11 months of shit sleep how the hell do you cope?

[IsItBiggerThanTheBoxItsIn]

I feel like i'm falling to bits. I'm crying or angry so often because I am so tired. I'm struggling at work because I am so emotionally and physically drained. I'm foul to my husband and a boring whinge to my friends when it's bad....which is often.

DD is 11 months, has been a crappy sleeper from the beginning. Better periods are getting one 3 or 4 hour sleep at night and 1-2 hourly wakeups after that with a rare blissful 5 hours. Mostly she's woken up minimum 2 hourly.

She's bf and still feeds to sleep and through the night. We have co-slept for survival. She would nap anywhere but this week it's been really challenging. She doesn't always need to feed to sleep but does need rocking or to be touching me to fall asleep. We have a solid bedtime routine, eating is hit or miss and she drinks alot of water.

The last two nights I tried to put her in her cot all night. Managed it night 1 but got 3 hrs sleep myself most of which was on the floor in her room or sat in the chair. On night 2 it went well till 2am when she became hysterical so I gave up and took her to bed because I just couldn't cope.

It feels so pathetic but I just don't know what the hell to do. My husband is at home most of the time but is disabled so doing the night stuff has a huge impact on him. He does everything he can to give me breaks on my days off but I can't sleep in the day anymore.

I'm sick of bf all night, i'm fed up of not getting more than 2 hours sleep. I can't do cry it out. She is starting to walk a bit which i'm guessing is making it worse

If you've been through this, when the hell did it get better?

Thank you all so much for your replies, I so appreciate all the advice, kind thoughts and positive stories! I did try a dummy quite a few times but she clamped her mouth shut and was having none of it.

I did have a chat with DH and we came up with a plan. He took the evening shift after bedtime but only needed to do one resettle which took 3 minutes! I decided to bf at bedtime, 10pm, 2am and on wakeup. She needed resettling 6 times from bedtime to 6:40 when we got up including the 2 feeds just after the planned times. She spent THE WHOLE NIGHT IN HER COT!!! This is the first time ever! I feel hopeful. I will be using many of the tips you'very given me. Thank you all!

@FTMF30 I have been sleep training at naps to and I think it's really helped towards last night's progress thank you

Well done to you all
As a survival tip, pick a day when both you and DH are at home and let him take her out of the day, depending on the weather it could be soft play, a zoo, to a grandparents house. And you sleep. Not do a few jobs, go back to bed and sleep. Aim to get 5 uninterrupted hours. Your DD may get grumpy, your DH may not have a barrel of laughs, but you will be fortified to keep going. You need to prioritise yourself for one day so you can be an effective mum for the following weeks.

Congratulations on getting a better night. You must feel happier knowing it's moving in the right direction. My baby is 8 months and we're in the same situation as you. BF, co-sleeping but will only nap whilst being held. I spend so much time talking and worrying about sleep it's ridiculous. I've always hated the idea of "sleep training" but as many of the comments have said, I think it's getting to the point where we're going to have to do it. I can't go on like this, in so grumpy and angry inside all the bloody time. I wish you the best of luck 😊

It’s amazing how quickly they adapt to a few small changes. My DD is younger and always feeds to sleep (bottle fed). The past few days we have been working on breaking this habit as she wakes up from her sleep cycle and realises no bottle and wakes up, her naps have only been lasting 20 mins and she’s knackered.

I’ve been feeding her until nearly asleep, then removing the bottle and just sitting holding her hand while she drifts off. If she struggles we use a dummy but she doesn’t always take it. I’ll slowly move her feeds away from nap time and see how we go. Last night was a really good one so fingers crossed.

Non-mumsnetters (and no doubt a few who live a little more, eh, grounded life) could solve it for you in about 3 days but you probably wouldn't like it.

Same here...it's so hard isn't it.
14 month old waking all through night. In cot in own room but Bf to sleep, which doesn't always work so end up rocking, pacing, feeding again etc...

We have to to night wean and sleep train as can't go on like this.
I also feel awful about neighbours having their sleep ruined but hope it will be better for them in long run too.

Planning to do controlled crying I guess but to stay in room. Hope your sleep improves OP.

I'm dreading doing it. Any tips most welcome!

