Sleep deprivation - I want to kill myself

[Findingahappyplace]

My son is 2 years old and does not sleep. He has finally learnt to go off to sleep ok without me when I put him to bed at night, but then he will wake at 10/11pm. I go in and settle him back to sleep. Then he will usually wake about 2 and won’t settle so recently have started to bring him in to bed with me, then he will usually be awake for an hour to an hour and a half. Then will wake every 30 mins, take ages to settle, and wake up 30 mins later. Then usually awake for the day at 5.30... 6am if I’m lucky.
I just can not take it anymore and I need some advice.
Last night and this morning I have finally cracked and completely lost it with my son. Shouting at him in the night. This night when he woke at 5 and refused to go back to sleep I just screamed and cried, which scared him and made him cry.
No one I know has had babies or children that don’t sleep through the night, and listening to all my friends say they ‘can’t relate’ because their child sleeps SO well, is not helping as I have no one to talk to.
I honestly don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I can’t take it anymore.

My son is 28 months and has never slept through. I completely feel your pain. We are awaiting Paediatrician appointment to see about Melatonin (can't get from GP where I am) and in the mean time he cosleeps with me. He still wakes about 5x a night but can snuggle in and resettle whereas when he was in his own bed he would be up and awake for hours at a time. Its not ideal but it's what is the least worst option currently for all of us. I do agree with everyone else here that it's worth trying sleep training but wanted to say that it doesn't always work and just to use your own parental instinct about if it is/isn't. We tried with my son and he got so distressed he made himself vomit. Turns out he later got diagnosed with ASC which may play into it but just to say, if I was you, I would not put all eggs in sleep training basket but maybe look for med advice ré melatonin at same time, in case sleep training isn't for your son. Good Luck, you have my sympathies and solidarity.

Also, my neuro typical daughter didn't sleep through reliably until 3 years old I think. So by mentioning my sons ASC above I'm in no way making inferences... some kids are just shit sleepers.

If you're desperate to sleep you could try a mattress on your bedroom floor. That's what we did with dd as I could cope with sleep training. So we put her to bed but there was a mattress and duvet next to me on the floor. If she needed us in the night she was allowed to pop in beside me. Worked well. We all slept and she barely woke us. Now at 12 I'm lucky if I see her!!

Couldn't cope with sleep training!

@Followtheyellowsicktoad I have wondered I’m the past whether there is something ‘wrong’ medically, and questioned if that’s why he doesn’t sleep. But he does seem to go off to sleep ok when I put him down at 7.30. I can shut the door on him and he will go to sleep quite happily, and he seems happy enough in the day 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s only when he wakes up in the night that we seem to have any problems, so I think he’s ok... just struggling to get to sleep on his own.
I am wondering whether I should take him to see the GP first to check all is ok before trying sleep training though. Or am I just overthinking and being a bit over the top anxious? 🤔

Thank you everyone for all the advice. Honestly feeling a bit overwhelmed (in a good way) by all of the support and advice from everyone.
I was thinking of starting sleep training Wednesday night as I have a job interview Wednesday morning and don’t want to be going into my interview at peak exhaustion - I feel like some sleep is better than none. But I plan to start Wednesday night and will definitely keep everyone updated with it - pretty sure I am going to need the support.
For those that have asked he is still in a cot atm, he can’t climb out yet so have kept him in it for now.

@Findingahappyplace I had a call with my GP first to rule out medical issues, it’s worth doing if it will put your mind at rest. The other thing I did was to take DD’s temp before bed, give her lots of food throughout the day so I knew she wasn’t hungry, and gave her calpol before bed too. I didn’t want to think she was in pain or hungry or crying out for any legit reason if I was going to sleep train!

I’d honestly start tonight if I were you. It is tiring to do but it’s no worse than what you’re in at the moment and you’ll probably feel better for tackling it

You could try a bed instead of a cot, with the sheets with bumpers on. My son slept a lot better in his "big boy bed". Good luck OP. Sleep deprivation is absolutely awful and so bad for the child too, you're completely right.

Agree in trying a bed. My some had an awful stretch of not sleeping. Once moved into a bed he was sleeping like a dream and could get more comfortable and stretch out.
It’s worth a try

Hm I have to say the worst patch of sleep problems we had was when I put ds into a bed - all of a sudden he could just get out of bed and find me, which he did...

