these wake ups, so cutting her screen time and no treats until she’s improved.

I get his point, but I think we should get to the route of the problem and deal with that. Which it turns out is a very real fear of the dark and being alone. I think the fear of being alone at night stems from when it was just the two of us and I allowed her into my bed, mostly because I had work the next day and needed sleep! Not an excuse, just an explanation.

She goes to her dads every Friday night and her Step-mum has also mentioned to me about her fear of the dark but because she shares a room with her younger sister down there she very rarely bothers them if she does wake. I’m presuming this is because her sister is there.

We did toy with the idea of putting my DS in with DD but he is almost 2 and sleeps perfectly so didn’t want his sleep disrupted plus as she is 10 this maybe not so appropriate.

I would love to hear other peoples opinions and experiences of this. And any advice is very welcome! Thanks in advance.

I wouldn’t ‘punish‘ for this , that seems really cruel for a scared child. Perhaps a reward system would help, so reward the behaviour you’d like to see.

I’d also look at environment if you haven’t already. Is the room comfortable, decorations chosen by your DC, night light available, white noise machine perhaps, that sort of thing

I'd get a dimmer switch on her light and let her sleep with the light on, dimmed down.

I'd also start a sleep association that doesn't need you. Alexa and audiobook works. It's important the book (used for this purpose) isn't a new book - or she'll not follow the story when she falls asleep. We use Harry Potter books 1-3 on repeat. Later HPs are a bit scarey, so not those.

I don't think punishing her is the answer.
That's just going to upset an already upset child.

I'd possibly try 'rewards' if she manages to self settle. If she manges not wake you tonight you'll make cakes with her tomorrow night. Or if she gets to Friday you'll take her to the cinema or something

I wouldn’t punish but I’d definitely see if you could train her out of it by offering a reward.

Not punishing or disciplining, I think you should challenge his mindset on that. Get him to rephrase it: this is a problem to tackle together

I would go for a more immediate reward if you can think of one. Would she enjoy making pancakes for breakfast if she makes it through? Choose a posh soap or shower gel for the morning?

Thank you for your replies.

Punishing seems to be really cruel to me as well, and is a constant argument between me and DH.

i like the idea of a reward system.

She has a lava lamp on in her room, which isn’t particularly bright but quite nice for overnight.

Also great suggestion about the HP audio books, my DD loves all the books and this sounds like it’s worth a try.

Such great advice. Thank you. I will show my DH the replies, it was his suggestion to ask on here.

I think punishing her for waking in the night and asking for help to feel safe would be incredibly cruel. Does your DH think children should be punished for crying too?

She's only 10, she's allowed to find her mum if she feels scared.

And not only is she young, she has at least two half or step siblings and two stepparents. That's a lot to process (even if all the relationships are good and she loves her siblings). It's not surprising that she needs a little extra support to feel secure.

Please don't put the wants of a fully grown man ahead of what's best for your child.

Totally agree with this. Thank you.

my DD has two older step siblings, a half sister and half brother from her dad, and a half brother from me. She gets on great with all of them but I do feel she sometimes gets lost amongst it all.

How on earth is punishing a child ever help sleep? You say you're all a happy family is that from your viewpoint or hers?

Your DH sounds really unkind.

I get it's annoying to have your sleep disrupted but she's a little girl who has had a lot of disruption in her 10 years.

Punishing her isn't going to help her manage her sleep issues or her fears. Imagine being punished for being fearful, how would that help?

Tell your partner to button it about wanting to punish your daughter for something she is already showing fear about. We all get tired , but he doesn't need to act weird about it.
I hate it when step parents go all harsh and disciplinary for their step children once their own perfect kid arrives.

She needs to feel that she isn't unwelcome and alone if she wakes in the night, otherwise it will be even harder to fall back asleep. I think you need some time just you and her to talk about what's troubling her

A simple reward system is needed. Definitely not punishment, that would be cruel and could trigger other issues. Maybe a chart with nights she hasn’t woken you up with a small treat every 7 nights complete. Plus nightlight & tools for self settling which other PP have mentioned. Then when she reaches her treat levels emphasis what a grown up girl she is too etc.

I can see where he’s coming from in that she’s old enough to understand cause and effect - so some kind of consequence is pretty logical.

However, as it’s a fear / concern based behaviour ratger than a ‘naughty’ based on - shifting towards reward rather than punishment is probably the way to go. Recognising the ‘achievement’ when she doesn’t.

That might be by dialling back something for a couple of weeks so it’s no longer normal and becomes the reward option. (We’re currently watching blippi which is on the list of only allowed after being in own bed all night).

If it’s dark and lonely related, worth looking at Yoto’s. They have a night light, time, and play audio and dont need you to use a screen to set going. Having a bit of progress with a younger child on ‘put your story box on, find your bear and snuggle under your blanket and listen to your story’.

Punishing a child for being scared is horrible, OP. She can’t help it, she’s a child and your job is to help her to stop feeling scared, not to make her feel bad for having feelings. I can’t believe your husband is suggesting this, it’s so awful. And I say this as the mum to a child who regularly wakes in the night so I know how difficult night waking can be.

I have no worries that my DD isn’t happy, she is a very well adjusted young lady and the relationship between her and her Step dad is amazing, they get on really well. He loves her like she is his own.

I must clarify she hasn’t ever been punished for the nightly wake ups and my DH only mentioned it to me this morning when both kids were still in bed. She has no idea what my DH has suggested.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions as to helping with the night wake ups. A reward system seems to be the way to go.

I’m taking DD out today for back to school shopping so I will see how she feels about some of these suggestions.

You have my sympathies, my dd started sleeping the night at 11.
She doesn’t like the room too quiet so we got her an Alexa dot for audiobooks or white noise, now at 15 has just started closing her bedroom door at night.

Because your daughter is younger would you get her a teddy with your voice recorded saying whatever you say to reassure her.
Build a bear do them.

Oh bless her. The problem isn't her waking up
It's her being anxious or afraid when alone at night. You want to be teaching her how to cope with that - and certainly not punishing her!

Has she read 'The owl who was afraid of the dark?'

Yy to HP audiobooks. If her mind is anxious, it's good to learn to distract it, to stop the thoughts whirling . . .

Just one thought on HP audio books.

Theyre very good and theres some real jeopardary in the plots. Unless she knows them off by heart something more benign might be better.

I’m with everyone else OP. How awful that your DH should even consider punishing her. It makes me so sad for that scared little girl.

Could you put a camp bed or blow up mattress in your room, so if she wakes she can come in and go back to sleep?

She might be a happy and healthy little girl but if you wake up in the night, even as an adult, strange things go through your head. As someone else said she has step parents and siblings, I bet her worst nightmare might be you disappearing and that might be why she needs you in the night.

I love this idea about the bear, thank you for all your advice. My daughter has an Alexa so maybe this is another thing we can utilise.

The Calm app has good sleep stories for kids. I wouldn’t leave a lava lamp on overnight as they get really hot. A plug in night light would be better. We have a star projector as well and my child will switch it back on if they wake in the night.

Another thing you can do is to combine a coping strategy (audiobook, lava lamp) with a gradually shifting time when she can ask for your help.

So if it’s before 3, she needs to try to help herself before she asks you. If she manages that, then the next time she has to wait until 5 past three. This will seem like a ridiculously small increment, but it mans it looks achievable to her, and in a month you’re at 0530 rather than 3, and she’ll gradually have to rely more and more on her own coping strategies. Reward her for each increment, and once she’s got there the next day the target is five minutes later.

What about a pet who lives in her room? A hamster, maybe? They're active at night, maybe hearing it bustling around will help remind her she isn't alone in the room.