Can't do this anymore

[seaswim33]

I have a 5 week old who just doesn't sleep wel day or night. I barely sleep at as even when she is asleep I'm too anxious to sleep. She has horrible gas at night and sometimes wakes up and is awake upset for hours. She takes ages to settle to sleep unless I feed her to sleep or use a sling and don't stop moving. I'm unable to look after her independently so I feel a failure. I'm at breaking point, any advice? Heath visitor is concerned and suggested I get some drugs to relax and give her to someone for a
day but will need to pump and have someone do that.... Just can't even think properly right now...

Yes tried that... Did you exclude even tiny amounts of dairy or just milk and cheese?

I m getting to the point where I really don't think I can care for her anymore even her basic needs. My mum has to help enormously but won't be here tomorrow.

@seaswim33

Yes tried that... Did you exclude even tiny amounts of dairy or just milk and cheese?

When it was me, I excluded everything dairy, even traces of, for a month. It had immediate benefits, and continued to improve for about 2 weeks. I then reintroduced the stuff with traces of dairy in, and he was fine. I occasionally put butter on my toast, but couldnt do that every day.

I totally sympathise and want to share how I turned a corner after weeks of barely sleeping.

My baby is 6 weeks old. For the first 3 weeks I only got 4 hours sleep a night when I handed baby to my partner with a bottle of expressed milk. I use a haakaa to catch let down on opposite breast rather than pumping as I absolute hate pumping so I'd recommend that for a start. Some days I'd just get no sleep at all if I had no one around to take a shift with him. I was starting to lose my mind.

My baby is gassy and also will not sleep unless on me or on someone else. Here's how we turned a corner:

1. Co-sleeping. I gave in to co-sleeping. Our beautiful next to me crib is now totally useless but I don't care. Baby and I sleep soundly together through the night. He wakes two or three times a night to feed and it's a nice experience as I'm not crazy with lack of sleep. Before embracing co-sleeping I was getting angry and upset with baby. This was not good. Research co-sleeping. I tried to breastfeed him lying down but it doesn't work for me. Sitting up a few times a night with him on a nursing pillow is no hassle when you're getting lovely sleep the rest of the night.

1. Feed feed feed. Feed him for comfort, feed him to sleep, feed whenever and wherever. I accept that the gas and reflux causes him to be uncomfortable sometimes and it's upsetting to see but if I just go with the flow and let him on the boob for comfort we get there in the end. And I accept a million outfit changes due to all the milk he brings up. I know it will get better in time.

1. I have started taking him to a cranial osteopath as I've heard nothing but positive things that they can help gassy and refluxy babies. Book a few sessions. It's worth a try. I'm going in with a very open mind.

1. YouTube videos of hairdryer sounds. This one is a total god send. I play one that has ten hours of hairdryer sounds. He loves it and more often than not it's like an off-switch and puts him straight to sleep.

1. A dummy. He's not a huge fan but with perseverance he'll take it. I stop him breastfeeding halfway through sometimes and pop the dummy in just to slow things down and let his belly settle a little before going back on the boob. Works for us as he guzzles so much of my fast flow that the dummy helps stop so much just coming up again! It's a way to give him a little breather.

1. For a similar reason I use a haakaa on my breast before feeding him. I have a very fast let down that causes him discomfort. He fusses at the breast but still manages to gasp and gulp and choke his way through the let down and this just makes him uncomfortable and isn't a pleasant experience for either of us. Popping the haakaa on for a few minutes before he feeds catches the fast let down and means that when he's on he's getting the slower flow. Also means I'm always freezing lots of breast milk for bottles to hand to my partner or my mum when I need a break.

Oh and swaddling does not work for us. Try different things and see what works. Go with your instincts. I so wish I'd co-slept from the start as I can see now looking back that he was clearly telling me all along that's what he needed. Research the 4th trimester. They are just such little creatures and they need to be close to us.

I really hope this helps.

@seaswim33
I would breastfeed him and hand him over to DH to wind and settle, while I went to the other room to sleep. When he needed a feed before my turn, he'd give him a bottle (I could never get anything by expressing, so it was formula). But crucially, he had to deal with him whether he settled or not. It doesn't work if you know your DH will come and get you if the baby isn't settling as you won't be able to switch off and sleep.

I really thought I was going mad with lack of sleep and by mid-afternoon, I'd get a feeling of dread about the night ahead. Once I started getting a few hours of sleep, I was able to cope so much better. And it eventually passed, although at the time it seemed like eternity!

Best of luck to you and I hope your GP is also helpful.

@dippywhentired

I really thought I was going mad with lack of sleep and by mid-afternoon, I'd get a feeling of dread about the night ahead. Once I started getting a few hours of sleep, I was able to cope so much better. And it eventually passed, although at the time it seemed like eternity!

I also would get a feeling of dread and find myself crying before the night even started because I knew what I was in for.

I second that whomever you pass your baby to needs to know that they cannot come and wake you if the baby won't settle. That is pointless. Feed your baby before handing them over and then get a solid 3 hours sleep. If you have someone to support you for longer then sleep 3 hours, let them bring baby back for a feed, then sleep another 3 hours. Or 2 and 2. Whatever you can cope with and works for you.

I found that my baby actually settled better for my partner or my mum away from me. I'm convinced this is because when he can smell me he just wants to be glued to me.

Like I said before, co-sleeping fixed this problem immediately. He gets to be close to me all night and I get to sleep. I still accept people taking him for 2 or 3 hours when they can while I have a big nap though because I bloody love my sleep and it's nice to have some time when baby isn't glued to me.

