Cuddling 10 week old when co-sleeping? Pic included

[Crocodilian]

At my wit's end trying to find a way of sleeping while my 10-week-old sleeps. Have been really trying to follow safe sleeping advice but she just won't sleep in a carrycot/next to me, and won't co-sleep lying on her back, but sleeps very soundly when cradled in my arms. Up until now DH and I have been taking it in turns to do four hour shifts staying up with her round the clock with her sleeping on our chests but we're at breaking point.

What is it about cuddling the baby in bed that makes it unsafe? I'm just trying to work out how to reduce risk and whether it's workable as an option. Have attached a picture (random image from Google) of approximately what I did last night: baby's head on my arm, but my arm was cradling her back. I had my bedcovers wrapped round me like a bath towel at my waist so baby definitely couldn't get them over her. Baby had no covers over her and was happy with it. She was nowhere near my pillow. My knees were bent so I couldn't have rolled over her. DH asleep on sofa so couldn't hurt her. What am I not seeing? It's very like what we do when we stay awake with the baby sleeping on us, but just with me lying down and very lightly asleep!

Thanks! Am so desperate to find a way to not be sleeping only when my DH is awake with the baby as we're on our knees here.

And I'm now at you are failing!! We all do what we have to to manage and survive, literally!

@Giraffaelina

And I'm now at you are failing!! We all do what we have to to manage and survive, literally!

YOU ARE NOT FAILING

I've bedshared with my 14mo since birth. (My rod, my back, my business lol!) I do it basically in the position shown in the photo but instead of my arm being under his head I put it (bent) under mine.
It's normal for them to want to be on or near you 24/7 at the start, but doing it without support is exhausting. We were never supposed to raise our babies without the support of our "village" but in lieu of an in-person "village" I found it really helpful to join online groups that had similar babies or a similar mindset to me. If you're on Facebook, Desperately Seeking Sleep and The Beyond Sleep Training Project are good, or on Insta IslaGraceSleep, or nurtureneuroscienceparenting often has stuff on sleep too.

I read a book called Three in a bed by Deborah Jackson when I was expecting my first 30 years ago. I've just looked and it's still available on amazon and updated in 2003, so might be worth a look.
I co-slept with all of them. As a non drinking, not overweight breastfeeding mother, I found it straightforward and they would latch on themselves as they got older. I was never in a really deep sleep, but I didn't suffer the sleep deprivation that I keep reading about on here either.
I don't know what the current recommendations are, but just to say it worked for us, and I would highly recommend the book.

@Crocodilian, just wondering how things are and if the health visitor had any good advice or suggestions.

Thanks everyone for all the suggestions and messages of support.

Bit of an update – my baby (now 12 weeks!) seems to be getting the hang of being put down in her carrycot at night which is wonderful.

Tried a load of the suggestions up thread, but what seems to have worked for her (if anyone is reading this looking for suggestions!) is waiting until she is in deep sleep, checking with the arm drop test, placing her blanket (which smells of me as I snuggle with her and it during the day) around her back and letting it warm up so she's not being put down on the carrycot but onto the blanket, and only when she's deeply asleep with the blanket on her back am I putting her down. I'm sleeping on the sofa with the carrycot right next to me, so she knows I'm right there, and am able to replace her dummy the moment she drops it and shush/pat her if she stirs at all and I think that makes her feel more secure. It all seemed to click suddenly into place, and she accepted being put down more and more from a week or so ago, and the past three nights has slept in the carrycot from 11/12 at night until 8/9 in the morning which is amazing (barring feeding quite a lot, I think she's still got quite a little tummy but she's fairly small for her age so I guess that makes sense!).

It's also possible that she might have been experiencing silent reflux caused by dairy as I cut dairy out a few weeks ago and I know it takes ages to leave their system, so it could be that. Don't know if she was reacting to dairy or not, to be honest, but dairy is definitely not worth the risk so will just avoid it until she's weaned.

I'm well aware she's not been doing it for long so it might not last, but I got the longest stretches ever of sleep in the past few days, as did my DH who got solid 10h stretches of undisturbed sleep in bed both days this weekend, so we're both feeling quite refreshed.

My mental health referral has come through really quickly and I've got my first appointment Friday coming, which is much sooner than I expected. My mental health has been loads better since starting to get a little bit more sleep – it was EXTREMELY poor a couple of weeks ago to the point where I was worried I'd end up suicidal, but I think that it was entirely caused by severe exhaustion because I'm feeling basically 100% fine since being a bit more rested! It was crazy to go from sobbing/hyperventilating for hours through the night to sleeping and feeling completely calm in the space of a couple of days but I really do think it just shows how important sleep is for mental health.

Particular thanks for all the advice on safe co-sleeping, as once she's in a really good routine of being happy lying on her back, I'm going to try the next-to-me crib again, and will be happy to co-sleep with her in the bed if she won't go down in the next to me. Would really like to sleep in a bed again as I feel quite stiff after sleeping exclusively on our (very small!) sofa for so many days running, but so long as I'm getting sleep, I'm not complaining.

I also spoke to my parents about how hard I'm finding things and we've agreed to all quarantine completely for a fortnight after the baby's jabs this week coming so we know we're all covid free and then I'm going to stay with them for a couple of days for some extra support. Really looking forward to that. And just before I start quarantining, I've got a socially distant walk with a friend planned, which is going to be the first time I've socialised with someone except my husband since the 5th December, so I can't wait. Think I've been being a bit too cautious re: covid to the detriment of my mental health.

Sorry for the essay and for not replying to every poster individually; I really truly am grateful to each and every one of you who replied at a time where I was in such a dark place. I listened to you all and have looked at/will be following up on a number of the suggestions!

I am delighted to read your update @Crocodilian. It all sounds very positive

Glad to see you’re doing better OP. I remember the torture of sleep deprivation. You’re doing really well. The plan to get some support for after your baby’s jabs seems sensible in the circumstances.

@Crocodilian I just wanted to add that I have been in the same boat as you - I made a post before reading yours and noticed we are in the same boat. I’m glad to hear things have improved for you. My little boy is 9 weeks and will also only sleep when held or on my arm while co-sleeping as you have described. He does have reflux and refuses to sleep on his back. I’m going crazy from sleep deprivation. The only thing that has comforted me about co sleeping in this way (even though I’d rather not do it at all) is that the Baby Sleep Info Source (BASIS) include images of safe co sleeping and one of the images is the position described with baby asleep on side with head on mother’s arm:
www.basisonline.org.uk/co-sleeping-image-archive/

Here is the specific image: www.basisonline.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/sites/6/2019/03/WorthingtonVerity.jpg

@Crocodilian I'm so pleased to hear your update and that you are feeling better. Sleep deprivation is so awful and I was so hesitant to post on your thread for fear of making you feel worse. But huge well done on being smart enough to ask for help and on finding something that sounds like it's really working for you. And your plan to have your parents' support also sounds like a great one.

Is there any way you can continue with her sleeping in the carrycot while you are in your own bed? Even if it means placing the carrycot on the bed pushed against the wall? But of course, if it's working for you now, I know you won't want to jinx it!

Best of luck also for your mental health referral. It's so difficult for us to make ourselves vulnerable by asking for help, so I really admire you for that and I hope all goes well for you and your family.