Disciplining a child for constant night wake ups

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My DD is 10.

I split from her dad when she was 2 and a half and it was just me and her until she turned 5 when I met my now DH.

We became a very happy family of 3 which is now 4 after our DS arrived in 2023.

There is just one thing that has always been an issue, DD’s sleeping habits. She will settle herself to sleep just fine but most nights will wake around 3am and need me to get her back to sleep.

This is becoming a big issue between me and DH. He believes I should be punishing her for these wake ups, so cutting her screen time and no treats until she’s improved.

I get his point, but I think we should get to the route of the problem and deal with that. Which it turns out is a very real fear of the dark and being alone. I think the fear of being alone at night stems from when it was just the two of us and I allowed her into my bed, mostly because I had work the next day and needed sleep! Not an excuse, just an explanation.

She goes to her dads every Friday night and her Step-mum has also mentioned to me about her fear of the dark but because she shares a room with her younger sister down there she very rarely bothers them if she does wake. I’m presuming this is because her sister is there.

We did toy with the idea of putting my DS in with DD but he is almost 2 and sleeps perfectly so didn’t want his sleep disrupted plus as she is 10 this maybe not so appropriate.

I would love to hear other peoples opinions and experiences of this. And any advice is very welcome! Thanks in advance.

I don't think either punishment or reward will work TBH. You can't reward someone out of feeling scared! Essentially she will still be scared but just not seeking support from you in exchange for pancakes or whatever. I think you need to focus on finding ways to help her understand and manage her fears independently without needing you - but it might take time. Also, in all likelihood she's going to grow out of this fairly soon anyway.

If she's scared of the dark surely she has a nightlight? Totally agree with suggestions of an audiobook as a distraction.

Have you spoken to her about what she thinks might help her? Have you spoken about the night waking at a time when she's not scared - during the day? You can then make a plan to support her with the aim of you not being involved.

We are in a 2 bed flat so me and DH are on a sofa bed in the lounge and my DD often comes and lays on the other sofa. It’s just the last few nights she has woken us up.

I don’t think it would be so much of an issue if she just came in and laid down on the other sofa.

I don’t think my DD is worried about me disappearing, she is content in the knowledge I am here for her always. She gets on with her step siblings and step mum amazingly, their house is another home for her. We don’t even call it her second home, she just has two homes. So I don’t think any of this is a result of that situation. We all get on really well, myself and my DD’s dad included which I know is a rare occurrence! She is down there regularly, every Friday night and every other weekend she stays the Saturday too. It’s her routine and has been since she was 4.

Great advice, I love this idea. Thank you.

You definitely can't punish her. It would likely make it worse anyway as it would make her more anxious about waking up, something she can't control.
What I would do is look for ways to take away the anxiety of waking up in the night. I remember my child would have isolated nights where he'd wake up and he'd read a book until he fell asleep again. Reading took his mind off not being able to sleep and it makes you tired anyway. Or another type of distraction, like the audio books mentioned. She needs a plan of what she will do when she wakes up, rather than just lying there and worrying, which will make it harder for her to relax.

We became a very happy family of 3.

Did you hell...

This is becoming a big issue between me and DH. He believes I should be punishing her for these wake ups, so cutting her screen time and no treats until she’s improved.

Punishing seems to be really cruel to me as well, and is a constant argument between me and DH.

I don't think you should punish a child for being scared and anxious. She can't help feeling like that. I had terrible nightmares as a child and often ended up in my mum's bed. I never got told off for it, and grew out of it around 12 yrs old.

Make her room extra comfy - dim light, easy to start audio book (yoto?) Could you do a reward? If she sleeps through every night then you’ll have a ‘sleep over’ with her on Saturday night where DH sleeps elsewhere and she come in with you? Or you sleep on a blow up? Or you’ll decorate her room etc?

I'd try moving her in with her half brother. It might comfort her and then she'll probably be ready to move out as she grows older.

Hamsters are really noisy at night!! (From personal experience!) So I wouldn't recommend! But do you have a dog? Could they sleep in her room?

ps I think this is more normal in adults than you might think. I’m fine in bed alone but I HATE being in the house alone or with my kids over night. I don’t do it as I find it really unsettling.

Yeah mine all were too but strangely, it helped me sleep. I could hear them crashing about and it was company at night.

We are very happy thank you very much!

this is just one subject my DH are arguing about.

