Terrible Guilt - Sleep training

[DoveGreylove]

The title says it all really. I have a 6 month old who has never been able to self soothe and never nap in her cot. Her nights are bad too, waking 4-5 times. I have always had to rock her or feed her or walk her to sleep. I have realised I just can't do this anymore. I am on my last legs. I am slipping into PND. I am so exhausted. I cry all the time. I don't socialise anymore as I feel I can't because she won't sleep anywhere.

I have resorted to sleep training. "gentle" sleep training. You put them in their cot awake and stay in the room with them, able to shush them or say key phrases to them and picking up is the last resort.

I just watched her (well more like listened) to her cry for one whole hour. One whole hour I let her cry. I picked her up 3 times. I put my hand on her, I shushed her.

I cried.

She fell asleep after about an hour or so.

Then woke up after 5mins.

Please. Can anyone explain how this is going to help her??? I have so many friends tell me this is the only way she will learn to go to sleep. She will then sleep better at night. I know I am depressed and I cry most days due to her lack of sleep but this isn't helping me either.

Just wanted to vent really... I'd love some support or advice. I feel like having a baby is the worst decision I have ever made, a terrible mistake. Which makes me so sad as it's all I ever wanted.

Some things I found worked for us:

-reading Crib Sheets - the author is research based and concludes that there is no evidence that shows letting kids cry while they are going to sleep causes long term damage (Romanian orphanage study that is always cited involved leaving kids for hours/days/always to cry, not the same as a few days of sleep training for a child getting excellent care) but there is evidence that not getting enough sleep long term can be damaging. I found this really reassuring that it really was the right thing to train my LO to sleep better.

-pediatrician said (at 6 months) to leave her in the cot for the amount of time I wanted her to nap because she had never napped more than 30-40 minutes. I thought it sounded horrific but then was at the end of my tether and so tried it a few days later. It took 3 days, worst day was about 20 minutes of crying and she's napped for 1.5 - 2 hours twice a day since. I also significantly increased her wake window which also made a big difference.

-going in and picking up my DD NEVER makes it better - she won't fall asleep while I hold her and she just gets increasingly worked up. She still ends up crying before going to sleep but her total amount of crying it almost certainly longer than if I had just left her to herself.

-my DD was exclusively breastfed for 1 year and I made a point of feeding her every 2 hours during the day until she started dropping feeds on her own so I could be confident that she wasn't hungry. Pediatrician also confirmed that there was no medical reason she needed feeding in the night.

• A good friend pointed out that if you were fed every 2 hours in the night, you'd probably wake up hungry because your body was used to it, but you didn't NEED to be fed every 2 hours. Breast fed babies don't need to be fed 3-4 times a night at 6 months old. They just don't. I know I'll probably get roasted for that. But if weight gain is good, there is no food related reason they can't sleep through the night.

-This'll probably get me roasted but I turned off the sound on the baby monitor, went elsewhere in the house where I couldn't hear the crying and just looked at the video every few minutes. I kept an eye on the clock which really helped me realize even the "long" crying stint was about 20 mins. My listening to her cry didn't make her feel better and it made it hard for me to do the thing which I knew was right for her.

-Paying close attention to the type of crying - is she winding up or winding down, she has a distinct "upset" cry and "going to sleep" noises. If the latter, we don't/didn't go in.

-Recognizing that MY mental health was a valid reason to get her to sleep well. Me as an exhausted mum/PND/insomniac makes me a worse parent and is far worse for DD than a few days of crying pre-sleep.

I’m right there with you and feel your pain. We tried it at 6 months and had some success but then fell back into the old “boob in bed” habit and now at 11 months are trying again. I can say it’s harder now so do keep going (we slipped back into it as we mover country and all that comes with that )

I hate it but I can say it worked incredibly well with our first child so I do think some kids are easier than others to “sleep train”

Recognizing that MY mental health was a valid reason to get her to sleep well. Me as an exhausted mum/PND/insomniac makes me a worse parent and is far worse for DD than a few days of crying pre-sleep.

Oh and This this this this ^

I have one friend who did cry it out and her kid still wakes her in the night. And it was brutal- I sat there listening to the poor kid scream one evening while we all pretended we couldn't hear him. It's not the magic bullet lots of people make it out to be.

I do think she sounds 'normal' for a 6 month old. DD is 18 months old and only this past week has she started to sleep through the night - I don't believe that it will stay that way for long though.

At 6 months she was up around 4 times a night - that was considered a good night. I would spend hours during the day trying to get her to nap - she only really liked napping out of the house.

It is so hard, I have been on my knees with it - especially the last 9 months back at work. I don't think sleep training is the answer for you though, I'm not saying it can't be successful.. but it isn't for everyone.

OP

We are on night three with our 1 year old. It's been hell for months and months now. Put a huge strain on our relationship, my ability to be a lovely mum, I nearly lost my work contract because I was struggling to do the work. Moved to co-sleeping but it meant I had to lie with DS from 6.45pm in bed... I was feeling so lonely and never saw DH.

We've been working with a sleep consultant who revised out daily schedule and now we are on night three of controlled crying. DS would cry hysterically if he wasn't in bed with me even if I cuddled him so I chose the option that had faster results. First night it took 90 mins of hell, second night 45mins and tonight 15 mins (only small amount of crying) and one wake up in the night.

I've smothered him with cuddles and kisses and danced and sang with him all day. He is brighter now he is getting better sleep.

It's still early days for us but I hope this marks the start of a better time.

Do what works for you. And I would recommended the sleep consultant - it's really helped having the support and reassurance

And when I read about sleep all the books and websites say that from 6 months "your baby will be / could be / should be sleeping through the night". Or "breast fed babies may need 1 or 2 feeds a night".

