Feel like I’ve failed as a mum

[HidingUnderTheSofa]

First time mum to a four month old baby, exclusively breastfed. Night time sleep was gradually getting better week by week until 11 weeks when he did a five hour stretch at the beginning of the night.

It was like a switch was flicked- he went from two wake ups/feeds on a good night to anything from four to eight. Longest stretch of the night is generally two to three hours and wake ups are anything from one to two hours for the rest of the night. Night feeds are generally ten to twenty minutes long.

Naps are also a disaster. He wakes up between 25 and 45 minutes after falling asleep. Will generally fall asleep without too much fuss in the pram but naps in the crib involve much more settling.

After six weeks of very broken sleep (and four months in total of poor sleep) I am exhausted and I feel like an utter failure as a parent. I am crying a lot out of both exhaustion and feelings of worthlessness because I feel I am failing so badly. I am surrounded by mum friends whose babies are sleeping much better than my son. I

I am feeling especially awful because my in laws are staying at the moment and of course all of their other grandchildren are/were champion sleepers as babies.

I have read so many sleep books and have tried to extend daytime naps with the hope of improving night time sleep- I can’t get him to settle back to sleep after the 45 minute wake up however hard I try but he’s clearly still tired when he wakes up.

I’ve had a bedtime routine since he was six weeks old and put him down to sleep when he’s sleepy but still awake...but it makes no difference. Last night he still woke up after two hours and four or five times after that.

I’m finding it increasingly hard to settle him down to sleep for naps or at night which is really upsetting too.

I am so, so sad. I feel like I’m failing my son.

@HidingUnderTheSofa I'm sending you the biggest hug and I wish I could come and do it in person. I'm glad your other half helped with settling the baby a few times last night. Hopefully he'll see that his support makes a difference to you and step up a bit more. Is he around this weekend to do his bit?

We didn't have a great night here... I'm giving it one more month and then we're also going to look into sleep training. I've struggled up to now to work out where I stand on needing to help him learn to sleep vs parenting being a 24 hr job, but I think we're reaching the point where we all just need more sleep. So it sounds like we'll be starting to think about it at around the same time - fingers crossed for both of us that things improve in the next month and we don't get to that point, but if we do I'll be here in solidarity with you!

Yes to nice shower gel! My friend gave me some l'Occitane bath salts for my birthday when it was colder (and DD was a newborn) and a hot bath was my saviour, best present ever!

With the sleep training- give it a try. If you don't feel comfortable then you can always step back and say, "we're not ready yet" and try again in another week or month or whatever. I tried sleep training a few times with DD before, but the crying was too much for her and for me- even with me next to her! So I put it on hold and then tried again (and again) later when I knew we'd both be able to handle it better. Don't be undermined by the advice saying you can't quit once you've started- there's nothing wrong in putting it on the back burner for a bit longer if your instincts tell you it's wrong at that time.

@SipperSkipper my manager doesn’t have the best line in empathy, and clearly didn’t have a baby that screamed blue murder if it wanted feeding!

@HidingUnderTheSofa You seem at breaking point and I so wish I could help. I was there last week, I really lost the plot I was so exhausted and beside myself. DH took DD out so I could sleep and I just sobbed. There is however light at the end of the tunnel. Infacol before evening feeds has helped with less frequent evening wakeups, 30 mins to 2 hours instead of 10 minutes. DD is on the move and pulling up to stand so getting more tired physically and some days is napping more in the day for longer periods which has resulted in better evenings.

It’s still very hit and miss, last night she fed 2 hourly again but I have had a few nights of 3 hour stretches of sleep, and another 5 hour stretch! I have given up attempting to impose any kind of routine....it doesn’t work for us and for my own mental health I’m putting it aside for now. I’m lucky in that we can co-sleep and she will bf to sleep quite often still. I too am looking at gentle sleep training in a few weeks. Next month DD will be 6 months so DH and I are going to decide what to try then. For now we co-sleep, rock, bf, pram walk and just about anything to get some sleep.

