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Sleep

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Original poster

MIL wants to co-sleep

70 replies

Yellowdiamond10 · 05/07/2023 21:13

Any advice is greatly appreciated. My ex partners mother wants to have our child over night, she has said she will cosleep with little one which I massively disagree with, I did for a while and I had such anxiety doing it and finally got little one sleeping in their own crib. My ex doesn't think there is any issue with it but I find it very strange considering that we don't do this anymore as we felt from a safety perspective, now he is older and moving around it's not as safe and also she is not his parent! Is there anything I can do other than voice my concerns? As we are not together he is saying I have no say on what he decides to do?

OP posts:

BananaSpanner · 05/07/2023 21:37

I’m torn re this as if she was doing me a favour by babysitting for the night it really wouldn’t bother me as long as everyone was happy and got a good night sleep and it didn’t aggravate mils back ache.
However I don’t understand why you would ask for a sleep over with a child when tending to them at night is difficult.

Be firm, sleep overs are only agreed to on the condition child sleeps in own bed. Then hope they abide by it.

Where is MiLs partner going to sleep if there is a partner?

saraclara · 05/07/2023 21:37

Her reasons are it hurts her back to bend over the travel cot!

If she's my age it probably does. I find it really hard to put the younger DGD (seven months) in the travel cot. My back can barely take it, and it's certainly hard to do without her waking up, because my aching joints mean I can't do it smoothly.

Is there an alternative option for a safe bed for your 11 month old, that doesn't involve high immovable sides and a base that's at floor level?

wutheringkites · 05/07/2023 21:40

Is there an alternative option for a safe bed for your 11 month old,

How about the bed the baby has in his mother/ father's house(s)?

The kid isn't a doll.

Original poster

Yellowdiamond10 · 05/07/2023 21:41

@Theunamedcat he has said that his grandma should get time with him so it's his choice what he does and he sees no issue with her sleeping in the same bed with him. I sought legal advice when we both first split up and I know that it's unlikely he would get overnight stays until little one is 2 years old (if I wanted to do that) but I don't want him not to see his child and go down that route unless absolutely necessary

OP posts:

wutheringkites · 05/07/2023 21:43

Does the dad currently do any overnights?

chillin12 · 05/07/2023 21:43

Erm, personally, I don’t see the problem, providing your child isn’t at risk from falling off the bed, as 11 months seems fairly secure. I’m sure I co-slept as a child, once I seemed old enough, with my parents and also, relatives, so it seems quite normal to me. Unless you don’t trust your MIL to care for your child adequately, then that’s a different story. Ultimately, it’s your choice though, if you feel strongly about it. Or if you feeling that uncomfortable, you are entitled to refuse.

FictionalCharacter · 05/07/2023 21:43

Absolutely not.
Why does she want to have your baby overnight anyway, and why does your ex want her to?

Daisybuttercup12345 · 05/07/2023 21:44

She would not be having my baby to sleep over. End of.

ShirleyPhallus · 05/07/2023 21:47

I don’t think MN is the place to ask this for logical replies tbh

Original poster

Yellowdiamond10 · 05/07/2023 21:47

@saraclara my mum has a bad back and hips and her answer to me is it's one night, i can deal with it (she has had multiple ops and is lates 60's) and she will always respect my wishes (even if she doesn't agree with them sometimes) as she wants to spend time with her grandchild.

@chillin12 my concern is from a safety issue, she said she would hold on to his legs! What happens if he falls out of bed?

OP posts:

Mum2jenny · 05/07/2023 21:49

Absolutely not appropriate

chillin12 · 05/07/2023 21:54

Yellowdiamond10 · 05/07/2023 21:47

@chillin12 my concern is from a safety issue, she said she would hold on to his legs! What happens if he falls out of bed?

If you are concerned he will fall out, then I think you need to convince your child’s father that it’s very important they sleep in a cot. You MIL may be asleep and not realise when he’s about to fall.