I would definitely sleep train in your shoes - you are at the stage where you are no longer coping with the extent of sleep deprivation and struggling to function. That doesn't help anybody. However, I wouldn't recommend CIO to anyone. Possibly CC or something more gentle if you prefer. Make a plan and stick to it. Giving in half way through teaches them how much more and longer to protest before they get bf/in your bed.

Personally, I would be happy sharing a room with mine at that age but would have the cot attached to my bed and her in her cot. I would comfort her back to sleep without bf until she realises she won't get fed at night then work on detaching the cot if you want to. Take it a step at a time, starting with night weaning. When you are at the stage where you are happy with the amount of sleep you are both getting, I would stop and leave it as it is - you don't need to train all the way to baby in own room settling self to sleep if you don't want to.

If CC is what you want to do, I would not let noise to neighbours stop you from doing it. For the sake of 3-4 tough nights (with 1 and 2 being the worst), you will all get better sleep. Apologise for the temporary disruption and give them a small gift.

No need to get snotty about parents who don’t fancy leaving their babies to cry alone, @Aquilla.

I suspect you may be right @Aquilla. Thank you for your contribution.

For those in the same boat I really feel for you. Sleep deprivation is torture. Having had the most sleep I have had in a while I feel positive. I hope I can update with more progress soon. Thanks again to everyone for all the helpful advice and tips.

All of this is really normal I’m sorry. Formula feeding and sleep training is not going to miraculously stop your child from doing what’s biologically normal. I do believe you either get a ‘good’ sleeper or a ‘bad’ sleeper and sadly mine was exactly like yours. If you can ride it out a little longer, mine got much better at 12 months. She’s now 2 years and finds it hard to switch off, and wakes a couple of times a night. She will grow out of it and I will sleep again, one day! Respond to your child’s needs.

I do believe you either get a ‘good’ sleeper or a ‘bad’ sleeper

Nope. Intervention studies show that the large majority of babies respond to sleep training. There is a hard core that don't respond, but this is the minority.

I think my DD is like her dad, he was a terrible sleeper and didn't sleep through til 20 months. He finds it hard to switch off and fall asleep. I am (was!) a good sleeper so hopefully I can teach her my ways. From my (admittedly casual) reading genetics certainly play a part but sleep training and environment become important at 6 months and there is a window of opportunity at 18 months if training hasn't been tried. If I wasn't working long shifts I think I would have rode it out a bit longer. I just cannot cope any longer and work safely so i'm happy to change things now where I didn't feel ready before. Despite the time i'm posting there is progress! I've cobbled together various strategies and it seems to be going OK. I feel much more positive and calmer.

Good for you, OP!

You have taken the first steps. You will be so much more engaged and present with your baby and be able to have so much more fun together when you are better rested and not feeling so mentally and physically run down.

So there has been some success in that we had 4 better nights, I only fed twice in the night and there were two other wakeups, so still waking two hourly but I had my bed back!

I saw a health visitor who advised against timing or reducing breastfeeding and told me that waking two hourly is normal (I know it is for.some babies including mine currently) and that anyone who says their 11 month old sleeps through (or for longer than mine) is LYING. I disagreed. She reiterated that everybody lies. I felt irritated and patronised. She also told me that it would be a terrible shame if I stopped bf. The tone of voice was ......unhelpful guilt trip

This week someone else (not a friend just a colleague) told me I need to stop expressing at work because at 11 months I don't need to anymore. I explained I got sore and blocked ducts if I didn't express for the 14 hours i'm out. I was told that it's normal to be sore (granted it would be but i'm not risking mastitis) and i'd get used to it. I am indulging DD by feeding at night and I just need to let her cry and night wean. Rod for own back...useless mother....far too soft....all heavily implied.

DD had come down with a cold and all progress is out the winDow and naps are completely crap. I do not feel positive. I feel fucking knackered.

No sleep help here, but IGNORE that health visitor guilt trip and IGNORE the colleague, they are not you and do not know what is best. You know your body and your child, take any tips you find helpful but unnecessary guilt trips can sod off!

I can't stress how much you need to ignore the HV and trust your own instincts. In my experience HVs are useless ... worse than useless in fact, harmful. They're full of shit. IGNORE.

