Please don’t judge; experiences and opinions welcome: baby in own room from first night at home.

[Paraketamol]

So, let me start with I’m not very, very pregnant yet and things may change, and I suffer from anxiety and I am aware that I benefit from being able to hear others experiences.

Has anyone put baby in it’s own room from the off?

My baby is due in Early February. Between my partner and I, one of us has night terrors - shouting and yelling and very unpredictable. This has recently gotten worse. We are hoping it imwill improve before baby arrives.
My plan had been to have baby in a Moses basket in our room but now I worry baby will suffer because of the night terrors. I am now considering putting baby in their own room from coming home; and having a monitor that monitors breathing and movement. Baby will be across the hall - 7 big strides - I’ve just measured - but away from the sudden shouting.

I will be following all othe guidance, sleeping on their back, using a dummy is baby takes to it etc. My midwife is obviously non-commital and said she’d prefer not to say her opinion.
From talking to the in-laws etc, I think baby in own room used to be more the norm when I was born in the early 80s but SIDS awareness has grown so much now...

Op are you ok? Because I assume it's NOT you with the night terrors (otherwise why wouldn't you just say it's you?) is your partner insisting you stay in with them and Baby does elsewhere?

@littledinaco to me, the risks aren’t the same as putting them in their own room without a monitor - the monitor wakes me if there’s a problem within 20 seconds, without the monitor I’d have no idea for hours. If baby has to be in their own room, with a monitor is better than without.

I do agree they don’t prevent sids, I don’t think there’s anything available yet that can.

I think it would be quite challenging to have the baby in a different room from day 1 if you are planning to breastfeed. Both of my wanted to clusterfeed all night and would only sleep next to me/with my hand on them for the first few nights. Even as that settles down once your milk comes in they still wake frequently to feed and can take a long time to settle. It would certainly be challenging to manage this with the baby in a separate room. You would be struggling to get any sleep at all.
I had c sections with both of mine and while I did use my DH to help with nappy changes passing me the baby etc first time, second time round I needed him to be on fresh form to get up early in the morning with my older one so I pretty much did all the nighttime stuff on my own from the beginning. You can still get up and out of bed even after a c section. You sound very anxious about all of this. Can your midwife help with strategies to manage your anxiety?

I have PTSD related night terrors.

Single mum. None of my 3 children were ever disturbed during the night by me.

All monitors do is let you know quicker that somethings happened. SIDS babies can’t be revived.

We’ve had a SIDS death in the family. 4 weeks. Moses basket. In his own bedroom. So no I wouldn’t.

Thank you all for your comments and shared experiences; I am just (just, haha!) very, very tired - poor sleep and a seriously ill family member - and it is all making my anxiety about a million times worse!

When I’m rational - which is 99% of the time I am very aware that when I’m having my anxious 10 minutes I am definitely picturing all the worst case scenarios!
Needless to say my first post was written in one of those moments!

Gosh No, my partner is not insisting on anything, he is concerned about my anxiety at the moment. I am going to speak to my GP tomorrow - I’m there for an unrelated thing but I know she will listen with regards to my anxiety being sky high.

To those who feel I am being evasive; I was going for vague! I have been “outed” in the real world before; and posting about something that is rather personal - there is sadly still some stigma towards adult sufferers of night terrors and ptsd - meant that I need to remain vague to feel
Like I can’t be outed again.

@Iwantaunicorn
to me, the risks aren’t the same
Statistically, in terms of SIDS, the risks are the same. Yes, you would know straight away if your baby died rather than hours later, which I can understand people would want. But is terms of SIDS, the risk is the same and it’s not really helpful to tell people otherwise.

Unfortunately monitors do create a false sense of security for lots of people who mistakenly think their baby is safer in their own room with a breathing monitor so I think it’s important that people realise this isn’t actually the case.

I don’t think there’s anything available yet that can SIDS isn’t fully understood but we do know that things can be done to reduce the risk (placing baby on back, in same room as parents, not smoking, breastfeeding, use of dummy). Lots of parents can’t or choose not to follow the above (sometimes for often very valid reasons) but if you don’t/can’t do those things then a breathing monitor doesn’t mitigate the additional risk.

I had ELCS and was up looking after the baby that evening after my catheter was out. I breastfeed so that was down to me and no one in hospital offered to change her nappies etc. I was up and down all that night and was fine pain wise (though very very tired). I think you’re over estimating how your c section affects you, you should be pleasantly surprised. It’s a stressful
time being pregnant and all so unknown but with the best will in the world I think you are over thinking here which is fine, we all do it, in fact it is a strict requirement of first time motherhood! Possibly more than first time I just am not there yet.

So yes I don’t think you’ll need your husband to help pick up baby etc but you might like them to do so for first little bit. Like others I too ended up my husband sleeping separately as really I was just quietly changing her nappy and feeding her and didn’t have pain requiring him to help. The first few nights he got up when I did or at least tried to but it didn’t seem like a good use of our “resources”. So he slept separately and then would take her in morning. He’s self employed and works from home and he would bring me tea, change her nappy then take her to his study and put her in Moses basket to nap and bring her up when she woke and wanted fed. it seemed like a good use of our “resources” to have one person doing that and the other one resting so that they take my daughter to their study (husband works from home self employed) for her naps and I could sleep. Then at weekends we’d all sleep together.

If you do continue to seek in same room then I really don’t think your baby will wake up or be too disturbed by a night terror. Babies will notoriously sleep through loud noises (drilling/building works) but jump if you open a packet of biscuits. And my baby was such a noisy thing sleeping it was so surprising, so might not be a quiet silent environment you perhaps imagine now.

