Can't function

[user1485000332]

I cant do this anymore. DD is 12 weeks old. She won't sleep. I've had a total of just under 5 hours sleep since Wednesday morning. Its now Saturday lunch time. At what point is sleep deprivation dangerous?
I have ptsd and bad pnd but waiting till second week of Feb before I can see anyone from the mh team.
She has a dummy, won't tolerate swaddling, won't sleep in a cot/moses basket. Will only sleep when her pram is moving (rocking doesn't work) or usually for short periods in my bed. But she hasn't, apart from the odd hour here and there, since Wednesday slept unless I am holding her over my shoulder walking round or pushing her round in her pram.
I'm too tired to function, I physically keep throwing up if I try to ear or drink and I know it is just because I am tired.
She has seen a doctor, a nurse, and a hv in this time because I thought maybe with the crying something was wrong but there isn't anything. She just wants to be in motion.
My MH is worse than ever. Her dad has been screaming at me for the last hour because I put her down and just left her to scream for 15 minutes so I could go to the toilet sit in the bathroom wishing I had no responsibilities so I could end it all while sobbing hopelessly
He works nights and has just come off a shift so I know he needs sleep, I know I'm being unreasonable because all parents have sleep issues with their kids. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a mom.
Sorry to anyone who reads this I just need to write it down and get it out of me while he gives her a bottle because I'm going to have to have her back in a minute and I love her but the thought of sitting here bouncing her for another 24 hours is so demoralising.

Also I am a long time poster but for some reason my account wont let me sign in so I had to use this one.

Morning OP

Just wanted to check back and see how your week has been?

I had a really good week considering what they have been like. I managed to get dd to sleep for two six hour periods (different days but still!) and took her out both of us showered and her dressed in a matching outfit
And I was brave and got her weighed. She's back on her birth centile!
She's still screaming in pain for 45 mins half an hour after her feeds so I booked her another doctors appointment today and put my forceful cap on. Explained to the doctors how she is after every feed, showed them her distended stomach and told them of my (incredibly long) family history of dairy intolerance/allergies including a younger brother who has a very several allergy (think anaphylaxis). Was fully expecting "its just colic/reflux/constipation/fussiness again and he actually made me cry by being lovely about it and asking why on earth we hadn't tried her on specialist formula yet! (was told not to by hv and previous doctors as she apparently didn't need it) Sorted a prescription there and then for us to try over the next few days and he's phoning Wednesday to see if there is any improvement. If it helps he's making a dietician appointment for her. Just over the moon that he took me seriously and that we can now try to find out what is wrong. He even said its the first time in a long time he HASN'T thought that its just colic. None of my local pharmacies will be able to get the formula in till tomorrow evening but it's ordered. Fingers crossed it helps.
Even if it isn't an intolerance and this doesn't work, having a gp who believes me that this isn't normal baby fussiness is a huge weight off my mind. Having a professionals backing in trying to find what is wrong will hopefully speed up stopping her from being in pain!
Also I have my first physiatrist appointment this week. Really nervous but glad its coming soon.
Thankyou for thinking of me!

Oh also I managed to get her to have a bath without her having a complete melt down! She cried a little at the end but didn't scream start to finish! tiny thing but feels so huge

Call and cancel your HV. She can fuck right off. What a bitch. She is causing you stress when she should be relieving it. And fuck the cleaning and hoovering. Prioritise sleep, you and your baby. Good luck and big hugs.

Two six hour stretches! That's amazing, I'm celebrating for you.
How is your DH? is he helping more? Has he got himself help?

How are you feeling?

I think you should be able to find some support groups for DD's condition on Facebook and maybe on here? My DS has silent reflux and they have been invaluable with tips and tricks.

OP, I am sorry for your loss and hope things are getting better. There are lots of useful suggestions here. One thing that worked for us was this, which you can get quickly through Amazon: http://www.lovetodream.com/Products/Original
You go up to the 50/50 once they can roll over. Mine loved this, and used the 'wings' to carry on rubbing her face but couldn't scratch herself. Much happier in this than in mitts. It's v easy to do as well, as it's just a zip.
Good luck, I know how terrible sleep deprivation is

PS. I second the posters saying ditch your HV!! Seriously, how does she think she's helping? If you've the energy, I'd make a complaint. She's meant to help, not judge your vacuuming FFS

Dp has seen the doctor to ask for some help and been put on a referral list to wait for a space. He's trying though. He was helping a little more but has come down with a foul cold (temperature, hacking cough, pale, sweaty) so he's doing a bit less atm because we are both worried about her catching it.
I'm feeling pretty nervous about going for mu appointment this week but I'm glad its coming soon. Other than tired I'm just taking it one day at a time, house doesn't look great but I've slept and we have been out everyday, even if we've just gone and sat in the cafe attached to where I work and has a hot chocolate together.
Ironically her having a dairy intolerance doesn't scare me at all. My brother who I helped bring up (a lot younger than me) was severely allergic to a lot of things so I think I can handle allergies. Plus she's been gaining weight so its an intolerance not an allergy so not life threatening. Will definitely have a mooch on fb for some support groups though as extra advice never hurts!
I'll definitely have a look into the swaddle up thing, it would be brilliant if she likes it!
I have phoned yesterday and asked to speak to the manager of the hv service in my area, (not sure if that's what they call them but they knew who I meant) she's in today so I'm going to tell her everything and explain that I'm incredibly unhappy that when I was at my lowest with my MH she was very intimidating and had a lot of very stupid, possibly even dangerous, ideas to do with my physical health (hoovering 1.5 weeks after section). I am happy to continue getting her weighed once a month at a clinic, especially while we are trialing this formula so that we can check she doesn't start losing again, but I DO NOT want that woman in my home again. I have a perinatal support worker who comes once a week who is more than capable of bringing any concerns to the correct officials and DD will have to see her gp every 2 weeks while we trial formulas so there will be someone "monitoring" both of us. If they really want to send someone out they can send a different hv.
Going to have to be incredibly clear I think, I already told her she was not welcome here and she still turned up last week. (I didn't let her in) I feel her use of constant threats and intimidation are VERY counter productive and if they feel this requires a ss referral then that's what they have to do, but I have the mh team and dds new gp completely and utterly in my corner and willing to provide professional witnesses that dd is fine and I'm doing everything I can for her.