OP, here for solidarity as Mum to DS 15 months who only breastfeeds to sleep and wakes a lot! I am exhausted, grumpy and fed up but yet still can't bear to let him cry and if I leave him for even a few minutes or my husband goes he cries so hard he's sick! I disagree with your HV, my first son slept beautifully - so this has been a real shock to me! Ignore your silly colleague - some people are so unhelpful! If anyone has any tips how to teach DS to settle without breastfeeding I will be eternally grateful!

@barelyreed that's really helpful to hear actually thank you!

DD has turned one year old and is walking properly the last couple of weeks. Sleep has deteriorated rapidly. Naps are totally unpredictable. Last night she woke every 20-60 minutes but it has been 1-2 hourly most nights.

In the day she is delightful! Her personality is shining through and we're having lots of fun on my days off work.

I have been struggling so much with the tiredness getting up at night she's been back in our bed every night from between 10pm and 12am through to morning. No progress at all with stopping feed to sleep or night weaning. It's a big backwards step.

I've really tried but I can't sit up so much of the night feeding or resettling or gradual retreating etc and then work for 12 hours....so back to co-sleeping.

I.don't really know what the point of this post is. I'm hoping to go back to having her in the cot all night and reduce the feeds this week but I don't feel very hopeful. The silver lining is she is so joyful in the day it makes up for it!

DD went down at 8:30, woke at 10:20 and i fed her, woke at 00:20 and I resettled without feeding but it took till 01:15, woke again at 01:30, resettled by 01:45. I'm sat in a chair in her room waiting for the next wake. I'm so tired but I have to try and night wean. I NEED more than 2 hours of sleep in one go.

Know how you feel, we're in much the same boat and no signs of it letting up yet (my son is 10 months). Have you read Sleep is for the Weak by Emily Jane Clarke? It won't solve sleep issues but it made me feel less alone, less useless and just a little bit more relaxed about it. Hope it helps you too. Keep going, you're stronger than you know and this won't last forever.

What time does she go down for the night? I would personally be prioritising sleep- for you and for her. So I would plan to be asleep at the same time as she was asleep for the night first time. Be it 7.30pm, fine. That way even if she is awake again at 10.30/11 you’ve had 3/3.5 hours of sleep. This was the only way I could cope with night feeds initially with a fourth baby- sleep with him from 7pm and then by 2/3am I’d had a good few hours. Maybe take the side off her cot and put it up next to your bed so she can have her own space and you can too- but for now just go with prioritising sleep and worrying about weaning etc at a later date once her teeth are in etc. Look up jay Gordon night weaning for tips or preparation to night wean when you feel more rested. This too shall pass! And you can get your revenge when she is a teenager and wants to sleep in!!!!

I haven't come across it @Anon but I will look thank you. I hope you get more sleep soon. It is so tough.

@Isadora she goes down 8-8:30ish and I do try to sleep then and she's usually awake after 2 hours. If she wakes between then DH settles her which is usually only a few minutes. She then wakes roughly 2 hourly and takes between 3 minutes and an hour to settle back down. The long wakes are most often 2 ish and 5 ish. Awake 7 ish for the day most often.

Last night she didnt feed between 10:30pm and 7am. She was up every 1.5 to 2 hrs but slept in the cot. I got 3 hrs broken sleep in my bed. She wasn't distraught at any of the wakes, maybe 10 minutes of crying and the rest more whinging, settling then waking quickly. I do pick her up and cuddle when she wakes. I put her down calm or asleep. Can't seem to do the drowsy but awake thing but not for want of trying.

I'm pushing for nightweaning now as I have a week off work. I tried on my last week off and it went well then she was ill. I don't want to co-sleep anymore. Does she need to breastfeed at night when she eats 3 meals a day? If I could get 4 hours sleep in one go I could keep going but I cannot continue with feeding every 2 hours and function at work. I will look up Jay Gordon again as that rings a bell, Thank you.

I’ve got a bad sleeper and have continued breastfeeding, we went through the hourly wake ups which are horrendous. At the first waking of the night I handed DS a pouch of baby food, something like beef stew, then offered a drink and finally bf him back to sleep. It filled him up more and he slept for longer. This continued for about 6 weeks at a year old and then he didn’t need the extra food. There have been a few times we’ve had to go back to it.
Try calpol if you suspect teething pain or ibuprofen.