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Original poster

HELP! 9yo daughter won’t sleep and I’m losing my sanity

80 replies

Gyh2429 · 08/05/2019 21:49

It’s been going on for around 4 months now and I’m on the verge of a breakdown. Everything in life is piling up before my eyes. We go upstairs with her at 6.30/7ish, she has a routine where she baths, reads a book and is in bed with book down at 8. She is still up and down the stairs at 10pm sometimes later. We have tried everything that we know of and nothing helps. It is taking over our lives. We are in desperate need of some advice. We also have a 6yo son who on occasions has been kept awake by all the noise. Would really appreciate even the tiniest amount of support. I feel like I’m failing massively as a parent and have no idea where to turn. When we ask her why she can’t sleep she just says she’s never tired

OP posts:
Chocolatecake12 · 08/05/2019 22:15

Sit her down and have a grown up chat with her. Sounds a bit like a combination of bedtime being too early and her demanding your attention.
Tell her that as she’s older now she can go to bed later, on the condition that she wakes up herself - buy her an alarm clock.
Agree with her a new bedtime routine, so bath/shower at 7.45. Pjs then into bed and you could read with her, sit quietly and do a jigsaw, look through some photos etc.
Make sure you tell her how lovely it is to spend some grown up time with her before bed without her younger sibling.
But if she then plays up you need to set consequences so for example the next night the lights go out 10 minutes earlier.

Singlenotsingle · 08/05/2019 22:15

And then you'll have to be strict with her - "No coming downstairs after 9.00. It's Grown-up's time!" And there should be sanctions.

Original poster
Gyh2429 · 08/05/2019 22:16

Comments like ‘why on earth are we sending her to be so early’ and saying ‘it’s bonkers’ doesn’t actually add any help to the situation so comments like that we can do without, thank you! I appreciate everyone responding with positive and helpful comments. I need support and advise not for people to make me feel any worse than I already do.

OP posts:
TeacupDrama · 08/05/2019 22:19

you need to do things when she is around and just accept that within a year or two she will be going to bed roughly the same time as you
I think any 9 year old would be cheesed off at having no evening to fit in with a 6 year old; after dinner she has got a good 2 hours 6.30-8.30 to do stuff homework craft reading games etc if she did some proper stuff after dinner she might be more amenable to bed at 9 ; instead of a bedtime lasting 3-4 hours and having to get pyjamas on before 7 to suit little brother, she could be resenting this and hence playing up to try and get the message across I'm 9 not 6 stop treating me like a little kid

Original poster
Gyh2429 · 08/05/2019 22:19

She is not ‘banished’ to her room!

OP posts:
SRK16 · 08/05/2019 22:20

I agree with comments about making bed time later, but also being clear that once it’s bed time she needs to say in bed- no coming downstairs. You could try a reward chart? For every night she stays upstairs (doesn’t have to be sleeping, just quietly reading or lying down) she could earn a small token to use towards something, or get to choose a weekend activity/family meal choice etc.
I’ve struggled with sleep since I was 5 and I remember being that age and not able to sleep, it was crap but I did learn to stay in bed unless I was ill or something,

SirVixofVixHall · 08/05/2019 22:22

I agree that the routine is starting early, but the actual bedtime isn’t too early, especially as she is hard to rouse in the mornings. My dds both needed lights out by 8pm when they were nine.
My year seven dd, just 12, has lights out at around 8.30. She is actually better if she has lights out by 8.00 , as she is tired , but likes to read so it is usually between 8.15 and 8.30.
14 year old needs lights out by nine thirty or she is a nightmare in the mornings, but she faffs about and so it can be later.
Mine are both prone to getting overtired if the window is missed, and then it all goes pear shaped with them arguing and horrible grumpy mornings.
Some of their friends are fine with later nights, it does vary a lot, but hard to rouse means needs more sleep.

user1494670108 · 08/05/2019 22:22

There's a change to evenings that happens around this age and it took me quite a while to get my head around it.
My dc went to bed easily at 7 for many years and we had all evening to ourselves.
Once they get older they need to stay up later and your evenings change but that is inevitable.

What should change is the up and down and missing your meals! She can stay up like an older child if she can behave like one

Copperandtod · 08/05/2019 22:22

Why does she need to stay in her room so you can get things done? What difference does it make?

123bananas · 08/05/2019 22:24

Have you talked with her about why she comes downstairs at all? My dd1 is the same age and we had a lot of similar issues. It turned out to be anxiety related due to worries about school and also fear of the dark. We moved her bed, used audio books for a while, got a better night light and worked on some of the issues around school with her and the teachers. She now goes to sleep at 9pm when her reading light has to go off.

MonkeyfaceThereturn · 08/05/2019 22:25

You work full time? So you're all home together at what, 5 at the earliest, 6 latest (ish)? So you get 30 mins before you start packing her off to bed?

She's 9! TELL her that once she's in bed that's it. Let her read. Let her colour. Whatever. But she doesn't come downstairs. But not until 8.30 at least!

Shower at 8.30 then into her room

purplecorkheart · 08/05/2019 22:26

Curious with your wording, it is we who are making the decision about her bedtime but not we who is finding it difficult. Maybe you need to look at the broader picture. I honestly am not being nasty (although you have taken offence to my posts) but I am worried there is something more to it.

