3.5 year old running into our room all night

[Teaandbiscuits16]

DS is 3.5 and we took the sides off his bed about 6 months ago. It was smooth sailing until about 6 weeks in and ever since he’s come into our room every night without fail at least twice a night, sometimes up to 6 times a night with all kinds of “reasons” as to why he’s up. It’s getting worse and for the last 4 nights he’s come bursting in screaming and crying (we think he’s had bad dreams) and will NOT go back to his room. Last night he was up from 1-5am.

We’ve tried everything that has been suggested so far (except locks on doors as it’s not our style) or a stair gate as he’ll either scream and scream waking his 17 month old sister or climb over it and hurt himself.

We’ve tried walking him back to bed calmly and quietly, being firmer, letting him choose another teddy to take to bed, talking to him about his dreams and reassuring him, bringing his mattress into our room, letting him sleep in our bed but he can’t settle and fidgets too much.

We’re at a loss of what else we can do. He simply will not stay in his room for more than 10 seconds when we take him back. He settles fine at bed time and doesn’t nap anymore so it’s not a timing issue in my opinion. He also sleeps with his door open and has a nightlight in his room.

I’m broken from months from sleepless nights.

I'd do the inflatable bed as suggested by a few posters. Ds is a similar age and he just climbs into bed between me and dh, and just goes back to sleep, no chat, no fuss, just climbs over dh and snuggles between us.
He claimed monsters before we moved house every night, so we invented a monster hunter who he could call to get rid of any monsters he claimed were there, worked a treat.

My DS is 3.5 and doing this at the moment. My fave excuse so far being that he can’t sleep in his room because he’s too tired :/
DD now 6 went through the same at that age and now she sleeps all night in her own bed so at least this time round I have a reminder that it won’t last for ever. With DD we tried all sorts of things. With DS we quickly accepted defeat and work on the mantra of ‘whatever works for everyone to get the maximum amount of sleep’. Sometimes that means DS in bed with me and DH in DS’s bed, sometimes that means letting DS sit up with us until we go to bed, sometimes we sleep in his bed with him. I know this lack of consistency goes against the perceived wisdom but we went a bit nutty with DD trying to be consistent, gentle cry it out, reward systems etc so this ‘take it as it comes approach seems to work better for us this time round….

I have made a 'Hey Duggee' sleeping badge chart for our 3.5yr old. He gets his sleeping badge if he stays in bed and doesn't come out until his Gro Owl says it's morning. We usually give him one chance if he shouts us in the night (knows not to come out of his room) but tell him if it happens again he won't get his badge. On a Sunday he gets to swap his badge for a treat. 5 badges for a film, 1 for a hit chocolate or milkshake and 1 for a biscuit or chocolate. We have been doing this for about 6 months and he still likes to make sure he gets all 7 badges a week so he can watch a film and have treats on a Sunday. He goes to bed on his own after a story and a cuddle and kiss and doesn't come into our room until his owl wakes up at 7.45 in the morning!

Forgot to add - I build a pillow wall between me and DS when he’s in our bed to prevent the clinging to my back whilst sleeping (wait till they’ve fallen asleep otherwise you will inadvertently start a game of den building at 3am) I knew there was a reason I bought all the fancy throw cushions for my bed ;)

@Retrorose The last few nights his wake ups have been getting earlier and he was awake from 9:30-11:30pm last night. I actually don’t mind if we only go to the point where he woke around 2/3am and quietly came into our bed. If that’s what he needs, fine. But to now be waking crying, shouting, refusing to be in his room in the evening it’s too much. I refuse to let him in our bed before I’ve even gone to bed myself. I’ve done the baby stage of creeping around my bedroom in pitch black getting ready for bed so as not to disturb the baby sleeping in the crib, I can’t do that with a 3.5 year old.
Last night he started saying he was scared of his mirror in his room (doesn’t have one), scared of his Tonies box (that was downstairs), wanted his Gro clock (it was out right in front of him). I’m beyond frustrated now.

Depends what you're willing to tolerate and sacrifice, I suppose. For us, one parent sleeping in the same room as DS was a sacrifice we were willing to make for our sanity. He started sleeping happily by himself aged 6, but of course this could be different depending on the child.

@w0rkschmurk The last few nights we’ve dragged his mattress on to our floor around 1am when he’s woken and won’t go back to his room. He’s slept perfectly there and we’ve had more sleep too. He clearly needs some reassurance and comfort and although it’s not ideal and I’d much rather he was in his room so I’m not creeping around early morning getting ready for the dog walk before work I think we have to accept it for now.

I've name changed

Our DS has oddly been the same, been up more in the evening screaming and shouting. Last night he strangled and hit me when I tried to put him back. He turns into a horrible monster and nothing can calm him down. We've had 4 nights of Supernanny rapid return approach and it has got no better at all. I have to drive all week for work this week and I'm worried about the safety of it.

I'm glad to hear you're all getting more sleep! Sometimes survival is all we can focus on for a time 😁

I used to walk ours back to his bed and lie beside him until he fell asleep. I often drifted off to sleep too but when I woke up, I inched myself off the mattress and back to bed.
There was minimal talking , and he wasn't actually angling to sleep in our bed or wanting to play.

Did you feel his feet when he said they were cold? Maybe put a small blanket on top of the bedding, just in case, or leave his socks on and see if he sleeps better.

@Wallowingwendy We also tried several nights of the rapid return, resulted in a lot of tantrums, upset and took 3-4 hours each time and he only fell back asleep as he was absolutely exhausted. I wasn’t prepared to do any more than 3 nights of that as I was on my knees with tiredness.
Is there any way he can sleep on a little bed on your floor for the time being to allow you all some rest?

