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Original poster

Sleep deprivation - I want to kill myself

56 replies

Findingahappyplace · 17/05/2021 06:52

My son is 2 years old and does not sleep. He has finally learnt to go off to sleep ok without me when I put him to bed at night, but then he will wake at 10/11pm. I go in and settle him back to sleep. Then he will usually wake about 2 and won’t settle so recently have started to bring him in to bed with me, then he will usually be awake for an hour to an hour and a half. Then will wake every 30 mins, take ages to settle, and wake up 30 mins later. Then usually awake for the day at 5.30... 6am if I’m lucky.
I just can not take it anymore and I need some advice.
Last night and this morning I have finally cracked and completely lost it with my son. Shouting at him in the night. This night when he woke at 5 and refused to go back to sleep I just screamed and cried, which scared him and made him cry.
No one I know has had babies or children that don’t sleep through the night, and listening to all my friends say they ‘can’t relate’ because their child sleeps SO well, is not helping as I have no one to talk to.
I honestly don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I can’t take it anymore.

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 17/05/2021 07:01

Sounds like you need to do some sleep training for your own sanity to be honest. He must be exhausted from lack of sleep too. Im sure you'll get lots of different techniques from people, but I use the timed controlled crying with my DD and it's been a life saver, it can take a week or so to crack but if you hold strong its worth it. I'd settle DD down to sleep, when she woke up again I'd go in lay her back down with no holding, rocking, speaking or eye contact and leave the room. She'd stand straight back up and scream murder but I'd wait 2 mins before repeating. You double the time each time you go in (so 2 mins, 4 mins, 8 mins etc) until they're asleep. The first couple of minutes screaming is always the worst but it's just angry screams because they're not getting their own way. Obviously make sure he's not unwell when you do this and it may be a bit too 'hard core' for you, but it worked for us. Good luck x

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 17/05/2021 07:03

Stairgate on the bedroom door and leave him to it. Don't bring him in with you.

Does he sleep in the day?

Put a snack in his room when you go up.

fitzbilly · 17/05/2021 07:07

I completely relate to this! It's awful isn't it.

At 2 years old I sat my son down one day and said enough is enough. I told him fun boys on when he wakes in the night he has to study silent and go straight back to sleep, that I would stay in my own bed and at him in the morning. I was honest and said I couldn't cope any more and I need my sleep

It worked. He listened and he learnt to self settle. He still has nights when he wakes and calls for me, but I can go in and give him a hug and he goes back to sleep, and it only happens once a night if that.

He can also go to sleep himself after story time, instead of me lying there for hours.

You need to try sleep training. And you need to talk to him and explain.

fitzbilly · 17/05/2021 07:08

*from now on not fun boys

Dowermouse · 17/05/2021 07:10

I can relate, you sound done in. Give your ds a hug and apologise for being scary. It's a blip and you are an amazing mum.
My ds woke through the night and was up daily at 4am for 2 years. He's turned 4 now and I can hear him coming down stairs now, he went to sleep at 8 last night Brew

meringue33 · 17/05/2021 07:11

Sorry to hear this. It will pass, a day at a time. Don’t feel guilty for shouting, it happens to the best of us. If you feel like you’re losing control it is fine to leave son in his room and go downstairs and just breathe.
Have you got anyone who can take your son tonight so you can have a night off and just sleep? Can DH do tonight and you sleep in the spare room with earplugs? Or do you have a parent who could take him now indoor visits are permitted again?
Or even if someone could take him for a couple hours today and you go to bed to catch up.
My kids were awful sleepers and it did pass eventually. Hang on in there and remember Samaritans are there to help xxx

Original poster
Findingahappyplace · 17/05/2021 08:07

Thank you everyone for your kind comments and all the advice.
I will be taking the advice on sleep training.
I always put off any form of sleep training/CIO when he was younger because I read too many articles on how damaging it is Etc.
Now starting to think it is far more damaging for him to have a mum that is so sleep deprived and mentally and emotionally exhausted. As others have said I also don’t think it’s doing him any good for him to go without so much sleep either. He’s been so miserable recently, from the moment he wakes up he is just grumpy, so I think it’s best for both of us.
I gave him a big cuddle this morning after shouting at him and told him I was sorry, and told him I was tired but shouldn’t have shouted at him. I don’t think he really understood, but he seemed to accept it anyway. 😩
I just hope this works because I don’t know what I’ll do of it doesn’t. Sad
Thank you all for being so kind and understanding. ❤️

OP posts:
Scrunchies · 17/05/2021 08:15

@Findingahappyplace I can reassure you sleep training is not in any way dangerous. It’s a bit long to explain without waffling in a post, but the articles around the internet saying it increases cortisol therefore causes permanent changes to brain structure/function are essentially all based around a speculative conclusion by Dr Sears, to support his own brand of ‘attachment parenting’. Short version is it’s not been proven and is bollocks.