I hope the GP is able to help, it is well worth a visit in case there is anything they can do to help. Solidarity to you, from one exhausted mum to another, it is a phase and we will survive this.

@HidingUnderTheSofa sorry to hear things haven't improved. It's bloody hard keeping going isn't it? I feel for you. Infacol helped a little, but for us the breakthrough was Colief drops which unfortunately cost about £10 (some GP's will prescribe) it helps the digestion/breaking down of lactose (hope I've got that correct). First night DD had it I thought she had died! She slept 6 hours straight and in the end I woke her as I was worried. She had it for about 6 months and she still struggles with lactose when weaning started and it gradually got better. Gone completely by about 3 years. (She never had tests for an intolerance to lactose as the GP said it was common and she would most likely grow out of it.)

Sorry, that was a ramble and a half. Hope something changes for you soon. Take care.

@catcity thanks so much for the support. I do believe it will get easier...some day it’s just torturous not knowing that’s going to be in one month, or a year or longer. I see a lot of poor mums on sleep threads who are up in the night about as often as I am with babies who are twice my DS’s age. I simply don’t have enough energy in the tank to sustain this for another five months if I had my mum and dad on hand to pop in once a week or so to give me a break, or if my husband worked shorter hours and could take DS from day 5-7am every morning, then life could feel very different. I think little things like that could really take the edge off but they are not options that I have unfortunately.

@Memom interesting about the Infacol!! I can well imagine your reaction to DD sleeping so long!! I remember the one and only time that DS slept for a whopping 5 hours and 45 minutes (when he was 9 or 10 weeks old, a loooong long time ago), I remember waking up in a panic that I wasn’t waking up to DS crying and frantically checking he was still alive. Haven’t used Infacol in ages but I will try tonight to see if we have any joy.

I’ve heard of Colief before but I think that’s the one where you have to mix it with milk first? I haven’t expressed milk in so so long and it sounds like such a faff if you’re not using formula but thanks very much for sharing, so wonderful that you found something that really helped.

@IsItBiggerThanTheBoxItsIn thanks for the solidarity. I have sobbed my heart out a few times this weekend.

I find the mornings really hard. I reflect on the hideous night I’ve just endured and then dreading through a whole day to get through whilst so exhausted.

Thrilled for your five hour stretch! So hoping that you get more of those more consistently. Things are NO better for me. 25 minute naps are the norm and first stretch of sleep is always under three hours now. It makes me feel so crap to write that. After 3am or so it’s really hard to settle DS and I’m lucky if he sleeps for more than an hour at a time after that.

DS doesn’t sleep next to me. Ive tried in desperation in recent weeks but he seems to much prefer being in his cot, he doesn’t settle next to me and doesn’t seem to like feeding lying down so I’d end up having to sit up to feed anyway. sigh.

@Cottipus I feel very nervous about the idea of sleep training. I am so desperate for his sleep to start improving before he turns six months. But no improvement in nearly three months, and in fact things are gradually getting worse, does not leave me hopeful.
I do think if we get to six months and do some sleep training then I want to commit to giving it a really good go. I totally understand what you’re saying but I don’t feel like I’ll be able to survive on my current sleep for much more than he next month so I need to give sleep training a really good shot if we get to that point.

I have been trying some of the gentle methods recommended in the Elizabeth Pantley for so many weeks now eg DS isn’t put down in his cot fully asleep but has never made a blind bit of difference to this whole ‘self settling’ business. How I HATE that phrase!!!!!! Urgh it’s like a stick I use to beat myself.

@thingybobwotsit thank you for the kind words. Have you had a better night since you last posted?

My husband has been around this weekend and has helped resettle DS overnight but I think I actually prefer doing the nights alone and having my husband being able to take the pressure off more during the day on the weekends. Seems a bit pointless for us both to be awake overnight and consequently exhausted.

