Cot refuser destroying my marriage

[KateyKube]

DS is 15m. He’s a cot refuser so one of us has to lie on the double bed with him from 7pm while the other rests on the sofa. I can’t spend an evening with my husband or share a bed. He wakes every 1-3 hours and gets hysterical if he can’t breastfeed. I haven’t slept a full night since he was born and I’m like a zombie. There’s no chance of me returning to work, I can barely stay awake most days and I’m constantly grumpy so we argue constantly. I feel like I haven’t seen DH for months except for the brief baby hand-over. I have literally no idea how to fix this.

Stop forcing your breastfeeding/co sleeping opinions on everyone yourself

That's a complete fabrication. I haven't done that whatsoever and would never presume to tell a mother how to feed her child, or that she should be co-sleeping if she doesn't want to. I have questioned why you are pressuring the OP in the opposite direction when she has given no indication that she wants to stop breastfeeding. I've made suggestions that are in line with the way that OP is currently parenting based on my own experience. I haven't told her what she should or shouldn't be doing. Unfortunately other posters, yourself included, have told OP "do this" "do that" "just put him in his cot" and now you are accusing parents like OP and myself (and millions of others) or "pandering" to our babies. Nice try but it's clear who is forcing opinions, and it's certainly not me.

I think it’s quite clear that OP needs to stop breastfeeding overnight so she can sleep!!

She will be a more effective parent in a full 8 hours rest.

@rata
You said in my first very short comment I was stating opinions as fact; that was a complete exaggeration by you. The OP clearly wants to stop the co sleeping as she's exhausted. I never said stop bf. I keep forgetting on MN you have to be a slave to your child 🙄

Stressful few days is all it will be and will give OP back her sanity

This is what I was referring to. That's your opinion; it's not a fact. Leaving your child to cry alone in a cot (let's not use euphemisms like "sleep training") is not always as quick and easy for the parents as you are presenting it, and it certainly is not easy for the baby.
I don't think anyone has said you have to be a slave to your child, but there's a middle ground and if you actually give it some thought it's unlikely that a mother who co-sleeps, breastfeeds and has expressed some anxiety about leaving her baby, is going to succumb to a load of pressure from some randoms online telling her she is pandering to her baby and she should leave him to cry, immediately wean him cold turkey etc. It's not helpful advice.
Fair enough point about the breastfeeding comment and I apologise. I can see looking back that this was other posters.

Some of these comments are unbelievable.
Pandering and letting a baby dominate.
They're a baby fgs, goodness gracious.

OP I would definitely get a video monitor and see if you can discuss your anxiety with someone? GP etc.

Stopping breastfeeding cold turkey can cause mastitis for mum. Also WHO recommend breastfeeding up till the age of 2.

"Sleep training" has been proven scientifically to have a negative affect on baby mentally. They learn no one will come when they cry. Would you let an elderly relative cry all night? Without comforting them or trying to deal with their needs?

CaraL9 got any evidence for that claim? Scientific studies that look at the impact of sleep training on otherwise healthy babies whose needs are being met by caregivers?

he’ll climb on the chair and fall off, get into a box or wardrobe and suffocate, strangle himself on a power cable

But you won't "overlook" these things OP. It takes a very short time to child-proof a room - look around for those rogue boxes, wardrobes, chairs etc and either remove them or lock them. Done. Once the room is safe he can be left in there with no fear. Stop making a rod for your own back and regain your life . ,

You need a video monitor

“Stopping breastfeeding cold turkey can cause mastitis for mum. Also WHO recommend breastfeeding up till the age of 2.

"Sleep training" has been proven scientifically to have a negative affect on baby mentally. They learn no one will come when they cry. Would you let an elderly relative cry all night? Without comforting them or trying to deal with their needs?”

This isn’t really accurate- mastitis is very unlikely at 15m because OP won’t be feeding much and is very easily prevented at this stage too with minimal effort.

There is no evidence that sleep training has a negative effect on baby mentally. Misapplied research on neglected babies is often mentioned, but isn’t related to sleep training

Op this is unbelievably tough- I’ve been there. Cold turkey on the feeds wasn’t a problem after a few days but the cot was always refused and sleep training didn’t work. One thing I wish I’d tried is paying a professional to do it

*Thefatberg
*
This is just something I've found quickly. There's 1000s more articles that back this up. www.alternative-mama.com/8-reasons-to-avoid-sleep-training-your-baby/

I use The Gentle Sleep Book and I recommend it to everyone (whether they have a baby who sleeps or not)

You need a radical change of attitude. Stop blaming your baby for being a baby.

