Page 2 | What does crying it out actually mean practically?

LittleMG · 2023-01-17T21:44:12+00:00

Hi everyone, yes we’re having to cry it out. I can’t do it anymore. It’s so awful my little boy doesn’t understand why I won’t do what he wants. how long will this take? hours days? how many times a night will I have to sit here like this?? Ive done some research and I’m in the room with him I can’t just shut the door on him. But no one says practically how long he’ll be able to cry for all night?? HELP XX

pebbles3004 · 18/01/2023 10:00

WellRested · 18/01/2023 09:17

Honestly people are ridiculous, as a PP has said, keep it consistent, soothing but boring! For some gradual retreat works better (you being in room to begin with) for some not being in the room works better as you aren't a distraction. Mine got restless if I was in the room, if I left, asleep in 2 mins, no crying.

I never understand the crazy reaction to this, it's not just closing the door and leaving the baby for hours screaming, you check on them at frequent intervals so they do 'know you are coming back' but they know that when you do come back it's just for a quick bumpat and a 'its bedtime sweetie, night night' rather than a full song and dance breastfeed, self flagellation entertaining performance.

They then realise that bedtime is for sleeping not playing/eating and get bored and fall asleep, then when they wake up in the night they know it's fine to go back to sleep.

It's like dropping a kid off at childcare, people who work in childcare know that 9 times out of 10 once the parent is out of sight out of mind the child stops being upset and that long protracted goodbyes and rituals make it worse. If you applied the same insane response to childcare drop off as people do to sleep training you would just have nurseries full of parents hovering next to screaming children (and frustrated childcare workers just wishing they would all fuck off so they could get on with their day)

People act as if their kids don't cry EVER if they avoid sleep training, it's BS there is no such thing as a child that doesn't cry at some point, if they cried and tantrummed for 20 mins over a chocolate biscuit would you give in to them if you had already said no? If not then by this logic surely that's 'child abuse' too, 'I could NEVER leave my child crying without a chocolate biscuit, those poor kids in Romanian orphanages were silent as they weren't given chocolate biscuits the second they asked for one.' Give me a break.

OP you do you, would recommend properly following a set system and being boring rather than being inconsistent and making it up as you go along. They shouldn't be getting to the point where they are sick, I think your presence in the room is probably making it worse rather than better, good luck and don't let the crazies let you feel bad, thousands of parents do this and very quickly end up with well rested children, they are well rested and get quality of life back, rather than being cling-martyrs who can only make themselves feel better about their chronic sleep deprivation by shouting at people on the internet!

All. Of. This.

TodaysFishIsTroutALaCreme · 18/01/2023 12:09

A million times what WellRested said.

Rockschooldropout · 18/01/2023 12:19

When you are utterly sleep deprived you’ll try anyway .. it’s absolutely exhausting but Please don’t leave him to cry so much he is sick 😟…The idea is for your child to know that you are coming back .. but that you are not getting them out of their bed/cot . You can go in and quickly soothe but don’t pick him out of his cot . How old is he ?

MissyB1 · 18/01/2023 12:24

I prefer to call it controlled crying and I’m guessing that’s what OP meant. You pop in every few minutes for reassurance but don’t get them out of the cot. Hard the first couple of nights but definitely pays dividends!

QuertyGirl · 18/01/2023 12:30

Leaving a baby to cry till they're sick is a massive choking risk, surely?

Got to be a huge SIDS risk to this.

inappropriateraspberry · 18/01/2023 12:31

I did it with both of mine. It takes patience, and a few minutes can feel like hours when they're crying, but it does work.
It took a few nights of going in and out, but they did start settling better and are now good sleepers in general. They are very well rounded children, with no issues regarding it.
Please don't just leave your baby to cry and cry. It has to be a staggered response, leaving them for longer each time. CIO isn't just leaving them in bed alone and not tending to them at all.

inappropriateraspberry · 18/01/2023 12:32

I recommend using a timer on your phone so you can understand how long it has been vs how long it feels!

