Anger! (very ragey thread alert)

[Purpleboa]

So. I'm feeling angry, helpless and frustrated with my situation and am venting on here because I feel I can't do so in real life.

My DD is 13 weeks old. She's a beautiful, lively and fast growing baby who is a delight during the day. But when it comes to sleep, it's a different story.

I'm so fucking angry. I'm angry at the hand I've received - I was prepared for some sleepless nights but not this. I'm angry at myself for not coping, and even for having a child in the first place, because I'm not sure I'm cut out for it. I'm angry at my DD for not sleeping, which makes me a terrible person I know. She can't help it. I'm angry at the mums in my first time mums group, whose babies all sleep through. We're talking 6.30pm to 8.3am in one case!! I'm angry when these mums complain about one night waking that lasts a few minutes, and I'm angry that they've got their life back with nights out etc, whilst I don't even remember what the concept of an evening /weekend feels like. I'm angry at my DH for getting all the good bits of having a new baby but none of the shit (well Ok he does his share of nappy changing!) I'm angry at the breast feeding propoganda which doesn't tell you how life destroying it is, and I'm angry at formula feeders for their seemingly easier ride. And I'm angry at any childless person who dares complain that they are tired.

Phew! Rant over. Sorry if it upsets anyone. I'm an irrational, raging, exhausted mess and I don't like myself right now. But it felt good to vent ??

Anyone fancy joining me?? Hop aboard the train to Rantsville, the buffet car coffee is the strongest you'll find...

Does she sleep during the day? and at all at night? I mean is she just waking frequently or is she literally UP all night?

I agree BFing is SO much harder than I'd imagined.

My DS didn't sleep for two years (ducks as Purple throws a plate at my head!) but I know how you feel it's soul destroying, I look back and consider it a miracle the family came out intact.

I became vaguely unhinged and obsessed with it so my two most important thoughts

1. nothing else matters, sleep when she sleeps - any naps she takes then you sleep too. Sod the house, family, etc - just sleep And 2) I call bull shit on all the sleeping babies, some will of course but many aren't really - they could be dream feeding, co sleeping, sleeping from midnight to 4 (yes someone once told me their baby slept through when that was their reality!). Look at this as training for the school years - when 'everyone's' child is the best reader/writer/mathematician...

It's fucking hard. It will also get better. So much so you might have another baby. Or two. They're only tiny for a short time. I'm on DC3, probably my last. With the knowledge that this is a short phase, I'm savouring it. I've got the rest of my life to sleep well and go on nights out. This is my last opportunity for unlimited newborn cuddles, sick in my hair and poo down my cleavage.

Some of the other mums are lucky. Others are lying.

You've done 3 months breast feeding. That's a huge achievement. If you wanted to add some formula or swap entirely it's ok.

Sweetheart. It is hard. I've had three poor sleepers and no 3 still is.

Practically - it is nearly the weekend. If your partner isn't working and is therefore around then this weekend you are priority. He can help at night with all bar feeding - he can bring her to you and take her away after. He can take her out while you nap. When you are this unravelled by it, he needs to step up.

More philosophically, I think (excluding disabilities etc ) kids all throw you problems. The ones with a sleeper might get a shit monster to potty train or a good refuser or the kid you are always called in to speak to the teacher about. It seems everything now, I know, but one day the big picture will seem more balanced.

Ps if you want to stop bfing then do. But ime bad sleepers are just bad sleepers. The advantage of formula is mostly in the ability to take shifts.

*food refuser

Hi again purple.

Big hand hold from me. My 13 week old was up 3 hrs straight last night and I'm home alone with him and my nearly 2 yr old today. Zombie doesn't even cover it!

I am angry too! I've booked in weekend naps whilst my DH has little one in the sling for his nap. I know I'll feel slightly more refreshed and rational after an hrs kip.

Just get through this and the 4 month regression (I know I know) and it will start to get better. We can do it!!!

A 13 week old baby that sleeps for 14 hours straight is not thriving. It is not getting enough nutrition and is probably lethargic due to lack of calories during the day too.

You are exhausted and it is coming out as anger, because you are believing the guff these other mums are spouting. Sleeping through covers a whole host of explanations, as yakari says.

