Baby will only sleep with dummy and will not self soothe☹️

[kalicia]

My baby is 4 months and is going through sleep regression. She has always been the best sleeper but recently she wakes up every hour and both me and her are exhausted😢

I know what the problems are, but unsure how to get out of them..

1.She will only go to sleep on her side in my arms being rocked with a dummy in and me holding her hand. She is very fussy! If I do not hold her hand she will pull her dummy out and then she will cry for her dummy back in.

2.Obviously the dummy, she will not sleep without it. Which is a problem because she constantly puts her hands on her face to pull it out which means she’s still being swaddled at night.

3.She is overtired she does NOT nap. This is not because of regression because she has never napped. When she was a newborn she only napped on somebody’s chest then when put down would wake up. Now it’s rocking her again but if she does nap it’s for 20 minutes and that’s if she decides to not fight her sleep.

The main issue for me is the dummy reliance, if it’s knocked out or if she spits it out she cries for it. She will not self soothe she has no idea how to do it, I’ve tried putting her down without the dummy, or letting it fall to see what she will do. She just cries and cries. I don’t know what to do and it’s driving me crazy😣 I don’t want to have to let her cry it out but it seems like the only option.

Christ what I have just read. She’s a baby - she is incapable of self soothing.

You cannot let a four month old baby cry it out. That would be abuse and neglect.

You need to adjust your expectations on baby sleep because whatever you think you know is entirely wrong.

For first 6 months my lo was like this. Then we sleep trained with ferber method. When I spoke to my hv she suggested cc at 4 months but in my eyes way to young and I would never do at that age.

I know what your going through but I have no real advise as I just went with the flow and did what was needed until 6 months.

Lo does only want you

She’s only a tiny baby. She needs the comfort of her parents. Not self soothing. She’s too young.

Yes, normal, don't be afraid of the dummy!!! It is annoying when it falls out and they wake up etc but completely normal to love the dummy, she's only just out of the newborn stage. Have you read about the fourth trimester, shhh pat etc? Crying it out is not an option this little I'm afraid

Dummy also helps with sids risk below 6months

Could you put the cot next to bed at same height, lean into cot with her in your arms and on side, holding hand etc. Shhh and pat her, trying to not rock her too much, then slowly withdraw when asleep?

FATEdestiny on here is amazing, search for old threads with her username and "four months", she's a font of knowledge on baby sleep and sleep techniques

e.g. www.mumsnet.com/talk/sleep/3067665-Safe-to-remove-dummy-at-4-months

Huckleberry app is good for suggested nap and sleep times

My DS was exactly like this.
Ferber method and taking away the dummy was life changing. But not until 6 months.

There’s not a lot you can do at 4 months to be honest, some baby’s brains just haven’t learnt to link the sleep cycles together very well.

Just hang in there, read Dr Feber’s book and do it as soon as she turns 6 months would be my advice.

Could try some pink or white noise? That helped a little longer sleep for us.

Dd had a dummy until she was about 14 months. We weaned her off it then, and she was fine. We used to pop two or three in the cot with her so she could reach out and grab one in the night if she needed one. She figured that out eventually.

Why are you so worried about her having a dummy?

When DS was admitted to hospital at 4months the nurses actually gave us a dummy we weren't using one, it helped it soothed him. It was gone by the time he was 13/14months.

Don't worry about the dummy, and right now just do what gets you and baby sleep.

For the people saying don’t let her cry it out, I 100% agree. However for a mum who’s partner works all day and her lo is barely sleeping and so am I. For my own sanity I am having to let her cry in her crib for a little because she’s not settling with me sometimes AT ALL. I am feeling guilty because sometimes she will not settle with me and she just screams for hours because she’s overtired and fights her sleep. I don’t need other mums to shame anything that I do.

I have also mentioned self soothing because when you search anything about the 4 more sleep regression it says it’s not a phase it’s a permanent change and your lo needs to learn to self soothe as it will be a lot easier.

