Cuddling 10 week old when co-sleeping? Pic included

[Crocodilian]

At my wit's end trying to find a way of sleeping while my 10-week-old sleeps. Have been really trying to follow safe sleeping advice but she just won't sleep in a carrycot/next to me, and won't co-sleep lying on her back, but sleeps very soundly when cradled in my arms. Up until now DH and I have been taking it in turns to do four hour shifts staying up with her round the clock with her sleeping on our chests but we're at breaking point.

What is it about cuddling the baby in bed that makes it unsafe? I'm just trying to work out how to reduce risk and whether it's workable as an option. Have attached a picture (random image from Google) of approximately what I did last night: baby's head on my arm, but my arm was cradling her back. I had my bedcovers wrapped round me like a bath towel at my waist so baby definitely couldn't get them over her. Baby had no covers over her and was happy with it. She was nowhere near my pillow. My knees were bent so I couldn't have rolled over her. DH asleep on sofa so couldn't hurt her. What am I not seeing? It's very like what we do when we stay awake with the baby sleeping on us, but just with me lying down and very lightly asleep!

Thanks! Am so desperate to find a way to not be sleeping only when my DH is awake with the baby as we're on our knees here.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. How you are feeling is totally normal - I felt like that when I had both of mine and I didn’t even have a pandemic to deal with! I know it’s little comfort but it will get easier and this shitty phase will pass eventually.

At the moment it’s just about survival so don’t worry about the state of the house, sleeping routines or anything else. Just concentrate on cuddling your baby and sleeping when you all can

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Have you seen these things, OP? I wonder if she'd sleep in a next to me on something like that?

Thanks @PrimeraVez. I can't imagine how different things might have felt if there was no pandemic.

Also, ring the GP in the morning. It's not normal for her to sleep so little. I wish I'd got help with DS. She reminds me so much of him. It did get a bit easier at about three months in that he slept for longer periods.

I had a bouncy chair for DS, he tolerated sitting in that for brief periods so I could do things like quick shower (bouncy chair in the bathroom with me) or load the washing machine. I pretty much held him most of the time whether he was awake or asleep. Sometimes I'd prop him up in the Moses basket. I wish I could remember different ages, it's nearly 13 years ago. I do remember an improvement after 8 weeks and again at 3 months or so.

@Apileofballyhoo thank you for all the advice! We have a bouncy chair for her and she does happily stay in it for very short periods of time - usually when we eat.

We hold her for almost all the day/night. I'd say 95% of the time she's asleep and 90% of the time she's awake. But to be honest, she sleeps really well so long as we don't try and rock the boat and put her down. She has been asleep almost non-stop since 7.30pm barring feeding and crying when I tried to put her back down, although she has had two periods of about five to ten minutes of crying for no obvious reason.

Hadn't seen the wedge things but feel like I've read somewhere that they're not safe for sleeping although I'm happy to be told I'm wrong.

Would the GP be able to do something? I don't even know what I'd say - my baby wants to be held 24/7? The health visitor is coming on Tuesday.

Hey @Crocodilian I just wanted to send you a big virtual hug and let you know you're most definitely not a useless pile of shite mother. If you were you wouldn't be here asking for advice.

Sleep deprivation is truly awful and while it doesn't help you now it does get better.

@Poppyx7 Thank you so much

Sweetheart. You are not useless. Having a young baby who won't sleep well is AWFUL. So awful. I promise, it will get better x

GP might prescribe something for reflux. You definitely should not have to hold a 10 week old baby 24 hours a day, honestly. There's something not right.

I don't know if the wedge things are considered safe, but at least she wouldn't be up on your arm which seems to be unsafe for her breathing as previous posters said. With the wedge thing her neck would be in a straight line as her whole body is tilted up. Maybe somebody will come along and advise better. I'm sorry I'm not more help. I do know how awful it is.

@BritInAus Thank you , it's really nice just to hear someone say kind things.

@Apileofballyhoo please don't apologise, I'm so grateful to you for taking the time to help me. I know absolutely nothing about babies and sort of assumed that everyone else was just somehow magically managing this by willpower or a secret trick I'd not heard yet.

@Crocodilian so many of us have been where you are right now. there's a reason that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture! Please try to be kind to yourself. In the waiting time for 'proper' therapy, might you try talking to an organisation like Pandas if you feel your post-natal mental health isn't too flash?

Honestly, it is bloody terrible. I co-slept from about 12 weeks because I was at breaking point. There are definitely safer and not-safe ways of doing so. You aren't the only person in the world who has slept with a young baby.

No, nobody here can 'guarantee' safety, but many people do co-sleep. Wishing you all the best and promising life will feel more manageable once sleep gets better. Do push for help from your GP if baby really won't settle, and know that it won't last forever.

