I can’t do this anymore

[Findingahappyplace]

I just want to jump off a bridge. I want it all to be fucking over. I can’t fucking take it anymore.

I'm currently up with my 18 month old and have been up every hour since 11.30pm switching between my 4 year old and 18 month old so I feel you. They both only want me. My husband can sometimes settle the eldest but it can be hard work, he's autistic and is very clingy to me. My youngest is teething so is even more restless and can't switch off. As annoying as it is, it's just a phase. We've had a month of being wide awake between 1-4am but he's snapped out of it. Hes been awake since 4am this morning but it's because he's been so unsettled. Have you tried supper before bed if he's complaining he's hungry? Could he be getting his back molars and that's hurting him? It's always worse at night. These 2 have had sore throats too in the night, but I've only really guessed it because they've been snotty and I've had a sore throat too.
Sleep deprivation is so hard. Have you spoken to your GP or HV? Where I am, the children's hospital do a sleep clinic.

God I remember that feeling I remember at about that age having been up 9 times on one night. There are 15 months between my 2. My work suffered horribly. I was scraping through the days.

ExH did before midnight and after 6am. I did everything in between. Might that work for you? And I slept every afternoon nap on my days off because it was the longest.

You poor thing. Could you pay for a sleep consultant or the app Huckleberry does a sleep plan for £12.99.

If you don't want to do controlled crying what about gradual retreat? It sounds to me like your LO needs to know how to self settle so I would focus on changing how he falls to sleep in the evening.

I do sympathise my 20 month old has been getting up at 4am and it is awful.

Does he have a night light in his room? If he’s scared of the dark that might help.

It sounds like he goes to sleep ok. Tonight can you just go to bed when he does so you can get some rest. Try that for a few nights
Then you need a plan and you need to be consistent with it for one week minimum to give it time to work.
How does he respond to rewards for good behaviour? If you haven’t tried that with him yet, try it for a daytime thing to see if it gets his attention. Then try it for night
Or you could try the supernanny approach of giving minimal attention.
If co sleeping doesn’t work what about putting a mattress in the room by his cot so he knows you are there but can’t keep you awake by fidgeting.

I don’t know your financial situation but you could look into paying someone to help. If it saves your mental health and saves your marriage it would be worth every penny.

@jemjems89 Sorry you’re having a hard time with it atm aswell. And with 2 aswell.
He has his dinner quite close to bed time, but he has been saying he’s hungry all the time recently. He just eats non stop. Although last night he barely touched his dinner which was unusual, I don’t know if that has something to do with it or not.
I haven’t spoken to the GP, I keep saying I’m going to but putting it off as I don’t like bothering doctors if I can help it. Although I think it’s got quite desperate now so I may have to ring up Monday if things haven’t improved over the weekend 😴

Your husband needs to be pulling his weight. My child is similar and no way could I survive without my husband's support.

Book yourself into a hotel for a night (I did the local premier inn!), Get yourself some decent sleep and then formulate a plan with your husband. Trying to sleep when your child is kicking off in the house is worse than just staying awake. Husband can take child out for a few hours too, especially at the weekend. He just needs to get on with it

My daughter was like this aged two and then suddenly out of the blue one day it changed! Please hang in there and be easy on yourself. Just so that u get some sleep can you give him a phone and let him watch bing or whatever on YouTube? My daughter used to sleep next to me with her phone. Atleast I'd get some sleep that way.

Don't ever both of you stay awake when your child is awake. Always take turns. He sleeps for an hour whilst u look after child and then it's his turn to look after. Make sure you do the routine of brushing teeth, toilet, and bed every night. If he's hungry take a snack to bed and then make him gargle his mouth.

Pay for a sleep consultant it cost me around £100 best money I’ve ever spent but it needs you both onboard and both helping each other

If you have the money, I'd fork out for a sleep consultant. Nothing like someone giving you a specific plan and telling youb it will work.

DH shares in this problem, even if DS doesn't like it - he doesn't get to choose which parent cares for him at any given moment.

If also get counseling about your childhood if you can afford it. I imagine that after neglect is hard to know where the line is between not caring for your child and going too far in letting your child call the shots because you're afraid of your child having unmet need.

My DS is still like this at 4, although he does have autism and SEN. I have found if I can just keep him in bed, there’s a tiny chance he’ll go back to sleep. I have a YouTube playlist on my phone and stick that on, and doze next to him - can you try that?

This needs to stop, you are no longer talking about a baby, he's two.
Make sure he has a good meal, about an hour to ninety minutes before bedtime, as his blood sugar levels will be at their peak and make him sleepy.
Then do the bedtime routine, and leave. If he cries, he cries. He'll stop when he realises he isn't claiming your attention. It might take a few nights, but he should eventually get the message.
As others have said, book yourself into a hotel for a couple of nights and let your husband take over, just so that you can recharge your batteries.

