Can't function

[user1485000332]

I cant do this anymore. DD is 12 weeks old. She won't sleep. I've had a total of just under 5 hours sleep since Wednesday morning. Its now Saturday lunch time. At what point is sleep deprivation dangerous?
I have ptsd and bad pnd but waiting till second week of Feb before I can see anyone from the mh team.
She has a dummy, won't tolerate swaddling, won't sleep in a cot/moses basket. Will only sleep when her pram is moving (rocking doesn't work) or usually for short periods in my bed. But she hasn't, apart from the odd hour here and there, since Wednesday slept unless I am holding her over my shoulder walking round or pushing her round in her pram.
I'm too tired to function, I physically keep throwing up if I try to ear or drink and I know it is just because I am tired.
She has seen a doctor, a nurse, and a hv in this time because I thought maybe with the crying something was wrong but there isn't anything. She just wants to be in motion.
My MH is worse than ever. Her dad has been screaming at me for the last hour because I put her down and just left her to scream for 15 minutes so I could go to the toilet sit in the bathroom wishing I had no responsibilities so I could end it all while sobbing hopelessly
He works nights and has just come off a shift so I know he needs sleep, I know I'm being unreasonable because all parents have sleep issues with their kids. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a mom.
Sorry to anyone who reads this I just need to write it down and get it out of me while he gives her a bottle because I'm going to have to have her back in a minute and I love her but the thought of sitting here bouncing her for another 24 hours is so demoralising.

Also I am a long time poster but for some reason my account wont let me sign in so I had to use this one.

[anametouse]

Not worried about your Dd you are clearly a good mum. I would maybe talk to the mental health team about the options of a mH mother and baby placement (not social services one) also request emdr for your ptsd if possible

(Can't your partner take your daughter to town without you?)

Sorry to hear about your parents too

[AnnaT45]

That HV is a disgrace. You can't hoover 1.5 weeks after a section. I would request another one and complain. Your baby isn't crawling so it's not essential for clean floors.

I feel for you on lack of sleep. Have you tried co sleeping? It's the only way I can sleep. You could also try putting the baby down on Its side to see if that helps. A lot of babies hate being on their backs. Have you had all checks for reflux etc?

Also agree that DH needs to be more supportive. He can't have a big sleep, meal cooked and computer time. He needs to realise you have no support and right now you're the priority. Two hours on his days off is not good enough. Get him to take baby to town and get some sleep!

[AnnaT45]

Oh and have you tried a swing chair? They are fab for motion and mind both slept well in them which gave me some rest too!

[PetalMettle]

Ah that's a real shame about your family. What a rough time of it you've had. We had a hammock for ds and he slept well but I'm loath to recommend it in case if doesn't for you.
M and B unit sounds like something worse investigating

[cherrycrumblecustard]

Lack of sleep will massively exacerbate existing mh problems: you could have the best ADs in the world and all the counselling you. Want on tap, it won't work if you're averageing one hour of sleep per night.

I feel for your partner too as night shifts are a killer. Nightmare. I think in your shoes the best thing might be for him to be signed off for a few nights. You can get some sleep then while you share DDs care and then hopefully this will make a way forward in getting her to sleep

[Christmascrackedit]

What about dps parents? I really wish I could help. If you were my friend I would be there and do the chores and walk the baby around the house. It's enevitibly going to get better. Absolutely will. Your partner can rush about cleaning before the HV arrives. But you do need to complain about her. She sounds threatening!
For what it's worth, I was always told by health professionals that its extremely rare that babies and mothers are separated. If SS we're involved they wouldn't separate you, especially as you are of no threat to dd. You just need support and sleep.
What is dp like? Do you think he is supportive? What if you showed him this thread?

[3andamdone]

I agree with FATE's early advice, in your first post you describe feeling very low, you cannot wait till Feb with these feelings. Please contact your GP/ mh team and make sure they now how you feel and get some urgent help. If you don't feel safe go to a and e.

I am so sorry you have had such a difficult time and your HV is adding to the pressure, she should be looking for supports for you. If your family is difficult is there anyone else, friend, partner family etc who could stay with you for a couple fo days or help you out?

