3.5 year old running into our room all night

[Teaandbiscuits16]

DS is 3.5 and we took the sides off his bed about 6 months ago. It was smooth sailing until about 6 weeks in and ever since he’s come into our room every night without fail at least twice a night, sometimes up to 6 times a night with all kinds of “reasons” as to why he’s up. It’s getting worse and for the last 4 nights he’s come bursting in screaming and crying (we think he’s had bad dreams) and will NOT go back to his room. Last night he was up from 1-5am.

We’ve tried everything that has been suggested so far (except locks on doors as it’s not our style) or a stair gate as he’ll either scream and scream waking his 17 month old sister or climb over it and hurt himself.

We’ve tried walking him back to bed calmly and quietly, being firmer, letting him choose another teddy to take to bed, talking to him about his dreams and reassuring him, bringing his mattress into our room, letting him sleep in our bed but he can’t settle and fidgets too much.

We’re at a loss of what else we can do. He simply will not stay in his room for more than 10 seconds when we take him back. He settles fine at bed time and doesn’t nap anymore so it’s not a timing issue in my opinion. He also sleeps with his door open and has a nightlight in his room.

I’m broken from months from sleepless nights.

No advice but you are not alone, my 3.5yo has started doing this also after sleeping through since they were 6 months old! Some of the most recent “reasons” include:
-they have a sore lip
-the room is dark (no shit!)
-their feet are cold
-they’ve run out of water (they hadn’t)
plus the usual stuff like I had a bad dream. I am hoping it is a phase! We had a marginal improvement when we introduced a night light and sticker chart but it’s slipped back when I tried to phase the sticker chart out so I think I’ll have to try again.

Yeah, our 3.5 year old is exactly the same, except his reason is 'monsters and ghosts'. He doesn't seem to know what they are exactly, but someone has mentioned monsters and ghosts to him.

It's incredibly annoying, as he then insists on sleeping wrapped around my head like a hat.

Have you tried a reward system for staying in his bed? Eg a chocolate button at breakfast time.
Or a single mattress in his room for you or DH and nip it in the bud when he gets up.
It could just be a habit he has got into.
No sleep is torture.

Honestly? I would tie the door shut. That's what my parents did to me when I went through this phase, it took 3 nights and I'm relatively unscathed. I also sleep very well.

We went through a few phases of letting them climb in with us, and then moved on to having their own little cosy bed on the floor that they could come to if they wanted company.
I was just too tired to do anything else.

This kept happening to us & actually I'm usually quite firm but DD was scared because of bad dreams, so I bought a blow up bed, we keep it fully inflated under our bed, & we just get her duvet & let her sleep on that when she comes wandering in. No talking, no lights on etc, just straight back to sleep. It's not for everyone but frankly I just want to sleep. It won't last forever.

When we had this with our daughter years ago we put a camp bed on the floor for her so she could sleep there rather than in our bed. Eventually she started staying in her own bed.

Have you tried a gro light? It worked with my dc at a similar age.

Don’t ever ever ever do this.

I know a parent (not a friend) who locked her child in for two this with a bolt on his door - and one night they had a fire.

Yes he survived with massively smoke inhalation and problem but the ramifications were huge for the whole family

never ever ever ever do this - it is beyond stupid

It's pretty standard. They are learning new things, boundaries, and the fact is they would much rather be in bed with you. It's fair enough.

My view - it will pass. They won't do it forever. When the time is right you can refocus on walking them back but you really will need to sleep on their floor and the you create a new expectation.

It's just life with children.

Mike is younger but we found a space night light helped.
He was having nightmares I think (would wake up screaming and crying) but the night light seems to have really reassured him and now if he wakes he'll just go back to sleep.

Could it be that it's 'too dark' which feels scary if they've just had a nightmare or suddenly wake up in pitch black?

Mine not Mike (who's Mike?)

Do you still have the sides for his bed? I'd consider putting them back on again and letting him know he can have his big boy bed back when he sleeps all night. Or the gro clock coupled with a reward chart?

I don't have any advice but my contribution to this very familiar list of 3.5 year old reasons for not staying I'm her own bed was
'air going up her nose'

Thanks everyone. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone. I do wish they’d just realise quite how spectacular a full nights sleep is.
@Swimswam We haven’t tried a reward system yet but I’m not sure it’s really work on him but willing to try anything.
@mydudero I did tell him today that we’d have to put the sides back on if he wouldn’t stay in there and he was dead against it so perhaps I should do it and not make it an empty threat. We used to use a Gro clock too but that stopped working so after a few weeks of it consistently having no impact we turned it off as it was so bright.

Definitely jinxed myself by saying he settles at bedtime. Over an hour in and he’s refusing to stay in bed.