In my opinion, a good night sleep is vital for brain development and growth. Your son needs to sleep as much as you do. Sleep train.

PermanentTemporary · 17/05/2021 08:17

Sleep training at 2 years isn't damaging for anyone. It is quite hard to do when you're this tired though, and can take longer than you think, so write down a plan if you have to so you can help yourself stick to it. Agreed it's a good idea to explain the plan to him in a simple way.

BellaTheDog · 17/05/2021 08:20

Melatonin. It’s like a miracle. And it’s natural. I would recommend getting it from your GP.

MoreAloneTime · 17/05/2021 08:27

He's not a baby. I'm into all that attachment stuff with babies but it's not then same with toddlers at all. You're only human and you can't keep this up indefinitely.

Original poster
Findingahappyplace · 17/05/2021 08:43

Maybe I misworded my last post. Just to clarify - I don’t think sleep training is damaging now - to babies or toddlers. But I read far too many articles when he was younger about sleep training and there was a lot of negativity about it and about how ‘damaging’ it is to babies and even toddlers. I was sleep deprived and I think maybe had a bit of PPD/PPA so vulnerable to everything I read and so scared of hurting him in some way. I don’t believe that now. 2 years later I wish I’d never listened to it all. Personally I think 2 years of none of sleeping would have caused far more damage for all of us than a few nights of sleep training, but there we go.
Only reason we haven’t tried it sooner is because I just kept holding onto hope that he would finally sleep one day. Sometimes he would sleep straight through for a week and I would think we’d finally cracked it - then he would go back to not sleeping. When I finally felt like I was going to crack, he would sleep again, and I’d think, once again he’s cracked it.
Finally realised at 2, since he hasn’t slept through the night in a couple of months, that he’s going to need a bit of help.
I do like the idea of writing out a plan so I stick to it so will try that, and will explain to him what we are going to do.
Thank you again for all the advice and kind words, I really really appreciate it. ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Findingahappyplace · 17/05/2021 08:46

@BellaTheDog If sleep training doesn’t work then I think trip to the GP to enquire about melatonin is plan B - I’ve read a little about it so will look into it if sleep training doesn’t work. Thank you 😊

OP posts:
FAQs · 17/05/2021 08:46

You could start the sleep training tonight and check in on here for moral support whist doing it.

BellaTheDog · 17/05/2021 08:53

@Findingahappyplace I think given you are contemplating suicide, you should make it your Plan A! Honestly, it was life-changing for us.

ShirleyPhallus · 17/05/2021 08:57

I totally agree on sleep training, in my view it’s far worse for the child and parents to be crying every night and awake for hours at a time every night than to have a few nights of intensive crying to crack it

Sleep deprivation is the worst. Come back here for support if you want and I’d start it tonight.

The only thing is, you do have to be committed to not picking him up etc and just block out the cries but once you realise they’re angry cries rather than him being ill it’s much easier

Pleaseaddcaffine · 17/05/2021 09:03

Hello op your me! My son broke me utterly broke me up all night until 2 years old.
Sleep trained him and was nightmare hard but best decision ever. He now sleeps through and has for last 6 months.
Ds better and im better. It's god awful being that tierd and I early remmeber sobbing with exhaustion every night for weeks.
Ring hv, get advice and sleep train. You have got this.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 17/05/2021 09:04

OP do keep checking in here! We're all with you as you sleep train. You may feel worse short term but the long term gains are worth it.

FakeColinCaterpillar · 17/05/2021 09:11

Just remember he’s also probably shattered. He needs help to sleep for his own good too.

NameChange30 · 17/05/2021 09:11

Are you a single parent?
Not one mention of a partner and what he is doing to help you get some sleep?

Quillboard · 17/05/2021 09:15

Yes Sleep deprivation is brutal isn’t it!? You are not alone and it will most definitely pass Brew

otterinthestream · 17/05/2021 09:16

Definitely some sleep training! Don’t put a baby gate on the door though!

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 17/05/2021 09:18

Why not put a baby gate on? If they're in a bed it keeps them safe from getting out of the room. If they're in a cot obviously just leave them in the cot.

otterinthestream · 17/05/2021 09:19

It’s a bit uncomfortably like keeping them caged, herc, I suppose - put me in mind of the Radfords (I think) locking their children in their rooms. I just don’t like the thought of a toddler wandering round his room unable to get out I suppose.

Followtheyellowsicktoad · 17/05/2021 09:20

Huge sympathy op, I used to fantasise about having a mild but serious medical condition that required a few nights alone in hospital!

Others have given really good advice, all I have to add is the slightly gruesome question of could he have a worm infestation going on? When my child had worms she did this, difficult to get to sleep at bedtime and hard to settle if she woke in the night.