Help! Cry out method happening now

[iloveburmese3]

Hi mamas. I need seriously encouragement and help... currently sleep training method when you leave baby 3 minutes, 6 minutes, 10 minutes. Daughter is 18 months and is having an absolute melt down. Screaming Dadda and choking she's crying so much. Going in doesn't soothe her she's just desperate to be held. Help! Anyone done this? Am I doing the right thing? I have an baby on the way in April and really want to nail the sleeping thing.

Ps everyone when I said 'choking' I think coughing between some very strong cries is more accurate. Sorry if I offended anyone with this word, of course I wouldn't let my child choke alone - I was right outside with a thumping heart and a clock watch hating every second of as some kind person has supported 'a very common and used method of sleep training'

You're not soft because you "gave in", you're a caring mother who responded to her baby's distress and soothed her.

Just to add, OP - I think there's been a particularly strong take to your post this evening. For more balanced views there's a mix of perspectives on a previous thread :

www.mumsnet.com/talk/sleep/4424830-Sleep-training-do-you-feel-it-affected-your-baby

Wow to you too

Try little ones, I found it more gentle tips that you can use to help ease them into
Independent sleeping. Good luck, I'm not judging, you're a good mum who's tired! Xx

My 18 month old woke up loads at night and wouldn’t go back to sleep for ages- I was also pregnant so completely understand where you’re coming from. I didn’t really do anything and it improved after a few months. She still woke but went back down far more quickly.

Ahh so she could be quite low sleep needs! Split nights are really common in lower needs children. What time does she wake in the morning? What time is her nap? When she is awake for a period of time do you let her "sleep in"? (Sorry for the 101 questions! I'm a sleep consultant and can't help myself )

She should not be waking up for 4-6 hours though, is she teething? Sleep regression? I'm sure it will get better and being pregnant does not help. She'll get there in the end.

Maybe check out the Gentle Sleep Book? It really helped me and it sounds like it might suit you better.

I just did Ferber with my baby. Hard but he’s gone from waking up six times a night to sleeping 12 hours straight. To say it has been life changing is an understatement.

keep at it, there is Mecca on the other side!!

Hold your baby! Choking due to crying so much? No way!!!!!

This was really helpful to look through and will continue. Thank you 🥺 x

There are ways to sleep train without leaving your child to cry alone. It takes longer but I find it sticks better.
So if she is used to being cuddled to sleep first you would carry on with that but add another sleep association such as patting her bottom. Then you would transition to sitting or lying next to her cot and patting her bottom through the bars. Then over a period of days or weeks you slowly work at moving further and further away from the cot until you are out of the room.

Ahh so she could be quite low sleep needs! Split nights are really common in lower needs children. What time does she wake in the morning? What time is her nap? When she is awake for a period of time do you let her "sleep in"? (Sorry for the 101 questions! I'm a sleep consultant and can't help myself )

She wakes around 7, her nap is at 1 for 45 mins, yes if we have a terrible night I let her sleep in but literally she'll have an extra 30 mins sleep tops... she has just never needed much sleep 😵‍💫 thank you for your help! Do you know much about the Montisorri beds? They allow the child to feel free and not trapped in a cot... quite like this idea or is it a terrible idea...

@iloveburmese3 I’m glad you went back in to get her. I know it’s well tested or whatever but it breaks my heart.

With DS, we just got him into a routine. We’d go into our bed around 6.30 watch 30 minutes of his bedtime show with his comforter and cuddle, then I’d pop him into his bed (we got him a double for this exact reason) if he cried one of us would go lay with him in his bed until he went to sleep. He now quite happily goes into his own bed every night alone. He occasionally still wakes up where one of us will get in with him, he does also (very rarely) ask to come into our bed, so we settle him down in ours, then move him back to his own to go to sleep. It’s tough for a few weeks but there’s no crying, your baby is comfortable and it just encourages them to go to sleep in their own room.

💐

I’ll be honest OP a toddler ‘feeling free’ in bed is a recipe for disaster. I’m keeping DS’s cot sides up for as long as I can 🤣

This is really helpful thank you🙏🏻

🤣 I think I agree with you

We had this when my ds was 18months.. Dh did bedtime, he hugged him and put him into bed and ds was not happy, he did scream.. As much because he wanted me not dh. Dh stayed in the room shh him, patted, last him back down but without lifting him... It did take about an hour the first night.. (And at the subsequent wake up) but the next night was easier and by the end of the week ds was sleeping in his own bed through the night. I hated every minute of it. But by this point I was completely and utterly sleep deprived. Ds was waking every 2-3 hours wanting rocked to sleep and then there was a high chance of him waking as soon as I tried lying him down and he would not settle for dh (and h refused to get up in the middle of the night) so it was all on me and I was working full time in a full on job too. Something had to give and we needed ds to sleep. Honestly as much as I hated it I know now it was needed. Ds is now 4 and still very much a mummy's boy (he would still rather not also but goes to bed with an audiobook and toys)

