Baby will only sleep with dummy and will not self soothe☹️

[kalicia]

My baby is 4 months and is going through sleep regression. She has always been the best sleeper but recently she wakes up every hour and both me and her are exhausted😢

I know what the problems are, but unsure how to get out of them..

1.She will only go to sleep on her side in my arms being rocked with a dummy in and me holding her hand. She is very fussy! If I do not hold her hand she will pull her dummy out and then she will cry for her dummy back in.

2.Obviously the dummy, she will not sleep without it. Which is a problem because she constantly puts her hands on her face to pull it out which means she’s still being swaddled at night.

3.She is overtired she does NOT nap. This is not because of regression because she has never napped. When she was a newborn she only napped on somebody’s chest then when put down would wake up. Now it’s rocking her again but if she does nap it’s for 20 minutes and that’s if she decides to not fight her sleep.

The main issue for me is the dummy reliance, if it’s knocked out or if she spits it out she cries for it. She will not self soothe she has no idea how to do it, I’ve tried putting her down without the dummy, or letting it fall to see what she will do. She just cries and cries. I don’t know what to do and it’s driving me crazy😣 I don’t want to have to let her cry it out but it seems like the only option.

Second children (and 3rd and 4th etc) are left to cry all the time out of necessity while mums see to the toddlers needs. It's not always nice but it's fine.

Hang in there. I found the baby stage and lack of sleep hard. For what it's worth, I used to have white noise (actually I had rain noise because I preferred to listen to that) on loud. Hot water bottle to warm the cot first. A doll that used to make loud breathing and heartbeat sound and a dummy. I definitely remember having to put the dummy in all the time. A real pain but was worth it. It will get better and can try CC when baby is older. Unfortunately you just have to accept that this is life at the moment

This is such a horribly unempathetic first response to a FTM who is shattered and asking for help. Classic Mumsnet.

Baby carrier in the day for naps
Co-sleep at night (yes you can do it safely, check the Lullaby Trust recommendations)
Sometimes we can't stop them from crying but do not leave her to cry alone. If it's hard for you (and I know it is, I really do feel for you) imagine how much harder it is for a helpless little baby.

Leaving a baby to cry/ whinge for 5 minutes will not damage your baby. I don't think op is doing it every time, but now and again is fine. Its sanity and protects yourself and baby. What happens when people have more then one child. Your supporting your toddler to go to the toilet for example you can't say hold on I got to get the baby 🤷🏼‍♀️To be quite honest I have left my baby in a safe space while I have gone to the toilet, or had a good cry on stairs, or even called my grandmother to have a good cry at her and coach me through the difficult period. It gave me strength to gather myself and draw on that I can do this without literally sobbing at every moment in my life after having a child. My lo is well adjusted lo, no ill effects. Still calls me in night (4 times a night for past week as we're teething and ill) I'm her favourite and she will always chose me over everyone (though grandma is a close second) I'm the one that walked away for 5 minutes, I'm the one who mainly sleep trained her.

she just screams for hours because she’s overtired and fights her sleep

Hours?

Nothing to add that hadn’t already said apart from swaddling. Haven’t seen anyone else mention but at 4 months baby is probably rolling or starting to so please don’t swaddle. If she rolls over onto her front she will be stuck face down.

@Namechange192727171 So with feeding at night she started sleeping through the night early on. I usually put her down around 8pm and she’ll fall asleep latest 10pm after a bottle. I would dream feed before I sleep around 12 then she would sleep through the night until the morning. Occasionally would wake between 4am-6am for a bottle but would go straight back to sleep. Atm because she’s waking so much more like every hour I’m going through 3 bottles in the night to help settle her. Unsure if she’s actually hungry even though she does waffle down the bottle or if it’s just comfort.

@Isthisexpected And everybody else who thinks for some reason my baby is not getting loved you are totally wrong. Infact she’s held most of the day and settles to sleep on me when she does sleep. This is just a cry for help because she’s tired, I’m tired and sometimes I am having to put her down but this is not for a long amount of time. Health visitor said this is totally fine. It’s in her crib or a bassinet or even her play matt, it’s a safe space. Not once have I left her to properly cry it out. Writing my original post was for advice which everyone is saying not to do, so I am not going to. But every parent or the majority go through this stage of feeling helpless and thinking this way. It does not mean I would do it.

@bingbummy and everyone else Thankyou for the advice on the dummy. I was unsure at her age what is appropriate. But it seems totally normal for her to be reliant on it so I’m glad everyone has educated me more!

@ThisShitsBananas she is not rolling yet I know Not to swaddle when that starts. I tried to transition to a sleep sack and it didn’t do well because her hands keep pulling her dummy out

@ThisIsMeToooo yes sometimes hours. We went to the gp last week to actually see if she was unwell but she’s fine. It’s definitely the overtiredness. This is the reason I sometimes have to put her down. Ideally if my partner or mum is around they would have her.

I would probably look to start transitioning her out of swaddling at this age. Both of mine rolled for the first time in their sleep the buggers! Dummies are difficult. My first had a dummy but when I’m a deep enough sleep she spat it out so she never had this problem. Hope you figure something out. Could you co sleep through the regression so you can get some rest?

