Those who sleep trained - did it damage your baby?

[Purple89]

My DD is 6 months and my husband and I are completely on our knees.

She wakes sometimes every 45 minutes, sometimes every hour, sometimes every 2 hours. In desperation I co sleep from 3 or 4 am but she still lies wide awake flailing her arms hitting me and pulling my face and hair. She also only does 30 min naps in the day and so I can't sleep when she does. I feel broken. I cry every day. I love her so much but this isn't sustainable and I feel like I'm not being a good mum because of it. My husband and I share the nights but he works full time so I try and take more of the share in the week.

I'm approaching a sleep consultant. Would like to do a gentle method like parent presence but we will see what they suggest.

For those who did it, do you feel it affected your baby emotionally, mentally or intellectually? I love her so much and the thought of this frightens me. Just hoping for some reassurance really.

Thank you in advance.

Hi OP, I have an almost two year old. We did CIO when he was about 13 months, he cried for about 10 mins the first night, about 6 mins the second night then nothing after that and has slept beautifully ever since unless he’s unwell or uncomfortable etc.

suffice to say that he didn’t simply “learn that I won’t come to him” so it’s pointless crying as some people will have you believe, I know this because he still has absolutely no issues letting me know if something is wrong, he will cry now and then for unknown reasons and I will go to him and he’s usually fairly quick to settle down again, this is usually I think due to changes in routine or surroundings etc, or naturally if he’s unwell or too hot/cold etc then he will cry for me.

He shouts for me if he needs me and every morning when he wakes up he shouts for me to go to his room😍 so he knows I am there when he needs me.

i was extremely worried like you seem to be but honestly it was a great decision for us, we were all instantly happier, he is an extremely bright and engaging little boy, I frequently get comments on his beautiful nature, he and I have an incredibly close bond that has not suffered in the slightest.

The bottom line is that if your child knows they can count on you, if you’re a present and attentive and affectionate parent, they know that, and sleep training will not affect that at all.

I didn't sleep train as such but I never ever ever brought them into our bed. Not once. They never even knew it was an option.
I fed them porridge at bedtime, pulled the door shut and wasn't afraid to let them cry a bit. Encouraged reliance on blankets and teddies asap and stopped bf.
Both good sleepers from about four or five months. If that was through learning no one came when they cried they don't seem to be harmed by it 20 years on. All off at uni now and bonded just fine.
I was going back to work and figured their needs didn't trump mine.

VivaVivaa I still breast feed both of mine to sleep but my eldest self weaned off night feeds at 18 months.

I truly believe they all get their on their own timeline and many adults enjoy having a partner to bedshare with so I find it odd we take this away from tiny infants.

I would exclude other causes before taking such drastic action at only 6 months. So many people seem to have kids and think sleep is linear, going from bad to good. It's up and down the first couple of years. Better expectation management would help.

We got help from a gentle sleep consultant when DD was 11 months. I was mid-chemo, DH tore his carotid artery because his blood pressure went so sky high, we were both exhausted and unwell and couldn’t take it any longer. Couldn’t co sleep as it didn’t stop the constant waking anyway and she kept trying to pull the PICC line out of my arm so DH ended up doing it while I cried in another room feeling guilty.

Best decision we could have made. We had fewer tears than we were getting from the constant night waking and resulting over-tiredness. It took a month because we were not prepared to do any cry it out (no judgement on those who do, DD had a febrile seizure once and we are constantly petrified she’ll have another).

Now DD goes to bed without a fuss, after her stories we say goodnight and shut the door. She settles herself to sleep and sleeps through for 12 hours. She’s like a different child in the day now, so smiley and happy. We couldn’t have carried on how we were, and I do not think it has caused her any harm whatsoever.

Oh I should add - we always go to her when she cries. We did last night. The difference is we aren’t doing it 16 times a night and once we’ve fixed what the problem is she goes back to sleep and so do we.

Nope. She's 24 now and just cooked my dinner

No...my babies are happy boisterous little boys (7 and 4) who still sleep very nicely. Apart from waking up to go toilet (ds4) who doesn't like to go alone so does wake me for that.

I will add we did CIO with both boys at around 6m.

I love how you’ve picked me out when, of all the posters on this thread, our approach was probably the most gentle gentle softly softly. DS was supported throughout and never left to cry alone. The crying was extremely minimal anyway. Probably the most gentle type of ‘sleep training’ you can get. And I clearly specified we did this at 10-11 months, not 6.

And good for you, but I was suicidal with sleep deprivation and I was imminently going back to a job where lots of people rely on me to be pretty good and on it. I also work nights so it was going to happen anyway. So I stand by what we did. I will night wean my next one at 10 ish months again if they are similar. DS breastfed during the day until 18 months as well, so I’m confident it didn’t effect our breastfeeding journey.

No. He's 9 and gorgeous. Took 1 night of shush-pat, where you leave incrementally longer gaps. Before that he was waking every 45 mins, falling asleep in my arms, waking and crying every time I put him down. It was desperate.

He was a brilliant sleeper after that. The baby monitor meant we knew when he was properly needing us, not just grizzling.

