Can't function

[user1485000332]

I cant do this anymore. DD is 12 weeks old. She won't sleep. I've had a total of just under 5 hours sleep since Wednesday morning. Its now Saturday lunch time. At what point is sleep deprivation dangerous?
I have ptsd and bad pnd but waiting till second week of Feb before I can see anyone from the mh team.
She has a dummy, won't tolerate swaddling, won't sleep in a cot/moses basket. Will only sleep when her pram is moving (rocking doesn't work) or usually for short periods in my bed. But she hasn't, apart from the odd hour here and there, since Wednesday slept unless I am holding her over my shoulder walking round or pushing her round in her pram.
I'm too tired to function, I physically keep throwing up if I try to ear or drink and I know it is just because I am tired.
She has seen a doctor, a nurse, and a hv in this time because I thought maybe with the crying something was wrong but there isn't anything. She just wants to be in motion.
My MH is worse than ever. Her dad has been screaming at me for the last hour because I put her down and just left her to scream for 15 minutes so I could go to the toilet sit in the bathroom wishing I had no responsibilities so I could end it all while sobbing hopelessly
He works nights and has just come off a shift so I know he needs sleep, I know I'm being unreasonable because all parents have sleep issues with their kids. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a mom.
Sorry to anyone who reads this I just need to write it down and get it out of me while he gives her a bottle because I'm going to have to have her back in a minute and I love her but the thought of sitting here bouncing her for another 24 hours is so demoralising.

Also I am a long time poster but for some reason my account wont let me sign in so I had to use this one.

Oh love, 'doing you a favour' !!!!!! You need to sort out your relationship now, or this will only get worse. Who will be responsible for wraparound childcare/taking time off when DC is ill? My guess is you, at this rate. He cannot distance himself from his responsibilities, this is his child too. If this is his attitude, I would stop doing everything that benefits him, and just look after yourself and the baby. What a selfish knob!

I am so sorry you are going through this, but it will get better sleepwise. Not so sure about your relationship though. If he doesn't step up now, you will always resent him for not helping you.

That blanket is beautiful, I can't believe you did that whilst sleep deprived, I couldn't manage that even if I was in full possession of my faculties. You are obviously very strong, even if you can't see it now.

Blanket is very impressive!! You are doing ace

Love, your DH is being an arse. I know it must be hard to hear that right now but just bank it at the back of your mind for now. You deserve much better than this

Also your GP sounds like an arse, is there another you can move to?

This sounds so, so hard!!

I'm really sorry to say it but the way your partner is behaving is so incredibly selfish.

The first 12 weeks of my DS's life were torturous, I was beyond exhausted and life felt very bleak.

I'd had a c-section and for the first month or so my DH did everything around the house, he wouldn't let me lift a finger in terms of housework.

Our general way of life was before he left for work in the morning he'd make me a packed lunch and pop it in the fridge for me so I didn't have to worry about finding time to get myself something to eat. He would usually leave for work at about 7.30am and then come home at 5pm. He would take DS off me and I would go straight to bed for approximately two hours and during that time he'd cook dinner so it was ready for when I woke up.

After we'd had our dinner we would bath DS together and then DS and I would head up to bed. DH then tended to wash up and then have an hour to himself in front of the TV before coming up to bed and we'd both be asleep by about 10pm. DS would usually wake at about midnight and cluster feed for about an hour and during this time DH would often sit up with me because he was worried I would fall asleep whilst holding DS. Following that feed DH would then go to the spare room so he could get a good 6 hour block of sleep before getting up for work and then the cycle would start again. He worked Mon-Fri and on both Saturday and Sunday mornings he would take DS downstairs after his morning feed (about 7.30am-ish) and leave me to get some more sleep.

Having your partner's support is so, so important and I can't believe he's just sitting back and watching you struggle like this.

My DS also showed signs of reflux/colic which didn't help matters. When my HV visited at 4 weeks of age I just cried and cried for hours and told her that I just couldn't cope anymore because I was so exhausted and struggling so much with DS not sleeping. She advised Infacol which although worked at first it soon wore off but at 8 weeks old he was started on Ranitidine for silent reflux and we saw an improvement in his sleep very quickly.

