Another sleep regression crisis

[gladders83]

Hi everyone, first-time dad to a 4-month old girl here. I wish my wife and I had been warned that sleep regression exists - we had no idea, and were completely unprepared!

My little girl started her regression in the first days of December '16 and there's no end in sight. Rather than the typical sleeping in two-hour spats, she's moved into a worse stage.

Currently, she simply refuses to nap during the daytime unless held. If held, she can sleep on you for upwards of an hour at a time. But the moment you put her down, guaranteed, she wakes up, no matter how deeply sleeping and no matter how frequently we persist in it.

She does manage to go to sleep for bedtime at about 8.30-9 every night following a bath, feed and stories (although not without an almighty fight beforehand), and that sleep usually lasts until about 1am. Then she wakes and my wife feeds, but by about 2.30am she wakes me up to take over.

So take over I do. I hold her on my left shoulder, as it's the only part of me that she can relax on, apparently - right shoulder and other positions just cause frenetic squirming, to the point at which I now have RSI in my left elbow from holding it in the same position for hours on end.

I hold her, and she dozes on my shoulder - ever so lightly - so that whenever I feel she may have finally gone back into deep sleep, TWITCH, no, she's still awake, but just lightly dozing.

That light dozing goes on for hours. She seems to never return to a deep sleep, so I end up staying awake for that whole time.

Tonight, my wife tried to give her a top up at 3.30am, and our baby proceeded to doze and stop nursing. We decided to change her nappy to wake her up, and she wets herself the second I remove the nappy, requiring a complete clothes change, which woke her up. Back on the boob, she refuses to feed.

So my wife needs to pump and I take baby into the living room to give her some space and I brace myself for another few hours of being awake. Baby is now fully awake and refusing to go down, and my wife is going to try co-sleeping, which basically means baby sleeps but my wife doesn't.

I get the assurances that this will pass, but it's absolutely exasperating. It's getting to the point where I entertain the idea of simply letting her wake up by leaving her alone so I can at least get some company, but I know that won't help at all. My wife is taking the worst brunt as she has to nurse, but while I can manage on little sleep my wife is super-dependent on decent sleep.

Help.

I remember this well. Our son was a great sleeper until 4 months old. Now at 14months he's still not great.

We did more daytime naps, the 2/3/4 system worked well for us. This seemed to follow his natural sleep pattern. I would time one nap with walking the dog and baby in a sling which isn't ideal for some but we find even now if he naps horribly in the day he doesn't settle well st night.

We tried gentle music as white noise didn't do anything.

Swaddle or sleep bag may help. We still swaddle our son for daytime naps as he twitchy and wakes himself up.

We co slept for a while when he was young but found from about 4/5months he settle better in his bed (will now only nap in his bed! No car/pram etc) to start with he would only sleep for about 10/20mins but gradually he got better.

Is there any chance she is teething? I know it can start as early as 4 months

Oh gosh I feel for you, my son is like that in the day at the moment and it's terrible

The reason she sleeps so poorly at night is probably because she needs. Ore daytime naps but this is easier said than done I know! A lot of people think that if they're wide awake all day they sleep well at night but more often than not they become overtired and terribly cranky.

If nothing suggested is working, the only other thing I can think of for getting some daytime naps is maybe a sling/carrier? This way you could have her on her chest without physically having to hold her, could do some tasks and the rocking motion may help her.

Does it ever seem to send her off when she's in her pram or car seat? I know it's not ideal because you can't sleep when your pushing/driving around but if you can take her out for a while and she does fall asleep, it's possible that she'd stay that way for a little while after.

I do know the horrible feeling of thinking you've found something to send them to sleep, trying to put them down and they wake up as soon as their heads hit the pillow, it's awful

Sending you all the luck and hoping you get through this ASAP!

If she only sleeps being held during the day, will she sleep in a sling? If she does, do that. Every time she's tired. Otherwise hold her or BF and lie down with her. Every time so that sleeps.

At night it sounds like your daughter really wants to cosleep. I know it's tough for your wife but personally I'd either battle through and learn to get some rest or try to slide away from her a little bit to feel more comfortable.

It's really tough. You're obviously not getting the answer you want but also, if you keep trying too many things, you're going to get more frustrated. Look for the key thing that works during the day and what works at night and go with it. I wouldn't worry about bad habits or sleep associations (don't believe in them anyway), just do whatever it takes to get the sleep you all seem to do desperately need.

Bless your heart. My first was like this so you have my sympathy.

