Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Sleep

Join our Sleep forum for tips on creating a sleep routine for your baby or toddler. Need more advice on your childs development? Sign up to our Ages and Stages newsletter here.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Cot refuser destroying my marriage

56 replies

KateyKube · 28/04/2019 22:38

DS is 15m. He’s a cot refuser so one of us has to lie on the double bed with him from 7pm while the other rests on the sofa. I can’t spend an evening with my husband or share a bed. He wakes every 1-3 hours and gets hysterical if he can’t breastfeed. I haven’t slept a full night since he was born and I’m like a zombie. There’s no chance of me returning to work, I can barely stay awake most days and I’m constantly grumpy so we argue constantly. I feel like I haven’t seen DH for months except for the brief baby hand-over. I have literally no idea how to fix this.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/04/2019 22:41

You need to wean him immediately, cold turkey, and sleep train him. It will be a hard several days but it doesn't sound like it could be any worse than what you're dealing with right now.

Ratatatouille · 28/04/2019 22:46

Why do you have to stay with him from 7pm? If it's due to a worry that he will fall out of bed, can you put down blankets etc on the floor (assuming the bed is not overly high)? We had a similar issue with DD and did not need to wean cold turkey or stop co-sleeping or do any harsh sleep training. I understand that it's tough right now. What we did was use bed guards as soon as DD was old enough for them to be used safely (18 months) and invested in a brilliant video monitor. DD is still breastfed to sleep and if she stirs after bedtime, I can feed her back to sleep quickly and be back downstairs in 10 minutes. Could this work for you guys?

Original poster

KateyKube · 28/04/2019 22:59

I’m less worried that he’ll fall out of bed and more worried that he’ll climb on the chair and fall off, get into a box or wardrobe and suffocate, strangle himself on a power cable, or some other hazard that I’ve overlooked. I don’t like leaving him unsupervised unless he’s safely contained in a cot which he refuses to go in

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/04/2019 23:04

I think you need help with your anxiety. All of those concerns you listed are very OTT and just not logical. If his room is properly baby proofed, there will not be a problem.

TheRhythmlessMan · 28/04/2019 23:05

Oh OP I feel for you.
I haven't slept with my husband since DD was born either. And being so tired makes us both grumpy and snappy, whereas previously we never ever argued.

Can you put dc on a mattress on the floor and invest in a video monitor as pp suggested? At least it might give you back some of your evening even if you have to go back to co sleeping for the rest of the night. Do step by step.

Ratatatouille · 28/04/2019 23:06

I totally understand that. I had/have the exact same concerns. But the video monitor is a lifesaver for me. As I type, I am watching TV with DH and I've got the monitor on the arm of the chair next to me. I can see DD very clearly and the microphysical super sensitive so I can hear the faintest murmur. It's the only way I have felt comfortable to leave her. It's a Motorola one in case you want to Google it.

TheRhythmlessMan · 28/04/2019 23:07

Also a cot sensor so you can tell if Ds has gone walkabout

Ratatatouille · 28/04/2019 23:07

Microphysical?? "Microphone is"

duebaby2 · 28/04/2019 23:16

100% agree on video baby monitors. At one we decided to go from a audio monitor to video as our son was getting more mobile and it eased any worries straight away and it meant I didn’t disturb him.

My friends had the issue of not being able to get her son to sleep. Cry it out worked for them he slept 9hrs. If my son is struggling to sleep i give him his favourite toy to play with or a book to flip through until he falls asleep (he is 2.5yrs old though) as long as he is quiet he is fine to stay awake. Within three hours he’s asleep.

CaraL9 · 28/04/2019 23:16

Please do not "wean him immediately, cold turkey, and sleep train him" as previously suggested (for obvious reasons)

I agree with using a baby monitor. Gives you pease of mind and will allow you to spend time with partner.

Ohyesiam · 28/04/2019 23:19

We co slept and used a monitor to check they were safe. Have you read The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantly, it’s for breast fed babies.

Ratatatouille · 28/04/2019 23:20

Also, I can tell you that my anxiety improved dramatically once I was able to use the video monitor and leave DD upstairs. It felt weird at first. Super weird. But after a few nights I felt myself start to relax, and having that time to myself and to spend with DH each evening has made such a difference to my wellbeing.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/04/2019 23:44

Please do not "wean him immediately, cold turkey, and sleep train him" as previously suggested (for obvious reasons)

Which are?

