How do you do controlled crying?

[thingymaboob]

Basically I'm going to do this next month as am having to rock and shush baby to sleep. She's 10kg and I can't do it anymore! Any advice on how to do it... What worked for you? Tell me your success stories! Thank you

Have you looked into the Baby Whisperer sleep training? She does something called shush-pat, and it is basically where you never leave the baby on their own to cry (as this increases cortisol levels which can have lasting effects on a child), but you sit with them while they're in the cot. Then once they have learnt to self soothe there is something called 'gradual withdrawl' where over few nights you get further away from the cot. If you google " baby whisperer shush pat" then you will find the info, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post a link to another parenting site here.

Here are some statistics on cosleeping. I think it was BertrandRussell who asked for them.

IN 2016, 219 BABIES DIED OF SIDS IN THE UK: 0.03% OF ALL BIRTHS
Previous UK data suggests:
■ around half of SIDS babies die while sleeping in a cot or Moses basket.
■ around half of SIDS babies die while co-sleeping. However, 90% of these babies
died in hazardous situations which are largely preventable.

Source: unicef

So safe co sleeping is safe.

I think OP's child may be too old for shush/pat or even pick up/put down (if she is 10kg). DD was on the 95th percentile for weight and she got to 10kg at about 8.5 months.

I agree shush/pat works great and I used it with my DD but she was much younger (8-10 weeks).

So safe co sleeping is safe.

Not according to the most comprehensive study on SIDS that we have available so far:

bmjopen.bmj.com/content/3/5/e002299

When the baby is breastfed and under 3 months, there is a fivefold increase in the risk of SIDS when bed sharing with non-smoking parents and the mother has not taken alcohol or drugs.

Of course, Carpenter research is not perfect but it is the best information we have got available so far and it does show than even "safe" co-sleeping does not appear to be safe.

i did it with both of my two, it worked for me, everyone is different though! I remember posting about it in the past and got scathing responses.

When the baby woke in the night I went in, picked her up and gave her a cuddle but didn’t make eye contact and didn’t talk to her and put her back to sleep. I did this every ten mins. After about two nights the babies then slept through. I did it 6-7 months with both babies. The health visitor told me at about 6 months that there was no need to feed the baby in the night which is what prompted me to do it- as before that I’d just feed the baby and put her back to sleep.

That report does not specify safe, planned bedsharing. It only looks at drugs, smoking and alcohol.

I would advise you to read the Richard Ferber book on controlled crying. It gives you a lot of info and tips for different situations etc.
Good luck OP. I did it when DD was 1 and it was life-changing for all of us. DD was finally getting much needed sleep as were the rest of us. Took about a week in total for her to settle straight away. The first night is so so hard, but stick with it. It's so worth it.

It only looks at drugs, smoking and alcohol.

Plus it looks at bedsharing in the parents bed, i.e. the stats do not include bedsharing on the sofa or in other hazardous circumstances.

I agree the report is not perfect but (1) we do not have better stats and (2) the study also reviews the Netherlands case which is quite interesting. After an active campaign to discourage bedsharing, SIDS stats in Netherlands have significantly gone down. Netherlands has currently got the lowest bedsharing rates and the lowest SIDS stats in the Western world. Worth highlighting that Netherlands has also got the highest percentage of babies sleeping in their own rooms, however, it does not seem to negatively impact SIDS rates.

Bedsharing in the parents bed does not necessarily mean safe planned bedsharing.

Bedsharing in the parents bed does not necessarily mean safe planned bedsharing.

No, it does not, but bedsharing in the parents bed with no parents using drugs, alcohol or smoking is as close to "safe bedsharing" as it gets (from the statistical perspective). Of course, it would always be useful to consider additional factors (e.g. loose bedding, soft mattress, etc) but do we really think it will reduce the fivefold gap to zero? Even if we believe it might, it is not science, it is a one person's opinion which so far does not have evidential support.