Widowodiw · 08/05/2019 22:26

My boy wont sleep. I’ve just gone with the flow and sometimes
He doesn’t go bed until 10- he’s 10 years old. Headmistress would give me a right olde telling off but there’s no point putting them to bed when their not tired. It just causes
More stress. My son knows that i give him a bit of freedom but it’s on the condition that he gets up
In the morning without moaning. It really doesn’t affect him like with less sleep. I guess we are all
Different .

Offallycheap · 08/05/2019 22:27

I have a nine year old and an 8 year old and they know that after bed time is grownup time and they stay out of the way. But that can (with prior arrangement) mean sitting quietly watching something gentle and dull on the telly in the front room. And heavy heavy sanctions for pestering and messing about!

SRK16 · 08/05/2019 22:27

The other thing I wondered, if this is just in the last 4 months, is there anything that’s happened she might be stressed about? Changes at home or in the family, school? Friendship issues? Maybe check with school if they’ve had any recent concerns?

Yourenotheonlycuddlytoy · 08/05/2019 22:28

Is there any caffeine in her diet that might need to be limited? Does she do some physical exercise? Just wondering if any other factor could be at play

converseandjeans · 08/05/2019 22:28

My DS9 has lights out at 9. So he is either in his room chilling or he comes does down for a chat. 6.30/7 is earlier than he was going to bed as a toddler! He is up just after 6 some mornings and 7 the other mornings.
You need to adjust your expectations. In a couple of years you will have almost no grown up time - it's the nature of the beast when you have kids. You get no time to relax Wink

TanMateix · 08/05/2019 22:29

Nice thing of kids going to bed later is that you can have dinner together, talk about the day at the table, etc. TBH OP, I don’t think you can do much about it, kids change as they grow up. Mine went from happily sleeping 7 to 7 to be awake until 11pm and up at 6 am. I tried to get him to go to sleep at 9 for... three years. Nothing worked. Eventually I agree for him to stay awake on three conditions:

  1. No screens after 8
  2. No noise that can wake me up
  3. No getting out of his room after 9.

I could hear him rummaging around his room until 11pm, yet he was already dressed, having breakfast in the kitchen by the time my alarm went off... and it has been the same for the last 5 years.

madamedeluxe · 08/05/2019 22:33

Not only is 6.30/7pm too early to start the bedtime routine but it means she is not active for several hours before she actually goes to sleep. Having to bath and read a book so early, no wonder she’s not tired at 9. I would put her to bed at 9 or 9.30pm. If there is an early evening activity she can do before that, all the better eg does she go to brownies, gym, swimming?

getback · 08/05/2019 22:35

I sympathise op as my 9-year old is not a sleeper! Teeth, hair etc at 8.45, bed 9ish, reads kindle until ten, usually drops off 10.30/11ish. I used to worry terribly, but you can't force a child to sleep! I made a deal with her - I back off and she agrees to get up at 7.30 when her alarm goes off and get sorted for school with good grace (no grumpiness/ whining/ other tired behaviour) She's not allowed to come downstairs after 9.30pm unless it's urgent. It works far better now I've backed off - sometimes she even drops off by ten! I used to dread bed time but giving her more autonomy actually improved her behaviour. Maybe try negotiating a similar agreement with your dd?

Misnomer · 08/05/2019 22:37

Ask the school nurse or GP for a referral to a sleep clinic/worker. We had similar issues with my nine year old and they were brilliant. We temporarily put his bedtime much closer to the time he would actually fall asleep so that he wasn't spending hours in bed not being able to fall asleep, which was adding to the problem. The person we saw made various other recommendations including allowing him something to eat before bed - yoghurt, cereal, cheese, that kind of thing, having a chat earlier in the evening to give him a chance to work through and worries so that he wasn't fretting about things at bedtime. Also, during his wind down time giving him something involving fine motor skills asaparently this helps with melatonin production. Once he was going to sleep easier, without all of the reapprearances and spending hours in bed awake, we then gradually moved his bedtime earlier so that he was eventually getting a longer sleep. I can't remember everything we were recommended so I really recommended seeking out this kind of service and get some help.

converseandjeans · 08/05/2019 22:38

Agreed lots of kids are doing something like football training or karate or guides at the time of the evening OP is expecting her DD to go to bed and settle. Most kids are busy out the house until about 7.30/8pm at that age.

cocomelon23 · 08/05/2019 22:39

My 9 year old is in bed for 8pm. I don't think you're putting her to bed too early.

Whoops75 · 08/05/2019 22:40

My dd9 is the same, she loves to be up late.
I let her because she is no trouble, she colorist at the counter while I do lunches/dinners.
She is good company so I don’t mind.

I think you’re missing an opportunity to have one to one time with her, she’s at a lovely age.

yearinyearout · 08/05/2019 22:42

We had this with our eldest at that age, had to resort to rewards for staying in room after a certain time. DH was working away and it got to the point where I ended up just going to bed myself so there was no reason for her to go downstairs! Not a practical solution if you have lots to do though.