I’ve struggled up to now to work out where I stand on needing to help him learn to sleep vs parenting being a 24 hr job, but I think we're reaching the point where we all just need more sleep. oh you have hit the nail on the head there. This is exactly how I feel. It pains me to say it and totally reinforces my deep feelings of failure but I can see that my DS isn’t getting enough sleep either, and that’s really hard to take. I feel so responsible for not getting him the rest he needs.

Feeling really low right now. Another horrible night. Six wake ups and have been awake since 4.20am. How can there be no improvement in sleep in nearly three months if anything, things are getting worse. Up until fairly recently I was reliably getting a 3 hour stretch to start with, or thereabouts, which I was grateful for. Now it’s down to two hours at the beginning of the night and then hourly after that. Sorry probably repeating myself and rambling. I just can’t believe how bad it’s become and how exhausted I feel. Having a quick cry in a different room from DS as I type this.
I dread the next wake up now, knowing that at best I’ll get maybe 50 minutes sleep so I’m finding it harder and harder to go back to sleep in between wake ups.
I’ve walked so many miles today, pushing DS around in the pram for naps in the stupid stupid hope that if I get him some sleep in today then the night might be different. Of course it wont. Having to walk for up to half an hour before he will even fall asleep and then half an hour naps on the dot every time.

I’m finding myself feeling really horribly jealous of mum friends whose babies are sleeping better. I know how childish I sound but it feels so UNFAIR that they can actually enjoy their baby.

Oh @HidingUnderTheSofa you poor love that sounds hellish. I understand the envy towards mums who's babys sleep. I envy my own mum so much because all three of us slept so much better than DD does and I feel it's somehow my fault. I hold onto the fact that DH was horrific so it's actually his fault.

Did you see the GP? I hope if you did you at least got some support if no solutions. I have no advice to offer just

Can you afford a maternity nurse? Friends used them and they were a life saver. I refused to because they went over your routine and I very stressed I was failing in some way and they would see this. Honestly I was a muppet and made things worse for myself than they needed to be.
I remember not wanting to fall asleep because I couldn't cope with being woken up again. I had a dream once were I was a giant bird dropping large rocks on squalling turtles heads and smashing them to bits. You don't have to be a skilled dream interpreter for that one. Honestly it does pass and fade and your new good life with dc really kicks into gear.

I’m sorry you’re still struggling- I called the duty health visitor today about DD’s sleep which has gone downhill the last few days (waking every 1-2 hrs last night).

Spoke to a HV who was very sympathetic and had some ideas about what to try - similar to what we’ve been doing but with some tweaks. She reassured me the temporary improvement we saw was a good sign- and also reassured me that sleep problems are very common, especially now we might be in the 8m sleep regression. She also said if things aren’t going to plan to call back and they can send a nursery nurse over the help with the plans.

If you haven’t done already might be worth a call to them to see what they can suggest that’s age appropriate.

Hiding I really do sympathise with you. My first dc slept through from 8 weeks, it was a dream, I felt like a new woman. Then at 14 weeks everything went to pot.

She would wake up after 45 minutes, almost exactly 45 minutes, me and dp used to time it.

I was ebf too and tried everything! Cosleeping didn’t work as I too didn’t find it comfy and lo liked her own space (still does).

I rid the storm for 4 months and was at breaking point. I remember I used to read so many mumsnet threads, years old. I never wanted to sleep train, I’d read comments from people and would sit crying thinking I’d damage her emotionally for attempting it.

Me and dp finally agreed to try it, I will be honest in that he did most (all) of the going back in etc... I would sit and cry, it was awful but I surviving on very little sleep with no immediate support (dp also worked long hours).

I kept thinking, this will be the night, the sleep regression will end tonight and maybe if we had given it more time, it would have ended naturally but I was absolutely on my knees. I was also pregnant so you can imagine.

My lo is now almost three, she is so loving and kind, she has her tantrums of course 🙈 I know not everyone is for sleep training and I respect and understand that, for us it worked.