You are a very strong and loving mother - I don't know how on earth you're coping as I know I wouldn't be - so you should be so proud of yourself for still managing to care for your baby so well in such difficult times.

Writer You have a gold-standard DH there! Mine wasn't even close to that, but he still didn't fall into the 'unequivocal cunt' category that OP's 'D'H occupies.

You do know he is being a complete twat, OP? Implying that YOU should be GRATEFUL when he looks after HIS OWN CHILD? What rock did you find him under? Send him back there, stat. It sounds like you're doing all the work anyway, so it's not like there'd be a noticeable increase in labour if you sent him packing.

I know elphbaba - he has his faults but I'm very, very lucky to have him in lots of ways. He was wonderful. Our DS is 2yrs 9m now and I'm currently pregnant with DC2 and knowing that I will have my DH's support and help is making the thought of those new born days all over again much less scary

Oh OP I'm so angry for you.
I'm trying really hard not to insult your DH but it's really hard.
You don't need to be grateful, he is supposed to be your daughters parent, he should be just as hands on as you are when he is home. The fact that he isn't is really really shitty.
How does what he has said made you feel?

What does he actually add to your life aside from a pay cheque? Because he isn't caring for his daughter or you. Does he cook? Clean? Do the shopping? Do the washing? Do anything for anyone else ever?

What is his plan for when you go back to work? I'm guessing he just expects you to work and do all the childcare?

You need to decide what is acceptable to you and have a very serious talk with him. You need to nip this in the bud now or else this will be how your life is. Defending the shitty behaviour of him to everyone you know while you struggle on alone.

Op - have you tried a rocking swing, will give you some time to doze if she'll sleep in it?

Just be aware though that some rocking swings are not designed to be used if the baby isn't being watched (I.e if a parent is asleep) due to the risks of asphyxiation - much like why babies shouldn't be left sleeping in car seats if it can be avoided.

So just be sure OP that if you do leave your baby asleep in something that isn't a cot/Moses basket/on your bed etc whilst you sleep that it isn't something that poses any risks.

Op. Your dp can fuck right off. What a bastard ! How dare he.

Maybe should solely look after your dd or and do none of the other stuff. No cooking for him, no washing clothes. Explain you are too busy to help with his chores as your job is the baby. I'd be inclined to make myself scarce when he gets home so he doesn't even get to enjoy your company or your beautiful baby. Selfish twat.

You are doing an amazing job though Op. Don't let any one put you down! You love your baby and she loves you. You (and all caring loving mothers no matter how much they are struggling) deserve to be treated with respect and appreciation. And you are getting support here, so hang in there!!

Well maybe don't say or do that as it's sinking to his level! I'm annoyed on your behalf :(

I should have said, I get her to sleep in the swing then move her quickly to my bed when I'm sure she's aslsep, she doesn't stay in the swing all night but it is one that she is lay flat in. It just seems to make a difference that she wasn't in my arms when she fell asleep so she is happier to be asleep not being held. Thankyou for the concern tho writer, if I hadn't known it could have been life saving info!
The doing me a favour this morning did really wind me up. One of the girls from my work I've only known a couple of months (department move) met up with me and we had a lovely day, sat chatting for ages and she asked me to show her how to crochet, she came to my docs appointment with me and held little one while the doctor checked me over and then we went to costa and treated ourselves to a hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows Not a huge day but lovely to have the company, hadn't realised just how well we would get on because we haven't known each other long. Was really nice
Dp was upset when I got home, he had decided I had taken baby and left him because I didn't tell him I was going out but tbf he stormed off to bed so I hadn't had time anyway, not my problem . He did behave in the evening though thank god! He obviously knew what he had done was wrong because he was really upset.
Have actually had around six hours sleep tonight! Little ones not long woken for a feed and we fell asleep at about ten which is amazing, think my friend did her as much good as me!
I don't have another go surgery but i have requested that they move my little one over to the doctor who sees me who has been so good instead of leaving her with the one she has been seeing.
Relieved after seeing the docs, my stomach pain is because I have quite a lot of adhesions around my scar, nothing serious!
In honesty I know dps behavior yesterday was bloody unacceptable, I don't feel guilty about him being upset and scared in the slightest. He obviously needed it to realise himself. (he could have called/2 me to check and didn't because he didn't think I would reply. I would have but meh his choice).
Thankyou for the lovely comments about her blanket I found when I am feeling my worst crocheting is good because I can do it even holding her, and it grounds me giving me something soothingly repetitive to do. Its nice to feel like I have accomplished something aswell instead of just being sat with her all the time.
I have also much to his disgust arranged to go out on Monday for a few hours without him or... Shock horror... My daughter. He will be caring for her for a while. He is good when he's on holiday from work so I know they will be ok and I think it might show him just a glimpse of how hard it actually can be. I'm anxious not being near her for those hours but I'm only ten minutes away so could get home if anything happens and I think I need to convince myself that she can survive not being with me 24/7 that way maybe I can leave her with someone and get some sleep. I'm hoping this helps. Feel bad for leaving her when she's so little but its not for long, I'm not far, and she's with her dad not a stranger so I know its my own problems causing the guilt not that there is actually anything to feel guilty about.
Thankyou everyone for your support!

