Disciplining a child for constant night wake ups

[jammiedodgerfriday]

My DD is 10.

I split from her dad when she was 2 and a half and it was just me and her until she turned 5 when I met my now DH.

We became a very happy family of 3 which is now 4 after our DS arrived in 2023.

There is just one thing that has always been an issue, DD’s sleeping habits. She will settle herself to sleep just fine but most nights will wake around 3am and need me to get her back to sleep.

This is becoming a big issue between me and DH. He believes I should be punishing her for these wake ups, so cutting her screen time and no treats until she’s improved.

I get his point, but I think we should get to the route of the problem and deal with that. Which it turns out is a very real fear of the dark and being alone. I think the fear of being alone at night stems from when it was just the two of us and I allowed her into my bed, mostly because I had work the next day and needed sleep! Not an excuse, just an explanation.

She goes to her dads every Friday night and her Step-mum has also mentioned to me about her fear of the dark but because she shares a room with her younger sister down there she very rarely bothers them if she does wake. I’m presuming this is because her sister is there.

We did toy with the idea of putting my DS in with DD but he is almost 2 and sleeps perfectly so didn’t want his sleep disrupted plus as she is 10 this maybe not so appropriate.

I would love to hear other peoples opinions and experiences of this. And any advice is very welcome! Thanks in advance.

I think the OP has switched and is downplaying her awful husband’s belief that his stepchild should be punished for being worried in the night time.

The justified criticism of him in here has clearly bothered her.

If went from becoming a constant argument between them, to being something he mentioned today.

I also think being squeezed into a two bedroom flat, with parents sleeping on the sofa, is completely untenable.

Agree with others about punishment not being the answer.

Just be cautious about offering rewards - she can't necessarily "control" when she wakes/her fear and in the moment the reward will matter a lot less than the fear. We tried doing rewards with DS when he had similar sleep issues and it just made him more distressed once he realised he'd lost out on the reward. In the end it felt a bit like we were setting him up to fail - offering him something that was unobtainable for him because his fear was (to him) not something he could control or change. It just made him distressed and anxious at bed time.

But all children are different, so it's worth a try.

(DS just grew out of it in the end)

I missed that they were sleeping on the sofa bed. Agree that’s not tenable.

The OP’s story does seem to chop and change. It’s a source of constant argument, he only mentioned punishing today, she usually lies in the other sofa and has only woken them up for the last few nights.

It might be untenable living in a 2 bed flat but unfortunately that is the situation we are in. We wanted the kids to have their own bedrooms. We are currently saving for a deposit for a house and can’t afford anywhere bigger right now. But that’s a completely different story.

I’m not defending my husband at all. I wouldn’t dream of punishing my DD for this. It was his suggestion to do this just today but the arguments regarding the night wake ups have gone for a while now. He gets up to do a full time job, I work part time so the disruption at night has started to take its toll. That’s the only defence I have for him.

I was honestly only asking for tips and advice on what to do regarding my DD, not opinions or speculation on my marriage or my family life. Of course that’s par for the course on MN. #keyboardwarriors

Thanks for the genuinely helpful posts I have received, I’ve spoken to my DD and mentioned some of your suggestions and it’s been really positive.

Oh gosh, imagine being punished because you have a phobia. My heart breaks for your daughter. I know this must be incredibly difficult for you all interrupting yoir sleep but please speak to your doctor or school to get support for a phobia. Please don’t punish her emotions her therapist won’t thank you when she’s older.

Don't agree with punishment but provided there's no sen concerns and you're adamant she's happy in general I'd make sure she had a night light etc and try a more rigid approach to her night waking, don't make it a big deal but send her straight back to bed, it doesn't have to be nasty but it also doesn't have to be a big fluffy event if that makes sense

why are you letting them lie in? This won’t help the sleep issues either! I’d cut off screen time by 4pm as that massively affects sleep and then she goes to bed every night by 8pm at the latest but 7pm at age 10 is better and then she gets up at 7.30am every morning whether school day or holiday. A god sleep routine will make her actual quality of sleep better too. If she is up earlier than you in the morning then let her sit and watch tv in the living room quietly or she can read/play in her bedroom quietly

Bed at 7pm for 10YO and then up at 7.30am so 12.5 hours total sleep?? Did you misread 10 years as 10 months 🤣

Both kids were up at 7:15, my DH and I were awake chatting at 6:30.
DD is off al screens by 6pm.

Are you actually qualified to give sleep advice to parents?

Thanks for your sanity because I don't know how anyone who doesn't finish work until 5pm, short commute, collect kids, not home until 6pm is meant to actually get dinner cooked, eaten and get kids into bed for 7pm.

Where's family time?
And how are kids meant to sleep having just eaten?

And that's before you consider any clubs or activities children might what to do

My daughter struggles at night and has for years now. She’s 12 and still comes through to me sometimes. I have some sleep issues myself so I did need to put a bit of structure around it - she can come through for reassurance before midnight or after 5 for example. Unless of course it’s more than the usual just not sleeping thing and then of course my door is always open for her. We’d just gotten into a habit and I was struggling.

she has audio books and I don’t mind if she needs to put the light on and read for 10 minutes to reset. Not a lot of screens and we tried magnesium and herbal teas and such - often they work for a little while (probably psychosomatic) but you might find it helps.

I never punished but around 10 I explained how hard it was ‘for me’ to not get a decent amount of sleep so we worked together to find some solutions.

There is no way my 8 year old would go to bed at 7pm! Well we might get him into the bed but he wouldn’t sleep.

He goes to bed at around 9pm, and wakes up between 7:30-8am. I wouldn’t expect a ten year old to go to sleep until at least 9:30pm. Needing 12.5 hours sleep aged 10 is a bit of an outlier.

My 8yo is similar 9ish bedtime.

My oldest 14yo is a non-sleeper. He's never slept 12 hours unless ill!

Beware of leaving the lava lamp on all night. Pretty sure it’s not advised. Get a moonlight. Great, low cost green light but still dark enough.
Don't punish, encourage. For every night she settles herself, award a point or whatever and if she gets a whole week suggest a small reward.

Hamsters are nocturnal so might wake her up!

How about a weighted toy? They are meant to be good for this sort of thing
ODOXIA Weighted Plush for Anxiety | 2.2KG Calming Weighted Teddy | Weighted Stuffed Animal Sloth | Weighted Anxiety Animal | Machine Washable Weighted Plushie : Amazon.co.uk: Toys & Games

A bit like weighted blankets they make people feel secure

Your DH is a dick to suggest this tbh. What an arsehole. Bet this isn’t the first time he’s been a harsher parent than you with a child that isn’t even his own DD.