Lying about cosleeping

[mummicorn87]

I've co slept with my now 3yo since he was a few months old. It was never my intention to, it just happened (falling asleep during night feeds progressed to co sleeping) We both sleep beautifully when together and personally it feels like the most natural thing in the world to sleep next to my baby. Friends and family are so judgemental about it that I've now started lying to them saying he is in his own bed when he isn't.

Its not that I don't want to get him into his own bed, but when I've tried its so upsetting for him that I just end up bringing him back in with me. I feel awful lying to my friends and mil, I hate liers but the guilt of lying is easier to take than the judgy comments and unhelpful advice.

I guess I'm here for

1. A vent
2. Solidarity
3. Gentle transitioning advice

Please be kind.

Just follow your instincts, OP. If co-sleeping is the way in which you all get enough sleep, go for it.

My dd co-slept for a good few years. We waited until she was ready to move into her own room, no big battles. It was a gradual process with a lot of coming and going between rooms. We just let her do it at her own pace.

No regrets her at all. I think it was the most natural thing in the world and I will always be glad that we were able to give her that sense of safety and security at night.

For a gentle transition, can you get a bed for his room that is big enough for you to sleep next to him? He's big enough that he doesn't need a cot / toddler bed. Then you can start the transition by both of you sleeping the full night in his bed in his room. No need to do more than that for now if you don't want, but then you can gradually leave him in bed for longer periods - starting with the period between his bedtime and yours, and then extending to longer in the night?

We did something like this with my DS from about 10 months and now (18mo) he largely sleeps on his own in his room. He still goes to sleep with me there and when he wakes in the night I go through to resettle him (sometimes he comes to find me first). We still have the option of cosleeping if he needs it, but we both also have our own space!

3 is still tiny. I lie with my 7 and 5 year old in my bed every night until they're asleep, then I transfer them to their own beds (only because they kick) and frequently they wake up in the night and come back to my bed. At 3 they still Co-slept with me. It's totally normal and I wouldn't worry about it. People always told me I was making a rod for my own back but frankly I don't care. I'd far rather they felt safe.

People always told me that I was making a rod for my own back as well. They couldn't have been more wrong!

Would also say don't fix what's not broken though.

I don't like cosleeping because my son makes a lot of noise and wriggles and kicks and rolls over and wants to sleep on top of me etc, so my sleep is much more disrupted if I'm cosleeping than if he does the wriggling and rolling on his own and just has some milk and a quick cuddle to get back to sleep!

It's natural. Other countries do this with no judgement. Granted because of space and security but in sure even in those countries if they were built a solid house with security they would still choose to sleep in the same room atleast as thier children because they are family.

Those who say you are making a rod for your own back are usually the same generation who think children should be seen and not heard and think smacking children is acceptable. I really wouldn't worry about thier 'advice' or 'judgement'

Again. It's natural and when the day comes and your child/children want to sleep on their own room then as long as you follow thier wishes then you are doing the right thing

If it works for you and your child and you're following safe sleep guidance then like a PP said, a healthy dose of not giving a fuck is in order.

Everyone has different things that work for them and their children. Some parents are weirdly obsessed with independence from a young age and are convinced that unless a child is in their own room, sleeping 12 hours a night without any parental input then you're making a rod for your own back, they'll never settle, you'll never get them out. It's all bollocks based on them feeling better about their own decisions.

I’d just front it out, OP. If the comments persist, I’d ask them what it is like being such a perfect mother 😁.

That being said, co-sleeping does increase the risk of SIDS, adult mattresses are not designed for little babies. I often see the reasoning of ‘people co-sleep around the world’ but never any mention that babies also die from co-sleeping around the world.

I am not trying to scaremonger anyone but that is why I chose not to co-sleep, because I felt it was unsafe, and not because I didn’t agree it was natural to be close to your baby. Although in general I’d agree most of the judgment stems from people believing babies should have independence, whatever that means..

YY to some parents being weirdly obsessed with independence.

I remember someone making a comment to me about dd co-sleeping when she was a toddler, expressing concern that I wasn't giving her the opportunity to learn to be independent. I mean, ffs, the kid was two years old... she doesn't need to be independent at that stage!

Funnily enough, as a young adult, dd seems more than capable of functioning independently!