You need to be kind to yourself, eat regularly, drink plenty of liquids and sleep when your baby sleeps. Here have some and a to start with

Babies don't usually sleep through for over 13 hours ! Agree with greenhill they need to be woken up for a feed ! I still wake my dd for a feed at 1030/11 and she only sleeps until 5 ish ( she is six months and on solids too ) ignore the smug ones , you wait until their babies hit the 4 month sleep regression ...

I feel you. Except my baby is also grumpy and difficult during the day so for me the "fun" never ends... What is your sleeping arrangement? The Snuzpod and Sleepyhead were our best investments -- not miracles by a long shot, but they greatly helped. We're still co-sleeping as at 21 weeks he's still waking 3/4 times a night, it's much easier to roll him over to me to feed him and roll him back without physically getting up to check on him. I kind of do it in a zombie half asleep state.

Babies are all different which is really no consolation when you have a bad sleeper or a high needs baby, I know. But you're not alone.

Also, nap with your baby!!! I catch at least one nap a day when my DS is asleep, usually the mid morning nap. It's been a Godsend

My ds was like this as a baby and didn't sleep through till he was 3 years (also ducks as purple throws darts at me). Have and get DH to do a couple of nights a week to give you a break. Absolutely insist he helps, or can another family member/good friend help?
My ds is 25 now, and I used to delight in waking him up for school as a teen. I used to say to him it was payback time for all the sleep I lost

I absolutely agree that some people are lying have a different definition of sleeping through than others. DD2 was a dreadful sleeper from 6 months to 2 years. Now at 4, I say she sleeps through because I only have to get up once in the night to her. Incidentally she "slept through" (midnight to 7) from 9 weeks until the chaos started at 6 months, so your lucky friends may not always be lucky.

Some things that helped me:

• sleeping when she sleeps, every time. No excuses.
• DH did morning duty at the weekend. Meaning he dealt with DD1 and would deliver DD2 to me for feeds where necessary
• once she hit about 10 months, I co-slept (I didn't feel comfortable doing it beforehand)
• boxsets. I figured if I was going to be awake half the night and in the sitting room feeding, I might as well catch up on my trashy tv (it actually helped me feel less lonely).

I can understand the anger, it is soul destroying. But it will get better. I promise.

Thank you everyone! I feel greatly reassured by your comments and will not be throwing plates or darts at anyone!

Usually she'll sleep for 3/4 hours followed by a feed and another few hours. Looking back, that was the golden age! Over the past few weeks it has got progressively worse. Started with a cold which affected her sleep, but even when that went it was still disrupted. We've also had jabs and a few nights stay at my mum's house. And she is fast developing new motor skills like rolling, so maybe it's a growth spurt.

On waking, she seems increasingly awake whereas before she was quite easy to settle back to sleep. Now it takes several attempts, and even then she'll last 2 hours at the most. And the later the night gets, the longer she's awake. Last night she was awake between 4 and 7.

We've tried swaddling (which we've stopped now that she's on a roll), white noise, lullabies, dream turtle. Have moved her cot from by the window to across the room. She sleeps in a sleeping bag. No dummy and she won't take one. Even if I have her in my bed she won't settle!

Have I got a sleep hater or will she start to sleep better? I know you all say it will get better but it's so hard to believe that!

Thanks again

Have you tried co-sleeping?

I'm still 50/50 on having kids - threads like this are really useful sources of anecdotal info.

No, she won't settle in my bed either. She is a very strange baby!

We're wide awake again. She slept for 3 and a half hours which was great. Then woke at 23.45 and she's still awake. Just. Fucking. Great. She's been farting a lot and pulling her legs up, so that could be a factor? This is only a recent development, god knows why it's happening now. Also tonight is the first night we've tried her without her swaddLe. Because she fell asleep fine without it, I stupidly thought she'd be Ok. Have tried swaddling with just one arm out. Wish I'd never gone down the swaddle route now.

Could this be the 4 month regression?? I've heard it can come early.

I'm at my wits end. I stupidly was entertaining some small hope that tonight would be better. I am such an idiot.

You can't actually die of sleep deprivation, right? Right?? Will I just learn to get used to it? Because I can't believe it will get better. Feels like we're back to the newborn stage except this is worse.

30 something, I'm probably the wrong person to ask right now, but I would say be prepared to basically sacrifice your life as you know it. I grieve for my old life with an intensity that frightens me sometimes. You might be lucky and get a baby that sleeps. Or you might not (as this forum proves!) I don't know. I adore my daughter but can't help wondering how different the experience would be if she bloody slept. No one ever tells you honestly how incredibly fucking hard work it is. You need the patience of a saint and I do not have thst!