Which books are you reading that say this, OP? These books aren't describing biologically normal infant sleep.

I think when you are in a sleep deprived state, going in and out of depression, feeling like there is no hope some days ... you see it differently to people who have babies who are a lot easier (and therefore they feel the training isn't necessary / somewhat harsh).

That's not true in my case. I'm a single parent and have not spent a minute away from dc (I have no support) but I would never sleep train despite how deep deprived I may be (and I really am some days). This isn't from lack of having a "difficult baby" which isn't what you have but my understanding and expectations of normal sleep.

stop wanting milk up to 4/5 times a night (which I still believe is NOT normal despite what some may think and this definitely needs to stop soon when I have the energy to do it).

www.parentingscience.com/night-wakings.html

Parenting is very tiring OP. Especially in the early days. The more you focus on these unrealistic unnatural expectations the more you will think your baby isn't an "easy baby", it's not normal, you need to get dc to sleep through.
If you change your thinking, my baby is crying because they are communicating, they've had a bad dream, they've heard a sudden noise, they've spent nine months in my womb, they want my comfort, they know I'm their safety, their world. I'm not going to fight my baby, I'm going to listen and respond. It is tiring, but when they are older they will be looking after me. It's life.

they know I'm their safety, their world.

There's something incredibly humbling about the little snuggle in and sigh they do when you pick them up from their cot. It's like, 'Ahhh, everything is alright now.' Complete comfort. It's so sweet.

Also, yes five or more wake-ups is totally normal at age six months. Adult humans didn't even sleep through the night until a couple of hundred years ago- they'd get up for a couple of hours in the middle. It's a bit much to expect of a six month old. And yes, some babies do sleep longer stretches at this age, but they are a minority and are likely to regress in this regard at some point.

We use the little ones sleep training program and I honestly swear by it. My little one is now 11 months and sleeps 7-7 with a 2 hour nap at lunch time. He is happy and healthy and that's all that matters to me. Not someone else's opinion that sleep training isn't right. You do what works for you and your child. Try and stick with it and see what happens. I hope you find something that helps

Oh OP, I identify so strongly with this post. My baby is a bit older than yours, but I feel exactly as you do: constantly on the verge of tears, unable to go out because it all feels too much. I've tried (it feels like) everything and it's not getting better for us either, so I'm afraid I don't have any helpful advice, but I just wanted to say you're not alone and to ignore some of the very unhelpful and unkind posts here. Pretty much everyone I know who has children has sleep trained. It hasn't done them any harm. It won't do your girl any harm either.

OP- keep strong. She’ll get it eventually.

DD was like this and what really helped was reading the Precious Little Sleep blog. She’s got all sorts of great tips.

Sleep breeds sleep for babies. So we set out to train DD to nap when she was tired during the day. It was hard work but she eventually became a great napper and great daytime sleeper.

With DD she needed it dark and loud white noise (we used an app) and she needed to have been fed just before.

She became a much more contented child after we got her sleep sorted.

A friend of mine was really critical of how insistent we were on naps because I was ‘trapped’ in the house while she slept and she wouldn’t be able to handle such a strict routine.

She’s now onto her second and guess what- she now wants tips on how to promote napping.

@BelleSausage completely agree! We had a few negative comments but then every recognises how awake and content he is. He becomes tired almost like clockwork. We give him his monkey, close the curtains and put the white noise machine on and 9.5/10 he's asleep within a few minutes! People would say oh we will never fall asleep surely. Then boom he's asleep for a couple of hours.

@Jessie9323

Yes, the same!

My main driver was reading that the body only secrets growth hormones when you are asleep.

I still tell her that plenty of sleep will help her grow!

@BelleSausage it must be true. My son is on the 98th percentile for height and weight 😂

@dovegreylove - I completely empathise with how you are feeling. My daughter is now 11months old , and up until December (when she was approaching 10months) I was out walking with her 2 or 3 times a day - but sometimes that didn't work, I would have to turn back with a screaming baby and jump in the car to get her off to sleep. There was no way she would nap in her cot . Then "bedtime" came round and I would dread it. I would be up in her room ALL evening , feeding to sleep ...feeding back to sleep when the transfer to the cot failed . Bringing her back downstairs , taking her back upstairs etc etc . It was rentless . I screamed and cried at my husband and got so low I wished I never had a baby (when she was all I ever wanted before) people told me "oh these things pass" "it's all a phase" etc and I could have ripped their heads off because I just kept thinking - by 8months , it should be easier but it isn't ..when was the easy bit going to come and this can't be normal ..when is the easier part going to happen!??
Then December came round and all of a sudden she napped in her cot twice a day and went down at night when I laid her down. I didn't do anything different to normal , she just changed as a baby. The car and the pram would no longer get her a settled enough to sleep for a good stretch of time, it's like my "cot hating baby" suddenly only wanted her cot to go to sleep!!!
I am now 1month into this new way of living with my baby and I still don't understand how and why it changed (don't get me wrong she still wakes in the night but not anywhere near the amount of times she did before !)

I just want to say - I get the feelings you are going through at the moment - don't beat yourself up for feeling like this - motherhood is bloody hard work and the sleep stuff is torturous . I don't know when it willl get better for you , but do what you need to do now to just get through it - however long it lasts for you.

I wouldn't survive without our white noise machine to drown out other household noise and a light show that plays a melody. Whether this actually helps my daughter or is just a "placebo" for me , I don't know 🤷🏼‍♀️ I also let her stroke a comforter when I feed her last thing at night - again, I don't know if she actually likes it or if it's just me willing it to work