Is it really so bad to soothe a crying baby in the night?

[derbygirl23]

That’s it really - seeing a sleep consultant at the moment who has explicitly explained how bad it is to rush to a crying baby in the night as it will create a dependency on that and baby will not be able to self settle. Is it really so bad? It goes against all of my mothering instincts. Does anyone have a baby who self settles well but that they will give a cuddle to in the night when they are crying? Thanks!

thats very out of date advice. it's been proven that when babies learn to 'self soothe' through leaving them to cry, they do reduce crying but only because they learn that their parent isn't coming to get them and that they are on their own. they aren't actually soothed by it and can still be distressed. the cortisol levels are raised.
When babies cry they have genuine needs, whether that is hunger or just comfort, which is just as valid. Ignore the advice that you will create a rod for your own back and that the baby will be 'manipulative' as young babies aren't cognitively capable of thinking like that.

babies go through phases with their sleep as they are learning so much during the day. sometimes they will just cry more for a while or not sleep as well but the phase will pass.

@Ohalrightthen

I used to race to DD every time she cried in the night. Then one night, while trying to get to her, i tripped and ended up tangled in the duvet. In the 2 minutes it took me to get myself sorted, she'd gone back to sleep.

There is a big difference between a cry that says OH MY GOD I AM ALONE AND SO SCARED HELP ME MUMMY and a cry that says WHAT JUST HAPPENED i was asleep and now I'm awake oh that's weird... and after the second one, if you give them a minute to work it out, they can often go back to sleep.

Waking during the night is so normal. We all do it. As adults, we've learnt how to just roll over/readjust the covers/have a shuffle and go back off to sleep. Babies need to learn to do this too! But it's much harder for them to do so if you sprint in every time they grumble in the night.

this. Absolutely.

Of course the baby needs soothing, but it is fine to grizzle, wriggle and turn over.

There is a huge difference between grizzling a bit and crying.

Also, a lot depends on age. Pre 6 months babies are veyr different to post 6 months. Little ones have no concept of object dependancy, so when you aren't there,you have vanished- ceased to exist and they are all alone. Older babies know you are there, and are coming.

There is also a big difference between arriving and putting a hand on their back and shhhh
and picking them up and cuddling.

It depends what you want the outcome to be... I had same instinct as you, couldn't leave her crying.

We ended up soothing her in the night until she was, gulp, nearly 3 and half. We were knackered. But I don't regret it.

Maybe another way would have meant she slept better sooner. But I'm ok with that. And she's happy.

I have 3 kids. I always went to them if they were crying.

Look at the clock when your baby starts to cry in the night. If it’s a set time every time it’s just their body waking up after a sleep cycle. They can’t help it as it’s a habit. Wake up 15 mins before they are due to wake up and gently disturb them but not enough to wake up. They will go back in to another sleep cycle. It took us doing three nights of this untill dd3 slept through.

It’s called wake to sleep

Your sleep consultant sounds shit.

I don’t think you should ever do anything that goes against your instincts.

I think it’s weird how we as adults often don’t sleep alone but expect tiny babies to be completely independent in this aspect, and to ‘self-settle’ when they don’t actually have the resources to do so - they can’t adjust the temperature or get another blanket or have a quick drink or rationalise the scary dream they just had or whatever else it is that’s disturbed them. But we just expect them to lie there on their own in the dark and soothe themselves back to sleep? And if they don’t they’re not independent enough. It’s a really weird ask I think.

There are many more gentle approaches to sleep training than just leaving your baby to cry, and many people who don’t believe in sleep training at all. If your consultant is suggesting things that don’t seem right for you then maybe look into some other methods. Taking cara babies has been recommended to me, as well as ‘care it out’ so they might be worth a look? Personally I found The Gentle Sleep Book useful which does not have a ‘training’ approach.

I don't think it's fashionable to not let babies cry, it's just never been my instinct.

I also don't think it has as much bearing on sleep as people think, or a least it's overestimated. My DD slept wonderfully from very young. My two boys woke/wake (one is 12 months) more frequently. I soothed all of them whenever they needed it and we co sleep with the youngest.

They all got to a certain point of sleeping fine by themselves and went/go through the usual ups and downs or regressions.

I just don't have it in me to ignore a crying baby or child. It doesn't feel right and therefore I don't do it, simple as that really!

Poor bloody babies, this infuriates me.
There is no need to ever leave a baby to cry. Just no.

I have transitioned a non sleeping EBF baby from co-sleeping to cot to own room and nursery without ever leaving her to cry. It’s not easy but I would never have done it differently.

I agree with a lot of what you are all saying - DD is 7 months. Since starting the sleep training the difference has been massive in terms of her sleep so there are definitely pros to what we have been taught by the sleep consultant. I guess I am just wondering if I start soothing DD in the night will it damage how far we have come? DD has gone from needing the bottle to sleep and being rocked to sleep for naps in the pram, to pretty much putting herself to sleep for both bedtime and naps. Only thing is she sometimes cries out in the night and all I want to do is cuddle her! But also don’t want to go back to where we were before as DD is finally getting the sleep she needs and is a totally different, happier little thing! Bit torn as you can tell.