If this was me, I would lie her down on my bed, warm and fed, access to her thumb. I'd sing to her and rub her tummy. She will cry because she is tired and hasn't learned how to go to sleep. I'd keep rubbing and singing till she goes to sleep, it might take a while... (an hour... A bit more). And it's hard cause she wants picking up and picking her up is easy but won't get you to a place where she is asleep. And if she's crying anyway then crying lying down with you isn't much worse.

A side cot makes this much easier because once she is asleep, you can move without disturbing her and she's in her own space so sleeping next to her will be easier for your wife than cosleeping.

I'd also look at implementing some sort of day time routine so she's being fed when she's properly hungry and then able to have better sleeps. Routines worked really well for all three of mine but some people hate them.

And I know it doesn't feel like it now but this WILL pass.

Have you had her checked for silent reflux?

Didnt want to read and run. Does your daughter get swaddled? Try swaddle and white noise if you havent already. We were there and it is truly awful at the time but it will pass. and for you and your wife.

My son only slept during the day on me or if I took him for a walk in the pram. I just used to let him sleep for as long as possible, even on me.

At night he was a terrible sleeper, at 4 months he woke every 45 mins unless he was on me. So I had to learn to co sleep, I had to be touching him.

Sorry I'm no help but I wanted you to know you're not the only one.

I would echo a PP though, if she is wriggling and squirming that much I would get her checked to silent reflux it sounds like she might be in pain/uncomfortable

YES she gets swaddled.

YES she sleeps in a sling. We are house-hunting right now so for the past few days she's practically been in the sling all day every day. She still only gets about 20 minutes of sleep at a time, around 3 or 4 times a day.

YES she's been checked for silent reflux. We give her Gaviscon junior and Infacol to treat.

YES she's given access to her thumbs. She still squirms, grunts and cries.

YES we've tried co-sleeping. Mum and baby hate it.

YES we use white noise. Nothing.

WE CANNOT FIT A SIDE-COT INTO OUR ROOM

WE CANNOT SLEEP ON THE FLOOR WITH HER AS THERE IS NO ROOM

Yesterday she slept for an hour in the half in the sling during the day. It was a miracle. I was hopeful that it would make her easier to keep asleep tonight. Instead she stayed awake UNTIL 11.30PM and was down for THIRTY MINUTES. It's now 1am and my wife is in tears and screaming blue murder at the baby.

Will it pass? Will it? I keep reading testimonies that it doesn't. Toddlers who are still like this. I'm usually pretty easy-going but my wife's misery makes me miserable. I can't take this much more.

steven, is that you?!
Seriously if your baby was a boy I'd think so. Exactly the same here. He is 7months and usually feed to sleep then twice in the night. The last few weeks he's been stirring after ten minutes in the cot and up and down all night. Last two nights even approaching putting him down he squirms and wriggles until he is awake.
We are now on shifts if skeeping/holding baby.

We are exhausted. Also have a theee year old.
I'm
Praying this is just cos he's been a bit unwell but fear this is out new normal and not sure how we can cope long term.

I have no advice really, it's not as easy as "put them down drowsy but awake" and it's all well and good saying thy need to learn to sleep alone until you've got a screaming baby in front of you and can't bear it.
Our first was rocked to sleep til about 18 Months but slept well overnight unless teething etc but this one has always been difficult to sleep. Haven't had longer than a three hour stretch since he was born. Sounds like a dream right now.

Only thing I could suggest and again is not easy when you're where you are but I find he sleeps better the calmer I am. If I'm agitated or frustrated it makes him more so. It's hard I know when you're so tired but if you can manage tin genuinely find calm during her bedtime it could help. Might not but worth a shot hey. They definitely pick up on our tension

You have my sympathy. And yes it will pass but who knows when. Try and give each other a couple of hours sleep at a time to help with the exhaustion and do whatever works to get her to sleep.

Infacol generally makes reflux worse not better. Gaviscon is of limited use as in so limited that with reflux baby 2 I nearly threw
It at them when the doctor suggested I try it. Ask for Ranitidine. It can't hurt to try. She sounds for all the world like she has silent reflux.

If there's no room anywhere in your bedroom for a cot mattress on the floor then maybe a new sofa bed for the living room? It's drastic to replace the sofa but losing your sanity is fairly drastic as well.

This really will get better. Be as gentle and kind to one another as you can. It's brutal.

The other saving grace could be a maternity nurse who specialises in high needs/fussy babies. They can be a life saver and it means you and your wife can get a few blessed nights only being interrupted for feeds. They only bring the baby to you for feeding and then take them away again so you can sleep. With my first the maternity nurse was very helpful because we were so sleep deprived we just couldn't think straight any more. They aren't cheap but just a night or two and some sage advice from a baby expert who has laid eyes on your baby might help immensely.