I slept like this with DC, and am thankful because when youngest was a few weeks I woke up with a start because he was silently choking but I could hear his breath stop and start. He was turning blue by the time I turned him over to hit his back to do the baby heimlich manoeuvre. No way would I have heard his staggered breaths of he was in the moses basket and not next to me.

You can't convince me that a sober breastfeeding mother co-sleeping is unsafe in any manner.

OP, I have an 11 week old DC2 who also does not sleep in her crib. My first was the same and I just muddled through somehow with her in the Moses basket but it was awful.

What works for us at the moment is a bedside crib with the side down (it's a Snuzpod) and my arm tucked under her bum where I can pat her if needed, with my head in the crib normally! It's so uncomfortable but I don't care as can sleep, and no risk of rolling onto her as she's in a separate crib. Sometimes it helps to roll her onto her side to settle but I do wiggle her back onto her back to sleep. (I wouldn't do this if you are utterly knackered though if you are worried about falling asleep with her on her side)

Because the side is down I generally follow the safe cosleeping rules, I do have a duvet but it's down so far it couldn't get in the crib and I wear a jumper to keep warm instead.

This has transformed our nights and she usually just wakes two hourly for feeds now, although she's been more unsettled tonight. During the day she sleeps almost exclusively in her sling or baby carrier at the moment which is very helpful for getting on with things with DC1 and around the house but it would be nice to be able to put her down somewhere one day!

Good luck, I know how very very hard it can be

Should say "does not sleep uncuddled in her crib"!

Oh OP this sounds utterly exhausting (well, beyond exhausting!). I had a hard time with my DS, so I do understand. Here’s some ideas that I would try:

Increasing the room temperature. I notice you say you have it at 16 C. My DD is 6 weeks old and our current room temp is 21.7. We have a plug in radiator on all night (we don’t have central heating and the electric storage heaters aren’t great). I know that the recommended temp is 16-20, but we discovered that our DS likes it much warmer than that (took us until he was 7 months and we were having a heat wave to work that out!), so we presumed DD might like a warm room too and so far she’s been a much better sleeper than her brother was.

A sleepyhead (think they’ve changed their name recently, but I’m sure you’ll know what I mean). Again I know their is advice against using them overnight, but we have ours in the next to me so it is literally right next to my face, DD can’t roll at all and stays in the same position in it the whole time she is asleep. They are designed so you can put them on the bed between you as well if you want, kind of like a way of co sleeping but it provides a shield around the baby.

Does she sleep in the pram? And if so can the bassinet easily be removed? Perhaps you could rock her to sleep in the pram, then carry the bassinet upstairs. Or if it actually works then take the whole pram upstairs! We found with DS that he did his longest periods of sleep in the bassinet (maybe felt a bit cosier and more contained than in the next to me).

I really hope you manage to find a way of getting some sleep. Whatever happens it will get easier in time, but I know that is little comfort now. Good luck

Op the risk of SIDS is 1 in over 3000 babies. Those most at risk are prem, in smokers homes, living in poor housing and poverty. Babies sleep in all sorts of unsafe situations across the uk every night. In beds with siblings, on sofas, with pets, duvets, drunken and drugged parents. Non of this is right but actually most of these babies survive. Risk is both likelihood and impact and you are right to be terrified at the impact of losing your baby. Losing your mind is hard to balance too.

There are many of us who have believe co-sleeping to be safe and kind and who have sometimes compromised it’s form until our babies have settled. Mine slept on my chest and sometimes on their side with their arm pulled out underneath them so they could t roll. It was my compromise but I was rested, I was on a flat mattress without duvets etc I made my compromise and it worked.

Use BASIS for reference, it’s all evidence based.

Today though just concentrate on sleep. Your partner cuddles and you sleep. Every ten minutes helps. Try a stretchy wrap sling so baby can sleep whilst being close to you. There are so many of us who have been where you are and who muddled through. You are doing your best - look at the evidence and make your choices, many other mothers will have made them before you. Your baby will grow out of this.

Sorry what I didn’t make clear was that the compromise isn’t because you decide your needs are more important it’s because as you become sleep deprived you become more likely to end up in the actively dangerous category of falling asleep whilst desperately tired on the sofa etc. The accidental sharing is always more dangerous.

I too slept with all 3 of mine from birth.
With my second, then midwife in the hospital tucked her in with me and told me she was a great believer in it. That was 12 years ago. Mine slept with me until they were 18 months. Dh on an air bed on the floor next to us.
I positioned my pillow lengthways to allow more space for baby and to minimise the risk of smothering. I also wrapped myself in duvet so that it wouldn’t go onto baby.
My arm was above the baby in a C position.
Looking back, it was one of the highlights of bringing up my children. Having that close early on.
Enjoy

OP, nobody wants their little baby to cry but honestly I think I would have her lying flat on the bed with you and try to get her to settle like that even if there is crying.
Will she settle while you are feeding her? So lie on your sides facing each other to breastfeed - will she fall asleep feeding while on the mattress rather than your arm?

