HV said I’m doing my child a disservice if I don’t let him cry

[CosmicComet]

I told the HV that DS doesn’t sleep, and said I’m feeling down because I want my evenings back and to sleep at night. She suggested controlled crying, or lying him down repeatedly without making eye contact until he gives up.

I said it seems cruel not to comfort a crying baby. If he was an adult who was distressed it would be considered terrible to avoid eye contact and let him cry and repeatedly force him to lie down. And I’m not convinced he’d stop being distressed or needing me - he’d just stop crying out because I wasn’t responding.

The HV said sleeping is a life skill that you have to teach your child, like riding a bike. It will benefit him in the long run and be detrimental if I fail go teach him. He won’t just start sleeping of his own accord, and the older he gets the worse it will be because he’ll be able to shout for me or get out of bed and come downstairs. She said if I don’t leave him to cry I’m creating a rod for my own back. If I ever want to sleep and have time for my relationship then I need to leave DS to cry.

It just seems very harsh. I do want to spend time with DH and sleep at night. But I don’t want my baby to be distressed. I don’t think it’s fair to say that my misery is my own fault if I don’t leave my child to cry. But on the other hand I don’t have any other ideas for how to make him sleep? And I’m worried that the HV was right and I’m a bad parent if I don’t let him cry because I’m not teaching him to sleep.

Have you tried the no cry sleep solution? It sounds like it might be more up your alley.

Having seen family members with 8 year olds who still can’t just go to bed without a lot of help, I can’t help but agree that it’s best to tackle it in infancy but to each their own.

I think comparing it to an adult is apples and oranges though

How old us your little one? X

Of course your baby will learn to sleep without being taught. All animals do. All babies in cultures that don't sleep Train do. It just may take a time and you may need to readjust your expectations and life.
For eg just used to let mine sleep in the Moses basket or on my lap all evening until about 9 months when they started indicating that they wanted to be put down to sleep.
In one thing she's right though. You can't go through your child's life never letting them cry. If they cry our job is to be there to teach them how to deal with big emotions and support them with them.
Just making them cry so they will sleep always seems a bit unfair to me.
But then I am happy bedsharing still with my 2.5 and 5yos! My older child voluntarily left to sleep in her own bedroom aged 6. So it depends how long you are happy to wait

It’s your choice. Different people have different opinions on this topic.

Your instinct is right. Babies are not developmentally or physiologically able to settle themselves to sleep; as mammals they depend on physical closeness to feel safe, and letting them cry when their only desire is to touch you is cruel - it has been proven to damage brain development and attachment. Ignore the HV's outdated advice.

When I was getting no sleep with my first, I resorted to bedsharing and we both slept much better (only do this if you're breastfeeding). With my second I've been bedsharing from birth and it's been wonderful, lots of sleep for us both. I don't have my evenings back (though I could if I wanted them more than I want sleep). You are doing the right thing by responding to your baby's cues - well done. It's hard and exhausting, I know. It's also just temporary (you aren't raising a problem been sleeper by responding to their needs - quite the opposite. My first sleeps through wonderfully now at two, and was never once left to cry as a baby).

I've had the same kind advice given to me by my health visitor. It doesn't work for me, I can't bear to leave my baby to cry, and so I haven't done it.

Don't get me wrong, my evenings have not been perfect but I feel that she still needs me and we have had success recently with bedtime at 8 to 9 months. DH now puts her to bed without too much fuss and lots of cuddles, did an occasional resettle at the beginning but now she is sleeping much better.

DM me if any help x

How old is your baby?

I’ve never left my children to cry and they all sleep well.

I am far from an expert but I think there might be some truth in what she's saying. My first baby I ran to every whimper and now at 3 she has never slept through the night and requires a lot of support, cuddles, stories, water, toilet trips, back rubbing, hair stroking etc to get to sleep. She won't stay in her own bed.

New baby was left (not intentionally) to cry a bit occasionally. I do mean a bit. Not upset just a bit noisy if you know what I mean because my time was taken up dealing with something urgent sh to do with the toddler. Imagine my total shock when she fell asleep! Couldn't believe it. As an experiment I've left her ( never properly crying and I've kept her in my sight ) a few times and 90% of the time she's drifted off.

I would never ever leave a baby properly crying but I do think there is a difference between being a bit vocal and genuine distress.