The dummy I am only hating at the moment because when she is asleep at night, because of the regression she’s going through every hour she realises it’s not in her mouth she will start to stir and then cry until it’s back in.

My baby is exhausted and as a new mum I just wanted advice after pointing out the issues I noticed. It’s not even about my sleep anymore, but she wakes up for the day and she cries 90% of the day because she’s so tired. Which makes her fight her sleep because she’s overtired.

Thankyou for all the comments of advice, I will give things a try. I know this won’t last forever but atm with a baby that has been the best sleeper it is really hard.

I honestly feel you pain. My partner also worked all day. It sucks. He left at 6am and didn't get home till 6pm. Sometimes later.

Another tip, in evening you go to bed say 7pm. Your partner has lo until 12am/1am. Split the night. Only way I survived at least I had some sleep. One morning on weekend. You get the lay in.

Lots of dummies in cot. I mean lots. Teach lo to search for dummy and pop it in.

Pink noise can help lo link sleep cycles. Worked more and more as lo got older for us.

Push that side crib up to your bed, drop the side if possible. When lo wakes have a little stack of dummies and pop back in half asleep and comfort from your bed without picking lo up. It might help.

During day do contact naps. Yes I know your wanting to do stuff. I know your tired. But currently your lo is overtired and need to catch up on that sleep debt. My lo only ever contact napped until 7 months.

I understand a little whinging and leaving baby if your frustrated and can't cope anymore, for 5 mins. But if you can't cope I would suggest having a chat with you hv or gp.

For my own sanity I am having to let her cry in her crib for a little because she’s not settling with me sometimes AT ALL.

Please do not do this. Even if baby is still crying they are comforted by your presence and being close to you.

To leave them alone, crying, when they’re just past the newborn stage and don’t even know they’re a separate person to you yet is just awful.

I have also mentioned self soothing because when you search anything about the 4 more sleep regression it says it’s not a phase it’s a permanent change and your lo needs to learn to self soothe as it will be a lot easier.

Again, this is a load of bollocks peddled by the sleep training industry that makes a lot of money off tired parents who think their baby isn’t sleeping as they should. When in fact their babies are behaving biologically normally.

They are biologically incapable of self soothing until late toddlerhood. It is a developmental skill that your baby will not be able to learn for years to come yet.

Please check out Sarah Ockwell Smith and Lyndsey Hookway. This is a great article on the reality of baby sleep:

sarahockwell-smith.com/2017/07/24/the-rollercoaster-of-real-baby-sleep/

This isn’t about shaming. This is about education. You need to adjust your expectations around baby sleep.

THIS

@ChittyBang1987 Thankyou!! We do have white noise I’ve used that since she was a newborn and it helps a lot even to mask out any background noises. I will put dummy’s around although I feel like she’s too young to find and put them in her mouth, the day she does that will be a day of big relief🥲 We also contact napped today, we’ve just woke from it. We got a good 2 hours. She had been awake from 8am and cried most of the day because she was tired it’s heartbreaking especially when she fights her sleep so badly. The next to me crib is there with the side down, I think tonight i am also going to try warm it up with a hot water bottle before I put her down because the warmth from my arms to her crib must be a big change. Thanks for your help!

Contact napping is good. But don't fall asleep on couch and such with lo. Have a look at safe cosleeping guidance if need be. We never felt like we could do that. But plenty of people do.

With dummies it's so you can grab one and just pop it in Los mouth in middle of night. So you dont have to get up. It's feel for dummy and pop it in Los mouth. Ur be surprised once you start teaching lo to put dummy in mouth and grabbing etc.

@YellowTreeHouse

it is completely fine to put your baby down crying for a few minutes as long as they’re in a safe space. My health visitor even recommended this.