Also, i don't mean to be nasty but I don't understand with the obsession of getting small babies into their own rooms. Mine have all be around 18 months.

@derbygirl23 sorry that last comment wasn't aimed at you btw juat general musings!

I do understand your predicament. I would assume it would be fine at this age. She's probably a bit little to be making the connection between bed time and night wakings ITSWIM? Hopefully more experienced people than me can answer :)

I count to 10.

Sometimes they're just making noises on the night, both like to do a random scream. Of o rush in I end up disturbing them. So I lie there and count to 10 and of they're still upset at that I'll go in.

Exceptions are PROPER cries which I go to straight away.

I'm not going to leave a baby who's none verbal l, with poor comprehension skills acre because I want to teach it a lesson

@derbygirl23 i’d bet that all of that would have happened by itself. They improve without any help as they grow! The training is just to make money out of parents who feel they need to “do something”.

@PearlescentIridescent no offence taken we are all passionate mums here with lots to learn and share. Except me who has literally winged it for the past 7 months

@Ohalrightthen this is great advice, thank you.

All my 3 gals co-slept & breast fed on demand up to about 1.5yrs old, it stopped naturally no pressure.
They are all fine!
In fact they are more than fine they are all super confident & top of their class children & parents evening I am told to go for 11+.
There is NO harm in molly-coddling & over loving a child in fact it helps them I want to be close & I want them to feel they can come to me when they are older!

Its so normal & natural to create a safe place & a bond

I guess it all depends what you're comfortable with. We did sleep training with our baby and it literally saved us. Every time we have a bump in the road I wait 2 mins, go in settle her down with no cuddles or talking, then wait 4 mins, 8 mins, 16 mins etc. It also depends on the cry, if she's ill, I'm there in 2 seconds flat, if I go in there and she stops crying immediately I know she's playing games and just wants to party! If all is well with baby though, I'd stick to what you've been doing.

I agree that your dd would have naturally improved at soothing herself and sleeping better as she developed.

I don't know, I think sometimes an opinionated "sleep consultant" could make you lose confidence in yourself as a mother. You're asking on here if you are essentially "allowed" to soothe your own baby in the night.

Of course you can, you've done an amazing job being her mother so don't let an outsider destroy your confidence in your own instincts!

maybe you can sack her off now things are improving

As PP have said, they're a baby, of course they should be dependent on you and it was almost physically painful if I wasn't with DS when crying, but at that age, we were bedsharing and BF whenever etc.
Gradually , he's got better on his own and as he's got older, he's woken less and as he's become verbal, it's easier to know that if he is crying, he probably does really need us. But if I can hear him shuffling around on the monitor and starting to get upset, I do now try to go sooner rather than later as it's usually easier to bring him down after the nightmare etc.
But that's been gradual and unforced, taking his lead.

I'll echo that if it doesn't feel right, it's not right for your family. There are other ways other than leaving babies to cry on their own. May not be as quick but often sit better with a mother's instinct. Try Lyndsey Hookway on IG (and she has one or more books about sleep)

Just co-sleep. More people do it than you think. It’s a bit taboo, but normal for most of human history and most people living across the globe today.

Put baby to sleep in the cot. When baby wakes up take her into bed with you. When baby stops asking in the night, she will no longer come to bed with you. Problem will resolve itself naturally.

I sleep trained all of mine but I never left them to cry alone. There are ways to sleep train without leaving them to cry.

@3WildOnes would you be able explain how if you have time? Thank you

We did a mild sleep training, we settled her but never picked her up, we left her to whinge for a minute and then 2 mins etc and added a minute on each time, I could always tell if she was crying because she was tired or because she was genuinely upset and something was wrong. I think you learn the difference between a cry because they're a bit dazed and have unexpectedly woken up and are tired, or a cry because something is wrong, and it's completely up to you if you leave them, what amount of soothing you do and what you're comfortable with. DD has good nights and bad, but she does go to sleep by herself very quickly now at 13 months and has since she was around 7 months old

I never left my dc to come dc to cry, night or day they were tended too and I haven no regrets about that,

I've never left my babies to cry, if DD2 wakes now I will give her a couple of minutes to see if she will go back asleep on her own but if she seems like she needs a cuddle, maybe a wee or a drink of water then I'll go in and do that. If she woke up actually crying I'd be in there like a shot. DD1 was a great sleeper (for a breastfed baby, certainly not one of these magical 9-9 by 4 weeks old babies but I was never truly sleep deprived) and I never ever left her to cry for a second. DD2 isn't great but I'd have to be absolutely desperate before I'd put us both through any kind of cry it out sleep training. Some mums are desperate and I totally understand them resorting to it if things are really bad but it seems like an absolute last resort to me rather than an active choice you'd make

It depends what she means. When ds was a baby (now 2 years old), I used to let him grumble for a few minutes before going to him. I did this only after I learnt the difference between his calling cries and his half-asleep grumbles. Initially, I would rush to him as soon as he stirred and I’d end up startling him. That, or he would moan tiredly before falling asleep and I didn’t realise at first that they weren’t real cries for me until I saw his eyes flash wide as I lifted him from the cot!