TeaForDad · 28/04/2019 23:51

I agree that getting him weaned should be a priority, to break the habit as much as anything.

DeadDoorpost · 28/04/2019 23:57

I slowly weaned my 15mo DS and got him sleep trained at the same time. I'll go to bed once he's asleep as I'm so tired due to pregnancy. I sit at the edge of the bed and hug him as much as he needs/wants until he lays down and sleeps. Some days are harder than others but he mostly sleeps through the night now and wakes up for a drink which I give him (water) from his cup.
We had to stop co-sleeping in the end as I wasn't sleeping well at all. And now I'm not sleeping well due to being pregnant but at least I'm not being kicked or hit my DS...

Ratatatouille · 29/04/2019 00:01

Aquamarine because suddenly stopping breastfeeding cold turkey and sleep training (meaning CIO?) are extremely and needlessly stressful for a 15 month old baby. There are lots and lots of other options. Why are people so keen to pressure mums to stop breastfeeding older babies?

AlunWynsKnee · 29/04/2019 00:01

Your anxiety sounds like mine when it gets going. If you had him in his own room on a mattress or very low cot bed with no hazards and a video monitor, could you cope? Our cot bed was about 8 inches fall and if you put foam wedges or a towel to roll them towards a wall it was pretty safe.
The chronic sleep deprivation makes you anxious. I was on medication for anxiety exacerbated by sleep deprivation.

CatalogueUniverse · 29/04/2019 00:06

You could try baby proofing his room and putting a mattress on the floor that’s big enough for both of you. Stairgate on the door. At least you’d all get to sleep in a bed. I think at that age I started refusing feeds after a specific time at night. It led to eating more during the day which gradually improved the night wakings. Much sympathy OP, I didn’t get more than about an hour at a time time about 18 months when it suddenly turned into sleeping all night.

Bookworm4 · 29/04/2019 00:10

@ratatouille
Stressful few days is all it will be and will give OP back her sanity. Poor woman is severely sleep deprived.
Cot refuser? How long does he cry if he's put in or can you put him in once asleep?

llangennith · 29/04/2019 00:14

Cot refuser??? Just put him in the cot. You're the parent. Yes he'll cry and protest but you need to think seriously about your own mental health. Your DS will survive without having you within touching distance 24/7.
You're so tired you're not thinking straight. Put him in the cot and let him cry.

Ratatatouille · 29/04/2019 00:18

Bookworm you're presenting your opinions as facts. There are other options which do not need to result in the end of breastfeeding or co-sleeping IF @KateyKube wants to continue down this route. She has given no indication that she regrets her decisions to do these things, particularly the breastfeeding.
Again, I do not know why people think it's ok to pressure mums to stop breastfeeding.

managedmis · 29/04/2019 00:19

What bookworm said

PickAChew · 29/04/2019 00:22

Is your DH willing to help sensitively with getting him sleeping alone without feeding to sleep? You might need to clear out his room, put his mattress on the floor and a gate on his room and someone, preferably not you, might need to stay close to him while he falls asleep. Habits need to be changed if this isn't going to drive you into the ground, though.

Or is the arguing not just because you are tired but because your H is an arse who isn't willing to pick up some of the less pleasant parenting stuff?

Bookworm4 · 29/04/2019 00:25

@rata
I'm mystified how you got that from a very short comment.
Stop forcing your breastfeeding/co sleeping opinions on everyone yourself. I never said stop bf, personally don't agree with co sleeping; parents are allowed their own space and baby is safer in their cot.
I have 4 DC and this cot refuser malarkey is that, far too many parents pander and let babies dominate everything, you are allowed to be a person not just a mummy.

NunoGoncalves · 29/04/2019 00:42

My son was like this but I didn't stay with him from 7pm every night. We put a double mattress on the floor of his room. Nothing else in the room but a boxy of toys, nappy changing station, and a box of clothes. I would put him to bed (breastfeeding), wait until he was asleep, then leave him. We had a video monitor so would see whenever he woke up and would know if he was moving around the room. Those are pretty affordable these days.

He would often wake up once or twice before our bed time but we'd still get 2-3 hours to ourselves.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread