Lying about cosleeping

[mummicorn87]

I've co slept with my now 3yo since he was a few months old. It was never my intention to, it just happened (falling asleep during night feeds progressed to co sleeping) We both sleep beautifully when together and personally it feels like the most natural thing in the world to sleep next to my baby. Friends and family are so judgemental about it that I've now started lying to them saying he is in his own bed when he isn't.

Its not that I don't want to get him into his own bed, but when I've tried its so upsetting for him that I just end up bringing him back in with me. I feel awful lying to my friends and mil, I hate liers but the guilt of lying is easier to take than the judgy comments and unhelpful advice.

I guess I'm here for

1. A vent
2. Solidarity
3. Gentle transitioning advice

Please be kind.

Love this 😀 thankyou. I've actually come clean to friends about it and they made comments but I don't care anymore. I don't agree with everything they do but I'd never tell them. Its no ones business and if they can't be supportive they aren't good friends.

My DD sleeps in with me most nights. She's 11.

@RadRad I'm not advocating leaving a little one scared and alone. Nor am I judging. Parenting is hard and we all do what we think is best. Plus all children are different. My point is that this had swung from not judging those who co-sleep to judging those who want to teach independence, saying it's a 'weird obsession'. For me, it's not weird, it's really important. I had cancer and was in and out of hospital. My DS was fine at home with grandparents or my sister babysitting as his cosy bed and bedroom are his safe place. He also loves going for sleepovers. I don't know how he would have coped if he couldn't have slept without me being there. I'm terrified that I could die while he is young, so yes, independence is important for me (whilst being loving and close and making him feel safe and secure). But I understand this is an extreme case. My point was more that teaching independence isn't a 'weird obsession'.

It's none of their business and you don't owe them the truth if they're going to be judgemental about it. I don't think it really came up but until recently I had my 7 & 8 year olds in with me. No one else knows what your DC need the way you do, so if cosleeping is working for you, then I'd say keep doing it until one of you wants to change it or it no longer works for you as a family. Cosleeping with both my DC stoped working they were waking each other through the night. Both went into the their own rooms. There was a very short transition period and that was it, no issues changing at all.

No judgement from me, I'll still cosleeping with my 5 year old and I'm happy to do it as long as he likes. I've had a lot of comments too so now I don't really talk about it because I hated having arguments.

I absolutely feel the same way OP! I don't understand why people need to be so judgmental!

No judgement from me. We co-slept for years.

My baby still loves to co-sleep. He’ll be 8 in the new year! 😁

My little girl is 6. She goes to bed at the start of the night either in her own bed in her room or on a sleep over bed with the to half in a play tent in our room that has coloured fairy lights in it. Most nights at around 3am she will then climb into our bed at some point and I have no problem with that whatsoever. She’s my youngest and she won’t be little forever so I’m making the most of it.

I don’t think many people would co-sleep by choice having considered evidence into SIDS and bed-sharing, but people who judge clearly haven’t been parents who unfortunately find themselves at the depth in the valley of sleep deprivation. This sort of judgement/stigma also hinders proper support into making co-sleeping as safe as possible.

raindayrain
I can only speak for myself but we did look into it and moved to cosleeping once DC were too big for their side sleeper cribs and didn't get on with a traditional cot. Following the safe sleeping guidance for co-sleeping with an older baby, toddler and then child is very different to bed-sharing with a newborn. I think sometimes people treat them as one and the same, which is wrong.

If I remember correctly one set of statistics for co-sleeping outcomes also included accidental co-sleeping in completely unsuitable situations (eg. On a sofa or in an armchair holding baby, an adult who isn't safe to cosleep falling asleep when they were trying to remain awake), which are obviously much higher risk than those families being intentional and creating a safe sleep environment.

Just keep lying. Cosleeping is the best. Honestly I wish I'd lied more about cosleeping (and extended breastfeeding.) so many bullshit conversations with idiots - the idiots I love were the worst. I don't tell anyone else how to parent - I'm not interested in their views on how I do.) All a lot easier now that bits over though, people are so opinionated with little ones.

