11 months of shit sleep how the hell do you cope?

[IsItBiggerThanTheBoxItsIn]

I feel like i'm falling to bits. I'm crying or angry so often because I am so tired. I'm struggling at work because I am so emotionally and physically drained. I'm foul to my husband and a boring whinge to my friends when it's bad....which is often.

DD is 11 months, has been a crappy sleeper from the beginning. Better periods are getting one 3 or 4 hour sleep at night and 1-2 hourly wakeups after that with a rare blissful 5 hours. Mostly she's woken up minimum 2 hourly.

She's bf and still feeds to sleep and through the night. We have co-slept for survival. She would nap anywhere but this week it's been really challenging. She doesn't always need to feed to sleep but does need rocking or to be touching me to fall asleep. We have a solid bedtime routine, eating is hit or miss and she drinks alot of water.

The last two nights I tried to put her in her cot all night. Managed it night 1 but got 3 hrs sleep myself most of which was on the floor in her room or sat in the chair. On night 2 it went well till 2am when she became hysterical so I gave up and took her to bed because I just couldn't cope.

It feels so pathetic but I just don't know what the hell to do. My husband is at home most of the time but is disabled so doing the night stuff has a huge impact on him. He does everything he can to give me breaks on my days off but I can't sleep in the day anymore.

I'm sick of bf all night, i'm fed up of not getting more than 2 hours sleep. I can't do cry it out. She is starting to walk a bit which i'm guessing is making it worse

If you've been through this, when the hell did it get better?

I have a 13 mo DD who sounds very similar to yours in terms of sleep! It is tough.

I have given up on trying to get her in the cot as it just results in loads of tears and my anxiety levels soaring so I can’t sleep. It benefits nobody.

Since turning 13m we’ve had some better nights where she’s maybe only woken 2/3 times and settled very easily. But it isn’t all the time.

She’s very close to walking and everyone tells me it will get better when she starts! I just keep hoping this is the case.

No advice really, just solidarity!

"eating is hit or miss and she drinks alot of water."

Less water, it may encourage her to fill up on sustainable food/milk and get hungry again more quickly.

Also (whilst i am a huge advocate of bf and some formula babies are bad sleepers too) have you tried formula feeding? Either to fill her up more or disassociate the boob with comfort. Honestly good intentions to solely bf are great but if you physically cant function due to sleep deprivation whats the point.

On this situation I lasted until 13 months and then went away with work for 3 nights, followed by 2 nights where DS was there then another 3 nights apart. He had no choice but to be comforted by DH and a cup of milk (never took a bottle). After that we alternated nights. I honestly don’t know what to suggest if your DH can’t help with the nights as DS still woke after I stopped night breastfeeds, still wakes after trying to stop with night milk at all although at nearly 2.5 just one wake up is typical and on a really good night that’s before we’ve gone to bed! I hope someone else has better ideas but you are not alone.

OP, you need to nightwean and sleep train. If you don't, you will be stuck like this for a long time. My friends who breastfed throughout the night and would not tolerate any crying all ended up with kids waking them up like this till they were 2 or 3. I know you say you can't do cry it out, but can you really do this for another 18 months or however long it takes? She's almost a toddler now, not a newborn.

Re above poster: babies who are formula fed from the beginning do on average sleep better, but adding formula for an 11mo is not going to make any difference at this point--the child has already developed a strong breastfeed-to-sleep association.

Hi @Cottipus sorry it’s still rough but fingers crossed there is some positive changes after walking, that’s what I’m hoping for too.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I tried formula at 5 months but she wouldn’t take it. To be honest after 11 months of bf I just don’t see the point in formula, in a few weeks she can have cows milk as a drink. It seems a waste to buy it and go through the stress of getting her to take it when she can switch to normal cows milk. Thank you for your comment about the water though I will keep a closer eye on that. Until recently I have just functioned ok, I think it’s just got the point now where I need to change things.

@DrWhy thank you, I do wonder if it’s just her....MIL tells me DH was hellish until 20 months and he was FF from the beginning. Then at 20 months he slept and it got better from there. I think that’s my fear, the night wakings will continue but i’ll lose my easy option for getting her back to sleep.

