About to start Ferber method, good news stories needed

[GemmaRuby]

My 6 month old DS has never been a good sleeper, used to wake every 1-3 hours. Now he stirs every 35 minutes and if I don’t put his dummy back in he will wake fully and cry. He will not nap for longer than 35 minutes.

We also feed him every 3-5 hours at night (formula) when he won’t go back to sleep with the dummy.

Writing it out sounds ridiculous, but the reason for the frequent night feeding is that he had severe reflux so we had to feed little and often. He is genuinely hungry and night, it’s not just for comfort.

Recently been diagnosed with CMPA and started special milk. Sickness has reduced. Now I’m confident he’s getting enough in the day we need to feed him less at night.

He is easy to get to sleep (rocking and dummy) - takes 2 minutes, and then put him in cot asleep.

If we rock without the dummy he screams. When he stirs in the night (every 35 mins) he can’t go back himself because he is used to dummy and rocking.

This week we’re going to slowly reduce the amount we’re feeding him at night.

Planning to start Ferber method next weekend. I’ve researched other methods but it’s the only one that will teach him to go back to sleep on his own with no dummy or rocking.

Any advice appreciated.

p.s. he is nowhere near putting his dummy back in himself. When he wakes he just lies on his back and then starts fussing and then crying, he doesn’t try to find the dummy.

No advice as not there yet but good luck!

Best thing we ever did. After two hours my baby slept 12 hours a night.

Was previously sleeping one hour. This was 18 months ago now and he is the best sleeper you could imagine.

Two days*

Be careful, lots of judgemental mums on here who say it's because you've ignored them etc. My son is a well rounded two year old and has no attachment issues etc because we let him cry it out for an hour.

Drink gin. I think the thing with Ferber is it’s utter torture for you for 3-7 days but then it’s over.

If you need help understanding the evidence base and benefits of sleep training, Emily oster’s book cribsheet has a really good summary that doesn’t make you feel too negative about things!

I did a much softer version, so never went longer than 3 minutes leaving him, and that was at 9 months old. I think 6 months is still too young, sorry.
So I comforted, rocked, sang song etc (but didn't allow to fall asleep in my arms), would put him down if not crying. I never went in more than 3 times. Couldn't believe how quick it worked. He slept through on day 2

@GemmaRuby

p.s. he is nowhere near putting his dummy back in himself. When he wakes he just lies on his back and then starts fussing and then crying, he doesn’t try to find the dummy.

Well, he is only six months old. You're expecting quite a lot of him there, poor mite! Lots of them don't have the motor control to replace a dummy yet.

You don't teach them to sleep by leaving them to cry, you teach them to stop crying. A bit of empathy for them- they're entirely helpless and programmed to seek out adults for protection using the only means available to them- crying. You put them behind bars on their own and crying is an entirely natural response. Also, I'd be wary of the whole, 'by six months they should be able to go this long without a feed at night' thing because everyone is different and some people fall outside the typical range. Obviously, do what you want, it's your kid and studies indicate it won't cause any measurable long-term damage, but I would urge you to think about it from the baby's POV.

@ThirdElephant the dummy comment was because I’ve seen a lot people on here say just wait till they can put their own dummy back in. And that’s not really an option.

I am thinking of it from my baby’s POV. When he goes to sleep he is being held and has a dummy. When he wakes in the night he is in a crib with no dummy. I have been teaching him he can only sleep if I shove his dummy back in immediately. It’s not good for him to waking every 35 minutes.

We will still feed at night, but not as much now he can tolerate more in the day.

I do appreciate you disagreeing but not being horrible about it, thank you

I thought the creators of it no longer recommend it for babies under 1.

Thanks @limerencelarry. Glad it worked for you. My concern is the older he gets the harder it will be. And none of us can tolerate waking up every 35 minutes for much longer. And it is every 35 minutes, all night. No exaggeration.

Ferber method with 5 month old www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/4296277-Ferber-method-with-5-month-old

Don't know how to link but this thread has helpful feedback. I commented on it to say it was the best thing I ever did with all my three at around the same age. You need to be determined! Good luck OP

@BridgetGetTheGin

Be careful, lots of judgemental mums on here who say it's because you've ignored them etc. My son is a well rounded two year old and has no attachment issues etc because we let him cry it out for an hour.

How would you know if he has attachment issues at 2? I don't think you understand what attachment means in this context.

Tbh I’m not a fan of this method, but every 35 mins would absolutely break me and I totally sympathise op.

I would go for it tbh. Give it 3 days and if he’s not settling you know it isn’t working for him, and to try something else.

This is why we never did a dummy. Although they just used my nipples instead. I absolutely sleep trained and it was the best thing I did.

