About to start Ferber method, good news stories needed

[GemmaRuby]

My 6 month old DS has never been a good sleeper, used to wake every 1-3 hours. Now he stirs every 35 minutes and if I don’t put his dummy back in he will wake fully and cry. He will not nap for longer than 35 minutes.

We also feed him every 3-5 hours at night (formula) when he won’t go back to sleep with the dummy.

Writing it out sounds ridiculous, but the reason for the frequent night feeding is that he had severe reflux so we had to feed little and often. He is genuinely hungry and night, it’s not just for comfort.

Recently been diagnosed with CMPA and started special milk. Sickness has reduced. Now I’m confident he’s getting enough in the day we need to feed him less at night.

He is easy to get to sleep (rocking and dummy) - takes 2 minutes, and then put him in cot asleep.

If we rock without the dummy he screams. When he stirs in the night (every 35 mins) he can’t go back himself because he is used to dummy and rocking.

This week we’re going to slowly reduce the amount we’re feeding him at night.

Planning to start Ferber method next weekend. I’ve researched other methods but it’s the only one that will teach him to go back to sleep on his own with no dummy or rocking.

Any advice appreciated.

@BridgetGetTheGin

Be careful, lots of judgemental mums on here who say it's because you've ignored them etc. My son is a well rounded two year old and has no attachment issues etc because we let him cry it out for an hour.

How can you possibly tell at 2 years old?!

I’m only now working through attachment issues stemming from events that occurred at that age (2) 40 years later.

Good to hear some success stories. I do believe that he is young enough to get used to going to sleep in his crib quite quickly. We will be there to provide reassurance, but allowing him to learn to fall asleep himself.

DH has been ill so hasn’t done any nap times/ bed times for 3 days. Now he’s tried to put DS to sleep and DS is refusing for the first time ever because he’s got used to the idea (in just 3 days) that only I do bed times.

I’m taking it as a positive that he gets used to new things very quickly.

Life changing for me as well! Mine was a good night sleeper but had to be rocked and put down, I was very depressed at the time and this was obsessed with his sleep/naps and this was making me more ill.

We did less minutes than ferber said, and differentiated between different types of cries- whinging is different to being very upset. He took to it very quickly and is so much happier now, and goes to sleep very quickly. He also now does very long naps whereas before he only did 30 mins

To be honest, he didn't cry very much at all, far less than I worried, and probably being left to go to sleep when and how you want is much better than someone very depressed trying to force you to sleep by rocking

Do what suits you and your baby, what one mum and baby is comfortable and happy with will not be the same as another mum and baby.

Can't comment as never did the Ferber method - I did attachment parenting, co-slept for years and frankly I doubt it makes any difference at all!

DD is now 20. Is she wonderfully secure psychologically - don't think so. Is she much different from her peers (all of whom were raised using various methods - breastfed/bottle fed/co-sleeping/own cot)? Again, not really - they all have various issues.

I'm expecting my second child now (20 year age gap!) and I think I'm much more chilled about it all and much less judgmental than when DD was small. Do what you need to do and I'm sure your baby will be fine!

Life changing for me too, was brilliant

I never understand people commenting that babies are basically ruined by it. I’d say they’re far more distressed by years of not being able to sleep, only sleeping for 30/40 mins at a time etc than just a few nights of more crying.

Best thing we did. It took about 4 days but our DD's sleep is bomb proof now. We're all much happier and healthier with a full night's sleep! Top tip: (as previous poster has said) make sure you have a glass of wine during. You feel guilty waiting out those minutes before you can go in and comfort but ride out the storm as it's absolutely worth it 👍🏻 good luck!

I have done it. After exhausting all other options. I do believe in CC and think if you feel its the right option for you. I have never got to 7 minutes when I did it. But every baby is different. Took about 5 nights and peaked at day 4 I think it was.

I did it @ just over 6 months old because she literally wanted me to hold her all night, after doing independent sleep in cot. Which worked great for couple months. I had no problem helping my LO to sleep but it got to the point where I wasn't a very good mother, and something needed to change as in the end she wanted me to hold her chest all night, and when I did let go she would stay asleep less then an hour. She wanted me there all the time, it was either cc or cosleeping and my personal opinion is I will not cosleep.

Now my LO goes into her cot happily, rolls around for about 10 minutes and then goes sleep. Same with naps.

As I'm sure someone mentioned you won't receive great recommendation about the ferber method on here. People feel that lo will not cry if they need you, and has to be repeated through time etc. We'll my LO still shouts for me when she needs me, or if on the occasional she doesn't settle at bedtime I can go in there pick her up do a cuddle and pop her back down and she's OK with that.

I sat on the stairs eating ice cream when I did it 😂

Good luck OP!! I did something like the Ferber method with my 4.. Went in to reassure after 3 minutes, then after 5, then after 10. A couple of nights of adjustment and then we were all good. All grew into excellent sleepers who love their beds. All are secure, resilient kids who know they are loved.

I've done it with my first baby

Life changing.
Imo waking every 35 minutes is not sustainable for either of you. It sounds so hard and awful.
Babies do wake but every 35 minutes is a lot I think

We also did the disappearing chair, which is gentler and without rocking or dummy so maybe it fits your criteria.
We went from 12 wake-ups per night to 2 the first night, 1 the following night and zero within a few weeks.