It'll pass. Everything with a baby is just a phase, when they sleep, when they won't sleep. You'll get tons of advice about what you should and shouldn't do and sometimes it'll work sometimes it won't. They'll either be teething, going through a leap (wonderweeks is a good read, there is an app) or settled.

It's exhausting but you'll survive and get through it. I have no advice (I'm currently up with a teething ds2), other than a solidarity wave. Both of mine are crap sleepers. It's a shock to system at first but you'll adapt.

In the meantime, can one of you go to bed while the other does the 8-12 shift, one does 12-4 shift and then one does 4 til breakfast shift? At least you'll get a chunk of sleep at some point instead of both being up and both being exhausted?

Littlelostdinosaur mine are similar ages to yours; 3 and 8 months. We've been hit with a double whammy of trying to crawl and new teeth. The joy never ends!

It will pass OP, you and your wife haven't ruined your lives and one day this baby will sleep and you will all enjoy each other so much. 4.5 months is an insanely hard time with an EBF high maintenance baby, both mine were.

In the meantime get her checked again for reflux and continue as much as you can with white noise at night and regular sling naps by day.

If you feel desperate and can summon the funds, consider contacting a sleep consultant. There are amazing ones out there but there might be a waiting list - I think many only start working with babies from 6 months but no harm to reserve a place if you can.

You will all get through this hell. The only reason I'm up posting is Im ill and drinking lemsip but the memory of those awful times with my two is still clear

A few things to try.....

Firstly don't bother reading stories to her, she's 4 months old. All it is is extra stimulation at a time when she should be winding down for bed. So, bath her and get her ready for bed but keep everything really calm and quiet. I would also get her ready for bed in a dimmed room, no bright lights.

Buy a sleepyhead pod. They are fab.

If that fails, your wife could try lying on her side to breastfeed and then co sleep or try to transfer the baby to the sleepyhead once she is asleep.

Lastly if you've exhausted all other options and your baby is exclusively breastfed, might get you consider a formula top up before bed? Just to see if it makes a difference. She may be hungry.....

Good luck, it does get better I promise!

I have no idea what else to suggest except maybe a trip to the doctors.
It could be purely a sleep regression or it could be maybe that her silent reflux isn't completely under control. Infacol isn't great for it and in my experience, you're very lucky if you can control your babies reflux with Gaviscon alone - a lot of the time it takes a combination of treatment and a lot of babies are prescribed Ranitidine. Maybe it is under control with the Gaviscon and this is just a phase but you'd think if it was just a sleep regression and she couldn't send herself off, with the tiny amount of sleep she's had in the long period you've described, she'd be at a point where she wouldn't even need to try and sleep, she'd fall into a deep sleep relatively quickly you'd think. I'm not sure!

Otherwise the only other suggestion I have is to endorse a previous poster about getting a specialist nanny. You desperately need some respite. We had a very colicky baby who would scream and scream for 4 hours a night always from 11pm-3am and I know how you and you're wife feel. It's soul destroying but you're not bad parents you're just human in desperate need of respite.

I really really hope this passes for you

Formula.

If your wife is so bad that she's screaming at the baby, that is the point where breastfeeding is 100% not worth it. Make up some bottles before bed and put them in freezer bag.

At least then you can take proper shifts with none of this expressing during the night bollocks.

It won't solve how she sleeps. But it will give your wife a decent chunk of sleep. And who knows? Maybe having a fuller belly might help. Especially if it's Hungry Baby stuff that takes longer to pass through the system.

Formula
Dummy
Staying in bed for several days

Elspeth formula won't change anything.

Well that's a helpful contribution.

More helpful than your bullshit about formula guilting someone into stopping bf for no reason.

Formula isn't a magic wand. The baby can't self settle to sleep. Formula won't change that.

OP has been given lots of sleeping advice. I have nothing to add to that. Your advice is not helpful.

Well aren't you a delight.

Yep

Mine are formula fed Elspeth and they don't sleep! I think it works in the early days but by the time the hit 6 months and start weaning it's not effective. This isn't why I FF btw.

Op - a few of my friends have used the Cheshire Baby Whisperer. She has a Facebook group where you can post for advice. She can do a home visit if you're nearby but if not you can sign up for web chats and her book (think it's £35), pretty sure you get Skype sessions included too. Her approach is multisensory so she recommends things like a slumber baby and play time in the cot (a cot mobile at this age).

Good luck.