I hate having to let my toddler scream herself to sleep.

hippygirllucky · 2023-07-18T18:49:41+00:00

My 18mo has been fed to sleep up til now. I'm not sick of it but I know she needs to fall asleep on her own at some point. This evening she fed for an hour and still wasn't asleep so I just told her I loved her and put her in her cot and left. She screamed herself to sleep. She either seems to go to sleep on the boob, or refuses and ends up just having to scream herself to sleep because anything else will be interpreted as play time :( we've tried putting her in the cot and stroking her, gently reassuring her and sitting with her but she just pops up and interprets this as play time. We've even sat in the room quietly and not engaged but just been a reassuring presence and she's just screamed and screamed because we won't play. The longest my husband did this was 1.5 hours, after which we gave up and I fed her to sleep. In the end, it ends up being easier to just leave the room and within about 10 minutes she'll scream herself to sleep but it's heart breaking. Please help. This is awful.

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LividHot · 18/07/2023 19:50

My 3.5 year old just fell asleep on the boob so I’m probs not the woman to help 🙈

Anyday · 18/07/2023 19:54

10 mins of screaming is better than an hour and a half of screaming, how long has she been doing this? I imagine it will reduce quickly if you are consistent. It's not nice but probably just an overtiredness 'scream' if she's dropping off so quickly after you leave the room.

If she was screaming for a biscuit (you may not be at tantrum stage yet!) would you immediately give her one to stop the screaming? Probably not , for some reason when it comes to sleep people find it harder not to give in to their toddlers demands!

I hope she settles for you soon!

Quartz2208 · 18/07/2023 19:55

LividHot · 18/07/2023 19:50

My 3.5 year old just fell asleep on the boob so I’m probs not the woman to help 🙈

This. At some point doesn’t need to be know. Most are ready some like mine were not.

one thing I have learnt in parenting is if you get the timing rights things are easier. Some are readier earlier than others. Some things will be early some will be late but forcing at the wrong time is just a whole lot more work

Quartz2208 · 18/07/2023 19:56

And what is her sleep/nap schedule have you got her bedtime right

LT2 · 18/07/2023 19:57

Watching thread.

My 18 month old son is also fed to sleep. I don't dare try to just leave him, because I'm too soft. It breaks my heart too.

SavedbytheBe11 · 18/07/2023 19:57

I fed mine to sleep. Too soft for crying.

CatherinedeBourgh · 18/07/2023 19:57

18months is very little still. Mine fed to sleep until they were 4 years old, stopped of their own accord. Now they are teenagers they sleep just fine!

DivorcedAndDelighted · 18/07/2023 19:57

I used to offer a sippy cup of water and say "mummy's boobies are tired now. No more milk tonight, but you can have cuddles". Often there would still be screaming but I stayed there and cuddled / stroked their back anyway. It took time but so does any course of action if you have a stubborn baby.
Ideally your partner or someone else would do bedtime for a while and you just go out, so baby knows there's no milk available. But my ExH never helped with that sort of thing so I wasn't able to try.

WedTheBed · 18/07/2023 20:00

Leaving a child to scream for more than 5-10 minutes is not ok though. I get you want to wean off the boob but the cry it out method has proved to affect children’s mental health negatively. Respond to your child, they’re 18 months old and are attached to you because you are their highest form of comfort and feeling safe. Leaving them in their room without their usually feeding comfort to cry and get no response is not going to make them feel safe and surrounded by love.

Yes, having a clingy bedtime screamer is exhausting. But their mental health should be priority. Find another method that doesn’t involve leaving them to cry.

ChuckMater · 18/07/2023 20:10

Don't leave her to scream herself to sleep then. If you truly hate it, don't do it. I still sit with my 5yo and 2yo until they fall asleep.

PurpleChrayne · 18/07/2023 20:11

WedTheBed · 18/07/2023 20:00

Leaving a child to scream for more than 5-10 minutes is not ok though. I get you want to wean off the boob but the cry it out method has proved to affect children’s mental health negatively. Respond to your child, they’re 18 months old and are attached to you because you are their highest form of comfort and feeling safe. Leaving them in their room without their usually feeding comfort to cry and get no response is not going to make them feel safe and surrounded by love.

Yes, having a clingy bedtime screamer is exhausting. But their mental health should be priority. Find another method that doesn’t involve leaving them to cry.

Absolutely this.

Bramblecrumble22 · 18/07/2023 20:19

I remember having this exact problem. Husband could settle her when I wasn't around but with me she just wanted boob. But if she fed to sleep she woke up more easily and didn't resettleS. he'd be fighting me trying to get her to sleep other ways. I'd walk out and go to check on her 10 minutes later, she was always asleep. So a handhold, it wasn't fun and it didn't last forever. She's never laid in her bed, or cot, when she was younger and drifted off with me next to her doing story or something, like I imagined and remember doing when I was small.

JonjoMonjo21 · 18/07/2023 20:21

Is she tired? Is he having naps still, once mine has a bottle he conks out…….Also a feed mine to sleep here. This is my 3rd baby and I am far too soft for tears and upset babies. Takes me about 10 minutes to give him a bottle and he’s flat out then. Also still co sleeping. So not much help.

LGBirmingham · 18/07/2023 20:21

Op have you considered putting lo in a floor bed instead? Around this sort of age, maybe a little earlier mine stopped always feeding to sleep as didn't always work. I would lie with him and sing and tap his bum instead when it didn't work. I'd already been doing that alongside breastfeeding for ages.