@Kokeshi123 I can’t do cry it out partly because it just doesn’t feel right for us but partly because we have thin walls and my neighbours have school age children. I can leave her for 5 minutes, but I don’t think my neighbours would forgive hours of screaming. I tried 10 minutes and got hysterics so just darent continue. Some nights I manage to drop feeds, others I don’t. I’m going to have a chat with DH and make a plan how to start consistently dropping the evening cluster feeds and hope to god she doesn’t just wake up anyway. Thank you for your reply.

Have you thought about a sleep consultant? Obviously costs money but you have to consider if it would be worth it for the sake of your health.

Mine is only 5 months and I am similarly co-sleeping for sanity and still giving 2-3 night feeds. I know I need to break this but don't feel capable yet. Am going to give it to the 6/7 month mark.

I can empathise my son was like this. I felt like a hamster in a wheel at times, different day, same shit!

MIL was an amazing help she looked after him one night a week, all night. Made DH and I go out for a couple of hours to get a proper break. Away from the screaming! It was a really tough time. And the reason he was our last child! Couldn’t risk going through that ever again. He’s still VERY strong willed, (he’s now 16) but an absolute joy too. I will never forget how difficult a time it was. My son was also BF.

It does get better in time OP. I promise. My advice would be to take any help you can get, don’t be proud, tell your mum, MIL, sis, good friend that you are struggling and accept any help offered.

Hoping things improve soon.

Perhaps she's hungry

I’ve been where you are OP, a mere two and a half months ago. Bf, cosleeping 11 month old and just wrecked. The only thing that worked for us was night weaning and sleep training.

Night weaning was easier since DH could do it, but since it seems like you will need to do it I suggest taking a Friday off work if at all possible and starting on a Thursday night. Just do your bedtime routine, bath, boob, story, cuddles then hold her or rock her till she sleeps and in the cot. Every time she wakes up, hold her, cuddle her and cot. You can wait till she is fully asleep, or put her down and stroke her. There will be tears but you’re right there giving her all the love and cuddles. Just no boob until 6am. Then at 6, give her porridge and a banana and water, and an hour later give her a bf. And then give her a big lunch at noon, (and no other feeds), then a big tea at 5. Followed by bedtime routine (and second bf of the day) and repeat. It WILL be horrendous for the first few days, and illness/teething can cause setbacks. But she will start eating more real food and stop waking up through the night if the feeds are gone.
My DD still wakes up if unwell and sometimes just for random reasons but it’s one wake up and a quick resettle. Most nights she sleeps through.

It took a lot of effort for 3-4 days and some effort for a couple of weeks but we finally got it sorted. It isn’t perfect, I think some kids are just terrible sleepers and we couldn’t bring ourselves to let her cry it out alone.

The one other thing I did was to give her a big bowl of porridge at night with a banana mashed in and some nut butter etc. Filled her up for the long night sleep.

Good luck to you! I so know what you’re going through and hope it eases soon!

OP, that sounds difficult.

If you are really desperate and she does not respond to gentler measures, would having your partner take her to a hotel (a modern concrete building with thick walls!) for a night or two be a financially feasible option? That would at least get the worst of the screaming over with. If it takes a day or two longer, you could just level with your neighbors and explain that there might be a rough night or two until you have this cracked. I just think from the sound of your post, it sounds like you really can't go on like this any more.

Have you tried a dummy, OP? My two DDs loved theirs- they slept through the night from 8 weeks. If it fell out in the night, I’d see a little hand groping around the cot, grabbing the dummy, and sticking it back in with a little sigh of contentment!

Yes, Babdoc has it - use the dummy as an aid for the nightweaning.