You’ll find your feet and what works for you both. It’s trial and error. But i wouldn’t put your baby in a different room personally. My daughter is nearly a year now. They’re tiny and vulnerable and I wanted mine’s next to me and that’s before the SIDs perspective. Angel monitors are fine in my view so long as they’re as an additional measure but I would never use them as substitute for the basic lullaby trust advice of firm flat mattress in same room as you. From convenience point of view, you need to feed and change them so so frequently at the start so it’ll be pain walking even seven strides.

Its not a disaster. It’s a small issue that requires a bit of thought but luckily you have the extra room. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

@littledinaco in my original post I didn’t say a word about sids, or using a monitor to prevent it. I mentioned about them not breathing, that’s it. We can go back and forth all night, but instead I’m going to bow out now.

@Iwantaunicorn maybe I read it wrong then, just with you saying the monitor was the only reason you felt comfortable putting your DC in their own room, I thought you meant it was less of a risk because of the monitor, especially as 2-4 Months is peak SIDS risk.

Apologies if I misunderstood.

I wasn’t criticising at all, sorry if it came across that way. The marketing of these monitors lead so many people to believe their baby is safer using them and ‘ok on their front because of the monitor’ or ‘ok in own room because of the monitor’ etc. Obviously a personal choice, it’s just good if others reading can make an informed decision, that was mainly why I was pointing it out.

Goodnight

Then baby will be fine in with you you'll be amazed at what they'll sleep through in the first 8 weeks or so and after that it'll likely have become normal for them

But baby being woken up is not the main issue is it?

I’m not sure where you read that co-sleeping and sleeping in a separate room carry the same level of risk or whether this was planned safe co-sleeping (which is totally different from just putting baby in bed with you).

I have already provided the link in a different thread:

bmjopen.bmj.com/content/3/5/e002299

This is the most comprehensive study on SIDS available so far. It is not perfect but it is the best information available so far.

Both "safe co-sleeping" and sleeping in different rooms has roughly the same same odds ratio - 2.6-2.7.

Countries like Japan where they co-sleep as standard have one of the lowest SIDS rates in the world.

Yes, the question of Japan always comes up but (1) SIDS rates do vary by ethnicity and people of APAC origin run the lowest level of risk and (2) it is Japan and only Japan. Other countries that practice co-sleeping have got much higher SIDS stats.

winter travel I’m happy to be corrected but I think that study doesn’t determine between planned ‘safe’ co-sleeping and bed sharing, so includes where parents woke up and baby was in bed with them. I think a lot of people either accidentally fall asleep with baby in bed or decide to bring baby into bed during the night without actually setting up for safe co-sleeping.

He also found that there is only one small group with no increased risk of SIDS when bed sharing, namely breast-fed infants over 3 months whose parents do not smoke, and whose mother does not take 2 or more units of alcohol or drugs and does not cosleep on a sofa.
Surely baby in separate room at 3 Months is more risk of SIDS than bed sharing if all above factors are considered.

It’s common for babies to sleep through firework displays, discos, dogs barking etc if they’ve been exposed to the sounds whilst in utero. It’s not a soundproof booth, so you may find baby doesn’t bat an eye at it.

My OH slept in a different room to me and baby for some months due to health reasons (won’t bore you with details ). For me, this would be best best option : you and baby one room and partner in other. You may find partner would prefer it as wouldn’t get woken up as much. However I’m not you, and you may feel differently.
I’m a generally anxious person and my anxiety went through the roof after having my baby. That in itself made me want to keep him sleeping next to me and it was easier to feed.
However two other family members thought I was mad because they put their children in their own rooms from day 2. And also point out frequently how well their kids slept (mine is still up loads every night). Each to their own.

Sorry OP but you really need to be in the same room as the baby. Having a c section doesn't mean you'll both need to be in the same room, I've had four sections and was single after my third one and coped fine by myself.

DH has terrible sleep issues so I slept in a room alone with baby. I had a C-section and it was fine - just have baby next to you.

I tell you this in all seriousness : if you have not long got the baby to sleep and it’s the middle of the night and you’ve finally got into bed and are about to drop off and your DP has a big screaming fit and wakes the baby, it will take everything in your bodily power not to END him. For his own safety he needs to decamp elsewhere.

The number of times you will be up in the night to change and feed will, I imagine, mean you will end up co sleeping or the Moses basket will be next to you.

So as a PP said, with your c section and moving around, just stay with your baby and sleep as much as you can.

@stubble - I’m laughing at your comment. So true so true.

The monitors they use in hospitals are produced to much higher standards (as medical devices) than the ones sold in John Lewis and so on to use in the home. Sadly there’s no evidence that home breathing/movement monitors reduce SIDS risk for otherwise healthy infants at all.

@zzzzz

In terms of knowing if a baby stopped breathing and being able to do something about it, not in terms of SIDS unfortunately.

In some cases if a baby stopped breathing and you were trained in infant resurrection techniques then yes, you may stand a chance of being able to do something about it.

In terms of stopping breathing for other reasons, a monitor wouldn’t help as they do not detect "obstructive apnoea", where breathing movements continue but an obstruction in the windpipe prevents any oxygen reaching the baby's lungs. Or breathing stops because the baby is dead already.

The main problem is people misunderstanding them and thinking that they don’t need to follow SIDS guidelines as they have the monitor. I can understand people feeling ‘safe’ with the monitor and doing things like leaving baby on their tummy or sleeping alone when they wouldn’t do otherwise if they weren’t using a monitor.

If a hospital sends a monitor home for a medical condition, that is completely different than people using a monitor in the believe it will help prevent SIDS.