Then I took the plunge and switched round the routine so breastfeeding didn't come last and it was fine.

BuffaloCauliflower · 18/07/2023 20:26

She’ll learn to fall asleep alone in her own time. It’s normal for kids much older than this to need support to sleep. I stopped breastfeeding my son to sleep at 20 months because my milk dried up in pregnancy, but at nearly 3 he still needs someone to lie with him to go to sleep. There’s really no NEED for them to fall asleep alone, being comforted and feeling safe is needed to relax enough to go to sleep. If you’d like to stop feeding to sleep that’s ok, but there’s no harm to carrying on. It’s hard when it’s all on you though. Could you transition her to a floor bed instead of a cot and daddy can try cuddling to sleep?

Trying2bemum · 18/07/2023 20:29

We did “cuddle and cry”. You leave them for 3 minutes then go back and comfort / settle. Repeat until they fall asleep. Our 6mo got it very quickly and now self settles. She only ever cried for a few minutes - less time than she cried sometimes in the car. She’s a very happy content smiley and perfectly attached baby. And she happily goes to bed in her cot now she has learned to self settle.

StressedToDeathhhh · 18/07/2023 20:31

I couldn't leave mine to scream for 1 minute never mind scream themselves to sleep! My 2 year old still feeds to Sleep, the other two (5 and 13) still did when they were 2 and now they fall asleep on their own listening to audio books. No sleep training or screaming involved they just grew up and got the hang of it. Unless you're horrifically sleep deprived and driving a lorry so this is from utter desperation, I just don't understand why you need to do this

StopStartStop · 18/07/2023 20:35

Don't leave your little one to scream herself to sleep. Snuggle in with her and let her fall asleep, feeding or not.

My dd was breastfed until she was four, had her own bed from age five, but I think the last time she snuggled in with me she was nineteen.

Don't torture yourself and your baby. Do what your heart tells you.

NotMyDayJob · 18/07/2023 20:36

Do you want to wean or do you want her to fall asleep? If you want to wean there are gentler ways to do it. If you are worried she won't ever fall asleep alone, I fed my now five year to sleep pretty much every night til she was nearly 2.5. she's a brilliant sleeper now and she slept through from about 11 months. It's biologically normal to feed to sleep.

egowise · 18/07/2023 20:44

Sooth your baby.

I did with all mine until they were ready for me not to be there.

They all sleep very well independently.

mokebox · 18/07/2023 20:46

I didn't breastfeed but cuddled to sleep. At some point I decided that they needed to fall asleep independently so I did the ferber method (slightly more gentle than all out cry it out but still heartbreaking). It worked after a few nights and lasted a good year, until it didn't. Eventually routines changed slightly, more seperation anxiety kicked in, other toddler phases etc.

So, after all the tears (hers and mine), I now have a 3 year old who still wants me there til she falls asleep & occasionally comes into my bed for a cuddle in the night, and you know what....who cares?! She's happy & sleeps, I sleep and I know I won't be forever. I bitterly regret ever bothering with sleep training and I won't be doing it with DC2.

Point is, if I've learnt anything is that you have to find what works for your family and usually that's whatever results in contented baby & mum, and everyone getting a decent sleep. Falling asleep independently seems to be some holy grail of parenting but it's nonsense unless it's what makes everyone happy.

sparklelikeadiamond · 18/07/2023 20:48

Don’t leave her to cry. That sounds really awful. I’ve had to feed to sleep and cuddle to sleep.

MissyB1 · 18/07/2023 20:52

WedTheBed · 18/07/2023 20:00

Leaving a child to scream for more than 5-10 minutes is not ok though. I get you want to wean off the boob but the cry it out method has proved to affect children’s mental health negatively. Respond to your child, they’re 18 months old and are attached to you because you are their highest form of comfort and feeling safe. Leaving them in their room without their usually feeding comfort to cry and get no response is not going to make them feel safe and surrounded by love.

Yes, having a clingy bedtime screamer is exhausting. But their mental health should be priority. Find another method that doesn’t involve leaving them to cry.

Good job OP’s toddler is only crying for 10 minutes then - no harm done 👍

Milkmani · 18/07/2023 21:03

Would she take a dummy at all? Maybe to try and wean her off she could have a bottle at bedtime and you lie next to her until she falls asleep? My son doesn’t feed to sleep luckily but I do lie next to his cot until he falls asleep. Sometimes it can be an hour or more, he’s not crying but just bopping about. Sometimes I will leave the room and sometimes he’s fine for me to leave, other days he will cry and I go straight back to him. One day she won’t need you anymore but for now she does. Look up ways to wean her away from the breastfeeding to sleep if that’s what you need, the must be lots of women that have been in the same boat. Do
you want your supply to dry up completely or do you still want to feed during the day?

PizzaPizza56 · 18/07/2023 21:07

We're in this position too. 13 month old. He will scream for 4 hours before screaming himself to sleep (still better than the 10 hour daily screaming sessions of our first 4 months with colic).

I've stopped feeding him to sleep because he was making himself windy screaming and eating and that was making matters worse.

He is better if I have nothing at all to do with bedtime. After 12 months of me doing literally everything DH now takes over from the point of getting ready for bed to sleep. I stay in another room so he can't hear or see me.

I've been told there's no point sleep training the type of child who will scream for hours and make themselves sick. DH is doing a combination of walking round, rocking, letting him play in his cot and doesn't even attempt it until he's showing signs of being sleepy which most nights is around 8pm.

It's difficult but can't last forever (it would be lovely to know when it will end though!)