FWIW, I chose to ignore the other part of Carpenter's report and put DD into her own room when she was 12 weeks. I didn't kid myself it was safe though. I thought it could've been (based on the Netherlands example where more than 80% of babies sleep in their own room) but I knew it was not supported by existing evidence. It was a conscious choice between safeguarding (minimising SIDS risk) and well-being (making sure my DD does not get disturbed in her sleep - she was a very sensitive sleeper until she learnt to roll and sleep on her tummy). We all make different parenting decisions but it helps if our choices are well informed.

When you’re talking such tiny numbers then you, I can easily believe that the risk is increased fivefold. Accidentally falling asleep holding the baby, not controlling the temperature could easily make such a difference.

@ohholyjesus no need for that. I tried CC as reached end of my tether and it didn't work. DD woke after 45 minutes every night fir months (still does). Weeks of crying for up to 2 hours never got shorter etc. She genuinely wanted a cuddle. Think some babies respond to this method, some don't. But there's no need to suggest all mums who don't do CC and cosleep, gentle parent or whatever believe they are the real mums.

It's entirely personal what you decide to do, as long as you're doing it based on sound medical advice, and having your baby's best interests at heart. I also subscribe to the happy mum = happy baby style. My baby didn't respond well to this method so I went down the more gentle route. Personally it's flipping hard work and God if there was a way to let her sleep soundly at night quickly I'd take it in a heart beat. I know for me, I will sleep soundly when I know she does. Happy baby = happy mummy.

Just don't try and bash other parents for their choices. It's massively hard work what we're all going through so let's just support each other's choices.

Sorry @holyjesus tagged wrong person. Meant @confusedandemployed

My only point i will make is that I wake up even now as an adult and snuggle into my DH and it comforts me. So if my baby does the same then who am I to reject that. I'm thankful she needs me. I'm her mum. The way I see it is when she's 18 she won't need me nearly as much and I'll think back to these days and wish I Was still cuddling that baby. But I totally also understand when you are so sleep deprived you do need to make a change. My only advice would be to think how you will feel after, and if it feels the right thing then do it.

I'm sorry, I do not believe that a healthy, sober person is likely to roll over and crush the trachea of a baby sleeping in the bed beside them in a pre planned manner.

And happy mum = happy baby is rubbish. There are loads of things that would have made me happy but would not have made my baby happy. Happy baby=happy mum makes much more sense.

You're being incredibly smug and dismissive of someone's traumatic experience bertrandrussell.

Well happy mum happy baby helps me. When I’m happy and well rested I feel like a much better mum. DD is happy for getting decent sleep too.

OP doesn’t want to co sleep and that is fine. Neither do lots of people, and they look for other ways to all get some sleep.

I didn't want to do CC and did co sleep sometimes from sheer exhaustion, later I couldn't sleep properly from fear of something happening. My DS was in his cot bed at 3 months but I slept in the nursery with him until 6 months with ear plugs to drown out the snuffling sounds but could hear cries for feeding.
CC is incredibly hard and some parents just can't do it, same as co-sleeping isn't for everyone.
These threads always turn into a bun fight, we really must just listen and support each other. There's no judgment from my side.
OP, you have clearly seen and heard things no one ever should. I so sorry for this. I wish you the best. Lack of sleep is torture and we all need rest to function let alone perform at our best. I wish you all the best xx

There are much gentler methods, gradual retreat, shush/pat etc.
Exhausting a baby to sleep by leaving it to cry is pretty harsh.

“You're being incredibly smug and dismissive of someone's traumatic experience”

No I,m not. I am saying that suggesting crushing a baby’s trachea is a possible consequence of safe planned bed sharing is incredibly irresponsible and scaremongering.

I thought there was research to show that there is no damage to a baby from controlled crying? I was left to cry as a baby, I was a good sleeper and then apparently decided not to be at about 7 months, so on the advice of my grandma my mum left me. I don't think I'm damaged...

I haven't tried it and the thought of it is quite scary as obviously I hate hearing my baby cry for long periods. DS is too little for it at the moment, he's only 4 months and he wouldn't understand, but if he gets to 6 months and isn't sleeping then I will definitely consider it!