Put your baby to bed awake - how???

[Stefka]

If I do this he cries. I spend all night rocking or feeding him to sleep. He then wakes up after about half an hour crying. I am guessing he gets a fright finding himself in bed alone when he fell asleep on me. I don't know how to break the habit though. I try putting him down sleepy but he cries.

blueshoes
thanks

I have to believe this

it's pretty annoying when well-meaning friends an family roll their eyes as if to say "pfb. All she needs to do is put her down and let her get on with it..."

she would make herself ill by screaming hysterically before she would ever fall asleep on her own

I can't tolerate that, of course!

I've SEEN other babies and watched how they fall alseep

ALL BABIES ARE NOT THE SAME!!!

But Connie

If all babies differ in how they eat
develop
play
grow
gain weight

couldn't it just be possible that they differ in their ability to sleep?

Do you have different sleep patterns to anyone else you know?

I did CC with my dd2 from 12 weeks. Only left her for 1-2mins each time. Took 3 nights and since then she has slept 7-7 (with a dream feed at 10) until she was 6 months. Tbh I did this because dd1 (8) was and still is a poor sleeper so I wanted to try CC this time round. I am glad I did. Did not do CC for day time naps...just really went with the flow in the day. Dd2 actually loves going to bed. When I put her down at night she is full of smiles and I dont hear a peep for 12 hours.

I think doing what ever you are comfortable with is the key, for some this is co-sleeping, feeding to sleep etc.

connie, how did you feed your four?

and why would sleep and feeding not have an interrelationship from your point of view?

different babies ARE different, but IMHO I think some peple do go to their babies too quickly. DD1 learnt v early on that she had to settle herself, BUT that was because she was aprem baby and they don't rock/feed/cuddle to sleep in hospital. So once she was home it wouldn't have occured to me to do this.

DD2 was 'gently' pushed into this as I used to put her down to sleep when awake from the get go - tbh it wouldn't have occured to me otherwise. However she did have a MASSIVE isssue for about 6 weeks when she would sleep happily for naps, BUT afetr a late night feed she would opnly sleep if upright!! Colic I think. Howver once this was over I would always put her to bed awake.

I understand babies are different, but I agree with connie it isn't about being cruel or folloing GF or anything. My INSTICT was to put them down awake, from teh get go. DOesn't help that the OP's baby is 14 weeks, but some of us did that.

I try to set good sleeping habits from an early age. But DD3 was still a challenge as she, too, kept waking up. I have had to adapt her routine over the year to include at various points

cudling to sleep (making sure the bed i put her in was warm aroundthe head area and didn't wake her up!)

singing to her

feeding just before sleep

leaving a gap between feed and sleep to let her belly settle

swaddling (didn't work)

sleeping bag

Controlled Crying type technique (which did work - not rigidly stuck to though

not singing or rocking if she is over-tired

etc etc blah blah blah yeah godzilla shuddup now you're boring

I'm afraid I also disagree with you Connie,
both my children didn't go into their own beds until 6 months - we co-slept & bf on demand until then. 14 weeks is IMHO very early to be thinking of settling down to sleep.

but if you really want to persevere, routine, and talismen seem to be key. We have a mobile / light projector from fisher price which has become part of the routine.

My DD is 17 months and falling alssp on her own has never made a jot of difference to whether she sleeps all night or not. It's another one of these 'techniques' you're supposed to buy into when it comes to getting a baby to sleep. I'd say save yourself the tears and hassle and do what ever it takes. I lay with my dd and have a lovely time watching her fall to sleep, Honestly, I relish it especially if i've been at work all day.

Kiskidee, all my children were bf...DS (9 weeks) still being bf.

I don't disagree that feeding and sleeping have an inter-relationship but I do disagree that one determines the other and think its helpful to see them as seperate things.

I think that's what I am going to do. I just tried to get him to take a nap on his own and he just cried for half an hour even though I was holding him and patting him. I just gave in and fed him and he was asleep in minutes. I don't want to torture the poor boy. I was just worried that I was doing him a disservice in a way by making him dependent on it as every book I read says the same thing about putting your baby to bed awake.

Getting into a routine where milk coincides with bedtime would be quite good then...in fact, i think that is recommended (near enough) in GF.

See it's those bloody books again. They made me a mad woman. Chuck them Stefka, you'll be a lot saner for it

Depends how you take 'em ginger! The second i saw 'do not give eye contact at night feed' i thought, 'yeah whatever' and continued to follow the feeding/sleeping advice but ignored the s**t.

My daughter is 9 months old now. I couldnt put her down at all until she was about 3 and a half months. What i did was slowly increase the time she cried (no longer than 2 mins tho!) and also got her used to just lying in her cot. I think when they are young they just like to be close to Mummy and when they are ready (it could be any age) then they will be able to settle themselves. I know its hard. My daughter had colic for about 3 and a half months too and it was pure hell.

I just think right now she needs Mummy and when shes older she'll be ok. Its just a matter of time but unfortunately, we dont know how long.

connie, are you saying taht you exclusively bf for say, 26 weeks for all of the 3 others?

i did not say that one determines the other. I have said that they are interrelated, as you agree, and it is therefore unwise to look at one without taking the other into consideration. when so many baby 'gurus' give erm, information, without a solid working knowledge of how bf works then they are not giving a reliable information to many mothers who are bfing and may like to exclusively breastfeed for say, more than 17 wks.

stefka: "every book I read says the same thing about putting your baby to bed awake." Yes, they do, and they talk shite as far as my babies are concerned and I believe for yours and verylittlecarrot's. These babies don't just whinge or grizzle if put down awake. They work themselves up into great fits of distress. How can you expecta baby to get from that to self-soothing without quashing their spirit? Certainly not something you want to do at 14 weeks.

