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Original poster

3.5 year old running into our room all night

77 replies

Teaandbiscuits16 · 28/12/2022 18:44

DS is 3.5 and we took the sides off his bed about 6 months ago. It was smooth sailing until about 6 weeks in and ever since he’s come into our room every night without fail at least twice a night, sometimes up to 6 times a night with all kinds of “reasons” as to why he’s up. It’s getting worse and for the last 4 nights he’s come bursting in screaming and crying (we think he’s had bad dreams) and will NOT go back to his room. Last night he was up from 1-5am.

We’ve tried everything that has been suggested so far (except locks on doors as it’s not our style) or a stair gate as he’ll either scream and scream waking his 17 month old sister or climb over it and hurt himself.

We’ve tried walking him back to bed calmly and quietly, being firmer, letting him choose another teddy to take to bed, talking to him about his dreams and reassuring him, bringing his mattress into our room, letting him sleep in our bed but he can’t settle and fidgets too much.

We’re at a loss of what else we can do. He simply will not stay in his room for more than 10 seconds when we take him back. He settles fine at bed time and doesn’t nap anymore so it’s not a timing issue in my opinion. He also sleeps with his door open and has a nightlight in his room.

I’m broken from months from sleepless nights.

OP posts:
WeWereInParis · 29/12/2022 18:44

We had a pack of smarties and DD got one in the morning if she stayed in bed all night. We also got her a gro clock so she knew when it was time to come through.

allboysherebutme · 29/12/2022 19:01

I'd put a stair gate at the door and when he cries just go in and put him back to bed, I wouldn't even talk to him a few weeks of this he will soon get fed up. X

Caspianberg · 29/12/2022 19:30

@allboysherebutme - I’m sure most 3.5 year olds can open or climb a baby gate. My 2 year old has been for ages. Most baby gates actually are for babies and say 0-24 months on them.

w0rkschmurk · 29/12/2022 19:39

Could you/your partner share a room with him until he feels comfortable sleeping on his own?

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits16 · 29/12/2022 19:42

@BoobsOnTheMoon We’ve tried that too. He knows we’re not happy about it. We’re going to continue with it though as I’m not putting up with being disturbed all night every single night. There’s only so much gentle parenting to be done after being awake with a child who simply won’t go back to bed for 4 hours. I’m also poorly now too so I’ve been saying that I really need lots of sleep to help me feel better.

@LouLou198 That’s so interesting! Could be worth a go.

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Clarabellawilliamson · 29/12/2022 19:43

Definitely worth a reward/ bribe if he stays in bed all night! For mine it had to be quite high. Alice for it to be worth it- so we started with a kinder egg. It didn't take long at those levels of bribe!

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits16 · 29/12/2022 19:46

@WeWereInParis We’re considering the bribery route. We’ve just ordered a magnet reward chart to try too.
We also wrote up some nighttime rules with colourful pens this evening that he helped come up with. He even came up with the first one “Don’t wake anybody up” himself!
@allboysherebutme Thought about it but he’ll either scream his head off and/or scale it and possibly hurt himself.
@w0rkschmurk I’m more open to this than DH. He’s convinced that if we take that approach we’ll end up doing it for years which I understand as I know some people in that situation, my brother being one of them! But equally if it helps everyone sleep surely it’s worth a go and then when he’s a little older he may decide sleeping with mummy isn’t for him anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teaandbiscuits16 · 29/12/2022 19:47

@Clarabellawilliamson Mine would be the same! Why can I see this becoming expensive?!! 😂

OP posts:
CharlotteStreetW1 · 29/12/2022 19:49

BoobsOnTheMoon · 29/12/2022 16:59

In the nicest possible way, have you tried being a bit cross about it with him?

I remember a phase of coming downstairs after my bedtime when I was 3/4 (was before my sibling was born so I can't have been more than just turned 4) saying I felt sick. The first time, I got sympathy and some cherries that the grown ups were eating. The second time, sympathy and some toast. The third time, sympathy and to watch TV for a while with the grown ups.

After a few nights they started ignoring me and telling me kindly that it was bedtime and that I needed to go back to bed now please.

I don't remember how long it continued but I do remember being most put out the night my mum met me on the stairs and told me it was absolutely bedtime and that I wasn't allowed to come back downstairs unless there was an actual emergency. She took me back upstairs and was visibly (mildly) annoyed. I didn't do it again.

Obviously this may not work, but I can't tell from your posts if you've actually tried being, basically, cross about it. Telling him in no uncertain terms that it's bedtime, sleeptime, that you need sleep to and that he is not allowed to keep waking you up for no reason. I don't mean being unkind or shouting, but you don't have to take this disturbance with a beatific smile if you have had enough! You could team this approach with a little bed on your floor with the condition that he may get in and sleep there without disturbing you but that if he disturbs you, it's back to his bed in stony silence.