This child is not destroying your marriage. The baby has two aims - to survive and to please the parents.

First, get someone to hold the baby while you have a couple of hours sleep and a good shower. Then, rethink your life, planning adaptations that allow you to meet your baby’s needs and be happy. Co-sleeping properly might be an option.

been there myself with breast addict non-sleeper...

I had to stop breast feeding, I just wasn't functioning.

I reduced to 2 feeds (evening and morning) for a couple of weeks, then only the morning feed for a month or so.

dh did bedtime and night wakings during that time. I went for a walk/the gym during bedtime so dh and dc could get a good routine going (bath, tickle fight, story etc).
minimal crying and for me it was a sanity saver.

Ok but an article from Alternative Mama isn't science. Not having a go at you personally but there's so much misinformation about sleep training and very little evidence behind what people claim.

www.google.com/amp/s/expectingscience.com/2016/04/12/critics-of-cry-it-out-fundamentally-misunderstand-how-stress-affects-the-brain/amp/ this website is pretty fair and looks at the science behind the claims.

Googling mama baby’s 8 reasons not to sleep train isn’t evidence

Perhaps you could do a Montessori style floor bed in his room? Mattress on floor (lean against wall during day if no slats) and nothing else really in the room for toddler to interfere with. If you used a large single or small double you could lay on it too and slowly remove yourself once he's asleep.

Agree with pp about video monitor, it's very reassuring.

Don't sleep train, it's cruel and there are still two more sleep regressions to go at 18 months and 2 years. He will learn to sleep through. If you want to cut down on night feeding then slowly reduce the time of a feed, he won't understand why you are suddenly not comforting him if you just stop.

I do understand, I had an amazing sleeper for dc1. Dc2 is a demon. He's 11 months and Co sleeps, feeds around the clock and rejects DH at night completely. I haven't slept more than 2 hours since he was born and the longest he will go without feeling is 4 hours if I'm lucky. He will learn to sleep through.

*Thefatberg
*
We'll just have to agree to disagree

We had a cot refuser too. We put our mattress on the floor and removed all hazards from the room. You could also do this in his room if it’s easier. By 22 months DD was in her own big girl bed because I was disturbing her, we got her a small double so one of us could pop in with her.

It sounds like something has to change OP for the sake of family life as things currently aren’t working for you. Does your DP do any bedtimes?

Too many people rely on all these books/guides and are so quick to rubbish anything that isn't current, there are plenty experienced mums on here who have successfully raised children with all manner of methods; they are wrong or cruel. Methods and guidelines change every few years, it would be nice to see current newer mums to not rubbishing anything other than their ideas. Our kids aren't damaged because we sleep trained or stopped bf before 2.

*aren't

Baby proof his room, put a sensor under on the mattress and leave him alone once he’s asleep.

Sleep training doesn't have to mean letting the baby cry alone - see the Mumsnet 'what worked for us' thread for a good example of gradual retreat. We did something fairly similar and while DS did cry he was never left alone or uncomforted. When we got to the leaving his room stage we did it by 'popping in and out', so he was never left alone for more than one minute and 30 seconds until after he'd stopped crying.

The actual scientific evidence has found no evidence of harm from sleep training, e.g.: pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/137/6/e20151486?sso=1&sso_redirect_count=3&nfstatus=401&nftoken=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000000&nfstatusdescription=ERROR%3A%20No%20local%20token

Critics point out that no evidence of harm isn't the same as evidence of no harm, which is true but by that standard very few things are proven 'safe' as evidence of no harm is an impossible standard.

Oh my, poor OP, this thread seems to have turned into a bit of a bunfight.

OP, there are no rules or scientific research either way, anyone who states any of this as fact is wrong. And, no, I’m not interested in pseudoscientific websites.

I think you need to find a solution that’s works for you and your family. Your marriage is important and the baby/toddler years can test it to breaking point. I think letting a baby cry is fine as long as they are cared for and other needs met. I did it with mine as I had to work long hours in a responsible job. They are now older and happy and well-adjusted children. I’m not saying this would work for you.

I think you should cherry pick the advice here that chimes with your parenting style, and bank the stuff that doesn’t seem right for you at this point.

Good luck whatever you decide

I also think Sarah Ockwell Smith's (author of the Gentle Sleep Book) complete scientific illiteracy (yes, despite her having a BA in psychology, which she touts as if it were a qualification that actually allowed you to practice, which it isn't) would be amusing if she weren't quite influential