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Sleep

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Original poster

confused.... why's it ok to offer food but not comfort?

52 replies

mabbit · 21/05/2007 22:15

My little girl is a year old now and a very bad sleeper. She wakes every two hours all through the night. A couple of weeks ago Hv told me I was damaging her and must do cc. It didn't work at all. Was horrid and wish I'd never tried. Now she says i've got to stop her feeding at night. Says she doesn't need the food and it's only for comfort and it is i suppose.

But why is it ok to feed her in the night if she's hungry, but not ok to give her comfort if she needs it? Aren't both those needs important? Very confused

OP posts:

aardfark · 21/05/2007 22:16

Mabbit - I am personally horrified for you - your HV is being horrid, you are not HARMING your child to provide her with comfort. What an evil hag.

aviatrix · 21/05/2007 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

aardfark · 21/05/2007 22:18

Sorry, had to get that out my system. Right, I disagree fundamentally with CC. I have a seven month old who feeds almost continually through the night and during the last week we've moved from that, to her getting a feed and waking up at 3:30 - moving ten minutes a day from when she first wakes.

Frankly it's exhausting but it is helping. Have you tried the no cry sleep solution book - I think there is one for toddlers actually. Try some of the ideas in that.

I wouldn't go back to the HV if I were you (unless it is to run her over after work )

cornsilk · 21/05/2007 22:20

Your hv sounds like a cow. Of course you're not damaging her by giving comfort! You sound like a very patient, loving mum.

FrayedKnot · 21/05/2007 22:20

mabbit, please ignore your HV when she says you are "damaging" your DD by eitehr comforting her or feeding her in the night!

What a load of rubbish!

It is neither wrong to feed a baby of 12 months during the night, nor wrong to conmfort them!

If you want to try and extend the lenght of time your DD sleeps for, there are different appraoches - CC is not the only way.

FWIW I continued to feed my DS during the night - for comfort or hunger, I'm not entirely sure, until her was about 14 months, when I felt he was ready to stop the actual feeding. I was preapred to continue comforting him if he needed it, but he didn;t seem to, and started sleeping extremely soundly 7-7 from about 15 months. I suspect it was partly a developmental thing.

Original poster

mabbit · 21/05/2007 22:28

Thanks aardfark. Pressure is coming from everywhere. Dp has moved to the spare bed cos after cc, dd will only sleep with me. My mother thinks i'm being weak 'giving in' to her. It's like every sleep thread i read somebody is saying about needing comfort not food, so stopping night feeds It all feels so wrong. Sometimes i wish everyone would pee off and leave me with my baby.

OP posts:

aardfark · 21/05/2007 22:33

Oh dear, look I have to go off and feed DD now, but would you like me to CAT you and we can compare notes?

aviatrix · 21/05/2007 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kiskidee · 22/05/2007 00:21

in traditional cultures where co-sleeping up to at least the age of 2 dominates, and there are a lot of them, the amount of milk children receive during the night does not vary very much. so, while milk intake during the day decreases with weaning onto solids, the milk intake at night remains fairly constant even up to 2 yrs old.

so bf on demand, every 2 hrs like you are experiencing at night is normal. are you after a gentle method of night weaning or just a bit preoccupied about her sleep habits.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 22/05/2007 00:24

It's all right to provide both

Your HV should be reported for telling you you must do cc

Fair enough if she advises you that it exists and that it's an option; but to tell you you must, is bloody unprofessional and irresponsible imo.

Original poster

mabbit · 22/05/2007 08:04

Thanks for the support everyone I was on a bit of a downer last night.

Kiskidee, I think I was after gentle weaning, because that's what everybody says i should do. I keep reading and being told that if she's feeding for comfort and not food i shouldn't let her. Then it struck me all of a sudden yesterday that why is giving her comfort if she needs it wrong?

Dps mum says i'm letting her get into a bad habit. But don't kids need dummys for comfort for a hell of a long time? Isn't that a worse habit? Why is that better than me giving her comfort? I suppose with a dummy dp wouldn't be in the spare bed worrying about me being tired all the time.

Will show dp your posts later, see if i can get him on my side. hv is calling today, can't seem to leave me alone. Wish i was brave enought to tell her to clear off

OP posts:

bloss · 22/05/2007 08:29

Message withdrawn

fishie · 22/05/2007 08:33

mabbit your strategy sounds perfectly sensible. i think you should 'forget' hv visit is due and go to park instead.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 22/05/2007 08:43

It strikes me that our culture is so profoundly uncomfortable with babies' needs for love and comfort. Honestly, people tie themselves in knots trying to separate food and comfort, when babies are tiny they don't distinguish between the two. We laugh at the strait-laced Victorians, but when I read all this crap about depriving babies of comfort, I wonder how far we've progressed, really I do.