There is an organisation called homestart which provides volunteers to families who need support, my friend had a volunteer when she had twins, they fit the support to what you need. You can google and contact them yourself if you like

Have you yried white noise for settling baby. My dd needed it really loud at first and then we slowly turned to volume down when she was settled. Also putting books or something under the legs of the Moses basket at the head end helped us a bit, keeps them elevated a bit but still on firm flat mattress as sids advice says.

You are doing a fantastic job under such difficult circumstances you are a great mum

[SmallBee]

Morning @user1485000332 just wanted to check in and see how you are coping? Have you contacted Pandas or Homestart?
Really hope you have managed some more sleep.

[user1485000332]

Thankyou for thinking of me @SmallBee I'm coping a little better, managed two hours sleep the other night then a whole four last night which was amazing! I've sent pandas an email to their support line and waiting for a reply. Also emailed homestart but their nearest group is over an hour and half away by car so I doubt they will be able to help. I live in the middle of nowhere.

Didn't know they did mh mother and baby placement but I will mention it to the mh team when I see them. I think I'd feel more secure with that than a ss one. Have also had emdr mentioned a few times, they want the psychiatrist to refer me when I see them in Feb. Counting down the days now, keep reminding myself its getting closer.
We take our shoes off at the door so the floors never get particularly dirty, just general fluff off slipper socks usually apart from in the corridor at the entrance. I did end up hoovering while she was still here that day and have done it weekly since, I know the hospital say not to for 6 weeks post section but keeping my DD was more important.
She had reflux as a tiny baby but all the symptoms have gone and she will happily lie down now on the condition she is moving while lay down.
We bought a swing chair yesterday so huge thanks to @AnnaT45 as she was in this last night while I napped on the sofa for a couple of hours before I took her to bed.
Dp can't get more time off work. He is on a written warning about absence because of coming home to look after me before, if he has more time off within the next 6 months he will have to have a meeting with the managers and 90% of cases get fired at this meeting. We cannot afford to live without his wage even if I cut short my maternity and went back to work tomorrow.
I do feel the HV is very threatening and I have phoned to request another but at the moment she is the only one of three in the cluster of small villages I live in that has any room on her books. (think I know why) I also made a complaint but was told that she is only looking out for DDs best interests as I should be too
The logical side of my brain knows that ss are very unlikely to separate a mom and her child but I also know that they are only humans and mistakes can be and are sometimes made, so with this hv twisting things my anxiety just twists and twists till I end up a historical mess everytime she threatens me with them. I know it's completely irrational whilst I am calm and that even if a mistake was made i could fight it, but i can't seem to remember this after she has been here.
Dp is generally very supportive and caring, he just doesn't cope with her crying and gets very frustrated at having to hold her and move her round all the time. He wants me to persist with controlled crying but he did it once for half hour and she did not settle just became more and more distressed until i screamed at him and went to get her. I know this wasn't the right reaction on mu part and did apologise. I will let her fuss for five-ten minutes if she isn't distressed to see if she will doze off but when she is like that i don't see how leaving her could help. I don't think showing him this would help, but I will keep mentioning to him that I need more help.
I am in very regular contact with my gp I promise and I am very honest with them. My gp is absolutely lovely and phones me once a week to see how I am. He knows how low I am and has like you said if I feel unsafe I must go to a&e and has put a letter on my digital medical notes explaining my situation so if I do go the mh team there will know about me. I do feel very low and in my first post felt lower than I have in years but I promise I wouldn't do anything to harm my daughter, and I know that harming myself would hurt her so I certainly wouldn't hurt myself either.
There really is noone around I can ask for help who I haven't already, dp is nc with his family (historical abuse which I wont detail but has only recently finished being dealt with).
Her Moses basket and cot are raised at head end from when she had her reflux but she still doesn't like sleeping in them.
I know cosleeping isn't advised because of the did risk and this terrifies me but I follow all the advise over how to do it safely. I hate the thought I am putting her at risk and do feel very guilty over this especially as I am not bf which seems to offer some protection to babies against this but I simply cant get her to sleep in her own Moses basket or cot and I can't go without the sleep I am getting.