QuertyGirl · 18/01/2023 12:33

How old is this baby?

solomumbychoice · 18/01/2023 15:01

Crying it out - to answer your question - does mean leaving them to fry themselves to sleep. Controlled crying is kinder where you go back in, usually in increased intervals. Ferber is one method of controlled crying. Sometimes it's harder for the LO if you keep going back in but we believe it's better for them to know you Wed coming back and they aren't abandoned. Every baby is different so once you have decided you are going to do it, you should find an approach and stick to it, it's hard, but monitor the baby closely to see if it's making a difference, otherwise change approach.

Matleavemummy · 18/01/2023 15:22

QuertyGirl · 18/01/2023 12:30

Leaving a baby to cry till they're sick is a massive choking risk, surely?

Got to be a huge SIDS risk to this.

oh for heavens sake.

no.

would you avoid a motorway journey incase your kid starts crying and you can’t immediately stop and pull over? No.

obviously you never plan for your child to get sick. Letting your child cry in bed is not a SIDS risk.

RedHelenB · 18/01/2023 15:59

Blufelt · 18/01/2023 00:50

You need to let your child cry for long enough to realise he’s been abandoned and nobody is coming. As long as he thinks you might respond to his cries with love and attention he’ll keep crying. When he finally gets the message he’s on his own then he’ll go quiet. Romanian orphanages were renowned for being silent, the babies didn’t cry because they knew nobody would come.

That is a ridiculous statement.

BabyOnBoard90 · 18/01/2023 16:46

WellRested · 18/01/2023 09:17

Honestly people are ridiculous, as a PP has said, keep it consistent, soothing but boring! For some gradual retreat works better (you being in room to begin with) for some not being in the room works better as you aren't a distraction. Mine got restless if I was in the room, if I left, asleep in 2 mins, no crying.

I never understand the crazy reaction to this, it's not just closing the door and leaving the baby for hours screaming, you check on them at frequent intervals so they do 'know you are coming back' but they know that when you do come back it's just for a quick bumpat and a 'its bedtime sweetie, night night' rather than a full song and dance breastfeed, self flagellation entertaining performance.

They then realise that bedtime is for sleeping not playing/eating and get bored and fall asleep, then when they wake up in the night they know it's fine to go back to sleep.

It's like dropping a kid off at childcare, people who work in childcare know that 9 times out of 10 once the parent is out of sight out of mind the child stops being upset and that long protracted goodbyes and rituals make it worse. If you applied the same insane response to childcare drop off as people do to sleep training you would just have nurseries full of parents hovering next to screaming children (and frustrated childcare workers just wishing they would all fuck off so they could get on with their day)

People act as if their kids don't cry EVER if they avoid sleep training, it's BS there is no such thing as a child that doesn't cry at some point, if they cried and tantrummed for 20 mins over a chocolate biscuit would you give in to them if you had already said no? If not then by this logic surely that's 'child abuse' too, 'I could NEVER leave my child crying without a chocolate biscuit, those poor kids in Romanian orphanages were silent as they weren't given chocolate biscuits the second they asked for one.' Give me a break.

OP you do you, would recommend properly following a set system and being boring rather than being inconsistent and making it up as you go along. They shouldn't be getting to the point where they are sick, I think your presence in the room is probably making it worse rather than better, good luck and don't let the crazies let you feel bad, thousands of parents do this and very quickly end up with well rested children, they are well rested and get quality of life back, rather than being cling-martyrs who can only make themselves feel better about their chronic sleep deprivation by shouting at people on the internet!

This is a perfect post that should be automatically reposted on every sleep training thread!

MissWings · 18/01/2023 16:49

I did CIO when I was a young and informed mum. I regret it, it’s not healthy at all in terms of attachment. I wish I had listened to others on the forums instead of thinking they were a bit wet behind the ears.

MissWings · 18/01/2023 16:49

*uninformed rather

DifficultBloodyWoman · 18/01/2023 22:00

BabyOnBoard90 · 18/01/2023 16:46

This is a perfect post that should be automatically reposted on every sleep training thread!

Show quote history

Yes to both posts!

Forgooodnesssakenow · 19/01/2023 06:06

Leaving a child to cry solidly for an hour, so upset they vomit is definitely not right.

People I know who have successfully done sleep training have had the type of babeis who would cry for a few minutes then put themselves to sleep. My eldest was a scream until you vomit baby and no way would I have put us both through that.