No where did I state about how I think a baby should be sleeping. All babies are different, it is just a big change because she has been a great sleeper and now she struggling because of the regression. My lo is overtired and it’s me 80% of the day there with her everyday to try settle and comfort her and make progress with any naps / sleeps. Taking a break for my own sanity on days it has been hard is completely normal. Does this mean I leave my child for 20 minutes crying her eyes out? No it doesn’t. It means I stepped away to make myself a drink or a few minutes cool down before I go back to help settle her again.

The HV “recommend” this to reduce the chance of parents hurting babies if stressed. It’s not actually good for baby.

I have a toddler who wakes every 2 hours; I understand exhaustion. Not once have I ever left her to cry. Not even for a minute.

But you really need to do some decent research on sleep because whatever you’ve read so far is nothing more than an advert for the sleep training industry.

Putting the baby down in a safe space when they are crying is recommended as part of the ICON campaign to reduce babies being shaken as a negative response to crying. It's better to put the baby down and walk away, if you are feeling angry or that you might do something to hurt the baby.

Leaving baby to cry is also sometimes unavoidable if you're doing something you can't immediately stop, particularly if you have other children.

It's not a very helpful sleep training technique. Sometimes babies will only nap on you, my first was like that, until she went to nursery at 11 months old she had every nap on me. My DH was also out at work all day, and now I have two to look after he is back to travelling for work after the covid break. You need to find your way of helping your baby sleep. That might mean all naps are on you, or using the pram, or driving.

I just wanted to say here is a handhold. 4 months was a horrible age for sleep (imo) you can spend hours over analysing and trying all sorts of things.

Just work out what works for you in terms of getting the most sleep and do that. Don’t worry about ‘bad habits’ as everything they go into a new stage they’ll change what they do anyway.

Sleep training wasn’t for us especially so young, so we ended up cosleeping. Best thing we did! It won’t be forever.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Some babies will be fine as long as they’re on their mum but some (mine included) got constantly overtired and not sleeping even on me. So hard.

We are born with an innate need to suckle to build milk supply, for survival. That didn't go away because we reduced breastfeeding. All infants have this, which is why they tend to fall to sleep on the breast or failing that a "dummy" nipple which tricks them into thinking they are doing what they are innately programmed to do; build milk supply.

It won't go away until natural weaning age, around age 5.

Don't deprive the baby of a dummy because the innate need to suckle can't be removed so they will just get very upset which will hinder your sanity.

I honestly don't know what you were expecting. Can you afford some help? I feel so sad for your baby who just wants to be held and is totally normal. It's your expectations and lack of knowledge about the emotional needs of babies that are the issue.

I agree with this completely. This phase with the dummy is really tiring and annoying, but I've been through it with both my children, we rode it out, and it improved. As they get older they get better at finding their dummy themselves. I'd say by about 10 months both my kids could find it themselves more often than not. My youngest is 12 months and sometimes still needs help to find it if he's turned the other way and it's on his other side or whatever but it's not every night. I strongly recommend the Sleepytot teddies, both mine have slept with one since they were about 6 months, with 4 dummies attached and over time they learnt to find their dummies on it quite well.

Anecdotally I don't know anyone personally who had a 'good sleeper' as an infant (under 2) who didn't have a dummy. I do know people who had babies who weren't great sleepers even with the dummy - my son, my current baby, is one of those unfortunately! But I don't personally know anyone who didn't use a dummy who had a good sleeper under 2 or so. My eldest was a pretty good sleeper generally and had a dummy. Of course, we still went through a terrible time of it around the 4 month mark with dummy falling out, and any time she was ill, and so on. Even good sleepers have phases where their sleep is bad. It is tiring but if you're on mat leave, best advice is just to try and nap in the daytime if you can, as it sounds like this is your first, so you have the benefit of no other kids to attend to in the daytime!

Are you feeding her? Lots of babies feed through the night at this age still.
Please dont leave her to CIO, you only gave birth to her 4 months ago she's tiny.

This 100%

Leaving a baby to ‘cry it out’ only teaches them that you’ll not come to them if they cry. 💔