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Sleep

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Original poster

What help does your partner give you at night?

40 replies

Annie105 · 28/09/2016 07:54

Interested to know as I'm currently so exhausted and don't know why my husband can't see it even though I tell him.

He sleeps 5 nights of the week in the nursery on the bed in there while baby sleeps in his crib next to me in our bedroom. He has a stressful job and leaves early in the morning and sometimes makes it home for baby bedtime but usually not. When he does get home I usually cook dinner too. I do all the housework too during the day.

To be fair to him he does a lot more at weekends and sleeps Friday and Saturday night in our room with me and usually does a night feed. He also does weekly shop on Saturday and abut of housework,

I've tried telling him I need more help but it's like he thinks because I'm on maternity leave and he is working that I'm supposed to be this exhausted. I'm starting to cry all the time and little things are really upsetting me like him leaving his breakfast dishes in the sink and staying up late watching crap TV and then complaining he is tired!!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Annie105 · 28/09/2016 07:55

Should add our baby is a few weeks old

OP posts:

DoingTheSwanThing · 28/09/2016 07:59

He didn't "help", he shared in parenting our children. He'd get up and change bums/bring babies through to me on the rare times they slept separately (we BF and mainly co-slept), and if they'd needed lots of feeding/been unsettled in the night while he slept he'd get up and entertain/feed/dress them before work so I could have a bit more sleep.
People tell me I was "lucky" - yes DP is awesome, but it's just parenting together.
Hope yours wakes up x

nat73 · 28/09/2016 08:01

DH cooks dinner whilst I put the kids to bed. We take turns to get up in the mornings.
When DD was a baby DH is a night owl so on the weekend would look after her til 2am whilst I got to bed early.
It's worth setting out your stall on this early. Alot of women I know do everything and their other halves do bugger all. Don't make the same mistake.
If the opportunity arises let him look after her for the day and he will see what hard work it is.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 28/09/2016 08:04

At that age we co-slept and BFd, but before we started co-sleeping he would bring the baby to me/change nappies as we hadn't yet twigged you don't need to change their nappy in the night
We switched to formula and sleeping in separate rooms at 4 months, and from then on (the past year) we just share wakeups. If I'm honest he probably gets up in the night more than I do. DH's side of the bed is right by the door whereas I have to walk round our cluttered bedroom floor to get out of the bedroom

BendydickCuminsnatch · 28/09/2016 08:06

Oh yes also DH arranged with his work to come home early on wednesdays, so he gets home at 5:30, does dinner, bath and bed, then catches up on work from home if necessary. Other days he's out of the house 6:30am-8pm so that's a good arrangement if you can arrange it!!

Stylingwax · 28/09/2016 08:12

I think that whilst you're on mat leave, if your DP is working then you should do nights during the week cos that's kind of why you're off and you can take it easier.
I used to do what I could during the day. If housework got some great, if not, anything left (including cooking) was split as 'out of hours work'.
Having said that if nights are bad, then doing nothing all day but napping when you can and splitting all chores is ok!

melibu84 · 28/09/2016 08:15

I can honestly say, my DP helps very little during the week. DS is nearly 3 months old.

He works quite far from where we are currently living, so he leaves just after 7 in the morning and gets back after half 7 at night. By the time he gets in, I'm usually cooking or have cooked. He will give DS a bottle or change him if necessary. We usually bathe DS together every other day. Once I get round to buying a bath support, we will most likely alternate. DP will usually go to bed around 11, and then it's up to me to look after DS and make bottles. As he is driving for nearly 2 hours each way, I don't want him to be overtired so if DS wakes in the night, I'm the one to get up and feed him.

During the weekend though, DP will do the hoovering, recycling, anything else I haven't managed to do during the week. He always does the food shop as he helps his dad with his weekly shop. He will also take over looking after DS a bit more so I can have a lie in.

At the moment, the above works for us, but when DS was a few weeks old, I was ripping my hair out. They wake up a lot more at that age, and it is overwhelming being a new parent. I'm sure things will get better for you.

spacefrog35 · 28/09/2016 08:21

I think you need to be realistic about what he can do & spell it out. If he's always left dirty plates on the side & you've always cleaned up after him then the arrival of a baby isn't going to change anything. He is tired after a stressful day at work, it's just you are exhausted, playing top trumps with it though won't help!The first weeks are really hard & you need him to help in anyway he can.

Artandco · 28/09/2016 08:23

50/50, it's his child also. I breastfed but he would resettle, burp and change babies overnight

spacefrog35 · 28/09/2016 08:27

Forgot to say he doesn't do anything at night as I wake up first. I couldn't see the point in waking him up when I was already awake. He does help in other ways though.

