Is it really so bad to soothe a crying baby in the night?

derbygirl23 · 2021-01-21T18:57:17+00:00

That’s it really - seeing a sleep consultant at the moment who has explicitly explained how bad it is to rush to a crying baby in the night as it will create a dependency on that and baby will not be able to self settle. Is it really so bad? It goes against all of my mothering instincts. Does anyone have a baby who self settles well but that they will give a cuddle to in the night when they are crying? Thanks!

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WalkingAfterMidnight · 21/01/2021 19:00

A baby can’t understand the difference between day and night. I didn’t sleep train and I co-slept and fed on demand.

They are 16 and 10 now - it’s been about 6 or 7 years since I needed to settle them in the night 😆

Really what I’m saying is that babies cry for all sorts of things - and if they just want affection and compassion and company then that’s ok too. That is one of their needs that you’re meeting.

LizFlowers · 21/01/2021 19:01

I think it would be bad not to soothe a crying baby at any time.

Findahouse21 · 21/01/2021 19:03

With dd1 I ran to her everytime she stirred. With dd2 I let her grumble without running in, but do go at the first sign of proper crying. Both are pretty shit sleepers!!

Cleverpolly3 · 21/01/2021 19:04

I’ve never been able to ignore it
Not sure if I would want to

How bad are things and how old is your baby?

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 21/01/2021 19:07

@LizFlowers

I think it would be bad not to soothe a crying baby at any time.

I agree with this. But I think there’s no magic way of reconciling that motherly instinct with the need to rapidly get more sleep, I’m afraid. It’s a really hard choice to make.

Mine are 8 and 2 now. DC1 was diabolical until 2.5. DC2 has had good and bad phases - in general she’s much less wakeful but does still get up in the night to come into my bed.

I don’t regret soothing them when they need(ed) me in the night, but I know what it is to be mad with sleep deprivation and I wouldn’t judge another mother for deciding differently from what I did.

Ohalrightthen · 21/01/2021 19:07

I used to race to DD every time she cried in the night. Then one night, while trying to get to her, i tripped and ended up tangled in the duvet. In the 2 minutes it took me to get myself sorted, she'd gone back to sleep.

There is a big difference between a cry that says OH MY GOD I AM ALONE AND SO SCARED HELP ME MUMMY and a cry that says WHAT JUST HAPPENED i was asleep and now I'm awake oh that's weird... and after the second one, if you give them a minute to work it out, they can often go back to sleep.

Waking during the night is so normal. We all do it. As adults, we've learnt how to just roll over/readjust the covers/have a shuffle and go back off to sleep. Babies need to learn to do this too! But it's much harder for them to do so if you sprint in every time they grumble in the night.

Changethetoner · 21/01/2021 19:09

It's not fashionable to admit you let your baby cry these days. But if you can help a young baby learn to self settle, it benefits them as well as you. One method is letting them cry a bit, before you go to soothe them. Delay a little, (not let them get purple with rage and upset) but wait a short while and then do what is needed, ie nappy change, feed, cuddle, sing a lullaby, rocking or whatever.

The delay allows the baby to learn that help does come, that you are trustworthy and reliable, and will soothe them, but they learn that sometimes it is not instant.

But this is not a popular view, here on Mnet especially, and many parents think it is cruel to not rush in asap.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 21/01/2021 19:09

(I did make some changes that were in my interests rather than theirs - notably night weaning soon after 2 with the eldest and I think soonish after 1 with the youngest although I can’t quite remember. It didn’t make an immediate difference either time. But in any case I was still soothing them, so not the same thing you’re talking about. And they weren’t babies as such - they were toddlers and I was able to tell them what I was doing.)

SmileyClare · 21/01/2021 19:11

If the advice your sleep consultant is giving you goes against your instinct as a mother, then don't use her.

Comforting a crying baby is part of being a parent I think and so is broken sleep in the night.

There's no point paying through the nose for a consultant if you don't agree with or don't follow her "rules". I agree with you, I would always get up to soothe them, even if that was patting their back, replacing their dummy or shushing them (without getting them out of the cot).

TheProvincialLady · 21/01/2021 19:13

It’s a LOT easier for a stranger to say “let her cry” than it is for a baby’s mother to let them. There is often a huge instinctive imperative for a mother to soothe her baby. It used to physically hurt me when mine cried.

I would not have listened to anyone who spouted about dependency - of course they’re dependent, they are babies. But then I was happy (ish) with the lack of sleep and to co sleep, and other people feel differently which is fair enough.

Aria2015 · 21/01/2021 19:15

I think rushing in too quickly can get in the way of them self soothing but there is a difference (in my mind), between letting a baby have a grumble for a few minutes and a genuinely distressed child. I've never let mine get distressed but I don't rush in if it's just low level crying - I wait and see if they resettle and if they don't or the crying escalates I go into them and comfort them. Be that a cuddle or a little feed on the boob.