[Christmascrackedit]

More people co-sleep than is let on. It's a lovely way to bond if done safely. I was advised to by hospital midwives unbelievably!! Isn't there an allowance for parents to take unpaid agreed time off for dependence? I think it's 1 or 2 weeks a year. I'll look into it later. Dp should know his rights for future reference. Glad you feel you are coping a little better. Was thinking of your thread all day. Early months of motherhood is difficult enough even with mh issues adding to it! I don't know if it would help, but me and my dp watched a load of really stupid funny shows to get through... Impractical jokers and whose line is it anyway... Just to cheer up. Worked sometimes by taking mind off lack of sleep!

[ElphabaTheGreen]

When I went back to work full-time, both of my babies were still on a minimum of six wake-ups a night, and co-sleeping was the only way they would stay asleep for their 1-2 hour bursts of sleep. I did all the wakings because I had no choice - they wouldn't settle for DH, they didn't respond to any sleep training. I also worked during the day (on my feet as a senior clinician in a hospital) because I had no choice. I also have decades of MH problems. We are all still alive. Working on no sleep is entirely doable if you accept there is no choice, and I really don't think there is in this case.

Your DP really, really needs to step up more. Fuck his 'time to himself'. I would have given my right arm for six hours of unbroken sleep back then. I really can't see why he thinks sending the mother of his child for inpatient psychiatric care is a preferable option to him dropping two hours of sleep to give you more support.

[Elguapo]

Have you had your DD checked for reflux? Your DD sounds an awful lot like our DS. It took some strong arming our GP and demanding that he was checked for reflux and sure enough he had severe reflux. Once we started giving him the prescribed Ranitidine, his crying reduced a lot and he slept much better and so did we.

[user1485000332]

Sorry about moaning I honestly didn't mean too, I'm just struggling to keep going on so little. I know lots have it far worse than me and I need to just buck my ideas up. Didn't mean I was trying to find another choice if there wasn't one, I just thought telling the mumsnet world might help because I have seen so much fabulous advice and support given on here and have had lots myself on this thread.
Very very sorry for moaning so much. And thankyou to everyone for the help. I'll just keep reminding myself its doable and I'm being ridiculous as many people have it worse. Sorry

[Coconut0il]

You don't need to be sorry for anything user148. It's so tough, nothing prepares you for the sleepless nights. I agree with a previous poster that many more people co sleep than admit it in real life. I co slept with DS1 from the very first night in hospital when the midwife put him next to me. I'm currently co sleeping with DS2, 17 months. Do whatever you need to get some sleep.
Repeat to yourself that it will get better. It's not going to be this way forever.

[TheGrumpySquirrel]

Another voice here saying your partner has to sacrifice a bit of his sleep - outraged actually that he is getting 6 hours unbroken sleep and you are getting none!!!

[TheGrumpySquirrel]

Omg just re read.. he is currently getting more than six hours! Sorry OP he is being selfish. Your MH is not going to improve if you can't get a decent stretch of sleep.

[Christmascrackedit]

You are not moaning!! No need to be sorry! Give yourself a break! You deserve to treat yourself better! Most people find the first 12 weeks are the hardest. 4th trimester and all. It will get better, and your baby will be smiling at you and laughing soon and be doing more and more to wear himself out for the big sleep! I know Gina Ford is a bad word here on mumsnet, but her bedtime routine worked wonders for mine. Bath, story in the night garden for us then milk in dark room, dream feed at 10/11pm to avoid waking up. Don't feel bad about posting!

[Christmascrackedit]

I'm sorry-typo. Herself out*

[Chocolateorangegoblin]

If your baby had reflux when they were born they are quite likely to still have it now. I don't thinkost babies outgrow it until they can sit up etc. Can you ask the Dr about reflux meds? Or cow's milk intolerance? My children both had reflux and CMPI and were generally happy until it came to drinking milk or sleeping. They were both putting on weight etc so that does not mean that everything is fine.

Also nobody is suggesting you should suck it up, your situation sounds really tough but you will get help and it will get better I promise you.

What about getting a sleepyhead thing? They are meant to be a godsend. Or we used a rolled up towel to make a kind of neat for DS in his cot so he wouldn't startle himself awake so much, like a big U shape under the sheet? Worth a try!