And verylittle carrot, yes, children differ in their sleep habits, some are more trainable than others, and others you should not even attempt until much older. My dcs got their sleep pattern from their father. My MIL said the very same thing about not being able to put dh down awake as a baby.

You talk much sense, o wise blueshoes.

And I do see progress, stefka, if that's any reassurance.

I just fed babycarrot to sleep lying down on the bed and was able to detach her and now she is sleeping without my nip in her mouth. This is a rare occurrence, so fabulous when it happens.

This may seem like small potatoes to some, but to me it is huge progress.

She sleeps - and is not velcroed to me!!!!

Have only read OP and no other posts:

This is how I started doing it (after about 2 months):

Routine: Bath, massage (optional, but relaxing), Breastfeed, then put down with a toy which plays a tune (could use a mobile I suppose).
When he cried - go in pick up, offer breast again, if not wanted, wait until he stopped crying, and put down again. Keep going in until he stopped crying. HOWEVER - he does have a dummy at bedtime, so this may have made it easier.

Importantly don't say anything when going in after initial put down and avoid putting light on if possible.

After about 3 or 4 nights I would only have to go in now and again if he had pain or wasn't properly asleep before loosing his dummy.

This isn't for everyone and I could never have let him just cry and cry, but it worked for me.

Although - I still can't get him to sleep longer than 3-4 hours - still working on getting him to go through the night!

Good luck.

Stefka, don't stress about it. I've only just stopped feeding my daughter to sleep, and she's 10 months (actually I still feed to sleep for naps). I don't cosleep, btw.

It's convenient and it's worked well. I'd have been far less sane without it. And given that BM makes them feel sleepy, I'd say it's a pretty good design.

And stuff the books.

Goodness Stefka, just had to add my tuppence worth - don't fret about this self-settling malarkey, please!

If I could turn the clock back I'd undo all those miserable hours I spent trying to find the magic window of sleepiness whereby I could put DS down and walk away without hysterics. It took me an embarrassingly long time to learn that a) there wasn't one and b) this putting them down sleepy thing is shite for some babies.

Those who have babies who they can put down sleepy and 'teach' to sleep alone from an early age are lucky. They haven't got babies like us. You will find, when you have a needy baby, that the world is full of self-congratulatory people who will instruct you on how to fix your baby's problems. With a baby like this, the way to fix them is to give them time and patience.

DS is now 6 months and although he can't fully self-settle he's a hell of a lot easier than he ever was. And I can tell you I spent weeks and weeks trying to get him to self-settle, from a very early age, and failed every time. No amount of teaching or setting of good habits will make a baby who's frightened of lying alone less frightened. I wish I had known that back then .

I can understand why people want it - last night was a nightmare as has today been. He is tired but won't sleep. I feed him, he drops off but wakes up when he goes down and the only way to get him off again is to feed. I have resorted to the swing just so I can get some food.

I think I have made the crib a negative place as everytime I put him in it now he cries. He's ok when he wakes up in it in the morning but he seems to know now that when I put him down I am leaving him to it and starts to cry. Everyone tells me to leave him but I can't do that.

If it's any consolation I found things got a lot easier around the 4 months mark - month 5 was transition and month 6 has been much nicer. Do what you need to do and sod "bad habits". People who worry about bad habits have surely never had a needy baby

Ok, have come back tonight to add to what I wrote yesterday as it's bothering me that you're getting tonnes of advice, some of it very conflicting and this is likely to make you stressed.

The single most important thing you can do for yourself and your LO is RELAX. I know this is easier said than done when you're sleep deprived and worried but you really must try!! Note to self: remove bossy head now

I feel bad that I may have misled you in my earlier post because I forgot to mention a very important point. DS has slept for 10-12 hours a night every night since he was 8 weeks with a few exceptions, usually when ill or when he hasn't had enough milk/food during day to keep him going through the night. We put him down awake now as he's recently started becoming distressed after being put to bed asleep and as I mentioned, he's fine with this.
HOWEVER:

Up until about two months ago, he had NEVER gone to sleep (bedtime/naps/anytime) without a screaming fit of hysteria beforehand. He was a nightmare in this respect but we realised it was just his way and that he would go to sleep eventually and be fine. And we were chilled about it and rocked, cuddled, sung him off to sleep and now I even forget that he needed that because he certainly doesn't now (He's almost 8 months)!! So, things can and will change and I really do think that your attitude can help this along.

We'll all give you personal, anecdotal, firmly believed in advice but the best thing you and your DH can do is to sit down together, consider all the advice and options and make a plan that works for you.

If it doesn't work, change it.

Oh, and did I mention not to stress??

Stefka, I remember you making enquiries about a sling. how has this worked out for you? It can help with daytime naps. At this age, I would simply nap with dd for 2 hrs during the day. I used to feel horribly guilty for it at first but the more I have learnt about how babies sleep, I wish I was guilt free about it.