There has to be a better way surely? How old is this baby? Developmentally capable of putting themselves to sleep? How bad is their sleep? How much if a problem is it causing YOU? I think a lot of people resort to cio because of some kind of societal pressure to have a baby sleep through rather than just their own exhaustion.

I wouldn't continue with this given how your child has reacted.

MickeyMouseShithouse · 19/01/2023 06:21

CIO I trialled with my firsts baby after we couldn’t get out of the ‘rocking to sleep’ phase.

It had a massive negative impact, I regret it every single day of my life. She would be hyperventilating and throwing up from screaming and crying after only 1-2 minutes, then it turned into such a massive chore at bedtime, she would be terrified to go to bed, she would start hysterically crying if I even looked at the door or if she thought I was going to. It was awful, we could have never, ever have made it last 5 minutes of crying.

In my opinion, after my experience CIO is just teaching your baby that the one person they live and trust most won’t come when they’re upset and need comforting - and that why they stop crying, because they know no one will come.

My 10 month old son is just going through a slightly clingy stage and doesn’t like to just go to sleep by himself anymore, so I comfort him, put him down, stay a minute or two and then walk out of the room and come back in after a few seconds, to teach him although he can’t see me, I am always there. I repeat this and gradually leave it slightly longer and longer until he’s probably bored of watching me walk in and out and goes to sleep 😂

please don’t use CIO, babys cry because that’s how they communicate; it’s tough.. but there are much better ways of getting them to sleep better than having to listen to them cry for you until they’re exhausted.

MickeyMouseShithouse · 19/01/2023 06:25

R.e people who are trying to justify CIO by naming it ‘controlled crying’ - a crying baby is never comforted by a simple “look at me I’m here” for 5 seconds then leaving the room again. It’s ridiculous.

Stop trying to justify neglecting your childrens needs.

namechangeforthisbleep · 19/01/2023 06:34

Took an hour for us before they gave in. Then again night two and that was it

EthicalNonMahogany · 19/01/2023 06:34

A baby isn't, but a toddler is - 10 months is a bit early but 18m is fine IMHO.

Original poster

LittleMG · 19/01/2023 10:28

I wish people would read the updates, I was with him, taking to him but not picking him up. Thanks to the helpful posts x

OP posts:

Forgooodnesssakenow · 19/01/2023 10:40

LittleMG · 19/01/2023 10:28

I wish people would read the updates, I was with him, taking to him but not picking him up. Thanks to the helpful posts x

He's used to you picking him up to comfort him, imagine you're upset, you reach out to the person you love for a hug and they sit looking at you not responding.

SalviaOfficinalis · 19/01/2023 10:50

OP, I find my DS gets much more annoyed and angry if I stay with him and don’t pick him up. And the point is that they need to fall asleep in the conditions that they’ll be sleeping in.

So if you are there when he falls asleep, when he stirs in the night and you’re not there, he’ll wake up fully instead of rolling over and going back to sleep.

So when we did sleep training I found it best to leave the room. “Night night, go to sleep, I’ll come back in a few minutes”.

Then come back and comfort/settle briefly after 2 mins, then 3 mins, then 5 mins, then every 5 mins.

If he sounded like he was settling near to the time I was due to go back i’d leave it longer to give him a chance.

Best thing I ever did. Much less crying in the long run.

LiteralSycamore · 19/01/2023 10:55

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It’s one of the main memories I have of my early childhood — crying at night, and no one ever coming. It’s come up a lot in therapy.

snowflake29 · 19/01/2023 10:55

OP please don't let the sleep police make you feel like a bad mother.. YOU ARE NOT.

I did controlled crying with mine, it might work better for you to actually leave the room but come back at regular intervals to soothe your baby. Mine got more enraged at me being nearby where he could see me.

I put him in the cot after a cuddle, white noise on, said "night night sleepytime" and left. Went back in after 1 minute of crying, stroked face and said "ssshh sleepytime" and left again, then left for 2 mins, then 4, then 5 etc. baby would stop crying when I went in so wasn't continuous crying and mine was never ever sick.

First night he was crying on and off for 45 mins, 2nd night 20 mins and 3rd night 5 mins then after that self settled for all naps and night sleep. Still woke in the night but I just repeated the same process and he settled very quickly.