Or just put the sides back on his bed. That sounds like it would work.

Me too. In fact as soon as my mum got wind that I was on the move, she would just say very firmly "BED" and back I'd go.

(Mine was because we had a very social house with lots of visitors and laughter and I had a bad case of FOMO 😊)

tealandteal · 29/12/2022 19:55

For us bribery was the only way. It had to be quite a high stakes reward, so it was an expensive week but I cut the reward value down over a few days. The reward was for staying in bed all night. I think the first night was a Thomas toy or magazine. DS is 5 now but have recently found a starlight projector thing helpful to stop him getting up at bedtime.

Swapshopped · 29/12/2022 19:57

Exhausted, frazzled and insomniac mummy of a 3.5 year old here too. Same story. She’s never been a sleeper. So different to her siblings. It’s exhausting…

Lauram82 · 29/12/2022 20:00

Buy him his big boy bed (if you can afford to now), a proper single bed and work on the idea that big boys sleep in their own bed and don’t get up in the night. At least if he still gets up in the night you or your partner can quickly swap beds with him and hopefully everyone will be quickly back to sleep. Sleep deprivation is the devil and as a mum of 4 anything is an option to make sure we all sleep well 😆

mattresspring · 29/12/2022 20:09

This is when I started co sleeping with my youngest through absolute exhaustion

allboysherebutme · 29/12/2022 22:45

@Caspianberg well I have stair gates and a lot of adults can't open them.

AhhSlippedOnMahBeansRitaaa · 29/12/2022 23:07

I have a stair gate that most adults can't open but my 3 year old tries to climb it gets a foot over, it wobbles, his foot catches an he catapults himself face first nearly breaking his neck! Baby gates are not good at containing toddlers.
Mine gets in with me every single night he's nearly 4 now but I don't think he's ever slept all night in his bed without incident. He didn't sleep 6 hours in a row before he was 2 and I tried absolutely everything.

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits16 · 30/12/2022 10:57

@AhhSlippedOnMahBeansRitaaa Yep, mine wouldn’t be able to open it but would try to climb over and hurt himself so not an option for us either.
Mine was a very good sleeper from 12 months, had a blip for a few weeks around 2 and was great other than when poorly until a couple of months after his 3rd birthday. Up until the last week he’d come into our room several times but I could put him back to bed but now he won’t go to bed and says he’s scared but won’t tell me what he’s scared of 🙄

OP posts:
Fathercrossmas · 30/12/2022 11:16

I think we are going to do chocolate bribery as he didn't have half of his advent calendar. I like the list of rules too.

omnishambles · 30/12/2022 11:21

It was a long time ago but when dd woke up like this dh would sleep on her floor rather than having dd in with us. I then got more sleep and dd gradually learned that her own room wasn't frightening.

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits16 · 30/12/2022 19:21

Bedtimes are getting worse. I can sit on his floor for over an hour, he’ll fall asleep but within minutes of me leaving he’s awake again. Frankly I’m not prepared to do that as working all day means those 2 hours before I go to bed are precious. This is so much worse now he can get out of bed rather than being in a cot.

OP posts:
irbeagb88 · 30/12/2022 19:33

How come you are sitting in his room and waiting for him to go to sleep?

It sounds to me as if you've tried so many different things, he almost doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

You need to keep taking him back to his room. In silence. You may do it 500 times the first night but eventually he'll get the message. You'll probably have to put up with the screaming for a while because he's learnt to escalate it to that level so that you give in.

20viona · 30/12/2022 19:37

My daughter is the same age. I absolutely refuse to sit in her room for longer than 2 mins. She knows this, I turn the light off and sit by the door and then leave. She knows I aren't going back, just try and stick with it.

miltonj · 30/12/2022 19:40

JennyForeigner · 28/12/2022 19:03

Yeah, our 3.5 year old is exactly the same, except his reason is 'monsters and ghosts'. He doesn't seem to know what they are exactly, but someone has mentioned monsters and ghosts to him.

It's incredibly annoying, as he then insists on sleeping wrapped around my head like a hat.

That's incredibly cute. But also very annoying for you Blush

dancemom · 30/12/2022 19:53

Yes I'd do the Supernanny back to bed technique. Might take 100+ times but it will eventually work

HS1990 · 30/12/2022 19:55

The put back method worked.for my dad when my younger brother did this. You just have to be consistent.

Make a YouTube playlist of his favourite stories. My daughter loves.Dear Zoo, tiger who came to tea, ten Little princesses, hungry caterpillar. You can find so many readers. She listens every night and falls asleep herself.

CottonSock · 30/12/2022 20:00

Have you tried a tall stairgate?

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