I should point out that I don't have my evenings either not had an evening in three years. Sometimes I get an hour or so. It's a good thing they're lovely

How old is your baby?

I’m somewhere in the middle on this one!

She’s talking bollocks. How old is your child? It’s a cultural norm in many countries to cosleep or many years.

We did a bit of controlled crying and it worked pretty quickly. It was nice to get our evenings back. DD didn't appear to suffer any ill effects. It's not all evil and if you're really struggling, it might help. Neither you nor the baby benefit when nobody's getting any sleep.

It's depends on the age and you knowing your child's reaction. I did it with my son when he was around 18 months. I knew when his cry was just cross rather than distressed. When we did it (very short periods of crying) his cry was only ever cross. If he had been distressed I would have gone straight in.

DS is 1yo. We’ve bed shared on and off his entire life, I’d feed and put him back in his crib but sometimes dozed off while feeding. Since he outgrew the crib at 7mo we’ve just slept together. But since he learned to sit and roll it isn’t safe to have him in bed because there isn’t much room and he fell out, so now he and I sleep on a mattress and DH sleeps in the double bed.

I want to put him to bed and spend the evening with DH. I’m sick of having to take him to bed at 8pm and stay there. Because I can’t leave him unsupervised on the mattress and he cries if I try to put him in his cot. Our marriage is suffering because we’re never alone together.

I'd put him in the cot and do controlled crying in a shot. He's old enough and your marriage is suffering.

hurrahforgin.com/2017/11/15/the-rods-of-shame/#more-7635
This cartoon may help ^^
Sleep all depends on the baby. Ds1 was awful and I ended up feeding to sleep, all the things we are told not to do. I tried cry it out once and he got so distressed he vomited. He's 4.5yo now and has slept most nights in his own bed and goes to sleep by himself generally. Unless ill or has bad dreams.
Ds2 was a bit easier and settles himself quite often.
Good luck and trust your instincts.

Although I might be biased as I said from the moment I conceived that there was no way I was co sleeping. So I was prepared to do anything but that.

I use a bed guard on one side of the bed and a cosleeper cot on the other side. With 3 children I've never had one fall out.

Sounds like you need to do some sleep training. For your sake, and his. One is old enough to learn that he can go to sleep by himself.

But why can’t you leave him unsupervised on a mattress??

Hey OP. My daughter is 18 m now. She was always an awful sleeper and we co-slept for a while but she's really big and wriggly now. I don't ever let her cry - I lay down next to the cot, she has her milk and then I put my hand on her chest through the bar and she goes off. It gives us that bit of time in the evening. If she wakes up I either lay down next to her again, or just put dummy in and walk out again, or if it's silly-o'clock she comes in with us and usually goes straight away.

I'm sure some people will say that's stupid but she's learned to sleep in the cot and it's become way less of a struggle to get her down.

@IncomingCannonFire great cartoon! I have aaaalllll those rods!

Why do you think he is not safe on the mattress on the floor? We put our king size mattress on the floor and we alternated which parent coslepted and who had the spare bed every night until DD was 20 months. We would put her to bed and go downstairs and listen in on the baby monitor. She is 2.5 now and unless she is unwell she sleeps through in her own bed.

We did a version of controlled crying with ds just before he turned one. It worked very well.

If you don’t want to leave your baby to cry, don’t do it. How is leaving him crying teaching him how to sleep?
Try reading The Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith.
Why can’t he stay in the mattress on his own once he’s asleep? Just get a stair gate for the door.

Firstly, it is your back therefore up to you whether there is a rod for it or not. Judgey McJudgeypants does not get a say and he is not her child.

If he sleeps on the mattress do you have the option of putting a stair gate on the doorway and clearing the floor of anything dangerous. Even if he falls in the floor he won't hurt himself. Then a baby monitor will allow you to go downstairs for the evening.

My ds1 was an awful sleeper. I was adamant that I wasn't leaving him to cry, but did eventually have to take steps to get him to sleep without my input as he would only sleep breastfeeding or lying on top of me. I did the supernanny trick of every time he stood up in the cot placing him back on his back until he gave in. Was over 60 times night 1, about 20 night 2 and only a few by night 3. He now sleeps 12 hours and rarely wakes in the night. But I have never left him alone to go to sleep, still stay with him or outside the door.