Oops sorry for the epically long posts

user

Thought I should update you all, my dp walked in this morning, made a bottle and me a cup of tea, picked little one up, asked how I slept as he gave her her bottle then took her to bed with him for her morning nap. I know he's been shitty the last few weeks but he really isn't a bad guy normally and this is more like him. He was asking if guys can get post natal of sorts aswell so he is going to book a doctors appointment on Monday because he said his behaviour has been ridiculous and he is just exhausted and grouchy all the time but doesn't know why.
Thankyou everyone for the support you have given me :)

That's sounding positive user, all the best to you and your lovely family.
Beautiful blanket btw!

Thankyou, I'm glad he's realised that there is a problem.
Little one isn't coping again, she's been screaming since half one (five and half hours) nothing will calm her down. Feels a bit easier to cope with when I've had some sleep though!

It's also nice to feel on the same team again. My 9 month old isn't a sleeper (up every 10-40 mins last 3 nights) but we sleep in shifts (both work). It's hard but I have the worst sleeper I know. Hope the sleep improves .

Glad things are getting better! Do you think DP investigated the thread? I think we may have all been through it at some point so got touchy about him not helping you!
Ah, one day in the next few months the screaming will be for specific reasons. These reasons will be ridiculous, but they will be for reasons you understand. Like 'Why won't you let me help unload the washing machine??' (full of dirty washing) or 'Why can't I have some of your coffee??' or 'Give me your phone!'.

..I think this started at 8 months! :D

I didn't tell him where I asked so he wouldn't know where to look, but I did tell him that a lot of people thought he needed to do more. I think when he got up for work last night to discover i was out and he didn't know where/if I was coming back it scared him and reminded him what I had said everyone was saying. He was genuinely scared when I got home.
I think once she can actually tell me why she is crying I will be easier to manage because I won't be panicking that there is something seriously wrong that we haven't found.
I've got to get her weighed week coming and I'm already panicking about it. Had some problems with weight gain when she was tiny until I quit bf and the hv is horrid about it if she isn't exactly right. Actually missed the last clinic because I ended up vomiting on the morning I was so stressed. Couldn't justify going after that incase it wasn't stress and I made someone else's baby sick
I think I need to really start sucking it up

Sounds like your HV is causing you more stress rather than helping! Try not to worry too much xx

Yeah, your HV is just awful. Say you don't want to see a HV anymore unless you get a different one. You don't have to see her my any laws!

She's thankfully not coming to the house but apparently I have to have dd weighed every four weeks to ensure she is thriving till one year old and only the hv can do this. My doctors' surgery /the nurse won't/can't do it and apparently they have to weigh them and record it.
Has anyone else heard of this or is this just my hv being a bully again? She said it was nhs policy and she would have to makes ss referral if I didn't attend the clinic to get her weighed.
Seems ridiculous because she sees the doc (I have to go once a month minimum usually more for a check up) so often if she wasn't thriving they would have noticed surely

Yes! Great news OP. So glad for the three of you.