But someone with a better baby or who has come out the other side of this hell is better placed to advise you. I am somewhat deranged, in case you can't tell

Stop bf if you've had enough. Baby won't mind or suffer. Formula is fine. The other mum's are lying they're just as knackered as you.

I would but she won't take a bottle!! I have made a rod for my own back. Anyone thinking of breastfeeding - don't. The babies I see being formula fed are thriving.

No No No FF babies DON'T sleep better! My dd is 7 and ds is 4. Dd was and mostly still is a delight.. Fed well from birth (ff) slept through the night from 6 weeks 11pm-7am.

My ds also ff never slept.. honestly! He woke every hour till he was 9 months old. Then eventually every 3 hours till he was 14 months old. He didn't sleep during the day maybe 15 minutes here and there. I lost my mind and unfortunately i didn't have a supportive dp..

I tried everything! special swaddle blankets, white noise, moving him out of our room and then back again.. Dream feeds and the baby whisperer (think that's whats she's called)

Eventually at 18months ds slept through from 8pm to 8am and I did absolutely nothing to make this happen! Depressing or what?!

Sorry I'm not writing this to make you feel worse but I personally feel you can't actively change a babies sleep pattern. You need to get as much sleep, rest and time to yourself so you can get through this time. If giving up bf helps then do it and if you need to get outside help get it..

Best of luck

Thanks Lucy. I know you're right, it's just our luck to have awkward babies!

DD just woke from a supposedly deep sleep after 15 minutes. I am going mental here. I feel like walking out on my life because this is awful. If it goes on for 18 months then I know I can't do it. How do people go on to have another baby??

I can remember asking my SIL why she had never warned me how bad the first weeks were, and her reply was that if people knew, they'e never have a baby.

You will get through this - but that doesn't make it any less shit at the time.

Make sure you other half carries the burden over the weekend, so that you can catch up if at all possible - and if you want to get him to try a bottle, it won't hurt.

In two minutes time you'll be looking back at this with a wry smile, as you're greeting your DD's latest boyfriend!

It might not help tonight, but have a look at the wonder weeks, that explains some of the adjustments to their sleeping habits and gave me a bit of a crutch at times.

I.d like to tell you it gets bet but in realitless I think you do get used to no sleep. I've been woken up by 3 year old asking is it time for his sister's party yet, 2 year old shouting at her brother in her sleep and a random toy phone that must have dying batteries as it started ringing every half hour, I've just ransacked the play room and thrown the fucker in the garage. Yet tomorrow I'll rock up with concealer under my eyes and tonne of home made cakes and no one will even realise that I'm dead on my feet.

Pretty much everyone lies about how their kids sleep, it's like they think if their child sleeps through it's an indication of future wealth, success and happiness, which is of course bollocks!

purple, FF may seem tempting but if your baby doesn't like sleeping you will find you'll have to add sterilising and formula prep to your to-do list. At the moment you can just whip a boob out and the milk is ready to go.

At 13 weeks I would be thinking growth spurt. And all that farting, sounds like wind. Is she getting distracted whilst feeding? Fussing around? Being nosy? Or just doesn't know what she wants? If they take in air it gets trapped and they can't rest.

I co-slept with mine, BF is IMO a lot easier if you do co-sleep and feed laying next to them. Then there is the theory of napping when they nap.

It sounds like you have one of those babies, I'm afraid I have one too. He is 2 and currently sandwiched between DH and I. It's not BF he self weaned a year ago, he is the prince of tantrums for no reason, takes hours to settle. My DD on the other hand is a chilled out child who would just close her eyes and sleep whenever she was tired in whatever position. So these babies do exist, but are very rare and yes there are downsides to that, she can't cope with being tired at all and at 3 she is a nightmare if she's had a busy day at playgroup.

I think the mantra, 'this soon will pass,' was designed for these moments.

Are you feeding her to sleep? I mean breastfeeding then she goes asleep on the boob then you transfer to cot?

If she's full of wind and pulling her legs up a lot, try rubbing her back as she feeds and afterwards once burped, cycling her legs as she lies flat on her back.

I fed mine to sleep, my youngest slept better when we co-slept and he had access all night to feed, often it would be a dream feed as I slept through