Thanks @heinztomatosoup just had a look at that thread, very useful

I did this at 10 months with DS1 and honestly I wouldn’t do it again, with DS2 I never sleep trained & wouldn’t do it with DS3 either. Just as a cautionary tale I guess, it could be unrelated, but he is by far the most emotional with attachment issues (cries when his dad goes to work, doesn’t want to go to bed or be left in the dark etc).
I remember sitting on the stairs & crying because it was breaking my heart but still continuing, such a strange scenario.
It did work though after a day or two 🤷‍♀️

I’m sorry, but I’m one of those ‘judgemental’ mums that @BridgetGetTheGin talks about, and I’m proud of it. Leaving a baby on it’s own to cry doesn’t teach them anything but that you have abandoned them. If you are fine with doing that to such a tiny baby, then crack on. But don’t be under any illusion that what you are doing is helping him. Wanting food and comfort throughout the night is entirely normal and natural - what’s not natural is denying a small creature those basic needs.

And I say this as a mum to a 7-month old DD who is an horrendous sleeper. But I will always, ALWAYS, go to her when she cries.

Completely appreciate what you’re saying @canyoutoleratethis.
He sleeps in our room so we will be there, but at the moment I have never even given him the chance to try to stay asleep by himself because I just put his dummy straight back in.

If he just woke every few hours for feeds that would be fine. And we will still feed him at night.
But it’s not good for him to wake every 35 minutes at the end of every sleep cycle and be incapable of connecting to the next sleep cycle himself because he is so used to me putting his dummy back in and shushing etc.

I had the same opinion as you did until he started waking every 35 minutes and I read Dr Ferber’s book. I know frequent night wakings are normal and healthy, but every 35 minutes is not normal or healthy.

@canyoutoleratethis horses for courses. I agreed with you, until I realised this was going to be YEARS and all my child wanted when they dried was to suckle back to sleep because they didn’t know another way which was MY fault.

I always went to my child when they cried, but I stopped giving the boob when I knew they weren’t hungry.

They learned to sleep, and I was happier having more sleep myself.

You do you, boo.

P.S my friends who didn’t, still have awful sleepers and they’re at primary school. I couldn’t do that.

We did the disappearing chair method which is gentler than Ferber. Basically you're there with them but not rocking or shushing just occasionally saying it's sleepy time of similar. When waking in the night we left it a few minutes then went in gave a hug and then sat next to the cot until he fell asleep again. Each night you move the chair further away. Took 3 days to sleep through the night.

I absolutely understand @GemmaRuby. You obviously care for your LO a very great deal - you can tell that from your posts. But sleep deprivation at that level is fucking awful. I honestly have been there. The 4-month regression hit us terribly and we had 40-minute wakings. It calmed down, only to return at 6-months when my DD just would not sleep more than half an hour at a time. It makes you think you’re going to die. Mine wouldn’t take a dummy, but would want boob at every wake and I would often sob to myself in the early hours feeling nothing more than a human dummy to this creature that was torturing me. It was awful. But it was just a phase. It felt like forever at the time. But it wasn’t. It did pass eventually. And now she’s back to doing 2-3 hour stretches again. I don’t doubt that they’ll be more shit bits to come (I’ve heard horrible things about an 8-month regression), but I will get through it like I have with the others. And I take comfort from knowing that my LO will always have her mum there during the night for whatever she needs. Because I don’t think you can spoil a tiny baby, and I don’t believe in rods for your own backs. Our children are only this small for such a short period of time, so I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to meet her needs. Some may think that’s foolish, but I don’t care as I know I’m doing what’s best for her. When she’s older and able to cognitively understand things better, only then would I even contemplate doing anything about her sleep

@FluffyTeddyBear I agree with, you do you!! I guess I don’t agree that at 6-months you know for sure that they’ll be problems years down the line, and if there were, it’s developmentally more appropriate to address problems with an older child, when they can understand they’re not being abandoned. A tiny baby has absolutely no idea why you won’t go to them when they cry, and the very idea of that breaks my heart

The Ferber method is NOT leaving them on their own to cry, it is a method of reassurance after giving the baby an opportunity to learn how to self sooth and self calm. In the same way we progressively teach our babies the skills to navigate the world, the Ferber method gives them the skills to sleep by gradually getting them used to the conditions to sleep alone. These are skills all children need to learn and whether they learn at 6 months or 6 years, will influence whether they and you have a happy, rested few years or everyone is exhausted and cannot enjoy this time to the full. Again, best thing I ever did for my family

@heinztomatosoup

The Ferber method is NOT leaving them on their own to cry, it is a method of reassurance after giving the baby an opportunity to learn how to self sooth and self calm. In the same way we progressively teach our babies the skills to navigate the world, the Ferber method gives them the skills to sleep by gradually getting them used to the conditions to sleep alone. These are skills all children need to learn and whether they learn at 6 months or 6 years, will influence whether they and you have a happy, rested few years or everyone is exhausted and cannot enjoy this time to the full. Again, best thing I ever did for my family

That all sounds great up to the point you expect a 6-month old to be developmentally able to comprehend any of that. At 18 months maybe. But at 6-months old, they’re incapable of that kind of cognitive reasoning. You’re abandoning them and they have zero idea why. You can try and find excuses to make yourself feel better, but don’t be under any illusion that a baby that small is able to understand. All they know is that it’s dark, they’re scared, and mummy isn’t coming. And I for one don’t care how many times I have to get up and night, I will never do that to my DD when she’s this small

Did it at 7 months and it was life changing. Took three nights. My now four year old is an awesome sleeper with two happy, well-rested parents.