Generalstuff · 05/07/2023 22:02

I co sleep/slept with both my grandchildren. I also co slept with my own children. If my daughter did not want me to I would respect that. But she's OK with it.

saraclara · 05/07/2023 22:08

Daisybuttercup12345 · 05/07/2023 21:44

She would not be having my baby to sleep over. End of.

What about having her son's baby to sleep over?

NicLondon1 · 05/07/2023 22:12

Can you call her yourself and be pleasant but firm about it?
”I am so sorry you can’t bend over the cot, it’s just that I’ve just taught him to get to sleep there and it’s where he feels comfy… I absolutely wouldn’t mind when he’s older, say 3, but now it’s quite dangerous as he could fall out… is that OK?”

Original poster

Yellowdiamond10 · 05/07/2023 22:16

@NicLondon1 they're very different to my parents and don't listen. I have asked them before not to feed him certain things as we are testing for allergies and I've caught them feeding him lemonade or other fizzy drinks/snacks. I just think it's plain disrespectful personally!

OP posts:

Wenfy · 05/07/2023 22:19

When older or disabled grandparents take the kids co-sleeping is often the safest option even for older kids.

Angrywife · 05/07/2023 22:23

Yellowdiamond10 · 05/07/2023 21:31

What I'm asking is is there anything I can do to enforce this (legally) or have I just got to voice my wishes again maybe more bluntly and hope that they respect that?

How would you monitor it?
You can tell her it's not happening but how would you know if it did or not?
How would legally enforcing it work? You can't have cctv in the room or stand watching them, I can't think of any way you'll know what she does

saraclara · 05/07/2023 22:23

Wenfy · 05/07/2023 22:19

When older or disabled grandparents take the kids co-sleeping is often the safest option even for older kids.

Also there's that. My hearing is deteriorating, so now that she sleeps in a different room, I worry about not hearing her if she needs me in the night.

Lizzt2007 · 05/07/2023 22:23

Ask them to at least use a bed guard. I've co slept with my children and now do it with my grandchildren. Granddaughter is a really bad sleeper, even for parents, and just sleeps better cuddled. Realistically the nights she sleeps I really don't, I rest but don't fully sleep. Unfortunately there's very little you can enforce assuming dad has parental responsibility as he has an equal authority in decisions regarding baby.

LookItsMeAgain · 05/07/2023 22:24

Tell her that you don't think your ex will agree to cosleep with her but she should ask anyway

Angrywife · 05/07/2023 22:25

FictionalCharacter · 05/07/2023 21:43

Absolutely not.
Why does she want to have your baby overnight anyway, and why does your ex want her to?

Why would a grandparent want to have their grandchild over night??

Really??

DowntonCrabby · 05/07/2023 22:29

Totally safe and totally appropriate for a DGM to co-sleep with a DGC… if the parents permit it. It’s not the co-sleeping or the relationship that’s the issue, it’s the boundary of crosses for you as her DM which means it’s not ok.

Quitelikeacatslife · 05/07/2023 22:33

What I'd worry about is that she may agree to what you want, but then once she is on her own she will do what she likes

Original poster

Yellowdiamond10 · 05/07/2023 22:35

@Angrywife obviously I wouldn't and I think your response is quite passive aggressive to be honest! I am concerned about the safety of my child and in all honesty if a grandparent or any carer of my child feels that their health impacts the way they look after my child then they shouldn't be having my child! Like I've said on previous posts my parents are older, have their health issues but they respect my wishes and if ever that became an issue and they wanted to co sleep because of that whilst he was so young I would be having the exact same conversations with them!

I am not asking them to look after my child, they are asking me!

I was asking a genuine question as I was concerned about it! Personally if my ex has my child a couple of nights every other weekend, I don't see why he should be staying with anyone other than his dad unless of an emergency. It's not like he will have him full time!

OP posts:

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