Either alternative - you and your husband not sleeping for months or the baby sleeping scrunched up with a compromised airway - are worse options that crying to sleep while being comforted in my opinion.

I would also second speaking to your GP and trying reflux meds in case that makes a difference.

Hi OP

I know the feeling of.desparation. My baby sleeps exactly the same as your picture. Her head on my arm. It used to be the she was on her side next to me but I realised then she could roll in towards me and that could restrict her airways. She sleeps on her side with her head on my arm - she's 16 weeks. She also has all day naps in a sling.

Its absolutely exhausting - I know. Our dr says it isnt reflux so I'm just surviving best I can.

OP, I felt such a pang reading your update after my earlier reply. I know others have said it but it cannot be said often enough; you are not useless; you are clearly a loving caring mother desperately trying to do her very best for her precious baby. Please please speak to your GP about a PND screening and other possible supports. Sleep deprivation makes things so tough, so please seek out all help you can.

The sleeping on your chest is also considered less safe because the baby is in a prone position if you are laying down, or could fall if sitting up. There was also a horribly tragic case of a weight of a father’s hands on the baby’s chest inadvertently preventing the baby’s breathing.

On substance, some further practical ideas that might help - soother as I said previously, even if you have to persevere with it. Try stuffing the sheet from the crib down your top for an hour before bedtime so it smells like you. A tight tight swaddle if she’s still young enough for it. Slightly elevating the head of the crib by placing something underneath the mattress. Adding a light extra cardigan or raising the heating if the room temperature is low (yes overheating is also a risk, but it’s a balance). Getting lots of fresh air during the day can help too. And asking a GP for a health check in case there is a physical cause for the baby.

This is tough, impossibly so. I wish there was some magic recipe. I also hope fervently that this thread doesn’t make you feel bad or pressured or not succeeding. There is help; it’s not always obvious but please ask for it and I wish you every success.

@Crocodilian our DD was exactly the same. Wouldn't be put down at all, even for 5 minutes, or she would absolutely scream the house down. It didn't matter how long she'd been asleep, how gently we put her down, anything, she wouldn't sleep on her own. Could literally cry for hours, until she was sick. DH & I had to take turns eating, sleeping, everything. I had to cosleep with her as there we were on our knees, I was back at work after 8 months. Like your DC, once she was asleep, she slept really well.

It eventually got better. Going to nursery helped as she saw other toddlers having naps. Anything we could get her to do or engage in, that was fun but safe & where she could still see & hear us - a little ball pool with some soft toys in for example - allowed us to have a few minutes without the baby stuck to us. We used the sling a lot, she was much happier in there compared to a pram.

She dropped her naps really young, by a year old she was only napping when she was ill. But, she also started sleeping through really young, the first time was 4 months old.

I'm not sure about having your baby's head on your arm, I think they're supposed to lay flat. I think I slept in pretty much the same position other than that though. Me warmly dressed above the waist, duvet tucked around my midriff so it couldn't go over DD. I'm a pretty light sleeper & barely move in my sleep. DH banished himself to the sofa most of the time as he's a wiggly sleeper. Sometimes I took DD downstairs while I watched TV quietly, so he could get a decent night, & I had a long sleep the next day.

Hi OP

I'm back again cos I kept thinking about your posts

You are NOT failing at all!! You are trying to get your baby to sleep and for some babies that is a Herculean task.

Re risk. Please please remember that every parent takes calculated risks. One of biggest factors to reduce SIDS is breastfeeding. And yet the vast vast majority of babies in this country are formula fed. The safest way to travel with your baby is by foot. And yet the vast vast majority of parents put their babies in cars for trips that are not necessary.

Every single thing you decide from now on can feel so overwhelming but please dont think of it as pass or fail. Some bits are survival. Xx

Hi OP! There are always going to be people telling you you are not being safe with your baby and not following guidelines. My advice to you would be, you know your baby, use your common sense and create a safe sleeping space for you and your baby for the night.

My DH moved into the spare room when LO was 2 weeks old so we could have the king size bed to ourselves. He'd only sleep when he was cuddled (just like yours) so I put him down on my right side and whilst lying on my side, I slid my left arm under his knees, just below his bum, like if I was holding him with my right arm above his head. He slept through the nigh from 10 weeks(ish) and slowly I could get further and further away from him. I know this is not the way for everyone but for us, for our family, being able to safely sleep through the night and being rested was the most important thing. There was literally no one to help us during the day if we weren't managing as this was right at the very first lockdown last year.

He's nearly 1 and we are still co-sleeping. No sleeping issues whatsoever, he is a happy and content little boy. I actually grew to love our nighttime snuggles and being able to cuddle him back to sleep whilst not getting up is a bliss haha! I'm sure when the time is right, we will all move back to our respective beds, but for now, even Daddy is happy that he's not getting poked and kicked for his snoring haha!! Good luck to you xx