You need to be mentally prepared for a really bloody difficult week when you start sleep training, which is difficult (understatement) when you're so tired. Once you start don't give in. Have you got support from Dh / dp?

I really wouldn’t move him to a bed yet. Get him used to sleeping in his cot when he can’t climb out yet

@ShirleyPhallus Thank you for all this. Really good advice. I’ll make sure to do all that because I would probably start worrying/ convincing myself that he must be ill at some point, so that will give me some reassurance that he is actually ok.
I do see your point about starting tonight but I think I will leave it until Wednesday night simply because I’m more likely to stick to it. I don’t want to get stressed out about interview on Tuesday night and cave in.

I think I am going to try keep him in cot for now, but if sleep training doesn’t work I will take others advice and convert it to bed and just see if that works. It’s a cot bed so could always just put the sides back on if it’s a complete and utter disaster I suppose?

Trying not to pin all my hopes on sleep training but God I hope this works!
Thank you all so so much for all of the support and advice and for helping to pull me out of a dark hole this morning! It means a lot x

Oh I meant to add because people have asked, I do have a husband, but he doesn’t help at night and sleeps in the spare room - only once in a blue moon he may do a night but it is very rare, because he can not handle sleep deprivation at ALL. He has a bad temper when he’s tired and it is far more stressful for me and far more worrying to me if he is sleep deprived. As much sleep deprivation is killing me, it is better than having him tired too. I hate typing this because that makes him sound like such a horrible, mean man and I can only imagine what people will think of him after reading that. He’s actually the loveliest most gentle man you would ever meet, but he just can not do sleep deprivation - it affects him terribly.
So I am definitely on my own for sleep training.

You're suicidal but god forbid he should be grumpy

I get that. My husband had major mental health problems and couldn't do broken sleep without a relapse. It is what it is.

Which is all the more reason why he MUST be on board with this. Discuss the plan, agree the approach. Another parent appearing and giving in just at the worst moment because they can't take the crying will break you both and ruin it. Honestly, consider whether he needs to stay elsewhere for a few nights, and I'm not kidding or letting him off. He MUST back you 100%.

You can perhaps tell im writing from experience there...

If he wakes at a specific time every night then you could try the wake to sleep strategy which can work for habitual wakings - it might help delay the first wake but probably wouldn't sort everything.

My DC went through a phase of waking up at 1am every night and coming in our bed so for a 3 - 5 nights my husband would gentle wake/disturb her when he came to bed at midnight which sort of broke the habit. She was 2.5 at the time .

Would you consider co/ sleeping OP? You could have a big old mattress (even on the floor!) and just all crash out... loads of room, safe as no one can fall out of the bed! I did it, it saved me

Good luck with the sleep training. I have also read a lot from well known sources about how damaging it is but I've also just read Emily Oster's Cribsheet and there seems to be no good evidence it is harmful and I can't see how being a tired toddler with exhausted parents is not more harmful than a bit of crying when not hungry in a comfort cot. I've just had my second child and will consider sleep training this time when she's older as everyone getting enough sleep is important for so many reasons.

Also if husband can’t/won’t do nights then maybe he could at least take DS on Saturday and Sunday mornings so you can have a good lie in. Sometimes an extra few hours a week makes all the difference to your mental state.

Good morning @Findingahappyplace, how did your interview go? Did you try anything with sleep training last night?

For what it’s worth, I personally think the act of sleep training is harder on the parents than the child, but my own version of being firm, allowing him to cry and shout for longer and longer periods always works with my son and seems to have no ill effects on him.

I wish you all the luck in the world xx

Thank you for all the advice ladies.
I’m sorry I’ve been late replying but both my son and I have come down with horrible colds 🙄😩. I was going to start sleep training last night but as we are both ill I am going to wait until we are both feeling better.
I will update when I’m due to start sleep training with him.

@BellaTheDog

Melatonin. It’s like a miracle. And it’s natural. I would recommend getting it from your GP.

Does that help if the problem is that your baby falls asleep ok but won't stay asleep?

@Ajl46 I haven’t tried it for a baby, but my older DS did not sleep, partly due to ADHD and partly due to the medication he was on. The doctor prescribed Melatonin and we never had another sleepless night. He goes to bed (voluntarily) at 9pm and sleeps through to 6am.

Melatonin was life-changing for us.