Dd now 15months... Gets water before bed goes in to cot away sings talking plays with her toes and goes to sleep by herself and sleeps through night to a decent morning hour... We did nothing different she just slept through by herself early on and eats so much at dinner she couldn't have a bottle of milk before bed or she too full and is sick

Some kids just sleep, sleep train of you need, don't if you don't want to, but don't let others stress you out telling you your right or wrong whatever you decide.

With mine I did a sort of gradual retreat - I think that's what it was called. I basically put DS down in the cot to sleep, said goodnight, and walked away. As soon as he cried I went back, kissed him, stroked his head, said shuuuush or whatever, and left again. As soon as he cried, I went back, etc etc. The idea of this method is that they learn they haven't been abandoned. They know you will come back if they cry, so they're not frightened. And eventually they learn that they don't need to cry, because you're always close by.

I used to keep some upstairs jobs for that time of the evening, like ironing or putting clothes away, so I wasn't going up and down stairs all evening.

I think the reason some of the more brutal methods "work" is because babies eventually learn that there's no point in crying, because no one comes anyway. That always made me sad to think about.

Op, no judgement here, we did Ferber a long time ago.
What I found that helped was to adjust the checking in times to something that worked for us better. So instead of 3 - 5 -10 mins, we did something like 1.5 - 3 - 6 mins to begin with and then increased the intervals next day.
To be honest first time we did it it worked after 2nd night.
Had to do it again after a bout of sickness and didn't work. Took a break and tried again after a couple of weeks and it worked again pretty much after first night.
If you feel like it's not working of finding it too difficult to hear you little one so distressed leave it, giver her a cuddle and try it again after a while.

Good luck!

Yes, I've found this a great method too.

Hi OP. I was under a lot of pressure to do CIO with my first. It worked very quickly... first night she cried 45 minutes, 2nd night 22 minutes, 3rd night 9 minutes, 4th night laid down and just went to sleep happily. However.... I regret doing it to her so badly. However part 2... she slept thru from 7 months. DD2 went down fine at 8pm but woke every 2 hours until 20 months and then just started sleeping through. It has been hideous having no sleep for all that time but I don't have the guilt I had with DD1. I know it's not easy and it's your decision 100% but you either commit to one or the other. Half assed isn't really an option. Good luck xxx

@iloveburmese3 here to support you. Everything in parenting is a personal choice. We chose to do the controlled crying method when our DD was 7/8 ish months old and tbh it was the best thing we did because after a couple of nights that weren't even that bad, she now sleeps through most nights and when she does wake, we go in and see her to check she's ok etc but then Leave and she happily settles her self to sleep.

The difference in what we did though from what I read above, is we had much much shorter intervals - we eventually got to 10 mins but this was after a few days and to start with it was more like 30 secs, next wake up 45 secs for a few times, minute for a few etc and there was a limit on the first few nights which was just repeated but it wasn't as long as 10 mins.

You've stopped tonight, let everything f calm down for a few days and reassess / read some more / have a think and a chat with your DP and then decide if you want to try again. There should be no judgement on parenting choices. X

OP ignore the needless judgey comments.

I can understand why you think you need to get this sorted because you are pregnant and worrying about 2 babies to sort out at bedtime. The truth is that your baby is still a baby right now and needs mama.
You can't go from cuddles to sleep and in your bed to being left to cry to sleep. she is too little to understand that.

I don't speak from a place of judgement because I have been where you are. I've been the mum sat at the top of the stairs listening to the baby cry and knowing it went against every maternal instinct I had. Needless to say, it didn't work and I did the same as you - not "give in" as if you lost, but you did the right thing in that moment by comforting your daughter. After all, that's exactly what she was crying o it for. She's not manipulating you, she's just communicating that she doesn't feel comforted or safe to sleep unless with you.

I would now give it a few days and then try the gradual retreat method. This is what worked for me after we decided with my eldest after a horrible night, to never do cry it out again. We also have an 18m old who is our 3rd child and I can confirm that gradual retreat successfully worked for all 3 to the point where we now put dd in her cot in her sleeping bag with her dummy and her comforter, say goodnight and leave. She does the rest and falls asleep herself and sleeps all night.

I hope you can find something that works for your family but please remember that April is still a while away so don't put too much pressure to sort this right this minute. Good luck and all the best for your new arrival.