@w0rkschmurk This is it. It’s really not the solution I’m after but frankly I’m a better parent when I’m getting sleep.

He’s at least going in his bed at bedtime until around 1am now and then sleeps until 7am in our room. A lot later than he’s been sleeping recently!

My DS used to be like this and then my DD.

I used good old fashioned bribery. I got a posh box and filled it with 'gifts'. Nothing expensive, think stickers, felt tips, bouncy balls etc etc.

Every time they stayed in their room they got to choose a present in the morning.

Worked like a charm but probably not going to win me parent of the year

If the mattress on the floor is working, op, then by all means continue! Sometimes we just need to do what works in the moment

@HaggisWurst It kind of island isn’t. He’s coming in earlier and earlier. Last night was 11pm and I was still reading in bed so I really don’t want him in our room when I’m still awake 🤦‍♀️

Put back method works but you have to be consistent. Don’t talk to them or make eye contact, even when they tantrum.

Same thing here with my daughter the same age. Bought a bigger bed and let her come in.....as long as we are all getting decent sleep I'm ok with this!

It's he in a small bed or a single? DS went into a full single at 3. He fidgets a lot and was waking himself up bumping the sides etc in his toddler bed.
He went straight into a full single mid sleeper, so it has sides on it. There was also huge novelty about climbing a ladder into bed. He didn't reliably sleep through until then. He also used to get a marble in his marble jar for staying in his own bed until the sun on his groclock comes up.

We did have a short period recently (he's 4) where he was waking upset and saying he'd had bad dreams. We're very dismissive of ghosts, monsters etc generally and tell him they're not real they're only in stories, none of this checking under the bed for them etc. To the extent he told his older cousin at Christmas that monsters are not real so you don't have to be scared of them. We also got a little sun catcher kit from hobby craft, painted it together with him and hung it in the window of his bedroom as a bad dream catcher.
The groclock you can turn the face light right down or off.
We've gone from the child who was never in his own bed all night until nearly 3, to last night he told me he was tired so would be staying in bed later in the morning, and he's still asleep now, having gone to bed at seven last night and was definitely fast asleep by 7:30pm when I checked on him!

I had an air mattress in my kids room when they went through this phase and it worked for us. Started off going to bed with them. Then moved to going in there when I wanted to go to bed. Then only going in there once they woke. Then only staying in there until they fell back asleep. Made them feel secure in their bed and I was gradually able to stop doing it.

@RewildingAmbridge He’s in his cot bed still with the side off. We know he doesn’t have much longer left in that as although the weight limit is fine he’s quite tall. I’ve shown him photos of new beds and asked if he’d like one and he got all panicked saying “no, I don’t want a new bed”.
His Gro clock used to work as he went through a stage of pre-6am wakes at 2 but a month or so after taking the sides of his bed he didn’t pay a blind bit of attention to it and because he wasn’t coming into us until about 6:45am and his clock was set up 7am we ended up explaining it was OK to be up as long as he was quiet. If it was any earlier than that I’d take him back to bed though and he’d stay there.
We just can’t get him to understand that he’s safe in his room. Although he’s been coming into our room for months in the night he always used to settle back in his bed but this one nightmare a couple of weeks ago seems to have made him insecure and anxious.

@LionsandLambs How long do
you try for though? We tried for 3 consecutive nights and each time he was up from around 1am-5am when he eventually just exhausted himself. It genuinely showed no signs of working.

We are now back to just waking every 2 hours and going back to sleep with no screaming in his bed if we stay and comfort him for 20 mins but I'm on my knees with it

@Wallowingwendy So sorry to hear this. It is truly awful and quite naively I thought we were out of the woods with sleep issues at this age.
Everyone says it’s a phase and it’ll stop which I know but also when it impacts your daily life so much it’s almost impossible to function. Work has certainly felt incredibly difficult this week and left me feeling so rundown.

This. It absolutely does work but it takes time.

If he gets out of bed a hundred times, a hundred times you simply take him back with not a word. No hugs, no reassurance, no telling him his bedroom is safe. You just take him back to bed. It may take a few nights, it may take a week, it may take longer.

All you’re doing at the moment is giving in. I know it’s misery. You tried for three nights and then you caved in. He knows it. He knows that if he keeps on then at some point you will give in. You have to be persistent and at some point it will just click with him and he’ll realise it’s not getting him anywhere.

Yes, you may have a week of terrible nights, but so you’re having months of terrible nights.

@Remona Where we really struggled with it was not just the hours it took but that he got to the point of standing still on the landing and not even going back into his room so unless we pick him up, which results in his screaming, he just won’t even consider getting back into bed. It’s so hard. I expected it to be hard when we tried it but everything I’d read didn’t seem to have any suggestions to what to do when they start screaming and refusing to get into bed.

So you pick him up, screaming or not, and put him into bed. He’ll get out again. You pick him up and put him back in. Over and over. No interaction whatsoever. You speak or respond in any way then you’re rewarding him.

I think the bed guards would be helpful. I know you’ve said he doesn’t want them, but you’re the adults here. You’re allowing him to have a say in these decisions. This is non-negotiable. He doesn’t get to decide when and where he goes to bed, you do. Don’t try to reason with him, he’s a toddler.

I understand it’s awful. The crying and screaming is heartbreaking. We had it. Took I think 5 nights and that was it. Slept through every single night from that day onwards. We couldn’t believe we hadn’t done it sooner.