Good luck, I remember, vividly, how torturous it can be.

hiding - I know how important ebf is to you, but if you were my friend, and we were sitting together in real life, I would plead with you to try some formula. You have EBF for four (five now?) months, through tough, tough times, and that is bloody amazing. I remember how emotionally hard I found giving up BF, and I only did it for 6 weeks!

It may take some time, and isn’t an instant fix, but using formula may mean that you don’t need to resort to sleep training. (Not that there is anything wrong with that at all.)

I can see you are tearing yourself apart, and although planning on sleep training, I can tell you really, really don’t feel comfortable with the idea of this right now.

Hope tonight is a better one for you all.

I respectfully disagree, Sipperskipper. I don't think it sounds like OP's baby is waking due to hunger. If there were someone else to do the night shift then it might help OP to sleep, but otherwise she might just be awake and bottle feeding instead.
My 18wo DS (98th centile for length so not tiny) is still EBF and sleeps much better than my friend's baby who has been fed formula since 6w.
Of course it is OP's choice, but I don't think formula is the answer to most sleep issues (or else all babies would sleep brilliantly from 6m when solids are introduced and the gut bacteria profile is comparable across the spectrum).
Just my opinion though :-)
OP have you given any more consideration to a sleep consultant? It's what these people do for a living and many will have specialist qualifications. It's what I would do if I were in your shoes. You could ask them about reflux, formula feeding etc if you don't have a good rapport with your GP.

OP, I’m so sorry to hear what a tough time you are having. I’ve read the first and last few pages of the thread so apologies if this was covered in the middle, but do you have anyone who will look after DS for three hours once/twice a week so you can get some sleep? I know you said that you don’t have family nearby but perhaps a friend, NCT pal, colleague or even a babysitter? I think sometimes it is important to ask for help. One of my NCT friends has a delightful DD but is a shocker of a sleeper. She is single and has no family nearby. I offered to help and when she was at breaking point, she eventually took up my offer. A true friend would do this and would want to help. All the best.

OP I haven't read the whole thread, so if this isn't relevant/helpful, do totally feel free to ignore - but in case no-one has recommended it yet, have you read the Elizabeth Pantley No Cry Sleep Solution? It is uncomfortable with CC, so if that's the route you are planning to go, it might be a bit guilt inducing. BUT it's also full of parents of children who are 6 months, 9 months, 16 months who have struggled with sleep which for me it just made me feel less 'alone' and like I was the only one who had a crap baby... And it does give a really simple, clear strategy to follow that helps slow you down and calm the 'my baby will neeevveerrr sleeeeeep' panics. I did try CC with ds when he was (I think) about 7-8 months; it didn't work for us, and made me feel pants, so Pantley's alternative ideas were a godsend in just feeling like I had a strategy and was supported. (I should also say ds is now 14, and sleeps brilliantly ;-) It does pass - and no, it didn't take 14 years) Sending much sympathy, and hoping you're asleep now.

The only thing that worked for me is going back to bed in the afternoon. I put baby’s sleeping bag on, draw the curtains and play the sound on Ewan the Dream Sheep (I’m trying to train baby to associate the sound with sleep). Then we get into bed together and we bf and sleep for 2-3 hours. If I don’t sleep with him he won’t sleep.

Reading through this is making me relive my life when dd (now 3) was a baby. Fuck it was hard. I felt i was so far behind, and never did anything as i was constantly trying to get any sleep i could when she napped. In the end i realized she could nap in the buggy for longer so id walk her to sleep just in time to be home again and I'd nap on the sofa. It made a real difference.

It DOES get better, but just know that those mothers with good sleepers are LUCKY and they might not be with their second dc (i know many that this happened to).. not that we wish this on anyone.. well maybe a bit for those particularly braggy ones with the perfect make up and immaculate houses that they can maintain with all their perky well rested time... i digress.