We have just started cosleeping with my 18mo because he was sleeping so terribly in his cot. When in with a parent he sleeps all night!
Can I ask OP or other co sleepers, how does bedtime work? So far he goes to sleep in his cot and then wakes about 9-12 when he comes into our bed.
I'm afraid to put him to bed in the big bed as he might roll off the side. I don't want to go to bed at 7pm, I have things to do!

Yeah lie, you're both getting sleep that's all that matters.

I do stories in bed then lay with him while he falls asleep (around 8pm) I then read/watch TV on phone and/or potter about upstairs so I can keep an eye on him, but he sleeps very still in the middle of the bed.

My DS6 has always preferred sleeping with us, and he does 1-2 nights a week, but I was adamant that I wanted him to be happy sleeping on his own in case anything happened that meant we weren't around. It now means we can go on weekend breaks without him, he can enjoy sleepovers and camping trips with his friends and go and stay at grandparents houses etc. Plus I sleep SOO much better without him in our bed (although I do love the snuggles and him holding my hand or stroking my arm in the night when we do have a 'sleepover' together).

I think the independence thing isn't a weird obsession, but our job, to help them feel safe and secure without always being around - because we wont always be around. What happens if you got sick and has to spend a long time in hospital etc?

Thanks so much. I might give that a go, bedtime takes up to an hour as it is so I wonder whether he'd go to sleep quicker if I was lying next to him.
I guess I will have to try it to know whether he'll move too much. Maybe they're just so tired in the early part of the night sleep they just lie still.

Personally, I think it's counterproductive for parents to focus too much on developing independence in very young children. They are not developmentally ready to be independent when they're very tiny.

Far better, in my view, to focus on helping them to feel safe and secure, and to ensure that their needs are properly met, so that they are supported to develop the confidence and self esteem that enables them to go out and explore the world when the time comes.

My babies' Moses baskets were wedged on a platform between the wall and my bed so that I could have my hand on / by them whenever they needed soothing and they frequently ended up co-sleeping after a middle of the night feed. They were around 6 months before they no longer fitted in the Moses basket and went into the nursery. In those days though, the world and his wife weren't making money out of telling young mothers what they should be doing. Trust your instincts. Ignore the trends, the self-appointed experts and judges. Mothering is as natural an act as there can be. Enjoy the closeness you feel to your baby.

Lie if it helps. People lie about their parenting all the time. But if it bothers you, be out and proud!
Co sleeping is lovely.

I wouldn’t tell people irl I cosleep and really there is no need

Completely get this, my nearly 4 year old is still in our bed, I don't tell people anymore! If it's any consolation, my eldest was a terrible sleeper and I spent hours trying to get her to sleep and she often ended up in our bed but suddenly she decided she wanted to sleep in her bed and sleeps perfectly now. I really wish I had just let her sleep in our bed as we would all have got more sleep!

Far better, in my view, to focus on helping them to feel safe and secure, and to ensure that their needs are properly met, so that they are supported to develop the confidence and self esteem that enables them to go out and explore the world when the time comes.

This. And I'm pretty sure this has actually been proven in research.

DS7 is in with me 90% of the time, he loves being with mummy, it's not gonna be forever and I love having him next to me, he sleeps likes a angel!

If the baby is settled and happy to be on their own in their own bed, yes all good, but if you leave them scared and alone to “teach” them independency, what you are teaching them is that you don’t care basically. To your point if someone goes to hospital etc, I sort of get what you mean, but I don’t get what you mean - what do you expect a 2-3 year old who is used to sleeping alone to be able to do - go grocery shopping?
I am all for independence but one size doesn’t fit all unfortunately.

They are jealous because you don't look sleep deprived and haggard. Sod them! I did it for bloody years till mine were happy to go to their own bed around 5.

Don't tell the nosy bastards

Another co sleeper here and I absolutely love it. Giving birth to my second soon and DH wants to try the crib again but I want to co sleep. To be fair to him I think he looks back and feels a bit guilty that I did every night wake up for 18 months so doesn’t want to fall into that trap again but I loved cosleeping and have no regrets.

DD is 2 now and in her own bed but I get in with her to go to sleep. She’s then on her own until she wakes up. Sometimes she goes the whole night, sometimes I get in around 2-4 and stay with her cause I’m too lazy to wait for her to fall back asleep and go back to my own bed!

It’s for such a tiny part of their life and as adults there are very few that don’t have some kind of sleep crutch, whether that’s a book, a hot drink, white noise or just a cuddle with their partner! We get comfort from not being alone so why do we expect it of tiny children?