NerrSnerr · 28/09/2016 08:28

When on maternity leave I did most of the night stuff when my husband was at work the next day (she was breastfed anyway so it was limited what he could do). He'd make tea and do lots of the housework though.

user1471421772 · 28/09/2016 08:28

We do night turn about at the moment as baby is sleeping poorly. Baby only has 3 40 min naps and we've got an older child so it's not like I can catch up during the day. He also works long hours so likes spending time with him, even overnight. I always get up at 5 when baby gets up though, so he can get an extra 1.5 hours before work (although a couple times a week he will split that and get me up at 5:45).
I obviously do all cooking/cleaning/collect in online delivery and laundry. We each get a lie in on the weekend until 10 whilst the other does all night feeds and takes both kids out first thing. Works for us.

DavidPuddy · 28/09/2016 08:57

In the early weeks I would do all the night feeds as I breastfed and we coslept. However, if baby needed winding, then my DH would walk her around for 15 minutes or so. This was about once a night for a couple of weeks around the 6 week mark.

Now at 9 months we have a nice routine. I do all night feeds as still breastfeeding. Generally approx 2 a night. DH then gets up with her at 6.30 whereupon I sleep til 8, then get up and we all have breakfast together. On the weekend we each have a mini lie in.

One evening a week my DH is responsible for dinner, which is nice. To be honest, though, he would cook every night if I asked him to. He knows looking after a baby is draining.

When I go back to work we will split housework more evenly again. Right now I can manage most of it, so that is nice for him, too. He would do anything for us, so it really feels like we are supporting each other.

FifiFerusha · 28/09/2016 14:18

Not at all. It was an un discussed/ said presumption that I should do it as I was on mat leave and breastfeeding. I was a bit angry though when he refused to help with night weaning though as this would have made the process somewhat easier. Luckily DS sleeps through now but when he didn't I was very bitter towards DP. It is very hard to see the whole picture when you are exhausted x

Luckystar1 · 28/09/2016 14:24

Nothing with DD (7 weeks) although he will get up if DS (22 months) wakes. I'm breastfeeding so there's not much he can do! Plus he works long hours, I am at home, and while I'm very tired, I don't really need to do more than look after 2 babies which doesn't require a huge amount of mental agility!

He didn't do anything when DS was a baby either, although he was instrumental in night weaning and since then has helped with DS at night.

fluffikins · 28/09/2016 14:26

My Dh did nothing while I was on mat leave and still does nothing now I'm back to working full time. I only get about 2 hours of broken sleep a night so I'm exhausted. He moans about being tired because I apparently wake him when I go through/come back from soothing my dd but he isn't the one who has to sit with Her for an hour or more to get her back to sleep

Diddlydokey · 28/09/2016 14:28

On mat leave, I got Friday night off and a lie in on Sundays. He took the baby food shopping whilst I had an hour to myself to sit in peace or clean if I felt so inclined. He also used to either hold the baby or cook when he got home in the evening.

When very small, I used to go to bed at about 8/9pm and DH would do a bottle feed at normal bedtime and then I would do all other night wakings.

It wasn't really enough, I was on my knees but DH had a long commute so couldn't do much more.

If you can afford it, pay for help. If you have anyone nearby that can help, use them.

Diddlydokey · 28/09/2016 14:29

fluffi WHY?

Original poster

Annie105 · 28/09/2016 15:26

Ladies thanks. Really interesting to hear lots of different opinions, experiences and advice. Some quite varied situations too!

Think I'll have a chat with him this week after I've thought about practical things that will help me and also not mean he is completely buggered for work. It's very hard for the at work partner to understand how utterly exhaustion the whole regime is. And that's before just general life and home chores need to be done.

Need to find a balance that works for us as it isn't working for my energy levels at the moment!

OP posts:

Diddlydokey · 28/09/2016 16:04

Annie I think it's really important to get into a routine where he does his share early on. I can't stand it where the mum does all as this often continues when they're back to work.

You'll find a routine soon enough. For now though it's easy dinners, minimal cleaning, no ironing. If you're bf, doing the one bottle so you can get an early night is the lifesaver.

fluffikins · 28/09/2016 20:26

Diddly, I think it's largely because he considers his job as more important than mine. He does earn more than me but not by much, particularly when you minus commuting costs. She's still breastfeeding though so that's the main issue. I need to night wean and then maybe I can get him to take more on but to be honest, he'd moan so much I'm not sure it's worth it

YoJesse · 28/09/2016 22:32

Ds's dad did nothing in the night ever . I was convinced that if I wasn't solely breastfeeding he'd of been more responsible (ha). If he wasn't out and about he wouldn't be safe to aim his piss into the toilet let alone take care of our baby. Note that he's an ex.
What an actual good dad should do: at least wake up a bit to ask if you are ok, help with nappies and if formula feeding bottle heating, acknowledge that you are awake for long Streatham of the night and sympathise.

YoJesse · 28/09/2016 22:33

Stretches not Streatham

Pollaidh · 28/09/2016 22:44

My dh does almost all of the night duty, owing to various reasons which mean I am not best suited to middle of the night wanderings. We pretty much shared it with child 1, when I was more capable.

DowntonDiva · 28/09/2016 22:47

50/50 for us.

I would go to bed at 9. DP fed DD until around 2/3 ish then I would tag in and BF the rest of the night.

6 ish hours sleep I could function. DP happy to nap early evening and sleep in till 8.

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