Don't listen to your idiot HV mabbit, she'll only upset you for no good reason.

Original poster

mabbit · 22/05/2007 09:07

Right, I'm going to take your advice fishie and 'forget' about hv being due. God she'll be phoning me all afternoon and dp will have a go, but who cares? I'm sick of everbody telling what to do.

Bloss, i don't think i am fussed actually. it's everybody else who is. I'm not good at going against the grain, never was

OP posts:

kiskidee · 22/05/2007 12:38

"It strikes me that our culture is so profoundly uncomfortable with babies' needs for love and comfort." agree and then we moan when our partners are commitment phobic or practice serial monogamy.

"Honestly, people tie themselves in knots trying to separate food and comfort. " agree - and then we comfort eat later on in life. When a need is met, the need goes away. food and comfort are synonymous for babies and small children.

aardfark · 22/05/2007 13:44

Good for you mabbit - I would call and leave a message after hours to say you are coping fine thank you and need no further advice. If she calls back after that you are within your right to complain to the practice manager AND tell her to sod off.

FrayedKnot · 22/05/2007 20:12

Another thing to consider would be if you are still visiting your HV clinic regularly, stop

Original poster

mabbit · 22/05/2007 21:27

Ok, I took lo to the zoo and we've been out all day! There were two messages from hv, so I called after hours like you said Aardfark and said what you said i should say, if you see what i mean

dp had a real go, cos he thinks i need the support. I've got no family you see. So i said it was all his fault anyway. If he hadn't insisted i do cc when i didn't want to, dd would still be in her cot and he would be in our bed and i would be getting up without him noticing.

Normally i take the path of least resistance, which means going along with everybody else. dp thinks i've lost the plot and that mumsnet is a bad influence

a) i like sleeping with dd
b) mumsnet has made me feel so much better
c) i'm still confused why lots of people think it's ok to feed at night but not comfort.

OP posts:

crayon · 22/05/2007 22:24

Mabbit - I think feeding at night is only a problem if you are sick of it. I actually liked feeding at night, but it had got to the stage where it wasn't once a night, but back to newborn feeding and I was turning into more and more of a zombie.

If you are happy, snuggle up and do it (I'm secretly very jealous and a bit sad that we are trying to cut out the night feed - even though in our situation I really had to try and do it).

DaddyJ · 23/05/2007 09:18

mabbit, why don't you invite your partner to come and have a look at Mumsnet himself?
He deserves credit for taking an interest and wanting to help but maybe reading some
of these sleep threads would give him a more rounded view of things.

If there is one point I would raise with him, from bloke to bloke,
it's that as much as we have a right to form and express an opinion,
the final say on what should be done and when it should be done
has to lie with the mother, i.e. the primary carer who is most in tune with lo.

BikeBug · 23/05/2007 09:29

Mabbit, your comments on my ds's sleep helped me a lot when we were also doing cc on drs advice. And I agree totally about the food/comfort thing, both are needs fgs. I think it's only called into question when you can't cope with the tiredness any more... I used to get very cross on another site when that argument was trotted out for 3-4 month olds. We're back to me and ds in the spare bed to get some decent sleep, so you're not alone in this.

Original poster

mabbit · 23/05/2007 21:52

Thank you Bikebug. I was wondering what happened with you, it was awful reading about your poor little boy crying and re-living our own cc

I'm trying to get dp on my side but he has to work so much at the mo, got a big case on, so he sends his mum in. She's made great friends with hv. It's a nightmare when they're both here together, thought I'd left bullying behind at school. Didn't half get it in the neck today, for avoiding hv yesterday

Would like to get dp to look at mumsnet daddyj, but i've said stuff about him now, so perhaps best not! Anyway, he's always got his head stuck in a pile of papers at the mo. I know he's avoiding talking about things cos he doesn't know to side with me or his mum. I usually do what i'm told if i don't mind too much. So he's thrown off balance a bit.

OP posts:

DaddyJ · 23/05/2007 22:46

So you have three people ganging up on you?!
Well done for standing your ground, mabbit!

And you seem perfectly comfortable with comforting/feeding your lo when you feel she needs it so what's the problem?

kiskidee · 23/05/2007 22:56

i have linked four articles \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=5&threadid=324747&stamp=070518204627here} which may be empowering to help you make your decisions.

as for gentle weaning from feeding every two hours, if you feel you need a break by extending these feeding times, i recommend you making a plan which suits you and your baby. babies are flexible and don't listen to the doomsayers who say that 'you can't ever allow them in your bed' or you 'have to' make them do x, y, or z and you will regret it.

first you may want to consider if you would like your baby in a cot all night, part of the night or none at all. (i can imagine what mil is suggesting along with hv) also think of where the cot is if you are deciding to use one. in your room or in a separate room. these things all have an implication on the outcome.

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