If you want to transition I found getting a new bed worked for mine at a certain age. Although it had to be new (second hand is fine, so long as it wasn't sibling's/ already on the premises - this was never articulated but their new bed excitement was always a big excitement for them and our transitions were smooth, joyful experiences. (With failed attempts too but didn't push it)

My 5 year old cosleeps with me half the night. I've always been honest. But mil told my husband how difficult it must be for him that he gets no sex...

Guess our second child is a miraculous conception 😀

My 2 were like barnacles, I couldn't shake them off for years, and looking back it was the loveliest thing. I wouldn't change it. They both grew out of it naturally.

@Tailfeather I am sorry you had cancer, long illness is of course every parent's worst fear, the comment about the "weird obsession" was referring to parents who are adamant to teach their babies to learn something they are not developmentally ready for. I agree that in your circumstances being more independent from the parent's presence must have helped, I also think that kids are very resilient and adapt very quickly by instinct, more than what we give them credit for. I wish you all the best.

We co-slept in secret for the first few years of both my daughters lives. Currently cuddling dd 8 to get her asleep (takes a few mins) and then she’ll be transferred to her own bed where she sleeps like a log.
I think co-sleeping has been a massive part of our bond. EBF is virtually impossible if you don’t co-sleep.
I often get my 10 yr old to sleep too but nowadays sleep is often derailed by chatting and belly laughing!

I co sleep with my dd and still breastfeed her at night (she’s 4) and lie to both the hv and gp about it as both were really judgemental when she was 2 saying it was for my benefit and that i should stop both ! So I said I had when I hadn’t

@HiCandles

whats not working about how you're doing it now?

I have terrible anxiety about something happening to me and how ds would cope. Even if it was just for a night. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope you are well now 💙

I think its fine whichever option (safe cosleeping or independent sleeping) a parent chooses. Its the judging each other for choosing to parent differently that needs to stop. I cant say I haven't judged others myself, I guess its human nature!

Omg I had the same comment from my partners AUNT! who id met only twice! "Oh that's strange... must be great for your love life" how RUDE!

Oh I lie about all sorts with mine. For all anyone knows they were all fully weaned by 2, all sleeping in their own beds... in reality the eldest has just stopped breastfeeding (her choice at almost 5) and we all sleep in a big superking-size family bed 😆
FIL (!) did once allude to the impact on our sex life when DD was tiny and I still talked about cosleeping. I just said "Sorry, are you wanting information about my sex life with your son? Because most people would find that really uncomfortable." and it had the desired effect.

It's so lovely that's worked for you but why is EBF impossible unless you co-sleep?

In the cot, he wakes up somewhere between 9-12 then is awake for a hour, sometimes settled by us sitting next to cot, replacing dummy or offering water, but mostly either wide awake or sleepy but not sleeping. Sometimes goes back to sleep in the cot but often not until we pick up and walk around (very difficult as he is so heavy and I am pregnant with hip pain) or cuddle in armchair. Sometimes giving milk in desperation helps but not always. Repeat about 3 hours later. Wakes anywhere from 4.30-6am.
Even if he does wake whilst cosleeping, this palaver can be partially ignored because I am also dozing and lying down!
If you have any alternative suggestions I am open to hearing them, I find it a lot more comfortable without him there but I am at the end of my tether and at this point just need sleep however it comes.

@HiCandles

sorry, I think we're misunderstand what each other is saying? (Probably sleep deprivation! At least yours us cute!!)

Are you saying you don't want to co sleep?

putting him to bed in his cut then co sleeping after he wakes up (9-12). Seems ok to me, especially if he sleeps well/ling after that.

We have our 15 month old in bed with us. It started back in the summer, when I went on holiday with my family but due to work commitments my husband had to stay home. My mum was helping me settle my son and she suggested I breastfeed him lying down. It worked well so now that's what we do at home if he won't settle in his own room, or it's the middle of the night and I'm warm and CBA to sit in his room to feed him. My husband did say he didn't want us to make a habit of it. I kindly reminded him that he generally sleeps through night feeds so didn't get a say. Tbf now if I ask him to go fetch our son in the middle of the night he says he loves our 'sleepovers' 🤣