Last night she had a 3 hour stint where I slept separately Ns I hot a little bit of sleep, then it was my shift and she basically wouldn't settle at all. Tried to out her in the crib the co slept but she just constantly wanted the boob and wouldn't fall asleep she was wide awake at one point.... Any advice?

Use a dummy

Use a swaddle

Are you doing these? Swaddle and dummy are the start point for settling a newborn.

frida.co.uk/products/windi I saw these when browsing in Boots the other day, might be worth a try?

Have you looked at silent reflux?
My third had this and it nearly broke us she basically cried/screamed most of the 24 hours. Trapped wind, wanting to feed, barely slept.

My first was like this is was soya allergy and cmpa. I would use a dummy and also eliminate spicy foods, fizzy drinks and orange juice. It did improve around the 4 month. I realise that is some way off for you

OP just re your sleep, I had really bad anxiety snd insomnia with my DD, it meant I never slept even when she did and it was dreadful and led me to being suicidal. I strongly suggest pushing your GP to run some blood tests to see if you have hyperthyrodism. It’s pretty common post pregnancy and causes insomnia, weight loss, anxiety and depression.

There are also several non addictive, as needed medications you can safely take while breast feeding that help with insomnia & anxiety. You can usually also send refer for CBT counselling and should be prioritized as a new parent.

Your partner can also take leave, I would say it’s worth going into some debt to get help for you. It’s not too late to do some shared parental leave. This quite literally saved my life.

I dealt with this . My son had colic so was screaming in the middle of the night . I used infacol and gripe water after he was a month old which helped . But before that I used to rub his tummy with some warm olive oil in circular motions . Try this and see if it helps . Well done though. I know it’s hard but this will all pass

Things have got so bad, we are so sleep deprived! My partner had to stay home from work today as I can't cope. Please tell me this gets easier? She juts fights sleep so much. I end up co sleeping which sometimes works ok but can also not as it means shes not kept upright after feeds. Go prescribed gavisgon but it's so hard to give when bf. Also tried bottles yesterday but she hates them!

Any advice? I'm so down comparing her sleep to others at her age. Im so exhausted.

@seaswim33

Any advice? I'm so down comparing her sleep to others at her age. Im so exhausted.

My son had silent reflux which sounds like your problem too. Gaviscon did help but it caused awful constipation which can be just as disruptive so make sure you get lactulose too. He was on lansoprasole for a while too which didn't stop the reflux but did stop it hurting so meant a lot less crying. This needs to be prescribed by a specialist though.

I'd second what everyone else said about grabbing a few hours sleep whilst someone else holds baby and just keep reminding yourself it will end. It really will end. My son is a joy now, still doesn't sleep through at 11 months but sometimes sleeps 7 hours straight!

The reflux just disappeared by 5 months after he'd mastered rolling. He was literally rolling across the whole room. Burps just came out on their own as he rolled around and I'm convinced this was what ended the reflux. So I'd do everything you can to encourage that.

I must confess to sleeping with him propped up on my legs at some points in the early hours though with pillows under my knees. That and contact naps in our IKEA bouncy armchair where I could hold him upright and nod off myself. I know it's totally against guidance but I always woke up as soon as he stirred at all and I figured that was less dangerous than a mother who wanted to jump in front of a bus whilst carrying him in a sling because she was so tired.

Also don't compare. Mum's lie a lot about how they're coping for some reason. It really won't be like this forever I promise. I've been there feeling that surely someone else would look after baby better than me. Honestly once you've got yourself a little more sleep in any way that you can it will feel easier. The lovely thing about having a baby like this is that your bond will be very strong from all the cuddling and soothing you have to do with them and they'll grow up feeling very confident and loved. Xxx

Last night was awful and only saved by DP giving me an hour and a half morning nap as is Saturday.... She wouldn't settle at all. I'm so down I dread every minute of the day...

@seaswim33

Are you swaddling?
Are you using a dummy?

Also, have you spoken to your GP about your mental health? You may have post natal depression, which makes coping with a newborn much harder.

Yes I have pnd.

Hates swaddling, we actually sleep her on her front... Won't take dummy!

Fate Destiny will know a lot more than me....But my little boy wouldn't take a dummy, but I persevered and tried different brands until I found one he likes. He now still only likes the nuby £1.99 ones from Aldi and he's 10 months! Complete game changer for me and he would finally sleep independently. Keep trying, good luck!

@seaswim33

Yes I have pnd.

Hates swaddling, we actually sleep her on her front... Won't take dummy!

If by hating the swaddle you mean baby struggles against it, then that is actually a sign baby needs a swaddle more. A calm newborn is the only newborn who wouldn't benefit from a swaddle. The sensory deprivation has a significant calming affect.

With the dummy - keep trying!

Dummies are absolutely vital to no crying independant sleep. Try cherry teat dummies and try literally all the time - I'd consider a dummy as essential for a distressed newborn. As essential as calories, to put in context.

On from that - can you give me more details about the specifics of getting baby to sleep. What happens?

Finally - Baby sleeping on their front - especially a newborn baby - is a very large risk of baby dying from SIDS. It's unsafe.

I do keep trying with the dummies.

In the day she sleeps in asking or pram when moving or if rocked then in someone's arms. Takes a lot of work. At night we feed to sleep at 9 ish and sometimes she goes in the side cot for a couple of hours but not always, then I feed her when she wakes and try to put her back but she doesn't go so I co sleep and I feed lying down on demand which is quite a lot so I don't sleep very well.

Asking is supposed to be sling