10 year-old not settling

[Nicknamegoeshere]

My boy turned 10 in May. His routine is that he goes up to his room about 8.40 and reads with me for about 20 minutes until 9pm.
I then attempt to go downstairs for a bit of a sit down (I also have a six month-old and a 13 year-old).
But he just won't stay upstairs.
Comes down constantly.
Won't go up or settle until I come up at 10pm.
Any advice. It's driving myself and OH to distraction! I just want a bit of time to myself.

At this age, he will understand rules. Unless he'd got problems at school as well etc.

So sanctions should work. I would say that every time he comes down after a certain time he goes to bed 10 minutes earlier the next day. Unless for emergencies.

Or give him less screen time or whatever consequences will motivate him, explain why. He needs his sleep.

There are guidelines that say children need so many hours sleep. Look them up so you can show him.

Can you make space for actual chatting to you? My dcs are 11 and 9 and they need a bit of bedtime to just have some chit chat and spend time with me.

Sounds like he just wants that attention. Bedtime is usually when their worries etc come out. So maybe go up earlier, stop reading earlier and just sit with him for 10 mins and see if he says much (you don’t have to ask questions, just sit quietly for a bit with him and tuck him in etc).

If this is a recent thing, is something bothering him?
Otherwise, the rules in our house is once in bed you stay in bed. You can go to the bathroom or come downstairs if ill. No other reason!
When does he come off screens in the evening?

He lives with his dad half of the time. At his dad's he stays up until 10pm and is then allowed to take his iPad up with him.
Here I expect him to be in his room by 9pm and he is not allowed technology in with him.
So of course I am the "bad guy".
Ex has told son 9pm is a "baby's bedtime" etc...

That's not very helpful is it!
What a twerp. The ex, not DS.
Dad's house, Dad's (stupid) rules. Mum's house, Mums rules. End of discussion.
Taking an iPad to bed. I can't roll my eyes hard enough!!

Well here you go OP, you are right according the The Sleep Council' (assuming he gets up at 7/7.30am)

sleepcouncil.org.uk/how-much-sleep-does-my-child-need/

Show him this. Explain he won't sleep immediately as soon as he goes to bed. As I said he needs his sleep. And the bed time you state is not a 'babies' bedtime. Additionally get him some books he loves that he can read independently to keep him amused once you leave him before 'lights out'.

I have an 8 yr old with vastly different bedtimes between mine and her fathers- and she goes to bed with technology there too as well as several hours later. Never had an issue enforcing my bedtime, as she understands that it's different and there is consequences if she doesn't here. His dad isn't the issue (although is partially) he's old enough to accept and understand that he needs to follow the rules you've set and you need to give more of a punishment if he keeps mucking around- what about making his bedtime earlier at yours, since he can't follow the rules as is, and see if that changes anything?

Thanks all. He has loads of books he can read (comes with having a mum as a teacher!!) but he keeps saying he can't settle unless someone is upstairs with him. He gets up normally around 7.45.
It's so frustrating!

he can't settle unless someone is upstairs with him

Well, he has to learn because it is not practical. There are a few options. Children's meditation / relaxation apps could be one to get him to try. Sound, maybe relaxing music or cd of a book on low might help.

Personally, if it worked and meant I could have my evenings back to myself then I'd just let him have the iPad 🤷🏼‍♀️ what's the worst that's going to happen, he'll fall asleep eventually and he isn't settling until 10 now when you go up to bed anyway.

DD was a great sleeper, then around the age of 9 discovered the joys of not being able to sleep and drove herself nuts and got really upset. I do think that sometimes around this age they lose the ability to sleep like logs (if indeed ever had it) and it can be disconcerting for them. So could it be something to do with that rather than a 'behavioural' issue as such?

The worst passed eventually but she's still a much lighter sleeper (as 12.5years) and wakes very early every day.