Ah op sending sympathy. Both of mine were stupid sleepers and I really have been there. I worked with a sleep consultant with ds when he was 10m and with Dd when she was 4yo, she ended up on melatonin prescribed by the doctor but actually psychological things and a weighted blanket made more difference. They're 6 & 4 now and usually sleep through, ignoring the 5:45 start!

Is he just turned 2 or going on 3, as that'll make a difference to the advice. I have seen what you've said about wanting to support him in the night and being worried about crying. I do think that you need to accept that you may not resolve this without tears. But that doesn't mean you can't resolve this. You will need your dh too.

@Findingahappyplace Sounds like 2 year sleep regression and growth spurt. Mine were constantly eating at that age, and not sleeping too, like they just couldn't switch off. They jumped up from 18-24 month clothes at 20 months straight into 2-3 and was in 3-4 just after 2.5. They grow so quickly, and it's also when they're learning the most skills, so they generally don't sleep as they're practicing those skills. Just be kind to yourself, keep telling yourself it's just a phase. And I agree with a PP, go to bed shortly after he's gone to bed, just for a few nights so you're at least getting a few hours before his first wake up. Don't both of you get up. If you get up in the night, he needs to get the morning shift, even if he's crying, tell him to give him breakfast and take him out for a walk, chances are he'll stop crying whilst out, and he may even have a nap in pushchair from being tired of he's been up in night, win win. Don't get me wrong it's hard when you know they're not settling but you need to try and get some sleep

I think in your shoes I would pay a professional to come in and sort this.

@Zanzibar55 Usually when he goes to bed at night he is quite good and generally first wake up he is ok as well. I leave the room and say I will be back in to check on him and after that he will go to sleep ok. Lots of reasons I haven’t just left him to cry before - like because he goes to sleep ok generally I was worried about upsetting that part of his routine (Does that make any sense?) and I worry about him maybe feeling poorly or being scared and just being ignored.
However, I am really desperate now, and maybe I need to just leave him to cry 😞 but I’m unsure of how to do it. Do I just say good night once and then leave him?
If he wakes in the night do I again just go in once and say good night, check he’s ok and then just leave him?
I think this is the only way forward for us now but I’m dreading it.

I think this is the only way forward for us now but I’m dreading it

Why isn't your husband stepping up?

@ThatsNotMyReindeer He has tried recently but just makes things worse 🤦🏻‍♀️ And I just end up having to take over anyway.

Just wanting to send some virtual hugs to you as I've been where you are with my now 8 month old. I think it's great you've reached out for help here.

When my eldest was 1 and growing out of white noise I used to play some soothing music to put her off to sleep then if she woke up during the night I'd just start playing the song again that she would associate with bedtime. Don't know if that would help at all?

It sounds really tough with the issues with your DH though. Can you both go through and settle together sometimes so he realises dad is capable as well?

@Findingahappyplace this will be the best £45 you've ever spent I promise!

justchillbabysleep.co.uk/our-courses/sleep-success-19-months-4-years/

If you go down the controlled crying route then you should look up the ferber technique online, read how it works and try the recommended interval checks. Write them on a pad by your bed. It's very similar in a way to what you do at bedtime, where you say I'll be back to check on you in X minutes. You'll be popping in every X minutes to provide reassurance. Have a plan for what the reassurance looks like. I would say don't get them out of bed. But don't lie them down either. Keep interaction to a minimum. Have a catch phrase like it's time to sleep now, see you in the morning. Repeat that. Yes, they might cry. In fact they probably will. But you won't be leaving them to cry unsupported. Ultimately you are supporting them to learn a new and extremely vital skill.

You will need to be prepared to keep at it for a few hours if necessary, as your little one might not take kindly to it. After all they're probably quite happy in a way with the current situation! I would say you need to give this two weeks. However I would be surprised if there's not an improvement after the first three nights.

@Orangeinmybluelightcup Thank you so much for your comments, they have been so so helpful. I looked up the Ferber technique this evening and decided to just go for it.
He has cried for 20 minutes in total and then gone to sleep.
I always thought he went to sleep quite well! But this made me realise I must give him a lot more time and reassurance than I realised.
I followed the intervals as suggested online which was really helpful aswell to have a bit of a guide.
And then followed your advice to just keep it short and sweet, didn’t lie him down, just told him it was ok and it’s night time now and left.
He was absolutely hysterical but has gone to sleep finally.
Will have to see how we go tonight! But at least I feel like I have a guideline for the night now that I can stick to and be consistent with rather than going in sometimes, sitting in his room, not sitting in his room etc.
Thank you so much.

Oh well done op, that's brilliant! Well done you! You can use the same technique if he's up in the night. So be prepared you might have a couple of nights where you actually get less sleep. But fingers crossed! Really positive start!

Glad it worked for you (so far). A lot of nonsense is written about sleep training around here and I wonder how many desperate mothers it’s needlessly put off.