@ChittyBang1987 thankyou. It’s just mumsnet parents that try make you feel so wrong for everything. You’re right I don’t leave her for long periods of time and if my mum or partner is around they would have her

I tried to transition a few weeks ago and we just got no sleep because of the constant pulling out of dummy. I keep telling my partner that she needs to be out of the swaddle because I’m aware of when they roll they cannot be in it. I even bought those swaddle transitions (the ones where their hands are up) and she still managed to keep pulling her dummy out. In the day if she does nap, I won’t swaddle her but because of that the naps only last 20 minutes before she’s rubbing her face and looking for the dummy, which wakes her up. It’s a difficult one that’s why I wrote about dummy reliance which I now know is totally fine. But it is a big struggle with getting her to sleep😩

Just hopping on here to say OP you sound like a lovely mum. The four month regression is so hard!

I have a toddler and a baby and they both settle to sleep by themselves (no dummies) - the baby has a bit of a grizzle sometimes as she goes down but otherwise they both settle themselves. I’m not sure about the posters saying that babies are biologically incapable of this?

If you are going to stick with a dummy you will have a rough time for the next few weeks/months until your baby can replace the dummy herself. As she gets bigger you can teach her to do this during the day so she can use that skill at nighttime too.

If you decide against sticking with the dummy I would look at gradual techniques to teach her how to fall asleep. Look into habit stacking and add in some other sleep aids (like white noise, a comforter, really consistent bedtime routine etc.) before removing the dummy.

Also it’s just a short period of time (I know it doesn’t feel like it now) but I really recommend going to sleep when she does at the start of the night as she’s most likely to do a solid chunk of sleep then, so at least you will get that too.

My eldest was the worst sleeper. I promise, it does get better!

Thanks I walk the dog everyday therefore she goes in a baby carrier and she does sleep in it, it’s just she doesn’t sleep for long. Her sleeping in the day is awful if I can get her to sleep she will sleep 20 minutes, even with me laid with her. I also put her in her crib but early morning (4/5am) if I hear her stirring I will put her in bed with me and safely co-sleep when my partner is not around. It does help a little. It worked better before this 4 month regression. I’m not going to let her cry it out, I just feel helpless sometimes. Thanks for your advice!

I thought the same. Unnecessary when Op clearly needs some support. Not the way to do it.

Just remember everything is a phase (it sucks I know). Do the safe thing walking away as needed. Also, one phase that always stuck with me there is a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture.

My last bit of advice. Next few days. Work on naps especially contact naps, they last longer and more refreshing. Have a packed lunch and flask close by. This will help with sleep debt for lo. Get the pink or white noise nice and loud. Also if you feel that it's for you it never was for us look up cosleeping safely. Especially for day naps. You might find that catching up on the sleep debt may help overall.

Just remember the regressions usually only last a few weeks OP so try and hang in there and ride it out. I wouldn’t be trying to make any big changes during the regressions. Then you’ll have a few weeks off before the next one 🤣

And of course it’s fine for your baby to cry sometimes. What do people think happens when you have two or more children? You can’t physically divide yourself in two. The toddler needs a wee NOW and the baby is crying - sorry but the baby has to wait! Of course leaving a baby to cry just for the fun of it doesn’t sound ideal but that’s not what you’ve described at all. Both my babies have had to wait sometimes and they’re both thriving. Honestly. The responses on here are horrible!

4 month regression is horrible. Don't panic about the people who say they are developing permanent habits and need to learn to self-soothe, in reality you just need to survive the regression, and baby will need a lot of soothing. It's exhausting and draining.

What I found helped:

• help baby to learn whatever skill it is they're trying to learn (I think it's rolling at this stage, could be wrong). So, tummy time as much as she is happy with in the day. Encouragement etc.

• tire baby out. Hard at this age. Again, tummy time. Baby groups/rhyme time/ swimming helps.

• hand over to partner when possible in order to sleep/rest. I got dh to do the soothing/dummy patrol one night a week just so I got some sleep.

• do whatever works. My ds (6months) has only just started napping longer than 20 minutes, and only recently in his cot. He's gone through phases of mostly napping in either pram/car/sling/on me. Go with whatever works, and keep trying the cot here and there.

Keep returning the dummy, keep up the white noise, and rest whenever you can. It'll pass.

Second the swimming! My son would sit and stare at me angrily for 20 minutes in his little floaty but would then nap for about 3 hours after and he was always a cat napper

I had a baby who cried almost all day every day for about 7 months. No medical explanation was ever identified. In hindsight I think a lot of it was being overtired as like OP's baby she was a horrendous napper. She did generally sleep overnight ok though which meant that I got enough sleep to function, and it was still absolutely awful, the toll on my mental health all the relentless crying took. So yes, babies do often cry for hours and often sadly there is little one can do about it.

@user478965227857 I wrote that before other mums suggest to let her self soothe as some babies that are her age can do that. Where did I state I expect her to self soothe?

Once again, Thankyou so much for the lovely comments of support. I know it’s a phase, it doesn’t last forever. It’s just hard and a lot of you are very empathetic and I appreciate that. I would not really let her cry it out, it’s more me just crying for help. But I’ve took all your comments on board and appreciate you all