It will be tough to begin with, but at the age she is, she doesn't actually need to drink milk during the night. You need to do this for your own health and sanity. 11 months is a long, long stint. It will be better for her, too, in the long-run, to establish an uninterrupted night's sleep, and better sleep associations.

ve you tried a dummy, OP? My two DDs loved theirs- they slept through the night from 8 weeks. If it fell out in the night, I’d see a little hand groping around the cot, grabbing the dummy, and sticking it back in with a little sigh of contentment! @Babdoc this might be the cutest thing I've ever read

OP, you mention your thin walls and neighbours but have you tried a bit of sleep training in the day for LOs naps? That's what we did. At 6 months, I just couldn't take having to rock my LO to sleep and cosleep on top of that. I was a wreck, so bless you for lasting so long.
There was no way I'd have had the strength or stamina to sleep train at night so we did it for naps. It made the process much easier and, after a couple of days, we put LO down in his cot for bedtime too. He cried for all of 5mins then went off to sleep. I ebf too and he does wake 3-4 times in the night for a quick feed. However, it feels so much better being able to sleep without a baby attached to me and there's no longer so much work having to be put in to getting him to sleep in the first place.
I know cry it out is not liked by many, but at your LOs age, he will be emotionally ready and you'll wish you'd done it sooner. My LO is now happy as Larry at bedtime, much happier than when he had to be rocked to sleep. You also deserve some sleep and your baby needs a happy, well-rested mother.
Good luck
P.S. posting at this hour as I'm now suffering occasional insomnia through being used to not being able to sleep😑

@FedUpEffedOff I have many times but we just can't afford it.

@Yogagirl123 thank you that's really kind.

@LesLevandes she may well be hungry....i'm trying to get her to take more in the day and some days she's eats really well, others she just doesn't. It is im proving though.

@Zaphodbeeblerox (great name!) It's really good to hear that it gives me hope. I am afraid of continued wakeups despite night weaning but I have to try! I am going to try porridge and nut butter, brilliant idea. I darent be too positive but tonight is better so far.

@Kokeshi123 thank you, love the hotel idea! Sadly though because of DHs disability it's not practical. If our current plan doesn't work I will be taking the neighbours a bottle of wine and ear defenders.

Going through the same with my 19 month old. Been a terrible sleeper always.

I’m thinking of trying a white noise machine now. Also just stopped co sleeping aka being kicked in the face all night!

It’s not forever, although it feels relentless I know.

We had to do controlled crying and it helped a lot, but she still wakes a couple of times per night (hence why I've been wide awake since 0300). She is 14m. But CC really helped us. She used to wake hourly.

Same situation here. I'm.on day 4 of using a sleep consultant, no improvement yet though

Dc2 is 1yo. Dc1 was bf but self weaned about 10 months. He slept through 12 hours a night from about 9 months. But both of my dc's sleep went out the window around 12 months - lots of developmental stuff going on, so.I'd ride it out a bit until approx 13 months. If dc2 doesn't improve I'm going to sleep train as he's old enough now I think. He still needs rocking to sleep and recently has regressed and seems to want bf at every wake up when before he'd settle for dh some of the time. He's a picky eater too so may be hungry some nights although I always try and fill him up.

It sucks and you have my sympathy.

Sleep train, controlled crying, takes 2-3 nights. Problem solved.

it took my son till he was 18 months to sleep longer than 2 hours at a time.
He now sleeps 7 till 04.30 every day

At that age and at the end of my tether, I would be forced to conclude we have reached controlled crying territory. I know a few people that did it at that kind of age with remarkably fast and effective results.

It’s lovely that you are so considerate of your neighbours, but I wouldn’t suffer in misery for this reason alone. It’s just a fact of life when you share a wall with families. There has been many an AIBU about next door neighbour’s children crying and the general consensus is that’s life. It won’t be all night every night! The alternative is to carry on as you are and that doesn’t sound like a great option.

I had the same problem with DD when she was the same age - coslept out of necessity, ebf, waking every 2hrs.
Afraid my answer is the same - night weaning and sleep training.

I have the notes from the sleep consultant we spoke to - she gave us a routine for sleep training that really worked. If you want to PM me your email address, I'll happily share them. It may involve some crying but you never leave them alone in the room to cry. Each to their own, but I couldn't do cry it out either. I admire how considerate you are of your neighbours (and wish everyone were more like this) but they may have to deal with if for a few nights (and it's half term soon anyway).

I didn’t sleep train although used some gentle fade techniques. (I just googled) she’s now 16 months and although not sleeping through she has a few times and tends to wake up just once.

It will get better