I'd put the sides back on, op and try again in a month or so. Explain to him first the sides will come off again but only if he stays in bed. Alternatively, a kind of bed on your floor might be a good try as others have suggested.

I wouldn't recommend locking your kid in his room though, nevermind the big reasons like a fire or some other danger, even just having a nightmare and being a little scared would be enough to let my DS come through to me for comfort.

We have the same. I've ended up with him just coming into our bed as I'm too tired to argue but then he kicks us, steals the duvet and 'cuddles' you out of the bed. So we are back to sticker charts and placebos (the doctor said if you have this special cream (random moisturiser) on your leg it will stop you waking). None of it works for more than a few nights.

I would suggest getting a blood test for b12 and iron levels though as these can impact sleep.

@HaggisWurst Agree, locking the door just feels wrong to me. Imagine as an adult being locked in a room you want to get out of and someone who loves you not letting you out, I’d be furious.
My only concern with putting the sides back on his bed is that it’s lowered as much as possible now and he’s tall so he could easily climb out of it. He climbs into his sister’s cot bed in the morning with no problem.
I brought his mattress with his covers pillow etc into our room the other night and he wouldn’t even entertain the idea of lying on it 🤷‍♀️

@Fathercrossmas That’s it, you get to the point of just caving to let them in to your bed but actually then none of us sleep as he says he wants to be in there but he just kicks his legs, starts stroking my back or whispering rather than sleeping.
Interesting about iron levels. He’s a typical 3 year old and won’t eat meat really other than when I make homemade beef burgers. Green veg is also a no go. However he does love weetabix which is fortified with iron and he has about 3 of those a day! He’ll also happily tuck into chickpea cous cous at pre-school but never at home despite me using the same recipe.
Maybe I’ll consider an iron supplement.

My 2.5 year old does this. Any time between 1-5am usually. I just let him get in our bed now and he goes straight back to sleep. Otherwise we spend hours of him crying or refusing to sleep in his bed.

No chance of cot sides on, he’s been leaping out over cot and stair gates since 20 ish months so it’s not safe. I imagine at 3.5 years he’s super able to get it also

I would either let him in your bed, or have mattress bed like someone else suggested under yours and just pull out and let him sleep on that in your room.

We had an awful night last night. He was up 4 times before 11pm then came in with us before 2am and pushed DH out of the bed and now we've both got back ache and are tired and grumpy. Something has to change! But what???

Sorry to hear that @Fathercrossmas. Any chance of any rest today? We’ve luckily shipped both of ours off to nursery and I’ve had a good chat with his key worker about his recent antics which they’re supporting with.
We’re very much at the same point of “what do we do now?”. If he just quietly climbed into our bed and slept or slept on a bed on our floor I wouldn’t mind as we’d all get sleep but that just doesn’t happen. It’s tantrums, screaming, shouting…he doesn’t know what he wants. It’s like separation anxiety all over again.

Nursery doesn't open until 4th here and we have DD from school too. Cannot wait for the 4th!

In the nicest possible way, have you tried being a bit cross about it with him?

I remember a phase of coming downstairs after my bedtime when I was 3/4 (was before my sibling was born so I can't have been more than just turned 4) saying I felt sick. The first time, I got sympathy and some cherries that the grown ups were eating. The second time, sympathy and some toast. The third time, sympathy and to watch TV for a while with the grown ups.

After a few nights they started ignoring me and telling me kindly that it was bedtime and that I needed to go back to bed now please.

I don't remember how long it continued but I do remember being most put out the night my mum met me on the stairs and told me it was absolutely bedtime and that I wasn't allowed to come back downstairs unless there was an actual emergency. She took me back upstairs and was visibly (mildly) annoyed. I didn't do it again.

Obviously this may not work, but I can't tell from your posts if you've actually tried being, basically, cross about it. Telling him in no uncertain terms that it's bedtime, sleeptime, that you need sleep to and that he is not allowed to keep waking you up for no reason. I don't mean being unkind or shouting, but you don't have to take this disturbance with a beatific smile if you have had enough! You could team this approach with a little bed on your floor with the condition that he may get in and sleep there without disturbing you but that if he disturbs you, it's back to his bed in stony silence.

Or just put the sides back on his bed. That sounds like it would work.

Our issue is that DS isn't fully really awake, he staggers in to our room screaming, tears rolling down his cheeks saying he's lonely, but he's certainly not being cheeky, he's visibly distressed. He settles back into bed if you take him but then needs you to stand for 20 mins otherwise it's full on screaming. I'm hoping he suddenly just learns that we don't disappear when we go through the door frame.

Dd was like this at a similar age. She would literally scream and be awake for several hours during the night. It went on for several months and literally broke me.
She slept at my in laws one night as we were so exhausted, and she slept through! This seemed to break the cycle. Is there a family member you could leave him with overnight?