Has your DP not got any holiday he could take? He is entitled to parental leave, up to four weeks unpaid a year I think it is if he requests it in advance I think most employers would agree to it or they have to give a good reason why not. Have a look on the yougov pages.

[SmallBee]

You weren't moaning you were looking for support but even if you are moaning... Go for it! You absolutely deserve to be moaning. You have it hard, really hard. Its ok to vent.
I coslept last night with DS because I wasn't getting any sleep. As long as you do it safely and research it you should be fine.

I know it costs at lot but as your DH is unable/unwilling to help more could you possibly look into paying for a night Nanny? It'd be worth every single penny. i have fantasies about getting one

[ElphabaTheGreen]

OP - I think you have misunderstood my post. I was pointing out that your DP is being a total arse and that working on very, very broken sleep is completely doable. You're not even expecting him to work on very broken sleep - just slightly less sleep than he's used to, and he needs to grow a pair. It's his baby too. HE has to see himself as having no choice is what I'm saying.

[user1485000332]

Sorry I had misunderstood and reread my messages and realised how whingey I sounded I really do love my DD and I know the sleeplessness will be worth it. When she smiles and laughs it really does make everything seem better I just struggle the most when she is distressed and I haven't slept and I can't help her to feel better.
Little one will shower with me or dp in a morning because she hates a bath, and will scream till she is sick then take up to two hours to calm down which is the biggest problem for us with Gina ford but I do try to dream feed when she is asleep if she sleeps for more than an hour without being jiggled.
The swing chair has helped and given me chance to get some sleep which is a relief.
She has gaviscon for her reflux but while it was a godsend when she was tiny it does nothing now she is bigger, plus she no longer has yoghurt breath or very sour smelling breath, but i will mention it to the gp/hv again. The nurse also mentioned the other day when doing her second lot of vaccines that my DD has the same symptoms as her son had when he had lactose intolerance and had to be on special formula. I had wondered about lactose intolerance/milk allergy because almost every female in my family (barring me) has this, and my brother has a life threatening allergy to milk, but my daughters gp was adamant it was not (no tests just dismissed me when I asked). I'm going to go back and ask again, try to be more forceful with him. The excuse given for knowing she doesn't have a dairy issue was she is gaining weight but I'm not happy with that response.
Sadly dps holiday for the year is already prebooked and they wont allow him to move it for the same reason they wont allow him to have any time unpaid, they just keep saying without him they will be far too short staffed and that the next disciplinary he has for absence will be progressed to them thinking about terminating his contract.
We couldn't afford a night nanny sadly. I have had the odd fantasy about this, because she would be here in my home so I could see my little one was being cared for if/when I woke up. We aren't struggling on dps wages and maternity pay but we haven't enough for that sadly.
Sounds ridiculous but I've managed to finish crocheting a blanket for dd. Its not huge but its pretty and as someone who couldn't crochet when dd was born I'm really proud. Seeing her snuggled up in it smiling and stroking the wool has made me feel a bit better about myself. I'm glad I could do something she obviously enjoys for her.
Thankyou everyone for the support and I'm sorry I overreacted and disappeared to take a few days to myself. I had misunderstood and got upset. I'm too sensitive at the moment to think sensibly

[SmallBee]

Definitely go back to your gp, see if you can get a different one? Gaviscon is notorious for wearing off so she can be given something stronger. Fb has a few reflux baby support groups you can find and join and the mums can give you advice on what to say to the GP.

Please can we see pictures of the blanket? Sounds amazing!

[user1485000332]

I've got to go today for my 6 week post section check (13 weeks after she was born ) but I will book her an appointment then. Hopefully they can do something to help her.
Told her dad I'd asked for advice and that the general consensus was that he needed to do a bit more and he's gone mad that he can't and that I have maternity leave specifically to care for her he was only having her on a morning when he was working to do me a favour and that if I'm that ungrateful he will stop. Had to wash and sterilise her bottles, do the washing up and sterilise her bottles with her strapped to me in her carrier today. did get four hours of sleep last night though thankfully!

[user1485000332]

Oops! Blanket photo! its not much but she seems to like it