Get help in other ways though. Get dh to put loads of washing on and online food orders. Get a sleep-in on both days of the weekend, do the first feed and hand over to dh.

Know that you're not alone, and you're doing an amazing job

Stop thinking about sleep. Stop posting in this thread. Honestly, it's making it worse for you. Just accept it. It's shit I know. It may be shit for a while, though probably not as shit as it is right now. Weaning is no magic bullet. Formula is no magic bullet. Things just get (slowly) better with time. You are anxious and that's making it hard for you to sleep when your baby does. I had this. Go to ths GP, they can help with this. Also 5HTP supplement can help you get back to sleep easily mid feed. Sorry my advice may sound harsh but I've read this thread and can see myself with DS & looking back I know worrying & trying to fix it achieved nothing. My DD was no better as a sleeper but I didn't attempt to change it, cos she was 2nd child & I knew how it went then, and it was somehow better (til had to return to work earlier than I wanted, a whole other story).

@IsItBiggerThanTheBoxItsIn thank you, yes I saw the GP but they just said to leave DS to cry and go somewhere where I can’t hear him. I am absolutely not going to do that. Thank you for checking in and for the support. How are things with you?

@woodfires yes, we could afford a maternity nurse and it’s sonething that I have considered a few times when I’ve really not felt able to cope. I know in my heart though that I wouldn’t be able to relax enough to sleep whilst DS was with them. I don’t know anyone that’s used one so I’d essentially be leaving DS in the care of a stranger overnight and I just can’t imagine feeling comfortable with that. Maybe because I’m not quite exhausted enough yet but it’s certainly food for thought, thank you.

@Cottipus I’m so glad that you have a supportive HV and that there’s the possibility of an action plan. Just feeling like there’s help on the horizon can be a huge boost can’t it. I told my HV how often DS is waking up and she sounded very surprised. “Oh....he shouldn’t be waking up that much...” then total SILENCE. Geez, always good to feel that you’ve stunned the HV into silence.

@Cantrememberthistime123 thank you, it’s really helpful to hear your experience. I think going from having your baby sleeping through to being the total opposite must be absolutely horrendous. DS has never slept longer than five hours and it was only for maybe two weeks that that was happening so I can’t really remember it that well except that I do remember a brief period of his life where I felt really quite happy and able to cope because I had more energy. If he’d have slept through and then gone to this it would have been soul destroying.

I completely recognise those feelings of desperately hoping that things will get better on their own so you can avoid having to ‘do’ anything about their sleep. After three months of this I am starting to accept that things aren’t going to improve any time soon and I do think I will have to take matters into my own hands. DH and I have agreed that we will do sleep training in a few weeks when DS is six months old. I am hoping we can do a method that doesn’t involve ever leaving him on his own to cry. I am not comfortable with any tears to be honest but I think if we are with DS then it’s not as bad (although possibly worse for us to have to see him upset).

@sipperskipper I can admit on here that wanting to EBF to six months is actually more about me (ego? Or however you want to put it) than it is about DS. And I guess that must make me selfish. But I’ve had some hard disappointments/ not being able to control certain things and I feel like it will mean so much to me to be able to reach that goal. It’s only a few more weeks now and as long as things don’t get any worse I know I can get to that point.

I also feel like introducing formula could replace one problem with another- DS has always had quite a sensitive tummy I think and I have no way of knowing how he would react to it. It doesn’t feel like the right choice for me at the moment but I will reassess in another couple of weeks.

@Rigamorph I also agree that not all of these wake ups can be due to hunger. There are too many of them and too close together to be due to him being starving hungry. I think it has to be about habit/not being able to get back to sleep after waking after sleep cycles. Surely? In which case, would formula make a difference?

Formula didn't make a shred of difference for us. He still woke just as much then it improved, got worse, improved. Depending on teething, illness, regressions.