Men absolutely get PND so please encourage him to reach out. There are local PND support groups in my area so it might be worth having a Google search for your area. I'd suggest asking your hv but she's so fucking useless I wouldn't if I were you.

Also the blanket looks bloody brilliant. Have you been over to the Woolly Hugs part of the forum?

Sorry finally got my name change to stick after ages of trying o.O
We googled round for pnd in men but there really doesn't seem to be much, another mh department that's sadly lacking in actual support. He's definitely going to head to the doctors to ask for some support and I'm going to mention it to my MH support team see if they have any ideas/suggestions as to where he could go. Not going to tell demon witch (hv) though as I'm sure this will be another thing she threatens us with ss for.
I'm beginning to think its all empty threats from her anyway, she constantly threatens but surely if she was genuinely concerned about all of these things then she would actually make a referral not just keep threatening. I think she is being a bully easier to see how unreasonable her behaviour is and think about it logically when I've slept

I hadn't looked at woolly hugs because I only learnt to crochet a few weeks back long term cross stitcher instead but I think I'm going to go have a mooch now!

Glad to hear your H is developing some reflective skills, OP! I hope things stay on the right track. I always LOL and LOL and LOL when people say 'a baby will strengthen our relationship'. Buuuuulll-sheeeeeit! Test it to breaking point, more like.

That is hogswash about needing to get your baby weighed every four weeks. I literally didn't even know it was 'a thing' with DS1 (they had weighing clinics but my HV forgot to tell me about them), so never took him. I took DS2 exactly once because I didn't have a decent scale at home and wasn't sure if he was exceeding the weight limit for his car seat because he seemed awfully big for it. I really think those clinics serve mainly to generate anxiety, and perpetuate obsessive behaviours in mothers who are at risk of/already have PND. I accept that it's a way for HVs to keep an eye on mothers as well, but what can they realistically do for a mother's psychological well-being in a packed room full of screaming babies, while simultaneously giving the mother irrational anxieties about their (perfectly healthy) baby's weight?

Case in point - DS2, it transpired, had plummeted off his original weight centile line on the one time I took him. While the HVs tutted and looked concerned by this dreadful development, he produced a nappy that could have filled a Bazelgette sewer, laughed uproariously after eyeballing every person in the room, rolled in all directions expertly, then demanded his umpteenth feed of the day. Upon being informed that he was a 1-2 hourly around the clock breastfeeder, I politely enquired how they proposed he 'feed more. In the face of a jolly baby, smashing his milestones and feeding for Britain, his weight suddenly became a non-issue. They then noticed that my 5mo baby was wearing 12-18mo clothes and cunningly deduced that all of that milk was going into length, not breadth, and that maybe they should review their policy of pretty much never checking a baby's height as well as their weight at the clinics. Ridiculous.

Save yourself the anxiety and don't go. They won't send SS and if they're really worried about you they'll make contact.

Me and dp have been together several years and I promise were under no disillusions' that little one would strengthen our relationship, she was a complete and utter but incredibly happy surprise.
The local mh team has a support worker who comes out and visits to check on me regularly at home. (she is lovely and I have never refused her a visit). So they are definitely having to using the clinics to monitor me. Although I wonder if the bloody hv is doing it to monitor me anyway I'm actually becoming more and more paranoid about seeing her as I realise how wacky her behaviour is! I've spoken to girls at work who apparently had issues with her themselves.
DD is incredibly long! But both my family and her fathers are tall, me and dp are both over 6ft tall so I was expecting her to be long.
I think you are right and I need to not go. I'm obviously not hiding anything because she sees my MH support worker and the gps so often that they would have noticed. Plus if the hv are worried they can send someone to weigh her who can SEE my DD is happy, thriving and doesn't look skinny in the slightest, but thankfully she also doesn't look fat. The nurse sees her every four weeks for her jabs and a check over and comments how lovely she is with no concerns on her weight or development.
Thankyou