Chathamhouserules · 21/01/2021 19:20

It can be good idea I think to let them grumble a bit and then they may go back to sleep. I learnt to detect the difference between a cry that was going to stop and one that would need comforting. That's a good mum instinct to learn. It's good for a baby to be able to calm themselves down a bit, they'll be happier and better able to cope with things.
Its very much each to their own though I think. Whatever works for you and your baby!

Lazypuppy · 21/01/2021 19:22

I think it depends on the baby cry. If my dd is whinging or grumbling, i give her some time to settle. If she doesn't or the cries are really sad then i go straight to her.

HarryHarryHarry · 21/01/2021 19:23

I think you should follow your instincts. I always rushed to comfort my son and it doesn’t seem to have affected him in any way. He started being able to put himself to sleep around 18 months which, although later than some of my friends’ kids, was fine with me.

Pipandmum · 21/01/2021 19:27

Depends. If the cry is hysterical go i straight away. If the cry is just 'I've woken up and not sure why' then just leave your baby for a few minutes to see of they go back to sleep.
I never let my babies cry for more than a few minutes, but when I went in I spoke softly, did NOT pick up the baby, stroked its back a few times and waited. They were reassured that I was nearby and were usually content to go back to sleep - it's ridiculous to suggest they become dependant on you as the whole of growing up is learning to move away from you.

ImnotCarolineHirons · 21/01/2021 19:28

Your sleep "consultant" sounds shit and about 30 years out of date.
No need to rush instantly, certainly can wait a minute or so to see if they fall back asleep of course, but it's a huge part of bonding to answer your baby's needs - she can rationalise and argue against that all she likes but your baby doesn't think like that, they don't know anything except you, and they want you to be there for them.

borntohula · 21/01/2021 19:29

She's talking bollocks, life is too fucking short to leave a baby in distress. I co-slept and I can assure you that my 15yo does not depend on me in the night nor has she done for many years.

Hopeislost · 21/01/2021 19:32

I think it depends on your definition of crying. If you mean a screaming baby then no I wouldn't leave them. But if it's more of a whinge 'I just woke up' cry then I'd see if they settle themselves first.

SingingSands · 21/01/2021 19:32

Well, my rule was "the quicker I soothe the quicker they settle". As a mother you often catch them before they go full volume, you also learn to read their cries so you just know which cries will quickly die down and which need attention.
I had one dream baby who slept through from 9 weeks, then I had a little sleepless tyke who woke every 2 hours till he started school at 4.5. I soothed, let him sleep in with me, did what I needed to do to survive those sleepless years and make them easier for us all.

bowerino · 21/01/2021 19:44

We've started using the ferber method since Christmas as we had 3 months of having to get up throughout the night and rock our baby back to sleep.

I found it really difficult at first but it has worked pretty well. I think it's a good balance between controlled crying and picking him up.

Metallicalover · 21/01/2021 19:51

It all depends on the baby's cry. I can tell if it's a 'I've just woke up and want to get back to sleep cry' (and if I go in I distract her and she can't get back to sleep and becomes distressed) or a 'Mammy I need you cry'.
I don't leave her to get distressed. As sometimes I can hear her getting annoyed if she can't get back to sleep and she needs some help. That doesn't happen very often.
She has been like this since she was about 4 month old.
All babies are different and learn to connect their sleep cycles at different rates, we all wake up through the night.

Empressofthemundane · 21/01/2021 19:54

Sweet Jesus on a bread stick!

Of course you should soothe a crying baby. Always.

Sunsetsaddict80 · 21/01/2021 19:54

Sleep consultants have no regulation whatsoever. I would take what they say with a pinch of salt. There is enough evidence that babies can’t self soothe and the stress hormones released when left to cry are bad. Trust your baby

AlwaysLatte · 21/01/2021 19:56

I never let them cry, ever. If they needed me in the night they needed me so I was there. They don't need it forever!

warriorwomanx · 21/01/2021 19:57

@Ohalrightthen

I used to race to DD every time she cried in the night. Then one night, while trying to get to her, i tripped and ended up tangled in the duvet. In the 2 minutes it took me to get myself sorted, she'd gone back to sleep.

There is a big difference between a cry that says OH MY GOD I AM ALONE AND SO SCARED HELP ME MUMMY and a cry that says WHAT JUST HAPPENED i was asleep and now I'm awake oh that's weird... and after the second one, if you give them a minute to work it out, they can often go back to sleep.

Waking during the night is so normal. We all do it. As adults, we've learnt how to just roll over/readjust the covers/have a shuffle and go back off to sleep. Babies need to learn to do this too! But it's much harder for them to do so if you sprint in every time they grumble in the night.

This. Spot on!