HV said I’m doing my child a disservice if I don’t let him cry

[CosmicComet]

I told the HV that DS doesn’t sleep, and said I’m feeling down because I want my evenings back and to sleep at night. She suggested controlled crying, or lying him down repeatedly without making eye contact until he gives up.

I said it seems cruel not to comfort a crying baby. If he was an adult who was distressed it would be considered terrible to avoid eye contact and let him cry and repeatedly force him to lie down. And I’m not convinced he’d stop being distressed or needing me - he’d just stop crying out because I wasn’t responding.

The HV said sleeping is a life skill that you have to teach your child, like riding a bike. It will benefit him in the long run and be detrimental if I fail go teach him. He won’t just start sleeping of his own accord, and the older he gets the worse it will be because he’ll be able to shout for me or get out of bed and come downstairs. She said if I don’t leave him to cry I’m creating a rod for my own back. If I ever want to sleep and have time for my relationship then I need to leave DS to cry.

It just seems very harsh. I do want to spend time with DH and sleep at night. But I don’t want my baby to be distressed. I don’t think it’s fair to say that my misery is my own fault if I don’t leave my child to cry. But on the other hand I don’t have any other ideas for how to make him sleep? And I’m worried that the HV was right and I’m a bad parent if I don’t let him cry because I’m not teaching him to sleep.

You don't have to leave him crying but you have to implement an ultra consistent sleep routine.
In own room, own cot, feed lots in day and dress snuggly so you know he's comfortable. When he wakes offer water only. He will cry. Stay with him, keep lights off , lots of shhhhhh ing, repeat some kind of phrase like 'It's sleep time now'. If it's unbearable start with cuddling back to sleep but always put him back in cot and gradually just be there repeating your phrase. Have an acceptable awake time and stick to it. No starting the day at 4am.

It's takes a lot of effort but it's do-able and then sets their body clock and understanding about your expectations of sleep time. No getting out of bed or room, no milk or rewards. Just offer water and reassurance. There's less screaming but it will be tiring, Do every stage very gradually, small wins will build up.

Op is suffering because her child doesn't sleep and wants her evening back but also doesn't actually want to do any sleep training?

What do you want the HV to say. Your child will not all of a sudden start going to bed and falling asleep alone. Some do, most don't.

Honestly I think if you don't do some sort of sleep training and are miserable you are doing your child a bit of a disservice.

Although I am not sure she actually said that, that might be ops interpretation of it.

You don't 'have to' do anything. What works for some parents won't work for others, as every child is different.
Our HV said we should leave 1yo DS to scream, and ignore him if he made himself vomit with crying, as he'd just be doing it to manipulate. I was horrified! I trusted my instincts and continued to cuddle to sleep, and co-sleep. He now sleeps fine, and DH and I always get our evenings together.
Can you babyproof the room as much as possible and get a video monitor, so you feel safe to leave him?

It is your baby. You decide which way to go. My advice would be get him used to a cot and do some gentle sleep training. It is harder the older they get. Alternatively if you are happy co sleeping and going to bed at 8pm do that. Presumably you aren't though as you posted. There are ways of doing gentle training although it will probably mean some crying.

There’s a middle ground between well meaning advice and your own instincts. You’re divided because you half believe she’s right and your marriage is suffering but you have strong feelings about leaving your baby to cry which is fair enough. I don’t personally think going from one extreme to another is healthy for the baby or particularly fair so why not be a little firmer now baby is a year old without the textbook controlled crying technique (yuk)!
When my dd3 was a baby she had reflux and undiagnosed cmpa which was resolved at 7m with dairy free formula. Until then she had been very high needs and we did lots of bed sharing and I was always having to give her the benefit of the doubt with her fussing in case it was reflux. At 8 months she was 100% fine but had got used to me being there bless her and needed a bit of persuasion to sleep alone (as mummy was knackered)! I began by changing her co sleeper to a cot right next to the bed and the first night I stayed with her but instead of lifting her when she cried I just patted her back over the side of the cot. She had a good squark about it but I stayed with her then gradually over a few nights began moving away a bit and so on until she was settling quite quickly by herself with minimum help. She actually became a fantastic sleeper and within a couple of months moved into her big sisters bedroom. She’s 2.5 now and I’ve never had a bedtime issue since (touch wood)!