He did though find his thumb, having refused dummies. I think this had an insta-soothing effect. He sucked his thumb at night for a couple of years after that. Dentist says he can't tell.

Sleep deprivation is hell. Wishing you the best of luck.

Yes with my first at about 9 months The lack of sleep was making me insane. I was probably unfit to drive and was back at work making silly mistakes.

It only took a few nights - a gentle approach. Seems to have had no effect on him at all. He was a lovely child and is now a lovely 26 year old man.

I didn't do it with my younger two because I think I was used to the lack of sleep by then. But I did get rid of the soother/dummy for both of them at a few months old and they slept better as a result.

I do think cry it out is damaging and there is plenty research to back that up but I also think there are kinder ways to encourage sleep and self settling which are fine.
anecdotally my ex was a cry it out baby, he’s chronically depressed and a drug addict.

Oh OP I was in exactly your position 3 weeks ago. My DS is a little older but his sleep is just how you describe. We followed the Just Chill Mama course and it took one night. One night of him being upset - I never left him, I was there to comfort him - and he learnt to get himself comfy and put himself to sleep. He now wakes twice a night for a feed and goes straight back to sleep. He's a million times happier and so am I. His development has leapt since and I don't think it's a coincidence. I sobbed the night before we started worrying I was going to damage him but he's so much happier. Previously he'd get so upset in the night (throwing himself round screaming) because he was so tired. Now there are no (and I mean no) tears at night. When he wakes up he shouts me but never cries. He's a tummy sleeper now and it's so obvious now that he just needed to find the right sleep position for him.

Thank you for your post. I have managed my expectations to be honest, I'm not expecting her to sleep through the night. But by 8pm tonight my DD had already woken twice and I expect will awake again shortly. Last night my DH tried to get her to sleep for an entire hour between 10pm and 11pm. We both tried an entire hour again between 2am and 3am and she woke up again at 3.15. I would kill for only 2 to 3 night wakings.

My DD is ratty and rubs her eyes constantly until her first nap. She is so tired.

It sounds like you definitely made the right decision for you and your family and that you took a very gentle approach. Sorry you have been singled out when you were posting to help me!

I haven't done it; I'm not against it if you need to do it but I also couldn't bare to hear my baby cry out for me and me not go and see her! She is 22m- never slept through. Wakes sometimes 1-2 hourly. Sometimes she may sleep 2.5hr before waking and crying for me. I am exhausted. Utterly sleep deprived. But that is my choice. I just know she will sleep one day! Still breastfeeding all day and night too. Sahm though so I don't have to go to work etc.

Mine are now 19 and 16 - confident, well adjusted, independent and sociable. CIO was well worth it, no regrets.

No. He is 5 months now but we've pretty much sleep trained from birth and he started sleeping through at 8 weeks.

I have a happy, healthy baby who I can pop into his cot awake after his bedtime/nap routine and go straight to sleep, as well as sleeping 7-7.

I think I might send this thread to my friends who are pregnant. Such a bloody lovely thing to read, knowing that you getting sleep doesn’t negatively affect your baby. I WISH I’d been able to read this when Dd was little. Would have entirely saved my sanity!

I did it with a woman called Sarah carpenter. Gentle and baby led but he sleeps through the night now. I love her

🤣😂 @HippeePrincess Your ex is not a drug addicted waster due to sleep training. Even if we wanted to blame adult behaviour on their parenting you could pick any one of a million parent/child interactions to highlight! Healthy attachment is formed by regular, loving responsive parenting. It can’t be broken by a couple of hours of crying during infancy.

For the record, my mum sleep trained me and we’re very close (I’m 40) and very well adjusted and happy as an adult.

Same for me. I couldn’t cope with the sleep deprivation. Looking back, I drove around and now realise I would not have been at all safe doing so. I couldn’t even string proper sentences together half the time. I went to the HV for help because I couldn’t manage and to the doctors for blood tests because I thought I was ill. It was all extreme tiredness.

My children are now starting secondary and confident, kind, hard working etc. It took no time at all to work. Once I did it with my eldest, she then started having proper naps too instead of her 20-30mins and it all improved vastly.

I have friends who don’t believe in it at all but whose 9/10 year old still struggles to sleep and another who is permanently shattered with a 2 and 6 year old who wake constantly. There was no way I could function with 2 children and working if it continued.

I think this may have just been more than cio.

My middle child was a cry it out. I discovered it one night when I was poorly. Realised he'd crashed after a few minutes of me being stuck to the toilet throwing up. Within 3 days he slept through. He's now a healthy, confident 11yo!

I think many, many of us would have been ‘cry it out babies’ in the 80s/70s etc but are definitely not drug addicts or similar.

Yes, didn't do cio but I did get to the point where it was just ridiculous and I'd had enough of constant night waking. Wish I'd done it earlier with all of them! (I never learn)

They were much happier once they had better night's sleep as well, it's so important I think to development that they have a healthy sleep pattern. I felt bad that I'd let it go on so long with my eldest

Mine are 28, 20 , 12 and 10 and not damaged in any way