A hamster is another great idea!

What nightlight does she have? DS has one which is actually bright enough to see clearly around the room. He does have both a clock and a Tonybox (which he is growing out of, the Alexa is a good tween alternative). Between those things, his teddy, and a bottle of water on his bedside table, he usually gets himself back off to sleep without waking us. But yes it did need explicit encouragement to manage for a good couple of years.

I think punishing her will actually cause her to wake up more often. She is scared, anxious, and feeling alone and punishing her will, magnifying those feelings.

She needs reassurance and praise. I would buy her a special gift like a friendship bracelet where you have half and she has half. I'd put a night light I'm her room. I would get her a weighted blanket. You don't need to get an expensive one to start. I'd buy a cheap one and see if it helps. I'd get a clock, you can get silent ones or a digital with a night light, and tell her she's not allowed out of her room until 7am unless its an emergency, she needs a wee or she's super scared.

They are bloody noisy

Get a CD player for her room and she can choose some music and audio book CDs to play when this happens. DD has had this in her room since a toddler and music and a night light has always helped.

I assume that if things are good between your DH and DD then he’s just tired and grumpy after another broken night.

While you don’t want to stop your DD coming to you with her fears, she also needs to know that waking you up every night is having a negative impact on you both and so another solution needs to be found. Because ultimately there’s nothing to be scared of (I mean, rationally speaking. I’m not talking about sneering at her fears or whatever).

If you get a hamster, please make sure you do it 'properly'. A great big second-hand fish tank is best - it contains the mess, there are no bars to chew and you can have layers of different substrate for enrichment. Wild hamsters travel about 5 miles (!) each night so it's not fair to keep the poor little thing cooped up - it'll need a good run around her (hamster proofed) room last thing in the evening and first thing in the morning too. Also, please please PLEASE only get one if you genuinely want one yourself and are prepared to completely take over its care if she gets bored.

A hamster is a terrible idea. They're noisy at night, boring during the day, they smell, they need to be cleaned out regularly, they're often not that friendly and then they die! It sounds like the last thing she (or you) need!

I’d be wary of putting a hamster in the room of a child who is struggling with waking up in the night - they are nocturnal and will run in their wheel all night. Even the wheels which claim to be ‘silent’ are really quite noisy if you’re in the same room as them and trying to sleep.

Don’t discipline, but you can try to change it positively. I haven’t read the full thread (struggling after a 10 month old waking a lot teething!) so someone may have recommended them but Just Chill Mama has ideas for older children as well as babies.

I'm 63 and have panic attacks in the middle of the night due to life events, I just wake up in a full on attack. It's horrible. Im not being naughty. Luckily I have cats that sleep on my bed and they really help.
My DS had them after my divorce. It's quite common. That's when we started with the cats, they helped him no end.
I think you really need to get to the bottom of this, perhaps consider counselling for her.
It's terrifying to wake up in that state.

I think it’s notable that you say in this post that your husband only suggested punishing her for night wake ups today, when your earlier post said:

“Punishing seems to be really cruel to me as well, and is a constant argument between me and DH.”

I think your household is not as happy for your DD as you want to make out or maybe even believe and when you realised that all the posters are (rightly) criticising your husband and his approach, you have started getting defensive about him and your choices, to the extent that you are changing your story.

I haven’t read other suggestions, so I’m sorry if I’m repeating.

Please font punish her. That will only make it harder for her. Also, if she’s scared or anxious about anything else in future she’ll feel that she can’t come to you with how she’s feeling.

My youngest has the same issue - but when she turned 6/7. You just have to persist with tucking them in, reassuring them and going back to bed. No excitement or lights on.

A lave lamp is great. Maybe also get her a dimmer too as she’s very young. I got mine a cute set of string lights that stay on all night - even now 😊

The reward ideas are great but do involve the siblings too - so you’re all sharing her success.

It took my youngest almost a year, sorry. But it’s instilled in them that if they have a problem they know I’m their rock and I will be there for them.

I agree dont use lava lamps, although they do have visually stimulating therapeutic effects, those water filled plastic floating fish tubes with colour changing lights would be better.

We use these with my autistic son and there's a reason they're so prevalent in sensory rooms and quiet spaces. They're a safer option.

I'm a bit cross that your DH thinks she deserves punishment. Does he not have any empathy? He is only thinking about himself. This would give me the ick.