Still BF at 14 mo, still at least 3 wake ups. Just getting on with it

You're not failing, you're doing your best. We all are

You have to do what you have to to get by. I remember how drained, exhausted, frustrated we all were and it definitely wasn’t a case of leaving her cry.

He would go back in etc... and tbh once she started settling, everyone was happier including her. She wasn’t constantly grumpy.

I never thought I would sleep train, sleep training can sound really harsh but it wasn’t a case of leaving her sobbing her heart out and left alone, I could never do that.

I was just an utterly exhausted mum who had tried almost all possible options.

Good luck, I hope you start getting some sleep soon. I have 2 little ones now and they both sleep relatively well, barring this usual stuff so it really does get better. You might need to intervene but you will get there.

Already on first wake up, 40 mins after putting on DS to bed. I don’t understand why his sleep is getting worse and worse I’m dreading the rest of the night and I don’t know where I’m getting things so wrong

Because baby sleep does get worse as well as better, it's just the way it is

It does not mean you're getting it wrong. It means your baby is developing and sometimes they can't switch off and need help with sleep.

I've had so many nights of up and down the stairs every 40 minutes after 90 minutes persuading him to sleep at all.

It has improved. Somewhat. Not perfect but better.

@HidingUnderTheSofa so much you have said resonates with how I'm feeling. We are currently in the midst of the four month (it's month fucking three) regression with our five month old DS.
I have read every sleep book and article going and what might work one night doesn't the next. Some nights we've been lucky and had five straight hours some nights I've seen every hour of the clock. Lack of sleep is an absolute killer, some days I can't even remember I've been doing I'm so tired.
The advice on this thread is so good and I can't really add anything other than some cheesy advice a friend gave me....today is a new day, I say it every morning when I get up and it does help to keep me positive when I'm at my lowest.
My parents and my husbands are also a long way away and also have smug friends that know everything about babies and their babies all sleep - whatever! It's since come to light they have loads of help from neighbours or friends....no wonder they got bloody sleep.
The only bit of advice I do have is to try and meet like minded people, they're not all perfect mums. I've been lucky with my antenatal group and whilst some of their babies sleep, some don't, they all have one issue or another. It's been great to meet up with them once a week just for coffee and to moan and even cry. It really has helped my mental state.
I've gone down the honestly route with people. In fact at a wedding recently I met a girl with a similar aged baby and I was just honest about how hard it was and how difficult it was. We're now really close and going through all the same things....we've just had a major text whinge and going to meet tomorrow to put the world to rights, even though I'll be exhausted from a lack of sleep.
Sorry I'm going off topic but what I wanted to say is you're doing an amazing job, we all are and we're all just doing what we need to to get us through. This will all pass and there will be a new set of challenges and that will pass (can you tell today is a positive day, tomorrow I'll be crying and not wanting to face the world). If you ever want someone to cry to or just to vent to please PM me xx

@hidingunderthesofa I’m sorry your HV was useless- I had a similarly frustrating conversation with a GP who said that DD should be sleeping through at 8 months and all we needed to do was crying it out for a couple of nights and then she’d sleep through. I don’t believe it would work and I’m not doing it anyway.

Bedtimes are also hard work for us- she goes to bed between 6.30-7.00 usually, sleeps for 30-45 mins then wakes up crying, resettle, repeat and it usually takes a couple of hours in total to get her asleep properly. Every night. What I’ve read points to overtiredness but I can’t do much about that!

There’s a lot going on with her developmentally at the moment- she changes every day- and it must disturb her sleep. That said her sleep is slowly improving (for now). It’s certainly better than the 4-6 months mark. If that gives you any hope.

@HidingUnderTheSofa you certainly aren't getting things wrong! Beating yourself up is not going to help your exhausted mood.

I met a lady in the service station at the weekend that was sobbing her heart out in the ladies, she had lost her bag. It was on her back!! She was exhausted. She said she hadn't slept for more than an hour at a time for months and was sick of people telling her their child slept through etc etc.

You are not alone, it will improve! Take care of yourself