What I did, and you could try, is doing Ferber (leave-return pat and reassure-leave-return pat and reassure- repeat until asleep) only in the evening when putting them to sleep but for middle of the night waking picking up and cuddling as much as required but not feeding.

The idea is to get them able to go to sleep on their own at the beginning of the night, and then once they've cracked that the nighttime wakings will spontaneously cease because they're caused by the shock of a transition from going to sleep in your arms but waking up in a cot. Ferber likens it to an adult half-rousing in the night to find some maniac has stolen their pillow/moved them to the bath.

I think that if you can get away without having them cry in the middle of the night it's well worth avoiding for everyone's sake.

I did find it worked like that but my DC were ten months old.

@TheNatureOfTheCatastrophe that does sound less disruptive. Did your DC have a dummy?

I think his reliance on the dummy is going to be our issue, we’ve never got him to sleep without it, even cuddling/rocking. So if I still gave him the dummy in the night I think he’d still wake frequently once it’s fallen out.
And if I don’t give the dummy in the night then my cuddling/rocking will be futile because he will scream anyway, so may as well do full Ferber.

We found doing it at nighttime putting them down meant they didn’t wake in the night unless hungry and they learned to self settle for naps.

@canyoutoleratethis but you do go to them when they cry. You just don’t plug them with a dummy / boob.

My eldest is now in junior school and has no recollection of us spending 2 nights doing controlled crying. Our bond is fine, we have a great relationship, they are happy, rounded, confident. They are happy to stay away from home at grandparents / friends, went to nursery just fine, comes to me if they have an issue etc etc. It was right for us.

I'm not judgemental as a previous poster said, and I do emphasise with your situation. In fact I have used this method with excellent results within 2 days for my 18 month old. But I do feel that 6 months is a bit young to be honest

I did ferber with dummy. Worked fine. Zillion dummies dotted around her. Took one night and now finds dummies by herself. Occasionally loses all of them.but not often x x

@MuslinsRLife

I did this at 10 months with DS1 and honestly I wouldn’t do it again, with DS2 I never sleep trained & wouldn’t do it with DS3 either. Just as a cautionary tale I guess, it could be unrelated, but he is by far the most emotional with attachment issues (cries when his dad goes to work, doesn’t want to go to bed or be left in the dark etc). I remember sitting on the stairs & crying because it was breaking my heart but still continuing, such a strange scenario. It did work though after a day or two 🤷‍♀️

This struck a chord with me as this was my experience too. Ds1 (now 8) was sleep trained and he is now my sensitive anxious one. We didnt sleep train ds2 (4) and really went through it all with him - , contact naps, rocking to sleep, co sleeping, lying on his floor holding his hand, stroking his hair, slowly leaving the room etc. Even now at 4 i sit with him at the end of his bed until hes asleep. Takes about 5 mins. We wont be sleep training dd either - shes 5months. (Shes our best sleeper so far and has slept through most nights since about 2 months - some kids just sleep better than others, it's nothing you are doing!)

Im not judging because I did it too because we were desperate but I just want to suggest trying the gentler methods before writing them off and going straight to this at just 6 months old. The reason I say this is that nothing you read online or in a book will prepare you for how you will feel when you're sat at the top of the stairs or outside their door listening to them crying. Or the whimpering sounds they will make all night when they do eventually "settle" for the night. The guilt is awful.

It's not easy at this stage and feeling like you're in the trenches. Whatever you decide, good luck.

So - a miracle has occurred!
We weren’t planning on starting anything till the weekend but in preparation I had reduced the amount of rocking - more just like holding him to get him used to going to sleep without motion.

On Monday night he was so relaxed that I put him in the crib awake… he chatted to himself and played with his dummy for half an hour and then went to sleep!
On Tuesday I tried this again, he cried a little bit so I took him out, burped him and resettled him and he went to sleep in his crib again.

He has still been stirring in the night but is now going back to sleep on his own much more without me putting his dummy back in.

Going to continue with pick up put down and hope that his night wakings keep reducing as he gets used to putting himself to sleep.

Will keep full Ferber as a last resort, hopefully we won’t need it.

Fantastic, delighted for you OP

Absolutely thrilled for you OP! And more evidence that babies will all get there when they’re developmentally ready! Now enjoy the rest, it’s very well deserved!!

Thank you :)

I do agree that he is now developmentally ready in the sense that I have tried to teach him to go asleep in the cot before and he hasn’t been able to.

But what we are doing is still sleep training (teaching him to fall asleep independently) and it’s directly resulted in fewer night wakings.

For now. ;)

Baby sleep is not linear by any means.

Absolutely! I’m under no illusion this is the end, I’m just pleased we’ve been able to make a step in the right direction.

No one in the history of the world ever expected babies to sleep alone until wealthy Victorians and even then they usually paid a nursemaid to be a ‘rocker’ and rock the crib at night. Babies biological norm is to be with their mother at night. I’m not judging you, just keep that in mind as you go through this process. It’s normal for your baby not sleep well on his own but I know there are mums who have success in helping their babies adjust to modern expectations. The gentle sleep solution/the no cry sleep solution might be a bit more work for you in the short term but you could consider it a long term investment in your babies health. There are studies that show links between crying it out and depression/anxiety and low self esteem in older children and adults.

There are studies that show links between crying it out and depression/anxiety and low self esteem in older children and adults.

Ferber method isn’t cry it out